I remember that feeling. My H was becoming wicked. He was evil toward me.

You will find refuge in Plan B, Queenie. I am excited for you.





God will rock your world, my friend. One way or another. When I think of what He has done with my marriage, I am in awe and so humbled.








Amen!







I will be among many here to help you keep focused. You will not walk alone in Plan B darkness.






God revealed to me early on that the battle raging in my husband was about his childhood wounds, and not about my "performance" as his wife.





I had my own battle within my soul. satan would whisper in my ear, and often I would rebuke him. But sometimes he got in and I would question myself, doubt myself and my memories and who and what we (our marriage union) were.

There is a song by Casting Crowns called The Voice of Truth. I heard it yesterday on the way home from church and thought about this very thing. I want to share the lyrics with you.



“Voice of Truth” song lyrics by Casting Crowns

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat and then
on to the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He’s holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I’ve tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. “Boy, you never win!”
“You never win!”

Chorus:
But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, “Do not be afraid!”
And the Voice of Truth says, “This is for My glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes
to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone

Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they’d have had the strength to stand

But the giant’s calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I’ve tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again. “Boy you’ll never win!”
“You’ll never win!”

Chorus:
But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, “Do not be afraid!”
And the Voice of Truth says, “This is for My glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don’t seem so high
On top of them lookin’ down
I soar with the wings of EAGLES
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

Chorus:
But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, “Do not be afraid!”
And the Voice of Truth says, “This is for My glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me (calling out to me)
I will choose to listen and believe-

I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth

I will listen and believe
I will listen and believe the Voice of truth
I will listen and believe
Cause Jesus you are the voice of truth
And I will listen to you, you are-

Wow, SMB,

thank you. I need to print this out and keep it in my book and read it over and over again.

I thought I had, but I am still learning it. I think it's something I need to understand daily and practice in my life all the time.

Thank you. I really NEED this board and people. You are a part of my life now and to lose you all too, well my stinkin thiknin has me losing you. I know that this is just one more part of the journey for me to trust and have faith in G-d unconditionally.

This is truly a gift and blessing. It takes me and you out of the equation and lets G-d concentrate on what he is planning to do instead of cleaning up the wreckage of what has been done. If that makes sense. The guilt and shame I have carried thinking I wasn't the best wife. I might not have been and truly I have my own things to be sorry for, but this wasn't ever about me. I just tried to fix it b/c that's what I did and G-d wasn't leading my life.

I have no doubt that our M had many troubles. Clearly when I start the thinkin stinkin or questioning myself it's satan and I have to seek G-d and ask him to help me ward satan off. Yes, I made mistakes, but I no longer carry the guilt that I created this or I could have done something different. The battle began long before me and G-d wants me out of his way to fully address WH just like he did for you.

And in a way that's a blessing. I can see who WH is becoming and he is icky.

Queenie,

If you like contemporary praise music and don't mind that some of the songs refer to Jesus, I would suggest a few CD's that ministered to me in a major way.

Wherever You Are, by Third Day
Any CD by Casting Crowns
Mercy Me has some great CD, too


I am very moved by music, and God most definitely uses it to speak to my heart. For example, the night of my first D-day, I was driving around in the dark at about 3 a.m., honestly in such a dark despair that I was about to give up and just drive off the road. I cried out to God to please give me something to hold on to...my exact words...something to hold on to. Notice in the lyrics, it says "keep holding on." God is so incredibly personal.

I turned on K-Love's international radio station, and this is what started playing. I mean, the song started from the beginning when I turned on the radio.



"Tunnel" by Third Day

I won't pretend to know what you're thinking
I can't begin to know what you're going through
I won't deny the pain that you're feeling
But I'm gonna try and give a little hope to you

Just remember what I've told you
There's so much you're living for

There's a light at the end of this tunnel
There's a light at the end of this tunnel
For you, for you
There's a light at the end of this tunnel
Shinin' bright at the end of this tunnel
For you, for you
So keep holdin' on

You've got your disappointments and sorrows
You ought to share the weight of that load with me
Then you will find that the light of tomorrow
Brings a new life for your eyes to see

So remember what I've told you
There's so much you're living for



Queenie, this song was clearly a message to me from God to save my life that night.


The next day, I went out and bought that CD. Almost EVERY SINGLE song on the CD was so very applicable to my pain and sorrow.

In fact, if I could, I would give that CD to everyone on earth who is a BS. That is how much it spoke to my heart as God pulled me out of the pit of dispair.

Oh, Queenie, no need to apologize.

I am just so anxious to hear what you think of the book.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Music was my spirituality for many years. Our temple choir is amazing and I loved to listen to them. Then I became a part of them and loved to sing. But I stopped when this happened for various reasons and have turned away from music. I listen to shabbat music every so often. Thank you for this list. If you have other ones to recommend, please let me know. However it being a given that my calling in life is not to convert. G-d very clearly spoke that one to me in Joshua 23.

I used to mind things like that. I felt threatened by it that somehow if I listened to what teachings there were from Jesus I would be tainted and no longer be Jewish, but no longer.

As my wise rabbi said, this is a battle for my soul and my WH's soul. What is out there to be used to help me walk through with faith and trust is ok to use.

I am no longer threatened by who I am, I am learning to love myself for who I am. And being Jewish is one of the biggest parts. How's that Mimi, I am letting in the notion of learning to love myself. I am ok to do that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am going to get these, thank you.

Thank you, you are very kind...

How are you doing?

Oh wait till you hear,

I just got off the phone with a loan officer and he feels 99.9% confident he can get me a loan for about 300-345K. Woohoo. I can't start looking for my new house.

What I need to know is should I ask H one more time if he wants to join me or just look for myself?

I would make a more AFFIRMATIVE STATEMENT to him. "I'm going to look for a new house and want you to live there with me." ..PERIOD...I wouldn't fill in the DETAILS of how much or how.

Just look for yourself, Queenie.

I'm happy that you will be able to get a loan for a new house. however, must you spend so much? I don't know what your financial situation is, but perhaps downsizing is in order?

I've only lived on a military budget, so excuse my ignorance. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Perhaps it is time to research Jewish musical artists that can inspire you.

Remember, you'll have to pay that back plus interest. As far as asking your WH... I wouldn't. I think it would be much more of a statement for him to see you "moving on up and on" without him. You can include an invitation in your Plan B letter. (You haven't sent that yet, right?)

Not sure what you mean by this. This amount is based on what I am paying for my apt now.

Nope, haven't sent the letter. Waiting for the lawyer to tell me that hubby can't take money or stop money.

Besides, you don't think I would send it without your approval first do you?

GREAT IDEA!!

Mojo, LOL That is downsizing. My house is on the mkt for 609K. I lived in a 3120 sq ft house and am looking at around 1300 or so. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What a great idea.

Mimi, when were you thinking I would say this to him?

I'm taking a poll, getting many opinions on yes or no. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> And I don't even feel the need to fix it. YAHOOOOO

Queenie,

Have you discussed with your attorney and accountant about how this asset will affect your divorce settlement if you end up there?

As for inviting your husband....NO WAY! If you buy a house right now, it should be about you and your new life.

Not yet, though I will before I do anything....

I am going to need to the write off. And once the LSA is done our assets are separate and he can't touch anything and vice versa. He just won't have as much as me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Poor dude.

I changed my mind.

My vote is NOT to tell him anything SPECIFIC about the house.

Generally, make it clear in your PBL that you want him to come "live" with you when he ends his R with the HO...

Queenie,

A couple of links to music for you...

Susan Colin

Songs For Teaching This one is mostly children's music

Hebrew1

Google shows about 137000 hits for Jewish Inspirational Music, BTW.

Mark

Ha! Mark beat me to it.... I was going to look for some artists for ya! Was just waiting for the toddler to stop attacking me!

Queenie... WOW, you really are downsizing! I'm currently renting a 3 bedroom house that's about 1100 square feet, so I definately see what a big move you are making. I suffering from sticker shock on the house costs in your area, though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm glad Mimi has changed her mind on even mentioning the house to the WH. Truly, just you making such a huge decision on your own, with absolutely no input or expectation from him is an ENORMOUSLY IMPORTANT message-- and very empowering to YOU!

If I am scarce around here more often, please know I am still thinking of you. Just having some issues related to MB stuff and I may need to cut way back here for a bit. I just don't want you to feel abandoned by me or anything. I am thrilled that you have Mimi, Mark, SMB and mopey here for you.

Google es mi amigo...

Mark

Hi Queenie,

New house hey, that's exciting! How are you feeling otherwise? You sound much stronger in the last coupler of days.