I was furious, and I think I was even more mad when they reconciled. See they never consulted us on that matter, he courted her again and that was it. But no I was so angry I hardly even wanted to see his face.



A#1 lasted about 1 year, then they got back together for about three years.
A#2 Lasted about 2 years.

With the kids, I think it's the way it's handled.

I was able to use this as LIFE LEARNING for our kids..about FORGIVENESS..about how people can make mistakes in life..and GROW and CHANGE..and REPENT...

Our sons have a NEW and GROWING RELATIONSHIP with their father..but HE has chosen to do HIS WORK..and I have learned to stay out of the way..

I serve as an example of the way A WIFE and MOTHER is supposed to be..and let him be the DAD...

I step back and let the THREE OF THEM do their MAN THING..it's HARD..and kinda funny..they approach me like LITTLE BOYS and their DADDY, like UP AND COMING MEN..so when POJAing, my H and I always speak from different vantage points...

You don't have little kids, Queenie..

They are SPROUTING from the nest...and will be moving on to create their own lives and marriages soon..

If you do reconcile with your H, it will be mostly about YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM..Day to day parenting is just about over for you two...

Ok, we win. It does take courage and not only that. But I actually am having FUN talking to him and have a true interest.

I will give you this as well. There is NO DOUBT I am a breath of fresh air, both in mind, body and spirit. WH or H can not deny my love of life, it's in my eyes.

I have NEVER denied my H desire for adventure or whatever else he needed to do, I encouraged it. He was the one who stopped himself. Do you think he will really begin to understand how I encouraged his manhood and remember that or will OW be the benefit recipient?

Actually this is G-d at work. This is going to be a ramble, sorry. I realized that my H was unhappy in himself and he believed that it was my job to make him happy. That's where OW came in, she would make him happy. Maybe, just maybe he is beginning to see that being with her isn't making him that happy person and so he is looking again. It just so happens that this is a good book for him to read - again, I made sure he took it when we moved out of the house. - That was G-d directing me....totally.

I need to have FAITH that H will come to understand what this battle was truly about, between him and G-d and that I always was there for him. Oh, I forgot to say how I worked in that I was learning new ways to be supportive and NOT FIX things because it wasn't my job anymore.

So, it's steady as she goes, but keep moving forward. This is the most hope I have FELT in a LONG TIME. Please pray for this book to help his journey in the way G-d needs it to.

[quote] A#1 lasted about 1 year, then they got back together for about three years.
A#2 Lasted about 2 years. ]/quote] And then they got back together, right?

I have always been clear on my intent with their dad, that I want him to come home and be a family again. They are so hurt that he just left and abandoned us they won't even allow for that possibility. BUT somewhere inside I have to believe they are GRATEFUL that I am still trying to get our family back again, along with moving forward and building us a new life.

What do you think? How are you today.

I completely get this and totally agree. This is about THEIR walk with each other and none of MY business. I just am looking and loving them with all my heart, but as a Proverbs 31 woman understanding that it's their journey.

Can we say WHEN I reconcile? It would make me FEEL a lot better to keep it positive or claim it, you know what I mean.

One concern, what if he is just reading this to apply it to their relationship?

Won't I be the loser?

See what I am getting at?

Queenie-

Don't worry about the reason he is reading the book. It isn't a book about relationships between men and women. It's a book about a man's relationship to God and the heart that God has given men. It is about the wounds that men carry and how God wants to heal those wounds. And it also has a bit about the responsibilities that God has given a man as a H and father.

So, let God work through the book in your WH's heart.

See you tomorrow!

This was exactly what I was looking for and praying for.

Thank you G-d.

See you tomorrow. 10:00? What store?

Check this out, Queenie. You seem to keep implying that YOU understand your H better than he understands HIMSELF. YOU keep speaking for HIM. That's disrespectful. It shows that you are not letting him go, to be FREE to be HIMSELF. You seem to want to have POWER over HIM and how HE thinks and FEELS.



This is from YOUR perspective. HE may not FEEL that you encouraged his manhood. Just because YOU think HE did does not mean that HE looks at it that way...unless HE SPECIFICALLY TOLD YOU THAT..It will be important to learn to ACCEPT..I repeat, ACCEPT..HIS REALITY...



Well, yes, a husband and wife are supposed to be the major source of HAPPINESS for each other. But, I'm having trouble with you talking about HIS FEELING about this. FOCUS ON YOURSELF and how YOU FEEL. Do you see the difference?



Who knows what HE is thinking? It is a GREAT BOOK. Ask HIM what HE is getting out of it for HIMSELF. Try not to make ASSUMPTIONS. And yes, she is making him happy...giving him the FEELING of HAPPINESS..that's what he is hooked on...but she is certainly losing her capacity to give him the HIGH..cause she can't keep up that ecstacy 24/7..he's beginning to QUESTION what he's doing, I think...



GREAT!!



Let's not put all our faith in this one book. I think it's MAJOR that he mentioned the book, though. He's still a WAYWARD and could be LYING about reading it..SORRY..at least he wants to IMPRESS you, that's the worse case scenario...which isn't BAD, really...

Actually I hadn't looked at it this way. Thanks...

I would need to really think about it, however in the scheme of what's happening is it important if I did or didn't do in his perception as long as I begin to NOW?

No, can you help me understand this better, please? I think this is pretty important that I understand the difference and stop it or become aware of when I am doing it so I can stop it.

I did that and let him talk for as long as I could so I could hear what he was saying.

I can only wait and be still for G-d on this. Well actually everything. I truly get that nothing really has changed. I need to continue to become what G-d envisions for me, and my H is in G-ds hands. What the outcome is, I have no clue and it's truly not my business yet. I just keep seeking G-d and acting on what he gives or doesn't give me with his will in my heart. I completely get that it's about G-d's will. I just need to learn to become more AWARE of when the old patterns or habits creep in.

The FAITH wasn't in the book, although I loved hearing him say he was reading. It was the fact that he was looking for things to do to occupy his time. He isn't happy, he misses his children and a family life. That really is what I noticed, in the way he said things.

What gave me the most hope was his willingness to talk to me about a house together. I am not assuming anything, just being grateful for the LV of this for just today.

I am still grounded that he is a WW and very dangerous and sick. Actions... it's all about the actions...

And it's in G-ds hands.... Not mine.

Actually can you help me understand this better. I think I know what you mean, but really I don't if I am still doing it.

I think I am confusing the statements about knowing my H better than anyone else and knowing what he is feeling? I am missing a piece here, just not sure. How can I work through it to see what I am missing?

Hi Queenie-

Let's meet at the middle section where the stair/clock and elevator are. I'll be by the elevator. We can head where ever we want after that.

Okie dokie... 10:00 in the middle Bellevue Square

I can't wait.

Thanks JT for a wonderful morning and early afternoon.

I am so restless tonight and not sure what's up.

I really hate weekends.....

BOO! I'm right here!

I hate weekends as well. Next week I start working 40 hours a week. Yikes!!! I went from 6 hrs a day, to 32 hours a week to now 40! The kids and I will definately need the money and I LOVE my job, but boy, if we get a snow day that makes it hard to get in 40 hours!

I'm not staying up as late tonight as I have been. WH is coming over tomorrow for football with son. I have to be in cherry mood... for lots of ENs!

BOO right back. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Where are you working?

I'm glad your WH is coming over. That's awesome for you. Who am I kidding. I'm jealous.

OH SMB,

I am so lonely tonight and can't shake it. I know intellectually that this is exactly what is supposed to be happening, but I'm scared, lonely, and just tired of feeling hurt inside.

How are you doing?

I think I know what is really pushing my buttons tonight. A few things.

After shopping today... I got a NEW DRESS for a GREAT PRICE in a NEW SIZE, with lots of BEADS.....

Anyways, I went over to a friends house who made sushi for a few of us. We got to talking and it was about a year ago when my H and me and another couple were over there discussing life and being all happy. Everything was great and they were talking about how betrayed they feel by him. So I think the wound kinda got opened up again today.

But that's not all. Last night I did another IC session with friends, but they are trained to work in NLP. They hit upon something that is really bothering me and I am not sure how to work through it.

They asked me why I said I needed to see my WH yesterday and I immediately popped out that I am addicted to him. Most of my support system in my life feel that way. I don't think I want to argue for or against this point but just let it be and work through it in my own head and somehow on here. Because I trust you and many others on here because you understand the addiction part of WH.

They feel that Plan A is just another manifestation of my addiction and that I need to stop it. They say me going to see WH is a HORRIBLE idea and that is plays right into his hands of manipulating me, especially when we have conversations about the book or house.

What suggestions do you have for me to work through this into clarity?

Hey SG,

Congrats on the new dress, great price, and NEW SIZE! Hooray for you!

It sounds like you are dealing with a trigger tonight. The memory of being with your hubby talking about how great things were. I'm sure that really hurts to remember that, and know now what you do. I ask myself sometimes (even asked tst a few days ago), "How'd I get here? How'd we go from crazy, passionately in love forever, to a few months later him sleeping with someone else, to a few months later him leaving his children and me? How'd I get here?"

And I'm glad it came full circle, but still, "How'd I get here? Him back home, crazy in love with me and so broken and sad for his actions this past year? How'd it all happen?" It's like the Twilight Zone.

Triggers are really tough. The sad feelings that linger for hours or even days afterward. I don't have any great advice, just understanding and a hug {{{{{{{{SG}}}}}}}}

You know, I still worry about you being in Plan A too long, SG. What are your plans for moving into Plan B? Have you come up with a timeline? I don't mean to push you. But I feel you cannot stay in this Plan A indefinately. Are you preparing yourself for Plan B?

Hey SMB,

Triggers.... I hadn't even thought of that. Silly me... makes perfect sense. Thank you.

Not sure what to do, but maybe just go through it and continue to seek G-d.

Oh yes, I am putting my Plan B into motion. In fact, I should be working on my PBL tonight instead of feeling sorry for myself. HMMMM... There's a thought.

I have my intermediary person set up. I tried to get the paperwork to the lawyers on Friday, but they were gone, so I will walk over on Monday. I am really getting ready as well. I love seeing him and talking to him, but man, he is dangerous and it wears me out.

I have a few more things planned for Plan A, like calling him to help with the car on Monday and I plan to pop over to his practice tomorrow and watch it.

I know the players on the team and if she is there, I have no qualms about being around the players and acting like his wife.

Triggers.....

I'm so happy for you and the good that is happening. How is your recovery coming? How is your FWH doing?

Hi Queenie,

I think this might be the most important realization you have made so far. Acknowledging your own addiction will help you in following the path laid out for you. This sound like acceptance to g-d's plan for you.

((((Queenie))))

You know I think I want to vent a little. All this is bringing up the anger inside from how he LIED for so long. How HE BLAMED me during those first few months of when they met and it pushed me away and my buttons. HE DID IT TO ME ON PURPOSE knowing EXACTLY that it would hurt.

I was TOO STUPID to suspect anything. During August 07 we got into a fight because he wasn't giving me SF, which was going on for almost 5 months and it was driving me nuts. That is the most important EN I have and he has CONTROLLED it our whole married life. I asked him what it was, was it my weight, and if so, just let me know. We hung up and then I called him again and he told me he decided to go away for the weekend.

That shocked me and I wanted to go with him. But I trusted him and knew that he NEEDED to work throught stuff like that book the Wild At Heart talks about. I KNEW this struggles he had deep inside and I knew that everything I was trying wasn't working so I gave him the space. And look what it cost me. My M.

I feel like it was a no win situation. I loved him so much new he was struggling, new that what I was doing wasn't helping and yet I gave him the space to work through it and it pushed him into her bed. And now I AM ALONE and he sleeps with her every night.

Man....this hurts deeply. Have I said how MUCH I HATE WEEKENDS!!