You forget about one of the other rules...IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU..you can't know what's REALLY going on with him..and if you did, HE is OUT OF YOUR CONTROL...

You go to PLAN D if that is what YOU want to do...not based on what HE is doing..



Never give up HOPE for YOURSELF if not for your MARRIAGE..

Don't YOU want to KNOW that YOU have done all that you can do for MARRIAGE?

Never give up HOPE..keep your FAITH...

PLAN A then PLAN B..that's the PROCESS...unless YOU want a DIVORCE...

NO, a DIVORCE is NOT what I want. I want to somehow, someway, depend on G-d to get me through this and guide me every step of the way.

I love him so much, I just want to do what is best for him. For ME, not giving up by letting G-d work it out and truly knowing I DID ALL THAT I COULD, is what I need to do.

I'm tried and so confused. I am so happy for TMTS, but jealous at the same time and listening to people tell me to just D and move on is sticking with me tonight.

I have a dear friend who lung infection came back and she is really sick again. Life just seems to short and I don't want to miss out on love b/c I was too afraid to imagine there was someone else.

But then again, I love this man with all my heart and soul. I have faith in G-d and pray really hard helps my hubby reach his bottom.

Mark was right, I HAVE to fight my way through to strength and mental toughness. I just get tired and impatient and lonely for my H.

What would be hope for myself?

BTW, what are you doing up so late?

Talk to you tomorrow.

H was on the road, traveling from out of town and is home now.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Believer are you out there?

Yep. What's going on?

Can you help me please? Can you tell me about Plan B and how you prepared your heart and mind for it?

Hi JT,

Yep, let's meet on the weekend of the 15th.. You sound happy. I think that's wonderful. The way you are moving on is an inspiration to me.

Mark,

Yes and no, I need relief in the pain that exists inside of me. So what I want to know and in some ways needs to know is, does G-d want me to stick this out, through Plan B or just call it good and end my M.

For years and years, WH refused to meet my most EN and I felt dead inside, but I had hope b/c he "gave" me that hope if I did this, then.

Then the reason he didn't meet that need became his affair. Now, he is off having SF all the time and I am at home praying my hardest for something that may not be in G-ds plans. All the while still dying inside and I work so hard as seeking G-d for guidance on my next step.

I find myself in this awful limbo of waiting for Plan B to happen, and looking for ANY opportunity to do Plan A, and yet when I do, he is completely indifferent to me. And I get hurt more b/c I truly understand there is NOTHING I can do, I get I CAN'T CONTROL HIM, I get that he is NO LONGER my H, He is in AN ADDICTION. I truly get it, I accept it as much as I can, but I don't like it, and it still hurts deeply and I just need some relief.

I'm exhausted, I can't sleep, I toss and turn, and all I do i feel emotions at their rawest. I'm not strong enough for this, so I pray for strength and perserverance, but I am at the end of being able to survive this.

My life feels out of control, b/c it is in so many ways, however the truth is I HAVE NO CONTROL. G-D does and I'm frustrated he isn't moving faster.

What he has already said to me or in Torah and scripture? When you have time can we revisit this?

YES, I do. I just can't imagine Plan B being this because I haven't experienced it yet.

Can you elaborate please. I kinda get this, but not totally.

I think a part of me understands moving on is a holding pattern in many ways. Is that true? I build a new life, but it can't involve a man and so the most important EN I have gets unmet and I feel empty inside. So, somehow I have to come to terms with this and find peace and FAITH it will TRULY be ok.

Sorry for being all over the board today, my brain is in overload of emotions.

Once you go into Plan B things get very boring. No more contact, no nastiness or coldness, nothing. So for awhile it seems very lonely.

But as you stick to Plan B, you are FORCED to get your ENs met elsewhere. I did a lot of exercise, volunteer work, started my own business, made a garden, organized my home, cleaned, painted, went out with friends. At first it was very hard, but I did make a nice new life.

Now that my ex wants to reconcile, I'm not interested.

And a man is NOT the most important EN that you have. Get over that idea.

You may have to STOP spending time with these folks altogether if they keep DISRESPECTING you. I told friends and family members that I did not want to hear that. I no longer spent any time with those that continued. That was part of my PLAN A and continues to be important to me..to this day..to not willfully allow anyone to DISRESPECT me anymore. It really P..ses me off...



EXACTLY...



Pray for FAITH, Queenie. You still have not LET GO and given your H to GOD. You have to SUBMIT and put your WH totally in GOD'S HANDS..."THY WILL BE DONE"...this is not according to YOUR timetable and PLANNING..it's God's..you cannot compare your life's journey to others like TMTS..THIS IS GOD'S PLAN FOR YOUR LIFE...



A place of HEALING..a LIFE filled with joy, peace and serenity...like Believer's <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />..good choice as a mentor, I think....

God doesn't believe in D, Queenie. It's the EVIL ONE who is wanting you to not put your FAITH in the LORD. LET IT GO, QUEENIE. I see you as being anxious about TRUSTING totally in HIM. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto thine on understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.." He's not gonna spell it out in detail for ya...just have FAITH and TRUST...



I'm sorry. You will need to bear with the pain. Relief from the pain will be a long time coming. This has been a MAJOR LIFE TRAUMA. There is not a QUICK FIX.



Cmon, Queenie. You don't know if he is having SF all the time and so what if he is. Stop thinking about your WH and what he is doing because you can't possibly know. I've been there, Queenie, and know EXACTLY what you are doing. It's YOUR THINKIN..STINKIN..POP yourself out it..Shake your head and get your mind off of your WH. He does not exist for you. You are supposed to put him in GOD'S HANDS, remember?



I see you as fignting this NOTION even though you say that you get it. You still want to CONTROL it and you want to be RELIEVED of your pain. I recommend that you talk to your sponsor and/or IC about this...how to give up the need for control and how to cope with emotional pain? I say, listen to BELIEVER..GET BUSY..learn something new...read about something new..get some new projects started..anything and everything to get your mind OFF OF YOUR WH...



You see here. YOU WANT TO CONTROL GOD????? This shows your need to GROW IN FAITH. You have to SURRENDER ALL...

Queenie, I think you need to grow in love for YOURSELF. You can't rely on ANYONE except YOU to make you happy. It is important to learn to take care of yourself. That was THE GIFT of this for me...my sense of PERSONAL POWER. I learned that I had myself and that I can take care of myself and that makes me even more ATTRACTIVE to my husband. He knows that he ENHANCES my life but I no longer DEPEND on him to EXIST. I was even talking to him about this just this morning...what my life would be like without him. I was talking about traveling and my love of GLAMOUROUSNESS - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />. He wasn't at all insulted or taken aback and was smiling.

You love lists. Make a list of the things that you want to do in your life. YOUR DREAMS FOR THE FUTURE....your own dreams...

I want to visit CASTLES in EUROPE. I'm so excited! I'm gonna do that in May..a trip we have planned...

I want to be DEBT-FREE. Need that in order to do more of the above...

I want to read a book a week.

I want to visit places inspired by my reading..like Monticello after reading the book about Thomas Jefferson and Versailles after the biography about Marie Antoinette.

I want a beautiful PERENNIAL GARDEN.

------------------------------------------------------------

I thouhgt I would PRACTICE what I was PREACHING. Hope you don't mind. It was FUN!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Stinkin Thinkin is what will do me in. I know this... But it's also part of the ism in alcoholism. My mind is out to destroy me.

I think I am letting it go, I want to let it go, but obviously I haven't because I am still in turmoil so much.

I wish he would so I could "control" what it looks like. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I truly am just joking. My first reaction is how do I do this. That would be a lie, I totally know.

I am so caught up in fixing and worrying about this that or the other, I am completely losing the basic message of one day at a time. The AA program of recovery gives me these steps to walk through this. I just keep trying to find an easier, softer way and there isn't any.

An interesting concept because you are absolutely right, I have NO CLUE how to cope, what I was to do is fix it or not feel it instead of walking through it.

I think this would be my denial stage of it's not happening and certainly I couldn't be in this much pain, where it is happening and the pain I feel is real and it hurts. It just is... I need to stop being so hard on myself and just take care of myself one toe at a time.

I forget this way TOO often or try to change it instead of letting it just be.

Ok.... You are RIGHT of course. I'm just fighting it.

YOU ARE RIGHT... And all I really have to do is just surrender it for today. I don't have to worry about surrendering it tomorrow, because today is all I have.

You are right, I have to grow in love with myself. That is something I am fighting all the way. How did you start or was it just doing one thing at a time and over time it happened? This is so powerful for me to learn.

I think this is a great idea. Take responsibility for my own life and live it according to G-d will.

I'm trying, I really am. Without a doubt this stinkin thinkin is killing me. I have to figure out a way to get rid of it or change it when it starts. And for that I need to work my daily program of AA recovery.

Keep sharing, it maybe open up my limited mind. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> You are amazing.... And the best part is you know it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> And accept it.

That would be a good dream for me to have one day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Believer,

I need to start making a new life for myself. Like Mimi suggested I am going to start making a list of dreams.

Could I ask you to help me see the possibilities of my list and how to create them instead of dream of them? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Jeremiah 33:3 Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.

I refer to what He has already said to all of us through Torah and scripture. Because God does not contradict himself. He does not change his mind about what is right and wrong.

God has said that He hates divorce. His wish is for no one to get divorced, and yet He does not force us to remain married by making divorce illegal. It is God's will that you remain married, but it is also his desire that you be happily married. Because He loves you more than you can ever imagine, He only wants what is best for you. And as hard as it is to fathom, He loves your husband just as much and wants exactly the same things for him as well.

As much as you love your husband, Queenie, God loves him more. And He loves you more than your husband ever could. But because God loves you both, the most important relationship is the one each of you have with Him rather than the one you have with each other. God wants you to trust in Him rather than yourself. And He wants your husband to do the same.

Mark

Hi Queenie-

I'm looking forward to getting together again. Let's head somewhere new. Maybe Redmond Town Center because it's outdoor and that's kind of fun. Maybe we can get lunch somewhere.

I like the idea of putting together some things you want to accomplish. If you want some ideas for how to get debt free, you should check out The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey. He has a good plan and uses examples in his book of folks who have made amazing progress eliminating lots of debt.

Mark is right. God loves your WH even more than you do. But, God isn't going to force your WH to make the right choices. But, don't worry-God will continue to work on your WH to get his attention.

Here's a verse for you today.

Zephaniah 3:17

The Lord your God is with you,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with his love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.

Love ya'

Queenie,

This is exactly what I mean when I said I surrendered my H to God, and prayed that God would have his way with him.

When I realized that this was about so much more than my marriage, that I could pray that God would have his way and really mean it. My husband was turning from God. That was even more frightening than him turning from me.

You are not responsible for his relationship with God. It is between God and him. So, let God have His way with him. You live your life walking with God, and God will work out the details.

BTW, did you find Max Lucado's book yet? You gotta read it, Queenie. It'll change your life. I really mean that.

Mark, I know.....

JT, This is a great idea and yes, I will check out that debt free site. Thanks....

SMB, I actually understand this to be true. I knew it before, that this was bigger than our marriage, that this is my H's spiritual battle for his soul. And you are right, I have NO CONTROL and it's not my journey, IT'S HIS.

I did the DOMESTIC GODDESS day in my home and especially my closet. I found a diary that my WH kept years ago for almost a year. I was dumbfounded by how sad and unhappy he was. Not with our M, but with himself. I have come to terms with he had multiple opportunities to take responsibility for his life and work through his deep issues. He chose not too. He even writes about how he expects everyone but himself to follow the rules.

He writes how he picked on me and got pleasure from hurting me emotionally. But he always spoke about how much he knew I loved him and looked at him with my bright eyes.

I feel released somehow. I truly get this is completely out of my control. I didn't cause his unhappiness, I can't control him or it and I can't cure it. Only G-d can.

What I know is I love my H so much and I just pray that G-d reaches him and heals him however it's meant to be. My H is in pain, deep pain and what he's done is just more of the downward spiral that was happening years ago, but he chose not to truly do anything. My H's life in on the line, I have no doubt and I am NO G-D.

What I realized tonight is the battles are getting uglier, I need to get out of the war and protect myself. All I can do is step aside and let G-d work his miracles and reach him, THERE IS NO OTHER WAY.

As for me... I have to raise our children and find a way to build a life that is healthy and wholesome. I need your help keeping focused and not buying into my stinkin thinkin cause it will kill me. I am grateful and thankful to G-d for me finding those writings and being set free from the past. It's over for me. Not the hope and faith, not the desire for my M, but the blame, the thinking I could have done this or that.

There was nothing I could have done to stop this, because it began way before he met me. I just didn't get out of the way soon enough to save myself from so much hardship and destructive behaviors that I did myself.

I love you all so much. My story one day will be a success in every way possible. How it turns out is G-d's way and will be revealed as G-d decides. I have much to learn about myself and learn to live a life that I dreamed of and G-d wants to bless me with.

SMB, I have to be honest, I forgot about your request. I have been too busy feeling sorry for myself.

I will go online and try and get it from the library and order it tomorrow or Tuesday.

I have a PTA board meeting and general membership meeting tomorrow and I have lots to do to get ready for it. I'll be glad when that responsibility is over. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Please accept my apology for overlooking that. I won't do it again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Here was a good meditation for me yesterday that I am reading this morning. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Prayer for the Day
I pray that I may try to strengthen my faith day by day.
I pray that I may rely more and more on God's power