What a great question. I thought about this as I walked to my meeting tonight. I think in many ways I am getting I am a worthy person.

I went to the lawyer, signed the papers for the legal separation. I went looking for houses yesterday, I recognized when I was emeshed with WH in a game and got out of it. I went exercising yesterday, and not only did I exercise this morning, but I walked to my meeting tonight. I have been to a meeting every night since Wednesday night last week.

My thoughts are still slow in thinking I am a worthy person, but my actions are showing I am. I am taking care of myself, my spirit, my body, I am treating myself to retail therapy, spending time with my children. I am suiting up and showing up even when my mind would rather give up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> And I am talking to G-d. In many ways, I feel like I have jumped and I am just soaring for a little while, like today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

But you are right, my stinkin thinkin still lives inside, it's my disease and I have to shut it out.

Hi Chai, I miss you. Let's try and talk tomorrow. How is your DD. How are you? Thank you... I'll try and remember that.

One day I will recover and look back on this and know that G-d did good. Tonight I am just soaring from jumping and I am leaving my hands and my life in G-ds care.

I am about to go watch Boston Legal with my son. I haven't done that in almost 9 months. I want some mommy veg time with him.

Thank you for your patience with me.

Well,

I think I actually almost slept the entire night. Wow. I'm still groggy and not getting up as early as I would like.

The DOMESTIC GODDESS NEEDS TO STRIKE AT HOME. I have been busy keeping myself away from home, and two teenage boys. Well you can imagine.

I spoke with DD last night, she found out that WH quit his job. Oh my goodness is she upset. Not b/c he is leaving but b/c she found out from co-workers. She's hurt and she knows her dad isn't there anymore. She was so upset she went up to his office and took the pictures of her and the kids. She does't want him to have anything of her if he is going to ignore her.

As I was talking to her on the phone I was explaining, to her that he is just looking for happiness, etc. My YS got very upset and yelled out, STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM. I didn't get upset or try to fix it, b/c he is right.

I'm doing ok today. I have plans to get my boys up to the high school for camp, take pictures, then go to an all you can eat sushi place - not really into that, and then come home and see how the day plays out.

I can really see that what is happening to him is a very destructive path, but with G-d and your 2 x 4's, I will just stay out of the way.

How should I give him the Plan B letter?

Hi Queenie,

I miss you too!!! Been a rough week for me for some reason. It's that damn rolloercoaster thingy that we're on I guess. I hate when that happens.

Let's plan on talking soon. I'm going to bed early tonight because I'm really tired, but I'll be around all weekend so let's chat.

What did you decide about the PBL?

I don't know. No one has answered to tell me how to work it best.

Sorry, Queenie.

The main thing is just to make sure that he gets the letter in his hands.

Don't give it a second thought. I realized that part of me delaying giving him the letter is because then I won't have a reason to talk on here or somewhere in my mind I am thinking I am losing you. I know that stupid and stinkin thinkin...

I just got off the phone with DD. Evidently her dad called her today to accuse her of stealing his stuff. He blew up at her and she pretty much told him to screw off and hang up.

She is so angry at him because she truly gets how lost he is. It hurts. There is NOTHING I can do. The kids are so mad at him it's amazing that he just doesn't get it. And now he has one more excuse to be the victim.

My DD wants to sign me up for Eharmony and get another guy in my life. My kids want me to D their dad immediately. How come I get to keep feeling and dealing with all the pain and he just lives in this plastic world.

I know, I am learning about myself and my G-d. And he has better plans for me when I am through it. I'm still in air after having jumped last night. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I just checked online for my banking. And I am a little pissed. Remember I said that WH started going back to the gym, well he is having the MONEY come out of OUR joint account without saying anything to me. He made it seem like he was paying for it.

How should I handle this? Just let it go, go into Plan B and then cancel his account?

This self-entitlement is beyond belief sometimes.

As a preliminary for your LS and Plan B, open up your own account. Take the money that YOU need out of that account.

Not sure I understand what you mean.

I already have my own account.

I'm sorry, Queenie. It's hard to keep up with all the details. So I'm not sure about your point. I was suggesting that once he puts his money into the joint account, take out ALL that YOU need to pay your expenses, only leaving the extra in there, if any, for him to use for the gym or whatever. The main thing is for you to get all the money tha you need, right? Don't be surprised about his entitlement, lying and deceitfulness.

Ok, gotcha....

I'm sorry for all the details.

Absolutely

Why do they still do this? He is living with her, he doesn't need to lie anymore to me.

It's really sad to watch the destruction he is causing. G-d us certainly being active in his life. I'm glad I am out of it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Isn't that what addicts do? He's HIGH all the time...or coming off of a HIGH..craving his next FIX...

You are so right. Totally Garden-Variety.

In a very strange way his actions and words should bring me comfort because they are so typical.

Textbook though off the chart a bit. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ok.

I went looking at two houses today. One was my dream home, something I always dreamed of having with my H. It has land, an open country look. It's 2000 sq. ft, manufactured home on 1.25 acres, in the mountains. Perfect. It's perfect.

But it's 1 mile away from HIM and OW and there is no way my boys will go look at it.

Why would something so perfect, that I always dreamed of with my H be so close at reach and yet, so not touchable. Why would G-d lead me to there knowing the pain and sadness it would bring because he knows my heart and knows how this was something I always dreamed of.

Please tell me one day it won't hurt like this. That I will somehow find the strength to enjoy life.


Please help me understand

God is too AWESOME to comprehend.

If YOU could understand HIM then HE wouldn't be GOD.

We must have FAITH and TRUST in HIM with all of our heart...

That IS NOT the house for you or IS IT?

Hi Queenie,

I know neither one of us believes it now, but I'm convinced that it won't hurt like this forever. There will be some pain that will always be with us because we just can't erase those years of our lives, and we can't erase the betrayal either. It will always hurt.

Not sure what the answer is about the house, but I know that he will lead you to the right one. Somehow, you'll know.

I'll be here all evening if you would like to talk. Just give me a call.

That is the sweet question, isn't it.

and the second house?

I know about that pain. Every once in awhile I get a reprieve from it, but then it comes back and it really is horrible. We're on a journey and we've got to believe it will get better than this. We're learning from this and becoming stronger and some day God will perhaps use us because of our strength to help someone else.

Plan B date set yet?

The second house didn't have a lock box so we didn't get in. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Plan B date I hope is next week.

This would make it all worthwhile if I could help someone else one day make it through this pain and destruction.

Thank you Serenity.... Yes, we have to have FAITH and TRUST it will get better.

Queenie,

Just want you to know that you are a wonderful, awesome woman.

And I will respect you by saying that G-d is doing an awesome job on you. You will prevail, regardless.

And what I read on n2f's thread, you are looking GOOD!!!!

Remember that you are WORTHY! You are precious in G-d's eyes, and you will have what G-d wants for you, which is the best.

Love in Christ,
Miss M <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />