Mark and Mojo, Thank you. I can't tell you how that touches my heart you would do that for me. Wow. Thank you so much.

I knew you would be surprised by the housing prices. I moved out of my home back in September b/c there was no way I could afford it without H and he had been turning his complete check over to me. But then his sugar daddy dude died and he needed more money so he could set up a house with crack ho and let her stay at home and do whatever she does all day long. Oh that's right she can't work b/c she has hep c and is on state disability. She is a care giver and would have to be away from WH and he wouldn't let that happen b/c then he wouldn't have complete control over her. Actually who really knows and it doesn't matter.

Mojo, Please take care of yourself and know that I will miss you and think of you as well. We could email each other? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am lucky to have so much support. I wouldn't have made it this far and find myself healing if it weren't for all of you. Truly. I may not have killed myself, but I would be a walking dead person that's for sure. Not someone who is beginning to see the flicker of light towards a new life that I am creating for myself and my children.

{{{{{{{{{TMTS}}}}}}}}} I miss you dude, but I am so happy for you. Truly I am. G-d is up there smiling down on your hard work and sharing in your successes. Please don't leave here, I want to be able to watch your new life unfold.

For the most part I am feeling way better. Rereading those writings really hit home how hurt or messed up my H has been and chose not to do anything about it. We did MC, personal growth classes, etc. He just chose to not dig deep enough to find answers. He chose the cheap and sickening way out and destroyed lives along his destruction. I blamed myself for so much, but today I don't as deeply.

I also just look at all I have to do is get through today. When I go down that stinkin thinkin path is when I start future tripping or regretting the past. Yes, I made mistakes, huge ones that I am very sorry for. But I allowed what he was doing to effect me and become someone that I truly wasn't. I love this man with all my heart. I want him home, but he is in G-d hand's and there is nothing I can do for him.

Every so often a wave of sadness takes over for a moment or two and I am devastated by the complete lack of indifference and abandonement by him. That hurts... He could have been more of a human being and cared that he nuclear attacked me, oh well. Who knows what he is thinking.

So stronger, not sure about that. I do know that being able to buy a house hopefully is a huge step towards my new life. It's hard living in an apt after so many years. I feel like my life is on hold and getting into my own home would go a long way to changing that attitude.

I also would love to see his face when he heard I bought a house. The chances of him getting the kind of loan or finding people who would help him are slim to none. It was only through a very close friend who just got the loan herself that I am lucky out. They do this by invitation only.

I am beginning to have options, where and what type of house will keep me occupied for a while and that's a good thing. Not to mention getting ready to move again, but fortunately I threw out all that I didn't need when I moved from the house.

The only frustrated personal part I am finding is my food. I have completely stopped losing weight and in fact have begun to start gaining. I'm a little concerned and not sure what to do except seek G-d for guidance in picking my food daily.

I'm learning that the futility and complete sadness of what has happened is becoming more ok inside. I miss him still very much. I am angry that he didn't even give me a chance to turn it around. Not one single chance after 29 years. That hurts deeply, but then I have to shake my head and realize he is in an active addiction and is just plain destructive and that's when I can truly thank G-d that my children are not around that sickness and ickiness anymore. OW is welcome to the monster. I want my real H home. And I hope it's G-d's plan to have it happen.

Sorry for the rambling. There is so much on my heart this morning and I still am not sleeping well.

(((((SG)))))

I acutely feel what you're going through, and only wish I had the comfort of knowing my children were protected from it. God is our strength through this, and I know you're in the right place for you. He is watching out for and looking after you.

I have grown to admire deeply your strength and resolve, and am very happy to see you taking steps to regain control of your life.

I'm still working on that process myself, and have come a long way since Friday in 'letting go' completely.

Still.. I'll hear a song on the radio, or find myself staring at a photo of her and/or DSD and just break down. I've learned that's -ok-.. and I acknowledge those emotions for the real hurt that comes with this, and then press on.

It's getting better.

It'll get better for you too... God promises it will.

Hi James, Long time no talk to.

I agree, having the children makes it way easier. I won't even go into what you already know and are experiencing. It's too painful and I want to bring you hope of how awesome you are and that you and I both know G-d will turn this into good for you. Especially you because you are so committed to walk HIS journey in life.

G-d honors you and is loving you so much. Ever since I saw that card on grief last week I really owned up to the pain that exists, but that it does comes in waves. We get to learn how to ride the wave and walk through the pain, because like the wave, it will recede back and we won't hurt so badly.

Tell me how you notice the changes in you after 'letting go" completely. I realized that you as much as me are so happy for TMTS, but hurting deeply because there is that wonder of why not us. But then I got to read his writings. My H is one hurt human who is just going down farther and it's part of what was started years ago and is heading down faster and faster by his destructiveness. I have no clue where this ends up, but I honestly hope that buying my house and moving on will cause him to notice and maybe even care one drop that he could lose me. Who knows, not my plan, G-ds....

I'm glad it's getting better. I kept looking for you over the weekend. I need to catch up on your thread to see how you are doing.

One of the things I noticed is that I am finding more energy to concentrate at work. I have a huge amount of work to accomplish today, not to mention the young man's family service is today, and then I need to bake cookies for tomorrow and the community service and then the high school concession stands need my help for a few hours today during the playoffs. So busy busy day ahead. I will do my best to check in.

The hardest part is still not having my H to talk to and share with him all the good stuff that is happening to our children and how blessed our kids are to be in this school district. They are doing amazing stuff with our kids and he is missing out on all of it. I hurt for him. Because my H if he still exists in there is suffering horribly over what he is losing out on. I just have faith in that, not to hurt him, but knowing that person who feels deeply.

I just remembered one part of the writing where my H writes about not letting emotions in or out. Now, after getting to know me on here, can you imagine how frustrating that would be for me. He held in everything and I am life, excitement, adventure. No chaos.

My life is beginning it's new adventure and I am eternally grateful for here to be with me on this new part of the journey.

I care about you all so much.

BTW, Smartie if you are looking around, I am thinking of you girl and missing you terribly. Let's talk this weekend, ok sweetie?

Unfortunately there is only one way to lose weight. That is to burn more calories than we take in.

Once you begin to diet, you're body starts to use up fat reserves, but eventually the body starts to make adjustments in order to prevent total depletion of those resreves. That is what happens when you hit a plateau in dieting. It is your body making adjustments to your metabolism in order to stave off future starvation.

Once that plateau is hit, you have three choices: 1)stay where you are (maybe gain a bit as your new metabolic rate is established.) 2) eat less than you are already (might not be healthy for most people, especially women) 3) burn more.

The easiest is # 1, the first thing most people think of is # 2, but the best long term solution is # 3. By exercising more, you not only burn more calories, you also build more muscle, which burns more glycogen so you don't store it and can burn more fat as well. A word of warning, muscle weighs more than fat, so if you build more muscle you will weigh more than if you remain fat, but you can also weigh more because more muscle will burn more fat. Bigger motor = more fuel required.

Many vehicles are designed with a reserve built into the gas tank. Once the gage says "E", there is always a little bit left. Bigger vehicles like massive SUVs have more reserve capacity than tiny little rollerskate type cars. The problem most of us have is that we have one of those little economy cars with the gas tank of an Excursion. Add to that our gas gage saying empty when we haven't even left the gas station yet and still have most of what we ate at the last meal yet to be dealt with and we end up with way more fuel than we need.

So we need to run our motor harder and for longer periods of time. Of course then we have a higher requirement for rest (maintenance), since it is during resting phase that our muscles are built and rebuilt. In fact more of the stored fat is actually burned during rest rather than during sustained exercise. Of course if we run our motor long enough, we can run out of gas, but that really takes a lot longer than most people imagine.

But the fat is the reserve capacity of our system. Unless we have depleted our primary capacity (glycogen,) which is available for instant energy, we never get into the reserves. So if we eat when we still have fuel left, our body, unlike the car analogy, adds it to the reserve and actually makes the tank bigger to hold the surplus.

To carry the analogy further, if we eat (get gas) when we aren't empty yet, our body actually drains out what is left in the tank and puts it into gas cans (fat cells) and puts them into the trunk. If we do this often enough, it is most often our trunk that gets too big, and some of us end up with a trailer behind us as well. Unless we empty the tank far enough, our body never goes to the trunk to get some of what it saved. And the next time we have a surplus, it goes into the trunk with what is already there.

Check out Covert Bailey (Fit or Fat series of books). I have found that I don't agree with 100% of what he says, but his analysis of how the body works is accurate.

Mark

James,

Having been in recovery for a while now, I can tell you that I still have those moments. Some are related to triggers and others are just sort of an underlying sadness at what has been lost and will maybe never return.

It isn't the loss of my wife, since she is right here with me, but the loss of the dream (fantasy?) of what I thought we had. There are some pictures of my wife from just before the beginning of the A that I can look at and be moved to tears. I'm a photographer and have lots of pictures. BTW and took many of them in the months leading up to the affair because my wife had just gone from a frumpy size 14 to a fit and fabulous size 4 within the previous couple of years. She actually looked better than ever and looked so hot she even made me slobber...(part of the problem of course was her inability to deal with other guys slobbering all over themselves when she was around)...So I have LOTS of pictures to trigger me from those days.

So even in recovery I can relate to what you are experiencing because I too have those same triggers because of what has been lost.

Mark

Unfortunately I agree. I am just adjusting how and what I eat to accomplish that. I have many choices on what type of food plan. There is the south beach, atkins, blood diet, candida diet, weight watchers, etc. It's finding the right combination that I need to work on. Any suggestions?

I agree, I need to start exercising more. That is the one thing that I don't do nearly as often as I did in the beginning, so I will find a way to incorporate that into my life more.

LOL, I had an exercursion. It was my most favorite vehicle I ever owned.

I get the analogy, but I'm not totally getting the point. I'm a little slow this morning. Basically I have a huge as tank, that runs a certain way. The best way to run it is deplete the fuel to empty before I add more gas. To do that I need to exercise more and eat less. Pretty much it?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Can it also be that it isn't so much of what has been lost, but more like what has been taken swiftly and coldy without care or concern on how bad it would hurt us and leave us empty.

Queenie,

What I'm saying is that the real solution is to do two things. One is to cut out surplus fuel (calories) but at the same time to build a bigger motor so we can consume more fuel. Just cutting out food only works for a while and then our body adjusts by burning less, sort of like using cruise control on the highway with a modern car. The motor becomes more efficient and so less fuel is used.

So by exercising beyond just burning the excess calories we eat, we need to burn even more calories in order to dip into the reserves of fat we already have stored. By doing that for a prolonged period, our muscle mass starts to increase and therefore we can become better at burning fat and can dip into those reserves more easily and consistently.

Really super-fit athletes have so much muscle mass relative to fat that they can and do eat enough in one day to feed a family of 5! They are like a "muscle car" which is nothing more than a mid-sized car with a huge motor. When these guys retire, many become fat quickly unless they can adjust their intake to levels their bodies can use.


As for what has been lost...What was really lost was a dream or fantasy. It was a life that never really was, but the potential for it was there all along. The affair destroyed that fantasy of what might have been, though the potential is still there.

You see, for me, when my wife was getting into shape, and I was starting down that same road, we were also becoming empty nesters. Our son was away at college, our daughter was gone from home and living a thousand miles away and we were starting to do everything together. We went out to eat 2 or 3 times per week, spent weekends together doing fun stuff and were growing closer than ever in our lives. We were living like we did when we first married but with a few extra bucks to spend on doing fun things.

The affair and things that led up to that destroyed that life because we no longer live like that. Our son is now going to school closer to home and is home every couple of weekends, and our daughter now lives with us with our granddaughter. In addition, part of my wife's adjustment to protecting her inability to deal with other men finding her attractive is that she has gained back most of the weight she lost and no longer dresses like she was doing. It makes an affair less likely, but also reminds me of the pain because she looked amazing and now looks less so. (She's not ugly by any stretch, but she was phenomenal and now just better than average) At her best, just before the events leading up to the affair began, she was almost 50 and looked all of 30; people thought she and our daughter were sisters.

But it was what could have been that was lost.

Mark

Hi Queenie,

You’re not getting rid of me that easily. I've just been putting allot of time with my DW. I think were close to 10 hrs in 3 days. It was a very busy weekend and we are both beat. Tonight is going to be no better. I don't know if you remember a few weeks ago about my DW's sick uncle, well he took a turn for the worse yesterday and the doctors say he could go at any time now, so were are going to visit the family tonight.

I thank you so much for your support!!! You were there from the start and keep my sprits up when I was down. I'm keeping tabs on what is happening and I'm glad to see you are taking full control of your life, you are taking much more about yourself now.

Prayers!!!

Hey Queenie

I popped in today to check on all my pals here and wouldn't you know it--a message from you on the thread! I've been so busy with school and work since January I'm having trouble keeping up daily like I used to. But you and my other MBers are always in my thoughts and prayers.

I'm not in school this weekend so let's definitely talk this weekend. I can call you Sat or Sun (since there is no more football until Sept--YEAH GIANTS!!). Jsut let me know what works best for you...

I love you lots!

Smartie

Hey TMTS,

Good, I need to hear about how well things are going between you. I can't do the quote thing for some reason today. You should be concentrating on your DW, that's why you are here. It's so exciting to see what's happening.

I am not taking control. I am giving my life to G-d and doing as he plans for me. I don't want control, I want peace and serenity. I feel a little stronger today and more at peace. So just for today I am going with it.

Hey Smartie, You and me on the phone Saturday.

Queenie,

I think TMTS is looking for a career change. He's taking in laundry now. (Laundry Boy - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> )

Have you checked out any of that music yet. Don't forget to try Google as well. Lots of hits.

Mark

Queenie,

Glad to see that you are doing so well. I know what you mean about the bouts of sadness. They hit me at times too. It gets lonely some days for sure.

AS for weight, I have gained back about 6 pounds. I was below 105 at one point and looked really bad, so I'm glad to have a little back but I don't want it to get out of hand. I'm at the age where I think it will be easy to pack them on. I've never had a problem and don't want to start now.

Let's chat sometime. Would love to talk with you....

Take care.

For the first time in a LONG time I was totally on task and working very diligently at school. No internet toying there.

I went to my friend's first of two memorial services this afternoon, went to the store, got my boys medicine, they are both sick, came home, changed and am heading u to high school to work concession stands for basketball tournament. It's a PTA thing. Then I have to go head down to DD work and bring her home, only to get home and bake cookies for the service tomorrow.

Whew..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> But it's occupying time and I had a very hard time sitting in there thinking about how much I miss my H and how much time is being wasted while he is off living his life. I'm backsliding a little. I just plain hurt and miss him.

Chai, by phone? email me and I will give you my number. I would love to....

I miss talking to you.

The sad times hurt and are hard. I just give it to G-d and ask him to hold me and then I cry hard and let it out and let it go. I don't know what else to do. So, tonight, while I am so sad and hurting I will go volunteer and be around kids who are young and full of life and with people who think I am worth something.

I know... I know... I have to believe it... I'm trying...:)

Hey Queenie,

I emailed you. Hope to talk soon...

You got it Chai.....

Hi Queenie-

Just a quick post to let you know I'm still around, still praying for you, still keeping up with your thread-just have been busy coming up with ways to avoid doing my homework....(class tomorrow night-two assignments due)

Well, gotta get back to my homework. That's so funny to write out-"my homework". I've been teaching for almost 25 years and I'm still doing homework!

Hi JT,

I feel you in my heart and I am thinking of you as well. I am very glad your life is full and busy. You are so remarkable in your strength and building of a new life. I will talk to you soon.

Love me

SMB,

I was in Safeway last night and got the book. I walked out of the store reading it and began to cry. Thank you. I just have to keep quiet and wait on the Lord to direct my walk. I needed to read, look to the sidelines that is G-d cheering you on. Look past the finish line, thsat's G-d applauding me. I need to somehow come to understand there is a finish line and just keep my eyes on G-d.

Please remind me again, WW are notoriously selfish and self centered. That's why it can be related to the addictive mind. I had a convo with DD and she is in such pain over how she knows that her dad is no longer and he doesn't care about them. I need alittle reassurance, can he possibly come out of this or the fact that he is so gone is just too far to come back. How do I teach my kids to open there heart up and trust when the one person they trusted more than anything, the one person who was their stability, just walked out on them.

I don't know how to do it. But I am praying and just asking G-d today and leaving it with him because it will drive me crazy seeing the pain in their eyes.

I'm frustrated that he lives this completely other life and I watch our children and their pain everyday. For sure we are healing, but I hurt so bad for my kids.

Come join with ME, Queenie..at least 30 minutes of aerobic exercise per day, at least 5 times a week..NO MATTER WHAT...that goes along with the 6 to 8 glasses of water...

I pretty much stick with the WW Maintenance Diet and my exercise program...

The exercise helps me MENTALLY too..I listen to music and/or books on tape on my MP3 Player..

It's the HIGHLIGHT of my day...

OH man, I was JUST THINKING how I need to figure out how to get in daily exercise. Let me be accountable to thinking of ways to do it and put it up here for discussion or agreement, ok? That will help me.

I'M JOINING YOU WOMAN...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

What does it look like?