SL,

I so Love reading posts from the Table dancing, high heel wearing, fun loving, let go of the resentment, Lighting Bolt Goddess you are these days!

Sounds like that Goddess is doing well for herself and for PWC, too!

Fabulous!

Ah, I hear you Mimi.

Now, about the shopping, we would have to take our DS, and that is VERY stressful, for the both of us. I'll ask him. Actually, as with the movies, I did leave it open, but I didn't express a desire to not do it without him. I'll be sure to let him know that.

Thanks for the refresher. Gaining perspective as I type. Independent behavior has been a major LB in our R, from both sides.

I could make it more palatable by throwing in the notion of doing something fun, as a family, after the shopping, so that we all come out smiling. Hmmm, brainstorming; can you smell the smoke?

Mini Golf? Arcade? Chunky cheese?

Bookstore? coffee and donuts? ice cream? BOardgame? Twister?

I DID smell the smoke ALL the way down HERE!!!

Let him know by NOT GOING WITHOUT HIM..ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS...cause he's going to model your actions and make plans to go out without you..NOT GOOD AT ALL in EARLY RECOVERY, IMO...

WE..just don't do it..

You are not a NORMAL, GARDEN-VARIETY MARRIED COUPLE...that would be DENIAL to see yourselves that way, IMO...

It's like a LUNG CANCER PATIENT after successful chemotherapy now taking a drag off of a cigarette..La de dah.."I'm cured now"...

I sent a reply, stating that I would love it if we could shop together, do a bit of what I need, look at what he's interested in, then go do something fun as a family.

I'll see what he says. Hopefully, he'll want to go. If he really prefers not to, I do need to get this shopping done now; the party that I want the dress for is the 14th, and since we will be decorating the tree and house one weekend, I will need to do this sooner.

I really am looking forward to shopping. I love trying on new shoes. I also look forward to seeing the more svelte body in a new dress. It's been so nice feeling good about my physique again. I'm excited to dress it up!

Try not to let him off the hook from going but don't beg him..it's a balancing act, I know....

Gives you a chance to practice POJA...

"Maybe you and (son) can do XYZ while I ABC"..I do so want YOU to be with ME tomorrow"

Or do you want him to be with you??

Oh, I do, yessiree.

It's personal recovery, NOT at the expense of Marital recovery. I still want my Husband.

In some instances, just for the ease of doing things, I like to shop alone (grocery, some clothing for DS, etc.), but for the most part, I like it to be with PWC. The trick now is to express that desire to him. I haven't really done that before, because we both took for granted that we each wanted to do what the other wanted. Not always true, which is where POJA comes in.

A


B


And B can not happen unless A does!

I am so proud of you and what you have done these past couple weeks.

Wow! Thank you Chrisner!!

Reading about your DD soon to be 20, and her struggles reminds me of myself, in many ways. I feel like she could be so much happier, if only....

If only she could have a firm boundary with her mother over all of this; be completely honest, in a non-venomous way, and then let her mother alone to figure it out.

Truth is, as long as WZ is with Gollum, DD soon to be 20 will always trigger, will always FEEL and see the destruction of her family. It's up to her to remove the triggers. She can still have a R with her mother, but there will be ground rules involving the safety of DD soon to be 20.

I really do feel for her. It just breaks my heart.

On the rare occasion we even mention her Mom, this is what I tell her. But I can really see how deep her anger is with her mother.

There is a 20 year old guy helping out as an assistant for her JV coaching gig. His mom had an affair and left to marry the OM when he was in the 5th grade. He has yet to re-establish a relationship with her. DD told him about WayZ's insistence that the divorce and the affair had nothing to do with each other. He laughed and said his mom said the exact same thing and still maintains that.

Sorry about the TJ.

I am glad you sound so much better.

Silent:

Your doing great!

LG

LG, thanks for popping in. I think the 2x4's finally rattled whatever was running loose in my noggin', put it in it's place.

I expect there will be more, but I'm feeling strangely fine.

In some instances, just for the ease of doing things, I like to shop alone (grocery, some clothing for DS, etc.), but for the most part, I like it to be with PWC. The trick now is to express that desire to him. I haven't really done that before, because we both took for granted that we each wanted to do what the other wanted. Not always true, which is where POJA comes in.

SL for us it just became habit. I don't even think we 'thought' about doing what the other did. We were married, supposedly happily, worked, did somethings together but not much, we didn't know better. One of us usually got 'stuck' doing the stuff the other really didn't want to alot of times just because of gender (me grocery shopping, him yard work). We took so much for granted. Honestly I don't even know that we existed in each others mind except when we wanted somthing from the other. SAD.

So let it be known YOU would like to spend time with him. Of course he still has his choice to do that or not. Hopefully he'll see the value of choosing your desire.

SL you're doing great keep up the good personal & M recovery.

mvg, except for grocery shopping, we did nearly ALL of our shopping together (also, except for some Christmas shopping or birthday stuff). We spent lots of time in the same space. Eventually, we spent time in the same space, just not REALLY together.

Saturday shopping was a bust; we had lunch together, and then went about shopping separately (he and DS, me and DRESSES). I ended up empty handed, and we really didn't spend any shopping time together. DS was getting really ragged and tired, and PWC was DONE. I ended up going out alone on Sunday for a couple of hours and finally did find a dress. Still need shoes.

Anyway, after our DS went to bed Saturday evening, PWC and I ended up talking for a few hours (from 10PM-~1AM), mostly about work, some anecdotal stuff. It was nice. He seemed really relaxed, and was talking up a storm. By 1AM, I had to tell him I was just dead tired and wanted to go to bed. He ended up walking to my brothers home (about 100ft) and hanging out with him. I went to bed. I was exhausted. I had a dream that we were cuddling, laughing. Felt a little gyped when I awoke alone at 4AM (he was asleep on the couch).

Sunday came and went without much ado. It's odd. When we have evenings like that (Saturday), I always feel a let down the next day, when there isn't OBVIOUS closeness between the two of us.

Little by little, I'm changing and feeling stronger, better, more hopeful.

My FIL called last night, out of the clear blue sky, and said that he'd like to take DS next Saturday afternoon and keep him overnight. Yet another chance to spend some time alone, doing something fun with PWC.

WONDERFUL NEWS!!!



But this CLOSENESS..is WONDERFUL!!

GREAT, GREAT NEWS!!!

Slowly..but surely...

It's like the tortoise and the hare. I need to BE the tortoise, not just ACT like it.

It really was wonderful to just blather on about our life. It FELT very good, intimate, close, like we KNEW eachother and didn't have much explaining to do. I caught myself peering at him thru my old lenses, like nothing happened to RUIN our connection, and I SAW my husband.

Silent:

LG>>>>> Standing and applauding!

(((S/L)))

LG

PS: Next time, tell your husband..."I'm more exciting than BIL...."

^ 5 SL you going to ask your PWC if he'd like to do something together?

Ok and a duh moment here...what is PWC?

Together and so alone. I feel for you SL. And I know exactly what you mean by the letdown. Definately rollercoasterish! After my H's and my talk the other night I felt so good. I was so happy. Seems he was sincere at the time....not so sure right now. Very confusing for us isn't it?

Hopefully you two will have a great coming Saturday!

Hey y'all! Thanks for the kudos; it helps me to know that I'm moving in the right direction.

mvg,

I'm going to ask him what he would like to do.

PWC stand for Poopsie Waffle Chunks; it's a name that I got from a thread here (have no idea where it got to). I can't even remember how to decode his name anymore. I think it was each letter of the alphabet was assigned a word. You used the first letter of his first, middle and last name to get the MB name for your spouse or yourself. It was really cute, but long gone. I'll see if I can dig it up somehow.

IMO, the things that my husband says, he means, but I don't know if he has the tools to implement them yet, or is willing to do it yet. Again, I try not to hinge my every mood on what PWC isn't doing for me. He does a lot, especially around the house; more than before this whole mess.

PWC talks about not FEELING it (love, want, whatever the subject at hand regarding me is), and if he doens't feel it, he can't DO it (make effort to be with me, fulfill certain needs--SF, RC). He hasn't said it outright, but I believe he doesn't believe in faking it til you make it. He believes either you feel it or you don't (his words). Now, one can only concur with those thought processes that this is DOOMED (his viewpoint IMO).

I don't see it that way. I see that he comes a bit closer with each permanent change, with each outward and consistent appearance of happiness, he gravitates closer. HE grows more comfortable.

I still feel sad about how far we've come in the past 7 months, but I'm not deterred by it. It's that old 'if only' thing. If only PWC would go through the motions of fulfilling my highest EN's; if only he would open up and let me know what he feels his top EN's are right now. If only, if only, if only....

Well, it is what it is (as my boss would say), so I'm dealing with what IS today, not what was or some intangible future. I believe that PWC does love me. Do I want for more? Of course. Am I being greedy with what I want from my M? Hardly. If I could have one wish granted, it would be that PWC would put his arms around me, all on his own, not because I need it, but because HE needs it. Boy, that would be a doozy! Lot's of work to do, we have (channeling Yoda).