Heartbreaking.

yes it is....

(((((((Queenie))))))

Sometimes life snaps us out of our self pity and depression and shows us someone who has it worse.

Be there for your friend.. I know you're hurting.. but you can be the strength for someone else. A lot of the tools you're learning to cope here can help her too.. you know how to be the compassionate friend.. put your arms around your friend in this time and be there for her.

God will take good care of him Queenie.. all of his special needs can be met and exceeded now.

We're all 'special needs' kids to God.. I'm sure there is a wonderful place for him now.

I already have..... We are a very close neighborhood.

Snap out of my self pity... no kidding.... It's more that I realized that life is so short. Why am I hanging on to a man who clearly thinks of me as garbage and wants nothing to do with me as his wife or his kids. He is way happier with crack head...

This isn't true.. and you know it.

He believes he is way happier with crack head. I am betting on hope that he will come around, where I could just move on and let him go and live his life out where he thinks he's happier.

Who am I to say he isn't. In his mind he truly believes it.

It's not a pity party. I am just wondering... Am I really following in G-d's will by hanging on to a grown man who clearly wants nothing to do with me. He loves this woman and I'm the one judging if he is happy or not. Do I even have that right. It's his life...

Hi Queenie,

Thanks for that note, very nuturing for the soul. I'm not doing as bad as I may sound. Really I'm just posting my stinkin thinkin to see if there is anything that makes sense of it. I need to slow down though becasue this is all just expectations and that will hurt me in the end.

remember who he's loosing???

He doesn't care...

I know who he is losing... And I'm sorry for him.

But he doesn't give one care about me or losing me....

And that's what hurts.

But dang... do I hang on forever hoping and living alone or cut my losses and learn my lessons.

We don't exactly know what is REALLY going on with our WSs and their addiction. I feel you...he doesn't seem to care about you b/c of his actions and what he says...but keep praying and keep the faith. If you want to stay in the marriage, then you know what to do...if you don't then you still know what to do.

Keep working on yourself.

What I want is not to be alone. I want to be in a relationship and share my life with them. I want it to be my H.

There is no guarantee that will ever happen. I'm full of too much life to wait for someone who clearly doesn't want or care about me.

My DD called him and told him about it. He didn't even remember who he was. That's how far gone he is. Am I just waiting for nothing...

((((QUEENIE))))

I am so sorry to hear about this young man's life ending.That is just tragic and I can't even begin to imagine the depths of your friend's despair and your own grief.

My issue with your goodbye box (and thankfully SMB spoke up on it, too)is that you, with love, will give this man things of sentimental value... which he will then toss in the backseat of his car and forget about. Heck, bet he shares his brownies with his crackhead ho. These types of loving gestures are completely LOST on your WH. Your WH seems to be the most rigid WH I've seen here. Which is also why I was pushing for Plan B ASAP.

You are unfortunately getting no where with him with Plan A. Your Plan A has been stellar. I hav a feeling your WH will be one of those that it takes actually removing you from his life before he feels/gets it/sees what he is doing. At the same time, you NEED the peace. I think the majority of us see that.

So what you do is Plan B. Give him the letter. A bang isn't going to do a thing with this guy, but I'm betting, that over time, the fact that YOU had the audacity to decide anything in your relationship with him actually WILL get his attention. It may take awhile because I have a hunch he'll think you are being dramatic, but the better you stick to your plan B the better off YOU will be.


And to answer your earlier question-- no my family is not Jewish. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I would LOVE to find out that one of my Italian or German great-great-grandmothers was Jewish, but as I can only go back about three generations, so far they weren't. Some of my Orthodox mentors often say that gentiles who are brought to Judaism may be reincarnated souls who were Jews before or who were there are Mt. Sinai when Moses revealed the Ten Commandments. I always see that as romantic. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Queenie, I am so very sorry about your friend's son. And very sorry you are grieving without your husband. I know how much that is hurting you.


Again, I agree with mojodiva on this. I think he is going to blow off your Plan B letter as dramatic. So the less "dramatic" the departure from his life is, the better, in my opinion. I would not put any Plan A stuff into the moment you deliver the PBL. I would let him see the new, strong woman you have become. The woman who does not NEED him to survive and will no longer pine over him. Dress to the hilt, head held high, gotta-go-I-have-plans kind of delivery.

I think he will find that intriguing. If not, who cares. I'm about to say to you what MEDC said to me many times (and I needed to hear it): You have given this man enough of your time. Move on. (I don't mean close the door, but move on.)

Queenie, I think your WS takes you for granted. I think he has not even considered the possibility that you might actually have a backbone and say enough is enough. Show him who you are, my friend.

Oh, and I see in your posts today a real strength rising up in you.

Please receive this in the love I intend it to be given. I think the world of you.

Neither. You follow your plan. You have completed the first phase (Plan A). Now implement Plan B, swiftly.

Mel would tell me on days like you are having that I was feeling emotions that were normal, but I needed to stick to the plan because tomorrow I would feel something different (something like that). I had many days like you are having right now. Thankfully, not for the same reason.

You are one flesh with your husband. God made you one, so yes, you have the right to judge him and his adultery as wrong. He is violating your body by sharing his with OW. You have the right to expect him to be faithful.

No big deal about the box..

BUT your PLAN B LETTER is beautiful..and is supposed to be a LOVE LETTER according to the HARLEYS. I'm biased. The PLAN B LETTER that I wrote was much like yours as recommended by Steve Harley. Make sure to include all parts recommended to you by Steve. My PBL meant a lot to my H. He read it over and over during Plan B.

And I don't think that your WH is especially BAD. He is a strongly addicted and garden-variety WH.

HAVE FAITH, Queenie.

((((((Queenie)))))

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss and it is so true that life is much, much too short.



You know the answer to this doncha, Queenie. He is your husband. God put you together and wants you to be together. When the doubt creeps in, it's the EVIL ONE and he uses everything that he can to get you to lose TRUST and FAITH in the LORD.

"..lean not unto your own understanding "...as you try to cope with the tragedies in your life...

Where's your rubber band, Queenie?

You need to snap yourself..get centered...

Get those THOUGHTS back into control..not the FEELINGS...

That letter is ALL that he will have of YOU during the DARKEST HOURS of PLAN B...

Think of it that way...

It will be a long while, because back in October I didn't talk to him for almost a month. He tried to talk to me online and emailed me a couple of times, but I never responded and he didn't follow up with a call, so pretty much didn't care.

Mojo, I think it would be VERY romantic. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Gotta ask, what do you mean by that? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

SMB, First, please always tell me what is on your heart. This journey isn't about my feelings, it's about saving my life and walking in FAITH with G-d. So never hold back what you see or feel.

The strength in me is that I see life as so precious to enjoy. I want to love someone and share my life with someone. That's what life is about. I want it to be my H. But he is LOST and NOTHING THAT I WOULD WANT. He can manage an ounce of compassion for my daughter who calls him for some support. So, yes the strength is building.

I called an ex boss of mine today and made a 9th step amend to her. She has known me since I was 17 years old and said I was so full of life, compassion and love. The excitement I had for life and self assurance. She can't believe what comes out of my mouth these days...She wants me to find that young person again and get back to living. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

That is where he is wrong. I have more backbone than anyone thinks. I don't want to, but I do.. Today I honestly feel like enough is enough.

OK.... Keep to MY PLAN... The focus is all about ME and what I WANT.


Then I keep to my plan and move on with my life and if he comes back, LUCKY HIM... He is truly on the verge of losing me forever if he isn't careful. I don't like who he is and what he isn't. I want more and there has to be ONE PERSON out there that I can love with all my heart and not have to change to be able to love them.

Right here being snapped. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It's possible he will just throw it away and not give a rip what so ever. In fact his actions only say he doesn't give a care about me one bit.

But, if this is about me, then I am giving him this letter because of ME and who I am, WHICH IS THE WIFE THAT LOVES HIM WITH ALL HER HEART. And it doesn't matter what he does with the letter.

I do understand their point though. He treats me like crap and thinks I am garbage and worthless.

I need to hear this again and again. It helps me to keep moving on.

HE IS, and I LOVE HIM... SO VERY MUCH... I really do. Thank you SMB and Mimi for reminding me of why I am doing this. I have FAITH and understand G-d needs me to trust him and walk in faith... no matter how bad it looks, right?