I just would like a little respite from the pain. I am looking forward to Plan B. I think this is where the heart and mind become in sync.....

Oh TMTS, how I love my H. And how I hurt knowing that there is NOTHING I can do for him. But move on and live a new life. I am having to do something that goes against everything I believe, and yet it's what G-d is telling me to do.

I'm tired of crying today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

TMTS, Silly goose!

SG, you are doing the best thing possible which is to "Let Go and Let God".
I'm having a rough day so we can lean on each other! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Free

I'm right here Free with you. What can I do for you?

What would you like to talk about?

What's causing the rough day?

Queenie,

I'm finally catching up from a busy day and just now getting around to your question you asked...

I have not been interested in a lot of religions, but found myself in group of Christians that included a few people who were messianic Jews. They held to their Jewish faith but at the same time believed that Yeshua (in English we call him Jesus) is Messiah. They are basically BOTH Jewish AND Christian.

Through these friends I attended worship at a Messianic Jewish congregation a few times and since Yeshua was in fact a Jew and the basis for all that is taught in the New Testament is found in the Old Testament, I began to study it with a different perspective than many of my other friends who grew up in a strictly Christian tradition.

When I was a teenager I found myself questioning some of what I had been taught. As I began to read the Bible in earnest, I found that some of what was passing for doctrine seemed to draw more from tradition than from what the book itself taught. As I got older, I took two years of koine Greek solely for the purpose of finding out for myself what older manuscripts said in various places. It was around this time I met these Jewish friends who began to teach me the context of what I was reading that had eluded me being raised in a Baptist church.

The more I studied, the more I found that historical and cultural context gives meaning to things that when read in English simply did not mean the same things. Once I discovered that I could read the research of other people to arrive at the same place without having to actually read Hebrew and Greek, I began to seek more in the way of Bible commentaries and the like and some of those were rabbinical manuscripts.

I guess what I am trying to say in my usual long winded manner is that I don't merely read the Bible, I try to study it. I attempt to learn not only what the words and ideas mean to us today, but what they meant to those to whom they were written.

My friend the associate rabbi is in fact a member of the messianic Jewish congregation I mentioned and he and I have been friends for many years. I stood up for his wedding when he remarried his wife after they had been divorce for many years. Their youngest child was almost 16 when they remarried and they had divorced before she was 2.

I have learned to read a bit of Hebrew over the years, but never really set about trying to learn it fully, but I do sing a few songs and Psalms from time to time. One of my favorites BTW, is Psalm 133, which I can sing in Hebrew, though I try not to do it as a solo, since I am not that cruel...I did teach it to my Sunday school class a few years ago (6-10 year old kids) and they actually sang it one morning in church for the entire congregation. Their parents were impressed as most didn't know their kids had learned a song in Hebrew before that morning.

So in answer, I am not interested in "other religions" as much as I am a student of the Bible. And one thing you and I have in common is we both believe whole heartedly in Deut 6:4...The Lord our God is One God...

Now you know too why I have been reluctant to tell you as much about New Testament stuff, because I would not want to cause you to question YOUR faith, but at the same time I know that Jesus (Yeshua) was sent to give God's grace to not only the gentiles, but to the Jews as well.

To me, the bible begins as an explanation that God was the Creator of all that there is or ever will be. He created Man (the Hebrew is the word from which we get Adam) and made for him a Woman (because she came from Man and not from the dust of the earth). Together, they chose to disobey God and death and suffering entered the world. And most importantly, the relationship between them and God was broken. The rest of the Bible is to me the story of God providing a way for that relationship to be restored. And for me that way is provided by the messiah, who I believe to be Yeshua or Jesus.

And that's about all I have time for so I'll leave it at that.

Mark

One of the things that makes me an outcast with my temple is that I too look for the original ideas and meanings of what was written. Not just put in what I think.

In a weird way, this gives me hope for my WH. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yes we do. I want to be a student and server to G-d. I just have to be still and find out what his plans are for me. Some days I feel so compelled to become a rabbi it's weird and then other days.... I have ALWAYS had this NEED and DESIRE to walk strong with G-d. How lucky for me to have it happen just as the most devastating thing in my life happened. But then again, I think G-d knew I would reach for him and grab on with all my heart and FAITH. I think G-d truly knows what he has in me and is proud of me thus far. At least I hope so. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I never thought of it that way. I am sure I have said this, but do you know what the OW's name is - Eve. Everyday WH goes home to the end fo the road to be with temptation. I am living my life to restore my relationship with G-d, because Psalm 23 was written about me. He MADE me lie down in green pastures to restore my soul and my relationship with him. How lucky that he CARED that much and he knew I was HURTING IN MY SOUL.

You always have such a way of helping me see the blessings. Thanks..

Hi Queenie,

I'm crying too, it's ok, this really hurts.

(((((((Queenie))))))))))

Wow.. just wow.

((((((SG))))) I know this hurts, but give the hurt to God.. He will lift it from you if you only ask Him to and know that what you ask will be accomplished.

Mark.. THANK YOU so much for your testimony, support, scripture, and example here on this thread and others. You too are a great inspiration here.

If there's one thing I think most all of us can agree on with regards to Jesus, is the message that God is Love.. Being here.. fighting for your marriage.. and believing in God for the victory is a beautiful testimony of THAT LOVE which is God in ourselves and in our marriages. If God brings no greater good out of our suffering than to be an example, a witness, and testimony of He who is THAT LOVE..

Perhaps that is enough..

Refresher course...

Isaiah 57:14-19

That is all...


Mark

OK Queenie...

Spill with the phone call. Let me guess someone on the other end suggested you should have no hope...

Not true you know. Even if WH doesn't come home, you can count on God to give you more than you ever imagined possible.

As another refresher...the word "comfort" comes from two word. The first means "with" or "from a place of" and any piano player knows what the word "forte" means...It means "strength" or "power." So God's comfort is Him giving us His strength and power to get us through...

Just like He used his power to separate the sea. Dayenu!

And once He gives you what He has planned for you...It will have been enough!

Mark

Yep.

It is truly amazing how the story of Exodus repeats itself over and over again in my life. From all three of my children's names to Pharoah's (WH) hardened heart, to the plagues that he is about to feel from Plan B. Pharoah - let my H go.....

Pesach was always my most favorite holiday because is symbolized so much from FAITH to FREEDOM. Right after Purim, guess what holiday is next?

TMTS, I posted over on yours. I am sorry I wasn't more aroud tonight. I was being a mom, cooking dinner, then went to an AA meeting to try and get out of this yuk. It actually worked. I called a good friend who I miss, but just can't be around. It was good to hear her voice, she just is SO MAD at WH because he was going to be Prez of our temple and she would have been able to be done.

Then I went shopping at Wally Mart for a ew phone and talked to DD. She is struggling so hard right now. Though she is the oldest he was the closet to her dad and she is the one who sees the awful changes and it's killing her. It's so hard because I can't fix this. UGH......

Yes, once he gives me what he has planned..... It will have been enough...

That's true. It will be your WH's loss, not yours. God will give you double for your troubles. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />


((((skinsgal)))

It's good to cry. Like you said..it does feel like God is cleansing your soul, doesn't it? Continue to work on you. I didn't cry a lot when I found out..I actually started crying more frequently almost every other day since the beginning of this past Dec. But I look in the mirror I see a different person I see someone who has taken her life and heart back.

and I feel pretty good that I am going after my calling and giving my babies a better life.

You have value and worth...your WH is missing out, not you. Keep your head up, this is not the end, it's the beginning.

Someone told me that a while back...didn't know what it meant but I do now.

This is your beginning. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yes, it does feel like I am being cleansed today.

I'm so happy and proud of you My1st. I think you are so wonderful and strong. To be doing this with babies, has to be unbelievably hard. Your babies are very lucky to have you in their life.

((skinsgal)) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I was strong when before I met and when I met my WH. Then I became so dependent on him...I put him first and forgot about me. I was begging him to take me back. Now it's a different story. He will be the one begging and pleading.

I give all credit to God. Times when I should've had a nervous breakdown, I didn't b/c God kept me. If you read my story you can do nothing but feel sorry for me b/c of what has happened. Last time I spoke w/my WH he told me I was STUPID, told me I am the dumbest woman he's ever known...but he was really talking about himself..he was transferring his guilt and insecurity on me.

I believe it's Believer's thread about her ExWH visiting her and she mentions that she lost respect for her him. I lost some of my respect for my WH, too.

skinsgal..sometimes I am so tried and sleepy from doing everything and going back to school...but my biggest motivation is my children. They are only babies! (2.5 years and almost 6 mos!) I look at them and say to myself I WILL NOT FAIL, GOD WON'T LET ME FAIL. People feel sorry for me...but I don't feel sorry for myself anymore.

Sometimes I think "Lord...look at the past behavior of my WH..look what he has done. You told me you WILL fix this. But how?? Everything looks so messed up." But just like SMB pointed out in the Bible, God tell us he has good plans for us that will prosper us...but He doesn't tell us how He's going to do it. So yes, sometimes it's hard for me to even have faith the size of a mustard seed. But I have to believe and keep the faith.

I remember one of the last things I heard my Pastor at the church I went to say.."Don't go through something and not be anything."

That's true..that's what I keep in mind when I read about Plan B and other people's plan B. You have to take care of yourself and prepare either way...or you will go insane! WH might think I'm losing sleep over him, ya better think again, buddy.

so skinsgal, continue to love yourself. You are BETTER than the OW. You are the King's daughter and He only wants what's best for His children.

SG,

I felt so sad that my husband's choices were forcing me to live outside God's will (divorce). It was a real burden for me. Then at one point, I realized that "I" was still in God's will, even though I was headed for divorce. God knew my heart. He knew my willingness to love and forgive my husband. My relationship with God was not contingent on the status of my relationship with my husband.

God will honor your faithfulness.




Just when you think there are no tears left, they come like a flood. So sorry, SG. Nothing I can say except I know your pain.

{{{{{{{{{{{SG}}}}}}}}}}}

Don't call them any more, OK?

I started reading the book. I haven't finished it yet. I started lots of books that I haven't finished. This wasn't the first web site I visited or even the first one I posted on...It was the first one where I actually found a real plan that gave me hope.

Those involved in my life before this mess started, thought I was the stronger of the two. I did come to learn that I actually am the stronger. He WALKED OUT and LEFT THE MESS FOR ME TO CLEAN UP.

Emotionally, I just NEVER realized how MUCH I LOVED MY H and depended on his being in my life everyday, because I had committed myself with every fiber of my being.

I was TOTALLY UNPREPARED for this to happen. I didn't lie down and do nothing. I picked myself up against any desire to and addressed every addiction I had, worked on my weight, got healthy, but most importantly developed a R with G-d.

On the whole, I really am doing ok. Yesterday was just one of those days. And I think that it was a snow ball effect without me realizing it and when I heard that WH called OS to come over and look at the car instead of calling me, I WAS COMPLETELY DEFLATED. My mind goes to places that I still learning how to stop.

The reality is both WH and OW are the King's children and he wants what is best for them as well. The only difference is I am working to live in his will daily while they aren't. But he loves them just as much as me and is so sad for them.

For the most part I am adjusting pretty darn well with my new life. I'm moving on whether my heart is in it or not. It's what G-d needs me to do. When I read my daughter's myspace and how she apologized to her dad for what she thought drove him away just broke my heart. Because the destruction of what this has caused is crippling me. I hurt for my children and I know there is NOTHING I can do.

When I was talking to my DD last night she mentioned how everyone is complaining about WH, he is edgy and grouchy and not at all the same person he was. I KNEW that, and at one time got comfort that he wasn't happy. But I just love him so much - my heart hurts that he is choosing to be so out of G-ds will and not even realize it. Does that make sense.

The sad thing... WH believes he is completely walking in G-ds will and I'm scared he won't ever realize it. But again, I KNOW there is NOTHING I can do but get out of G-ds way. It just hurts deeply and somedays cripples me.

Mark, I just read this over again... I have to admit, I never looked at it this way. WOW, what an eye opener. And how comforting. Wow.....

That's all I want is to just protect my hope and carry on with my new life. I think it's when I lose hope that things tumble downward.

But then I look to people to give me hope when really I need to only look to G-d for guidance on what my next step should be. What you said about comfort has really helped me see things in a new light. Thank you.

SMB, like you say, sometimes all I can do is just go through the feelings and keep praying... Go to sleep early and have the day end faster.

I wish I could put into words what I feel, like I've been robbed or worse. But, each day I give it to G-d walk in his FAITH that this pain will end and I will LIVE a NEW LIFE that G-d will look down on and say it is good. Like he did to the world. I'm glad it's shabbat tonight. A good time to rest my soul and listen to G-d.

Mark, I can't say I won't call them, but I can set boundaries with them that giving up HOPE is NOT an OPTION. She is helping me with my self-esteem issues that need to be worked on. She is Christian based and understands, but she is human as us and is limited in seeing the good that G-d is creating, like me.

I am going to the lawyers' today, is there anything specific I should be asking about?

I am turning in the paperwork. I'm scared...

Queenie,

Stay focused on what you can have control over and turn your stuff over to God. That includes your dreams of WH coming home. Your attitude has to be one of, "I want this, Lord, but not my will but yours is what I want even more."

When YOU are what God wants you to be, He might decide to send WH home, but WH needs to come to the end of himself as well and let God work in his heart and mind so that the two of you are seeking Him. Then your marriage could be incredible.

But if your WH refuses to do what God expects and never comes back, you will still be better off, because God has already planned for that event, since He already knows what your WH will do and has accounted for it in His plans. He has already seen the future because He sees the end from before the beginning and knows how your every day will play out.

And patience is something we all need to understand in terms of God being eternal rather than temporal. I asked God once if it was true that to Him a day was as a thousand years and a thousand years was as a single day. He assured me it was the case. So I asked if it was true that everything belonged to him and all that I ever had was just on loan from Him and He told me that was true. So I asked if I could borrow a million dollars and He said to wait a day or two...

I want patience, but I want it NOW!

Mark

Mark,

I actually understand what you are saying. I find myself fighting it, but I understand. I am so thankful for your reminders and words of guidance. I think it's a way that G-d speaks to me.

My sister told me that if I asked for patience I would get those situations that required patience. Can we think of some other trait that would work on the same thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Perserverance, etc.

I don't live a thousand years. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Queenie,

I'm just about to leave for an overnight ice fishing trip. I won't be around till late tomorrow night, if then. I expect you to find something in the scriptures that you can share with me when I get back.

And since I won't be here...


Shalom Aleichem...

Mark