Why Mark, I think you are right.

James,

I think G-d would be very happy with me then. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


I'm not sure I completely understand, but you know what, that's ok. Because I am just doing. I really don't feel the need to fix anymore. It is what it is.

Is the sadness still there, ABSOLUTELY. And the HOPE and the utmost FAITH, that one day this will have a happy and good ENDING. I just need to get through today. I still miss him so much, but he is in G-ds hands and I TRUST that G-D does LOVE him more than I could ever.

I do to... I'm just still a little impatient, but not worrying about it, just accepting it.

I will read them. Thanks....

I was thinking today that you might really like joining Weight Watchers. It involves GROUP MEETINGS and you could meet some NEW FRIENDS on your same weight loss journey. It would be another support group for you.

No, I don't want to add another meeting to go to. Between the two board meetings, my second job, and AA meetings, I don't want to be gone more.

Remember that I truly bleed if you cut me. Well WH just left a message. The ONLY time he ever calls is when he WANTS something. Now he wants to know when I am going to have the taxes ready - because he really NEEDS the money.

He never asks how I am doing, just when are you going to do this and that. I'm truly dying inside. What is wrong with me. I can't wait for Plan B.

What should I do about the taxes?

You need to say something short, sweet and to the point..like "So great to hear from you. I'm too BUSY to do the taxes right now"...some BABBLE response..which I am not good at doing...

Are you sure about your REASON for NOT doing WWers? I certainly RESPECT your viewpoint and your time...but are you sure that's the reason? You need to FILL up YOUR TIME now..and we make time for what's important...and HEALTH needs to be a priority..not the board meetings...

saying this WITH LOVE...

I know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> And I love you too...

Let me rethink this and see if that's the reason. I don't mind going to the gym and taking care of my health that way.

Part of my reasoning is to not fill up my time without my kids. They are going to be gone in a few years and I don't want to neglect them. For instance, here was my week... Monday - PTA board and general meeting... Tuesday - worked at PTA concession stands Wednesday - went to funeral and then stayed home with boys, but did isolate, tonight - planning to go to AA meeting, tomorrow as well. Saturday I usually stay at home with the boys, then Sunday go to an AA meeting.

Next week, Monday is Lacrosse board meeting, Tuesday I work my 2nd job, Wednesday - AA meeting, Thursday either home or AA meeting and Friday AA meeting.

I could maybe look and see if they have a Saturday meeting in the area. Sometimes I am too busy, and just can't get anything done because I am in the stinkin thinkin mode. Ya know...

I'm SOLD on WWers..like MBer's..you know how LOYAL I can be..such a KOOLAID DRINKER...I always LOSE when I get back on my WWer's plan and I lost 50 lbs. over 5 years ago and haven't gained it back...

The meetings last less than a half hour...

I recall having taken my YS and letting him wait in the car...

Your kids should support you working on your weight loss...

Plus, at their ages, they probably don't want to spend much time with you anyway..they just wanna be FED and CARPOOLED..or to be allowed to USE YOUR CAR....LOL....

I, personally, let the OTHER stuff go, boards and such..spending time with people, doing things for people who didn't really care about me...but that's MY ISSUE...I spent time doing that STUFF and NEGLECTED my H who did LOVE me..and wanted MY TIME...YUCK...

I agree, those other boards don't matter.

But WH wants to have NOTHING to do with myself. Lacrosse is important to me because it helps my kids out financially. I get a scholarship for them to play by helping out. PTA, that is on it's way out. I am almost done.

You are right about my kids. I just hate leaving them alone, I thought that my H was around all that time and it turns out he was off with someone else.

You know, I keep going back to, I gave up all my volunteer work and it didn't make him happy. I lost a whole mess of weight and it didn't make him happy. In fact, when I was younger I got down to 140 and it wasn't enough for him. I became a completely submissive wife to him for years and that didn't make him happy. No matter what I did, didn't make him happy. I don't volunteer hardly at all anymore.

I will look at my reason for not wanting to go to WW. I must admit, I have tried it before and had horrible success with it. I'm scared I will fail again I think.

My emotions are all over the place today. Hearing WH's voice just sinks me because I miss him so much.

Can we do the reminder thing... He is an ADDICT he is no different than any other ADDICT and since he needs money, he NEEDS his next fix and doens't care about anything but getting his next fix. Right.

When does what he do stop hurting so deeply or will it always?

OK. LACROSSE is a GOOD THING..stays on the platter! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />



What do you mean? They are TEENAGERS! It's NORMAL for them to be SEPARATING from YOU...especially BOYS! Celebrate your FREEDOM from BABYsitting!!....They'll still be your boys..I talk to MY BOYS every single day..they don't live with us..we're closer than ever..it's "neat" having grownup sons to chat with about stuff...and for me CHATTING is enough for right now... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />



I'm yelling...THIS IS NOT ABOUT MAKING HIM HAPPY!! That may have been the problem!! It's about what YOU need to do for YOURSELF..for your own EMOTIONAL and PHYSICAL WELL-BEING!!



What do you think the REASON was for your FAILURE? You evidently are GREAT at WEIGHT LOSS. How did you lose the 80 lbs?

Hey Queenie,

You have mail....

Hang in there.

Queenie,

Just a reminder that tax day isn't until April 15th...

No hurry...

Mark

LOL, this is going to be FUN....

OK, good

They aren't the ones separating. They want me around more. I am the one who is coming and going. I NEVER stop them from doing what they want. I feel guilty because I really do have a life and am not at home more. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I DIDN'T LOSE THE WEIGHT THIS TIME FOR HIM, BUT FOR ME...... I was speaking about what I had done in the past, years ago and all the things I tried to make him happy. Today I understand it wasn't my job to make him happy.

This is where I get confused. In the beginning I blamed myself so deeply for all that happened, but as time has gone on and I see more truths. I wasn't a bad wife, I was a wife who mistakenly tried to fix his life and it didn't work because it could have only been fixed by G-d.

So is that what you mean by that may have been the problem? If so, can you help me sort it out so I can understand what you mean and I can begin to change it or ask G-d to help me change.

That is the million dollar question. A few theories. One my weight was protecting me against my H and when he was gone I didn't need that protection anymore. Two - it's all G-d and he just is testing me on my faith and walking through.

So, I promise I will look into it and discuss it with you. What did you like most about it?

Hi Mark,

Isn't that interesting because my WH always knows I am late doing taxes because I always did them alone.

He just wants me to hurry up because HE NEEDS MONEY. I hate to break it to him, but we usually only get enough money to pay the accountant.

Not to mention, I can't do the taxes until I get his information, he changed his address at work and didn't tell me, so can't help him until he helps himself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I was really torn up about this earlier, but then I realized he must be struggling. Poor man..... I am praying for more struggles.

Hey Chai,

I will pop on over to comcast and see what I have.. I love mail....

OK Queenie, What's going on? Haven't heard a peep out of you all day. It isn't like you to not post for 24 hours.

And BTW...

Shabbat Shalom!

Mark

Hi Mark,

Thanks I needed that. Good Shabbas.

I don't know what's wrong. I am working at visiting houses today, in a little while actually.

I'm planning my new life, I've turned over my WH and the outcome, I have completely surrendered to G-d and his will. I'm tired and just plain sad inside.

I sat out on the couch with my YS, he is mad because he doesn't like the fact that we will be moving and it will be less convenient for him to get around town. It seems that no matter what I try to do I can't win. He was mad at me for moving into an apt, that wasn't good and now with the house, he is mad.

I read Torah last night, specifically psalm 142. The lines that stand out of me are:

142 - 2:3
I cry aloud to the Lord
I appeal to the Lord for mercy
I pour out my complaint before him
Lay my trouble before Him
when my spirit fails within me.

142:6
So I cry to You, Lord
I say "You are my refuge,
all I have in the land of the living

142:8
Free me from prison
that I may praise Your name

And then went onto 143: 1 3-4, 7-10
Oh Lord, hear my prayer
give ear to my plea, as YOu are faithful
answer me, are You are beneficent

My foe hounded me
he crushed me to the ground
he made me dwell in the darkness
like those long dead
My spirit failed within me
my mind was numbed with horror

Answer me quickly, Oh Lord
my spirit can endure no more
Do not hide Your face from me
or I shoujld become like those who descend into the Pit
Let me learn of your Faithfulness by daybreak, for in You I trust
let me know the road I must take for on You I have set my hope
Save me from my foes, Oh Lord
"to you I look for cover"
Teach me to do your Will
for You are my G-d
Let Your gracious spirit lead me on level ground.

this is my pray for today, it's all I want is some relief from this and to know what G-d wants me to do.

I love G-d so much and only want to please him and walk in his safety, but I don't know what way to turn on anything today.

So thank you for asking about me. It means alot.

How are you doing? What plans do you have for the weekend?

You can't please your son..he's gonna be MAD..no matter what you do...

My YS was the SAME WAY...

It HELPED to let him go with me to visit houses...

But I made it CLEAR to him that I was IN CHARGE of taking care of him and that I KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR HIM..

I told him that he would UNDERSTAND..when he was GROWNUP and had his OWN CHILDREN..LOL...he didn't have to UNDERSTAND now..and COULDN'T ...

I asked he said no. But I will try again this morning for this first house.

How LUCKY for me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I actually still use the information that WH told me a few months ago on how to handle things with them. Tell them what I am doing and leave it with them. Walk away.

EXACTLY!!

I did. I just don't like it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I want to fix it, but I know I can't.

So on tap for today, get dressed, go look at one house, maybe drive around and see what else might be out there. Get MS home, look at another house depending on timeing and then go to the gym and fake and bake.

Somehow I am going to get the exercising in. I am also going to look at making a block for my quilt on my journey. I also plan to call Chai and Smartie.

What do you have on tap for the day?