Silent:

All these things?

Makes us WHO we are.

Darn, to be a happy-go-lucky as I was before I got married and had responsibilities.

Before the house.
Before the Kid.
Before.................

We are happy today, because we choose to be.

You can go back there.

LG

LG,

I WANT to go back there, if only to rescue that free part of me, and bring her back to the now.

I know I've said this before, but I think I really had a breakthrough. I'm not afraid to recover now. We won't have more of the same, because we aren't the same.

I think it's part of your job, though, to CREATE some of what he is calling FANTASY though. DON'T BE AN OLD MARRIED COUPLE!!

We're OLD and NOT an OLD MARRIED COUPLE..LOL....

Oh, I hear him now. I really do. I don't want us to be an old couple either. If he believes that, I will have to go about systematically changing how I do things so that he knows I want to feel young with him.

I want some fantasy with him, too. I'm not going to stomp my feet like a child anymore, trying to force water from a stone; I'm going to take action.

You go, Girl!!

It all makes sense now.

I've said it to so many others, and now I really believe it. STOP LISTENING, START WATCHING. Believe in what you see.

This may be a bit of FOG...REWRITING HISTORY for JUSTIFICATION...



AND WHY NOT, MS LIGHNTNING BOLT????

If I can get there, YOU CAN TOO...work towards a PASSIONATE MARRIAGE..it's WONDERFUL..and I don't mean just the SF..THE EMOTIONAL INTIMACY...scary and long road to travel for the EMOTIONALLY DETACHED..but you can do it...

IGNITE THAT FIRE AND KEEP IT BURNING!!!

Carve out time for JUST YOU AND HIM..no IFS, ANDS or BUTS...TIME TO PLAY AND HAVE FUN...get in touch with the CHILD in you...

Well, that's my frame of mind NOW. Tomorrow could prove different. I'm learning and changing as we speak. I feel like a BUYER today.

I HOPE we can keep a roaring fire. That's a step in the right direction.

Or, dare I say it, foggy?

I just skimmed over the last two pages--I need to maintain some distance on this one--but I'm glad to hear that things seem to be moving in the right direction.

Hey guy,

Oh, foggy would accurately describe it. It's REAL.

I think those that have recovered or are further along in recovery have a lot to offer me, in terms of explanation, advice and a plan. In my experience, it hasn't been possible to fully understand something until you experience it and work your way through it.

I can understand those in Plan A, Plan B (I'm better with Plan B), because I lived it.

Those who say recovery is tough are not kidding. I just didn't know what that meant for me; now I do.

I think that this is true, certainly for me.

As an aside, I think that it also explains some of the frustration long-timers here have with new people who can't quite get their mind around the difficult parts.

Like I said, though, I'm happy that you're getting good advice.

Each time we enter a new phase (the forum posters), we have a big learning curve. There are new and different challenges. The recovered (personal and marriage-wise) have already witnessed, worked through and survived what we are faced with. They've got our backs, no matter how much we rail against it.

Mimi has been telling me that PWC is in withdrawal, but to me it was hard to live with him and use the 'excuse' that he was in withdrawal and wouldn't commit to meeting my EN's. NOW, I get it. It's not an excuse, it's an explanation of the behavior, and should be used as a tool of how to deal with someone.

Until you are faced with the fog babble, you have no idea of how to deal with it. All of this time, I've been WAITING to see change, the change that *I* wanted him to exhibit, but I wasn't changing to elicit the appropriate response. I was sacrificing, and growing resentful.

I should have expressed pain over that shirt the first day I saw it. I did say something during our false recovery, but just assumed he would comply to what was in my HEAD.
I should not have let it lay. To him, it was insignificant. This may be fog, but that's what I'm dealing with. I should have repeated the process until he recognized the pain and did something about it. I chose to be triggered, and do nothing about it.

Now, I'm not excusing his behavior. I'm explaining it.

I have to say, although the approach was wrong, I'm happy that shirt is gone.

It's always easier to see it for someone else. It was easier for me to label his behavior as fog because I'm not facing it myself. Perhaps, however, now it will be easier for me to recognize the withdrawal-fog should I ever get to that point.


I'm a shades of gray guy. There's "wrong," and there's "less helpful than some other ways of dealing with it."

I don't think that your shirt-disposal technique was wrong. The accompanying email, on the other hand, I would slap you around over had it not already been done. Regardless, I don't think you need to beat yourself up over this anymore.

SL - My ex's affair ended in January of this year. I think they still had a bit of contact, but they were done. My ex has been calling/writing me since then. He is just NOW becoming unfoggy. For months and months he was not interested at all in me.

And the way he talks about EVERYTHING is just so different. I haven't done anything, and now he is back to normal. I suggest you do the best you can to make a good life for yourself. When he becomes unfogged it will make all of the difference.

guy, I'm not beating myself up over the 'shirt incident' anymore; It may have been the wrong approach, but what it did was teach me soooo much about myself. I'm grateful for that. Regardless of what PWC has or has not done, I have made a real breakthrough. It's good to know that my friends are here to slap me around. Much needed...

Believer, I read your thread about your ex coming back. You may not want to reconcile, but you did get to see your old friend again. That's a good thing. One can hope that he will learn something from his mistakes.

I plan on doing more along the lines of doing for myself. I really have been doing the sacrificing thing, and that is just not good for anybody.

I plan on taking on a buyer mentality, doing the things necessary until they become habit. I think any valuable skill takes oodles of practice.

you know... my husband and I have started watching Chef Gordon Ramsey in "Kitchen Nightmares" - both the UK and the US versions. We find alot of his business/management and leadership techniques interesting.

My husband asked me why on earth women find him attractive. And I had to tell my husband: many women find confidence and leadership to be very very hot. A man who knows what he wants and what he likes and goes after it is very sexy.

I bet Mr. SL feels the same way about women.

I love 'Kitchen Nightmares'. I do like Ramsey's strategy and his no nonsense approach. He cares about helping these people and knows what it takes to. I do find it sexy, too.

Good FOOD for thought, BR.

Confidence is something I'm regaining. I get a lot from overcoming these obstacles.

SL, I'm sorry that it appears your M isn't working towards what you need. Can't say I blame you either. YOU have done all you can. And you know from everything LA has told me and you've read, YOU CAN"T CHANGE ANYONE OTHER THAN YOU.

I am proud of your trying all that you can, I'm also proud of the fact you realize what you can and cannot live with or without. I know if your WH follows through on not wanting to recover your M, YOU and your son will make it! YOU will be strong, you've gained confidence.

SL you and your family remain in my prayers.

SL,


Now this,,,



Is a GREAT thing to hear!

Have a Goddess kind of day today! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />