TMTS, help me here. I don't understand what you mean.....

SG,

I am relieved to hear you are preparing for Plan B. I believe it will have an impact on him...I truly do. IMHO, if he wanted to end this marriage, it would've been done already.

He will miss you, and he will begin to feel the holes in his life where you once were. But hold on, they can get really wacked out when we shut them out of our daily lives. It may get even rockier. But when my FWS was at his craziest, God was doing the "big" work on him.

Recovery has been about as good as it possibly could be. Things between us are wonderful. We still have our painful memories and triggers, but he is here and does everything I need. God truly did a miracle for us. It was incredibly painful getting here though. He was a wonderful husband before the A, truly I considered him one of the "good ones". I don't know where he went when the alien took over, but he is now a changed man...broken by his sin and forgiven by God and me. It has made him into a much better husband and father.

But don't let me mislead you. There is still much sorrow for both of us...for me, it's the obvious; for him, it's knowing that he is responsible for the sorrow that I feel. It overwhelms him at times. But we are bound to each other with a more intimate connection than ever before.

SKINSGAL,

I thought of you when I was listening to this song

http://profile.imeem.com/mPKRIa/music/8p41CXeJ/kirk_franklin_hold_me_now/

I hope this will speak to your spirit.

SMB,

My H is NOT known for his actions. It doesn't surprise me at all that he hasn't ended the M. I truly doubt he would take the first step, BUT then again, I NEVER imagined he would have an A.

Maybe you can help me see this piece that I am not getting. I am growing enough to admit that I have really worked a good Plan A with what I had to work with. But I am not really filling his life but a few minutes maybe a couple of times a week. I am NOT in his life, really. So, what is it that he is going to miss. See what I mean?

SMB, do you think that G-d had prepared you for recovery?

Hi Queenie,

Acknowledging that you are addicted to WH, will allow you to work towards your growth. You have made great strides while under his spell, imagine what you can become now. As you have told me many times, g-d has a plan for us, and I believe that your acknowledgement will allow you to focus on following his plan in a much clearer manner.

I'm signing up to listen to it now, thank you My1stLove.

You know, I just realized your name and it's my story. My H was my 1st love and really the ONLY man I have EVER loved. I don't know how to live without him.

Oh what a friggin bummer night. Just one of them I guess. I know I will bounce back... I just am in it right now. UGH

This is the part that is scaring me. I am an addict/alcoholic.... In order to stay in recovery I had to GET RID of THEM in MY LIFE.

My mind keeps going to it's ALL or NOTHING... and I can't seem to shake that stinkin thinkin.... so I am voicing it in the hopes of getting rid of it.

I guess the question becomes, can I manage my addiction for him and still be able to create a new M or does being addicted to him mean I have to GIVE him UP for the rest of my LIFE?

But if he were eager to set up a new life with OW, he would be pursuing D.




Because you have remained open to him being in your life, he has not yet felt the full impact of his choices. By removing yourself entirely, there will be needs you have met that he (or you) don't even realize you have been meeting. Your Plan A has been "dosing" him with you. MEDC use to tell me that FWS was getting his "fix" everytime he saw me at our karate school, even though we had no interaction there at all. When your WS no longer gets his "fix", he will feel the effects.



Wow! Not sure how to answer that. I think he built me to love, honor, respect, and forgive my husband.

What exactly do you mean?

SKINSGAL,

put God First. Seek His Kingdom (His ways, obey His commandments) Jesus is your first love. Maybe it makes sense now or maybe it doesn't...I know when my Sisters in Christ were telling me this, I was thinking, "what?? so I'm supposed to put my husband 2nd??!! What do you mean put Him first?!!"

Yes, WH is second. Put Him first in everything and for everything.

Do you kinda get what I'm saying?

I haven't been married nearly as long as you have, I was expecting to be married for AT LEAST 20 years, though! My WH is my first-everything-experience. Does that make sense? I thought he was my world. I had to straighten out my priorities and that was putting God first. Only good things can come into your life when you put Him first.

Our house was being remodeled and only recently put up for sale. I think he is waiting for all the "our" stuff to be settled. Actually who KNOWS what that crazy ALIEN thinks. It's too sick for even ME to go near.

And that is actually part of my addiction to him. Trying to figure him out.

Well Plan B is on it's way so we will be seeing what happens. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Your FWH returned a broken man. Did you in your wild dreams imagine that's how it would happen?

For me, when this first started my old rabbit said, B, you need to get rock solid strong. And I have always had this feeling from G-d that part of my journey is to become so healed that no matter what CONDITION my WH returned I would be prepared because my relationship with G-d would be grounded and unshakable.

Having your FWH be a broken man, but be very hard at times... Do you think your relationship with G-d is what is getting you through this?

My1st....

I have to be honest....I can't put Jesus first because I am Jewish. Though for awhile I did entertain converting to Christianity as a bargaining for WH to come home. But G-d set me straight when I prayed and turned to Joshua 23.

I do know what you mean. I guess I will just have to TRUST and KNOW when that TRULY happens, because if I am questioning doing it, then I am NOT. What I don't know is what I am missing to letting it happen.

I suppose I could pray for guidance.

BTW, I can't get that song on my computer. I don't allow cookied because of my two teenage boys.

Oh, ok. I didn't know what your religion is! I apologize if I offended you.

But yes, trust in God. Like someone here on MB mentioned, Accept and trust. I think it was mimi_here.

You didn't OFFEND me at all. Please know that. I just wanted you to know.

Mimi is the best at that.

I'm not sure what you mean here...but be very hard at times...

I was not willing to take FWH back in any condition other than brokenness. If you remember, I had made a list of what I needed to ever consider giving him admission back into my life. That list included that he would be spiritually broken before God and emotionally broken before me.

So did God prepare me for the recovery? I don't know...

God answered every prayer I prayed...every single one... OK, not all of them. He didn't answer the "take me now, please" and the "won't you make the pain stop now" prayers, but all the others he did.

Everything I listed on my list of needs...God provided.

It still awes me this day...How great is my God!

It's funny, I keep praying and praying and praying and G-d just won't answer that one prayer of bringing my H home. I wonder what I am doing wrong?

How did you develop that list of needs and where did you keep it or what did you do with it?

I think I typed the wrong word should read...must be very hard at time.

What is getting me through is that tst is doing everything I need and could ever desire for him to do.

Do I think God had a hand in that? Definitely. God broke him so that he would be willing and desiring to be all that I need. tst says that the last month before he came home, God was body slamming him every night. He didn't sleep, couldn't eat, had no peace.

I know that list...same list, like a prayer list.. that I made and also turned into a prayer of the qualities I want in a husband and father to my children. I pray that it's God's will that it be my WH.

I agree with SMB, I wouldn't take my WH back unless he surrendered his life to Him. It's the only way I see it will happen...but it will also only happen if my husband wants it to happen, too. So I pray for my WH's salvation and for his heart of stone to turn into a heart of flesh. (softened heart).

"It's funny, I keep praying and praying and praying and G-d just won't answer that one prayer of bringing my H home. I wonder what I am doing wrong?"

Believe and you shall receive! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> It will happen in God's time.

Perhaps, it is just an issue of God's timing versus our own. I prayed the same prayers for months with what seemed like no answer.



One day, when I was feeling like I could never go back to this marriage, but also waws holding on to the belief that all things are possible in Christ Jesus, I asked myself, "How could I ever trust this man again?"

And that is how my list was formulated. I began truly examining what I would need to really trust. I didn't want a marriage that lacked anything. If it were ever to be a marriage again, it was going to be one of passion and intimacy and trust and respect and honor and love. I wasn't just going to settle for, "OK, my family's back together and that's what's best for the children."

So, what did I need to feel trust again? That's where I started. Ask yourself, what would you need to restore your trust. I listed certain attitudes and then listed actions that would demonstrate those attitudes. For example, openness and honesty....a polygraph; remorse...apology to me and the children.

The key for me really boiled down to I was no longer willing to settle for anything less than someone who wanted me.

But our story isn't typical...and neither is our recovery. I didn't have to watch him go through withdrawal. His A died a natural death, and his was disgusted with OW. I could not have gone through withdrawal. I wasn't willing to any longer.

Decide what you are willing to accept. Then make your list...attitudes and actions.


Once my list was made, I put it away, never thinking I would actually get the opportunity to give it to him.

One more thing, I specifically put things on the list that he would NEVER do, unless he was broken by God. That's why I know for sure...this is all a God thing.

SG,

tst and I are sitting here discussing the addiction aspect of this. tst is also an addict/alcholic in recovery for 25 years. His response to this notion of you being addicted to WS:

Gen. 2:24 says, "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and they will become one flesh."

I don't know that I necessarily consider being one an addiction, but I do understand how it can feel that way given the current situation you are in. I would relate this more along the lines that your one flesh is being torn apart and is attempting to become two again. I don't think this is the way God ever intended it to be.

I can understand the addiction to the high that you may get from seeing WS and how you might relate that to a similar high that you received from drugs. But the high we receive from drugs is an unnatural one; whereas the high that you may be receiving from seeing WS is a God-given natural one.

Sexymamabear what does it take for a WH to wake up and want to come home.?