I'm all about cutting it down to everything I want to say and too the point. His attention span ia a gnat... And I'm not kidding on that. Blows me away. So let's start hacking...

I think I might leave out the part about the children.

Darn..... ok.....I'll take it out and repost it and see what people think.

Updated version....

My dearest WH,

Each day that goes by it becomes excruciatingly painful to watch what is happening to our life and marriage, therefore, it is with the saddest of hearts that I must write you this letter. 24 years ago we made a vow to G-d and 10 years ago repeated that vow under the Chupah when we truly became as one. We were so much in love on those two days. The first time when we were young and full of hope and promise and the second time when we were full of making a complete lifetime commitment. We had been through so much and recommitted our love to each other, only it was stronger and deeper because we knew what we were capable of being together.

I know that you’ve been unhappy for a while, for many reasons, some of which you may not be sure of. I have come to understand and accept responsibility that my behavior in the past contributed in part to your unhappiness. I’ve worked extremely hard these past couple of months to humble myself before G-d and ask him to create me into the wife, mother, and woman he always envisioned for me. People can change if they are willing to take a long, hard look in the mirror and hold themselves accountable for who they are and what they have done. I did that and I’m proud of the person I have become and continue to become because G-d is guiding me.

G-d has instilled in me that we can have a brand new, loving, and completely fulfilling marriage. I believe we can learn from our mistakes, grow from them and with effort and commitment we can begin to slowly rebuild the love that became the foundation of our marriage and start to become a family again, for our sake and our childrens’. I believe we can have a marriage based on trust and honesty where we both feel safe sharing our innermost thoughts, feelings, fears and dreams. The kind of marriage we both imagined when we said “I do”. I’m not naive, I know there’s been a lot of damage done. It won’t be easy but it can be done. I’ve had the good fortune in the last couple of months to meet many people who have been able to do it.

I’ve suffered tremendous pain from learning about your relationship with OW and dealing with marriage fall apart and your decision to leave our home. I never once stopped loving you and I have not forgotten what a wonderful man you are that I married. It is my love and faith in G-d that has given me the strength and hope to go on. But the pain has become too much to bear.

I do not want this. I want to be your wife, in every sense of the word. I want to hold you, talk with you, laugh and cry with you, comfort you, share the joy of raising a family with you. I want my soul mate to come home. As much as I want this, you have made it clear that you don’t, and as long as you feel this way, I cannot be a part of your life except as the mother of your children, it is simply too painful. Therefore, I must ask you not to contact me at all. This is something I believe is necessary to preserve and protect the love I still have for you before it slips away. Should you need to get ahold of me for an emergency or contact me in any way, Alex Blackwell will be an intermediary for me. He can be reached at xxxx or emailed at xxx.

If, down the road, you have a change of heart and decide you want to give our marriage a chance. By giving it a chance, that means, the OW is no longer a part of your life, and you are willing to work out a plan to restore our marriage and make it what G-d envisioned for us all along. The depth of love and commitment to our marriage is something that I have come to appreciate as having always being there and is G-d given as your covenant wife. I am willing to do whatever is necessary, but until that time, please respect my wishes.

All my love and respect,

Dang girl! I go away for a second and you go change into a whole new woman! A new name and ready to kick [censored]. Alright.....let's get going.

First off, you can 86 the idea of the e-card. Once you go into plan B, WH gets NOTHING from you in the way of needs being met. Comprende? (sp?...lol...)

The letter is way too long. Shorten it and get to the point. See if you can find the killer B thread and look for examples on there too.

And most importantly, read everything you can about what plan B is about first! This is serious stuff and you need to how it works. It's simple, but hard as one other poster has said.

Queenie,

I think you need to get it down to about 1/3 of its present length. All he is going to read is "blah blah blah."

You need to say:
1. Your choice to keep going in an A has damaged our family
2. To protect myself I am removing myself from you
3. I understand what I did wrong; I am sorry and I have changed
4. When you are ready to end the A, we can talk again.
5. Until then talk to me through ______ for strictly necessary communications. Otherwise, do not contact me at all, for any reason.

Take this with a grain of salt because I am not a Plan B expert by any means. Just my opinion.

You did well to work on this so much tonight.

Thanks Chrys,

I get what you are saying.... Let's see what others say and I will cut it down as needed. I'm not attached to it, just want it to be perfect. NO PRESSURE there. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Chrys covered just about everything but one thing.

You have to give him a path back home. Tell him what is necessary to return home. Like NC with the OW, and a no contact letter, transparency?, etc. They need something to do to prove that they are serious and that you know they are serious.

I'll look around and see if I can find one.

I wouldn't worry about it being perfect. The WS usually just glances over it through the fog from their affair.

Like I said, I agonized over the wording, and a couple months later, my WS didn't even remember getting the letter.


That's why I think it needs to be short and to the point.

ok, how's this..

WS, Your choice to stay in this A is exceedingly damaging to our marriage and our family. The depth that I love you is beyond words, but I am choosing to protect myself from you. Because of my growing relationship with G-d, I understand what I did wrong am very sorry and have changed to ensure it doesn't happen again.

When you are ready to end the A and want to come home we can talk. Please know that before that can happen, you will need to end all contact with OW, be willing to write a no contact letter together telling her we are working on our marriage, and be willing to create the marriage that G-d always envisioned for us through honesty, openness and complete commitment to our covenant vows.

Until then, contact me through AB for strictly necessary communications. Otherwise, do not contact me at all for any reason.

I love you, WH and want you to come home, but you have to want that too, and until you do, I am setting you free to live your life while I live mine.

How's that?

That's pretty darn good Queenie but try to pass it by some of the other vets tommorow first. Besides that, you need to make sure you know all about plan b.

Did you find the Killer Bee's thread?

No, I'm having a hard time finding anyone's threads with respect to Plan B.. How do you get there?

I haven't been able to find the killer bee thread darn it.

But here's a link to a short plan b thread with some links.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post3335164

If this isn't what you need, I'd do a shout out tommorow for help.

I need to go to bed now. Good night. Don't stay up too long. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> A GODDESS needs her sleep.

Oooops, that wasn't a really good link. But if you click on MF's link on that thread, you may be able to find your way to the killer bee thread through there somehow. I am pretty sure MarriedForever was a part of the killer B thread.

Thanks Mopey... You are right. I need to get to sleep. Doesn't look like it will be a snow day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Sleep tight and talk to you tomorrow. thank you for everything.....

SMB,

I just reread this. I hope that G-d can do this with me as well. I want to help others get through their pain one day and know that what I give them is as good and helpful as your wisdom, strength, faith and so many others.

I think that's why this forum exists.... to help those who come after us, like AA teaches....

My story from the ashes of existence to how it ends will be a success one day that G-d will shine down on and be very proud. And that will be because you and so many others stayed with me and wouldn't let me destroy myself when that was all I wanted to do.

Thank you....

Queenie (love the new name, as in Queen Esther? hm?) here's the link to the Killer Bee's thread:

Killer Bee's Thread

I hope you don't read this tonight cause you should be asleep right now! LOL

(((((((SG/Queenie))))))

Looks like you're doing awesome.. I'm keeping a keen eye on your transition from Plan A to Plan B..

I know I'm going to need to transition into this myself shortly after the eval is finished... whenever that is.

Hi PM,

Thanks for the link. I am starting to put together my Plan B emergency kit.

Queenie, just seems to have progressed and become a part of me for various reasons. I like it actually. I might even put the GODDESS touch to it somehow, like get my sunglasses personalized. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

James,

I don't think I am doing awesome at all. Plan A isn't much of a success anymore. WH has no reaction or even seems to care one way or another. But yes I am beginning the transition. Have the initial letter started and praying hard to G-d to help.

Mark has really helped me along with scripture from Exodus and Numbers.... My ignorance of Torah is really showing these days.

I miss talking to you. How is your son?

Queenie, the gist is there, but I think it is still too many words. Somebody said recently that WS's must lose at least 40 IQ points, and I think that must be true!

Also, I think I would limit the G-d talk in this letter. I don't know your H, but I know mine got awfully sensitive and defensive on this subject.

JMHO-- I myself would be a little vague on exactly what you will need in a NC letter at this point. You want it to be negotiated with you ahead of time, not something he does without your input and tells you about later (One of my false recoveries had this lovely feature--and it amounted to a plan with her to fake NC!.)

Here is how I would change it:
WS, Your choice to stay in this A is exceedingly damaging to our marriage and our family. The depth that I love you is beyond words, but I now need to protect myself from you. I understand what I did wrong in our marriage. I am very sorry. I have made many changes in order to become the kind of wife you always wanted.
I will not be in a relationship with you unless you have ended contact with OW forever and are prepared to prove this to me and begin working together to build a healthy marriage. When you are ready to take that step, I will be happy to share with you the kind of actions you need to take. When you are ready to end the A forever and want to come home we can talk.
Until then, contact me through AB for strictly necessary communications. Otherwise, do not contact me at all for any reason.

I love you, WH and want you to come home, but you have to want that too, and until you do, I am setting you free to live your life while I live mine.

Others may have different takes, and I am not a Plan B authority at all!

LilSis did a beautiful Plan B letter, as I recall. The only thing I don't like about my bare bones approach is that it doesn't really tell him one last time how much you love him. Her letter was a masterpiece that way. You might want to try to check it out.

Well, I too am seeing diminishing returns on Plan A. It's essentially the cycle that WS' all too easily take things and people for granted so long as it benefits them. Of course, when we take that 'support' away from them we're suddenly the bad guys all over again.

Can't tell you how much I've heard from WW about how I've saddled her with this or that and have been the reason she's not on her feet on her own already. Not my problem anymore.. she has a way out, and it's between her and God as to how she handles that.. I'm getting on with my life as it is.. one of the reasons I think I'm thinking in a Plan B direction these days.

DS is doing ok, he said last night that he felt better and had been playing all day, so that's good. Emotionally I know things are hard on him, and I can only imagine how difficult all of this must be for DSD. Still I'm painted as the bad guy because I'm not going along with her 'plan'.. and am seen as the one throwing roadblocks in her path. While I'm praying for the roadblocks.. I'm not erecting them. This mess is hers to own and clean up. I'll help but only under the condition that she returns to the marriage and honestly works at it. I've had my own messes to clean up, and have for the most part.



And if someone can find LilSis' PBL I'd love to have a gander at it.