I see that in you too sweetie. It's time for you to take your focus OFF your WH. Plan B will give you that relief. It's almost as if he's (your WH) is standing in the way of you getting to the place that you are seeking with G-d. Complete and total trust in HIM.

I remember visiting a church in the darkest hour of my ordeal. I asked for personal prayer and a lady (a stranger) prayed over me out loud. She prayed that I would "let him go" so that healing could happen. I was floored. She didn't even know me but had just read my mail. I know it was straight from G-d.

I kicked and railed and didn't want to turn loose of my fragile hold on my WH (even if it was an unhealthy because I was doing anything I could to keep me 1st in his mind -- and believe me, some of the things I did were in NO WAY Plan A stuff). It wasn't until I was able to REALLY accept that I had to get out of the way... that things started happening. (Ah... if I'd only had MB back then.)

From what I've learned since coming to MB is that Plan B is for YOU. It is not meant to jump start anything or force your WH to do anything. It's about your boundaries and what is acceptable to you in order for you to heal. You will have time to regroup, grow even more and think with a clear head (no drama or non/drama from WH to interfere.) You'll be getting YOUR life set.


Use the standard here on MB and then tweak it for your personal situation. PLEASE PLEASE run it by the vets to help you.


You're welcome. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Chai,

I have really had a rought few days, but I did service work, went and helped someone move yesterday and took my DD for groceries tonight.

I just feel like a dog that has been kicked to the curb and thrown away because I was total junk.

Hi Queenie-

I think you are more like the loyal dog that got left in the yard when the owner moved away but those really great people from the Humane Society came and got you and you got taken home by a wonderful owner (God) who treats you like the treasure you are-you are just a bit "gun shy" and aren't quite sure if this wonderful world is really true.

Ever watch Animal Cops? My favorite part is the follow up where the kittens that were trapped in a drain or the poor puppy left with no food or water is in a new home playing to their hearts' content and basking in the love of their new family. Sometimes it takes the nurture of some gentle foster families to coax these sweet critters out of their guarded fear into abundant joy.

You are in the best of hands-God's. He is both the foster family and the generous home in the follow up.

How was that for an extended simile? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Love ya'

{{{{{{Skinsgal}}}}}



I can tell by your posts and your heart that that isn't true.

Please remember that waywards will try to make you look like the bad guy, and rewrite your history to justify what they're doing to avoid their own guilt.

I can almost guarantee you at some point WH will come out of the fog and feel the same way you do right now, especially if he comes back too late.


{{{{Skinsgal}}}}}

Even if I move on without my husband, I would never want him to feel like junk. I think I feel really bad now. I've said some pretty bad things to my husband. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Skinsgal,
I meant to write you last night and when I did, it seems the board went all freaky on me so my response was lost and I couldn't get logged back in. I went to bed right after.

The information on the covering of the eyes as from About.com. As a Noachide, I'm fairly aware of some JEwish customs and I remembered someone telling me about the same thing. Since most of my mentors are Orthodox/frum its their perspective I know better. Another Orthodox rabbi explained also that its after the blessing that Shabbat truly begins (since you've invited the Shekinah into your home) and by lighting the candles before you say the blessing, you avoid breaking the rule of lighting a fire on Shabbat (its that fence around the Torah idea- there are many rules set up as a fence to try to keep from breaking Torah commandments). So, a woman will light the candles, cover her eyes, say the prayer, and when she opens her eyes, Shabbat 'begins' and the lighting rule is unbroken.


AS for Plan B.... its my strong opinion it needs to start ASAP.

I know it, but it still hurts and I lose the knowing part every so often. Especially after I am around him and that darkness. It makes me crazy or my mind wonders.... this, that and the other.... Even though it's stinkin thinkin....

My H doesn't give a rip how I feel. There isn't an ounce of compassion whatsoever. He is the total victim in all this. I think that is what hurts the most that he just walked out and doesn't care if we are hurting. But then I get to go to an AA meeting and remind myself of how he is addicted and of course he wouldn't care. All he cares about is his next fix or himself. This disease is selfish, self-seeking etc.

This is one weird thing. Not once since this whole thing has happened have I ever had a good dream about this. I dreamt last night that H came home and became a FWH. Why would I dream of that now? When I have so little hope? Oh well, really does't matter, it was just awesome to see MY HUSBAND for a while, even if it was a dream. And it was HIM, the loving, caring man that I love with all my heart.

Does anyone believe that dreams have meaning?

Hi Moj,

How come?

What is a Noachide?

This is what I thought it was, I just wasn't sure. My customs and understanding of Judaism isn't as strong as others. My parents never taught us anything about our religion and I have learned it all by myself.

Hi there Queenie,

Good scripture reference you came up with...

See Psalm 63:1.

For those interested in more about Shabbat, Google gets about 3 1/2 million hits just on a search on the word "Shabbat."

A couple of note include Judaism.org

and aish.com

Shabbat is the only observance contained in the Ten Commandments and as such is different than any other religious observance. Many Christians think of it as a day of prayer and worship, but it is really intended to be a day of rest and meeting with God and dwelling on "higher" things than the daily work of the rest of the week. Though prayer and worship are part of that concept, it is not so much that it is kept, but that it has kept those who practice it separate from the world as a whole.

Man was not made for the Sabbath, but the Sabbath was made for Man. Direct quote from Jesus...


Mark

Thanks Mark, with respect to the scripture. It was weird, I had the hardest time finding something that meant anything. I don't ususally have that much trouble. I just think I am having a hard time period or my victim attitude in taking a bigger dip into my perspective these days.

I have done the searches and the AIGS. site. I just did't know how to put into words what she was asking. Now I just need to find the yiddish answer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sounds like you had a great weekend. I'm happy for you.

Why do the down days still come so strong. I am an intellectual, capable woman, an amazing capacity to learn and understand and yet "these days" crush my spirit.

What am I doing wrong? I am praying to G-d. I'm being still. I am waiting. Why does the pain keep hurting so deep. What am I missing?

What's up, Queenie?

I've been scanning and noticing some STINKIN THINKIN.

The healing from this will take a long, long, long time.

I'm sorry, Queenie.

It will be necessary to find some way to ENDURE the PAIN.

Do you think that you are learning to deal with emotional pain rather than trying to escape from it?

There are NO QUICK FIXES...

{{{{{{Mimi}}}}}}}} I missed you ALOT. I was just thinking of putting out a Mimi are you home yet comment. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Did you have a great weekend and trip away?

Not the best of days for me. Not sure why. I have been to the lawyer, paperwork in his hands and he will be getting it completed and filed. I keep postponing my PBL, not sure why. Well, yes I am. I'm scared that it's out of sight or out of mind. I don't believe there is much more I could have done in Plan A given the circumstances, but it's sad and scary that I am taking such a RISK and I could LOSE big time.

I know...I've tried all weekend to shake it. Went to lots of meetings, was actually doing good until I saw him drive past me with OW in the car and it was downhill from there and I haven't been able to recover.

Maybe I am just being too hard on myself and think I should just be over it. But darn if that pain just is as intense as it was.

I'm sorry I am letting you and others down by not being stronger. I'm am trying so hard.

I'll take suggestions.....

I am not sure I know what the difference is.

There are so many other people on here who seem to have just picked up and moved on, while I seem stuck and I don't know why.

Did you read where I had a dream last night about my H. It was my H Mimi. The one I love and miss SO MUCH. It was so real and made me realize that who I remember was really a person at one time. Though he doesn't exist anymore.

I missed you Mimi, I am sorry I wasn't stronger...

What is the big risk? Do you mean Plan B? SG, he is already gone (I'm giving you a hug as I say that. OK? feel it?) Plan B is not a risk. It is the next step. Without it, you are becoming a doormat. You cannot continue to be all sweet and cute and just hope he comes around. Plan B is saying, "I'm am good enough, valuable enough to protect. And I WILL protect myself." SG, it is time. Your Plan A has been incredible. But it can't, and SHOULD NOT, last forever.

Do you see the drama you endure daily because he is still involved in your life. You need the peace and protection that Plan B will bring.

SG, this is not about anyone here, except you. No one has expectations that you need to live up to.

I do.

I went looking on here for a letter. Didn't have any luck. Any ideas?

Not expectations, just thinking that the time and energy you give me is being wasted on someone who isn't improving or growing more steady.

I'm not used to thinking that I am valuable or worth anything more than what a WH throws at me as a second thought. This has been the hardest thing... to think that I am worth anything other than garbage. One day, when I truly believe I am a something good, I think I will soar.

SMB, does tst have anything to say about why my WH does the things he does? At least wishful thinking that anyone can understand. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

TMTS,

How do you change the name all the time? 14th gave me instructions, but I am a little more challenged and didn't get it.

Thanks,

He has been asked that by several BS's. His response to me is that "His why's were all lies."

Doesn't really help much, does it? I think he means that his thinking was so muddled from the fog that there is no way we could ever make sense of it.

And my dear lady, you are valuable and worthy. You are a child of the King. Have you read the book, You are Special, my Max Lucado? If not, go get it!!!

It is a children's book. But the lesson is so incredible. I think it should be high school reading material <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I cry every single time I read it. And I have chills right now telling you about it...because I know it would speak to your heart.

Please get the book. You will begin to understand just how valuable you are, and the stickers won't stick anymore (read and you will understand <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Take care my friend!

I think it's completely the truth. I just need to hear that often.

I will get the book. I'll try the library tonight.

Come back soon. Your words bring so much comfort to me.

And thank you for the time you give me. I hope that life is working out to evertything you dreamed of.

Skinsgal,

You asked why you are still in so much pain. I have been thinking about this all morning.

I think that in your case the answer may be that you are getting freshly wounded every time to talk to him.

You are of incredible value. This does not depend on his assessment of you. It comes form God, and resonates within you.

I would really like to see you get some peaceful time.

Also, I do not remember if you have seen a doc about ADs. You are sounding a bit depressed to me. That is pretty typical.

If you haven't talked to your doctor about how you are feeling, would you do that for me this week?

SG, you have no idea how much that means to me. That God can take all my pain and suffering and make it good.


Just want to share some verses with you. Some are from the New Testament, I hope you don't mind. These verses spoke to me during my darkest days (as I refer to them).

Blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted in the riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Jeremiah 17:7-8

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:11

But they that wait upon the Lord sall renew their strength. They sall mount up with wings as eagles, they sall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. Isaiah 58:11

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. Prov. 3:5-6

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you...For I am the Lord your God...you ar precious in my sight...and I love you." Isaiah 43:2-4

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

I was pushed back and about to fall, but the Lord helped me. Psalm 118:13

It is better to take refuge in the Lord, than to trust in man. Psalm 118:8

Here my prayer, O Lord, let my cry for help come to you. Do not hid your face from me when I am in distress. Turn your ear to me; when I call, answer me quickly. Psalm 102:1-2

Because he loves me says the Lord, I will resuce him; I will protect him for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. Psalm 91:15