AND maybe the surgery is all part of your MARRIAGE JOURNEY somehow, offering practice on reaching out to your H for help and him being able to NURTURE you...an IMPORTANT STEP in a marriage...

Mimi, I thought about that. I will definitely need to lean on him at this time. I am going to talk to him about his fears, too. It's important that we are both ready, and that I hear him.

At this point, this is not optional, it's necessary, but that doesn't mean we don't have any other choices. WE could get more help, during the recovery period, so that he is not overwhelmed.

This is a very big thing, right now. Could get really interesting.

Even if I have to go to the party alone, I promise you guys that I will have fun. I am holding out hope that my DS will feel better this evening, and me AND PWC will get a chance to cut loose. Cross your fingers, folks!

It's HIS JOB as YOUR HUSBAND to take care of YOU and HIS FAMILY. If you are in this as his wife, it is OK for you to speak to this need of yours. DON'T HOLD BACK. I expect that he wants you TO ASK FOR HIS HELP and for you to HAVE CONFIDENCE that he can step up to the plate. Why couldn't he? Are you seeing him as incapable of being the MAN OF THE FAMILY? "IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH"....

SL:

I'm sorry to hear about your surgery. As mimi said, it could really be a time for him to do the nurturing thing and gain some fresh feelings and perspectives about what you mean to each other.

I had to have one of my wisedom tooth pulled out surgically couple of months after Dday while H was still in deep withdrawal from the OW. He came with me and provided a lot of comfort to me during that time. And I think that experience gave him some fresh thoughts and feelings about who he really cared about. We felt much closer to each other after that experience.

I'm praying that your DS gets better this afternoon so you two can go to the party together.
But even if you have to go yourself, try to enjoy yourself and have fun, ok?

LovingAlong

I don't see it any other way, as long as we are married, I am his wife.

This is why I want to have a talk with him about all of this, to explain the procedure, what post-op care and recovery looks like. This will inform him of the logistics, and give me a chance to ask for his help.

I KNOW he can be the man of this family; he has shown me that over the past seven months, more in the last month than ever. He IS the man to step up. He will, I know it. I just want him to be able to express his fears at a time that is SAFE, prior to the surgery.

I have confidence that he will take good care of his family.

I'm sorry that I put it that way, SL.

I didn't mean it in a negative sense.

I ADMIRE you and think that you are doing GREAT!

I'm so sorry to hear about your surgery but I have FAITH that in the long run it will be to the GOOD for YOU and for YOUR MARRIAGE.

(((((SL)))))

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

It's okay, Mimi, I understand.

To be honest, with all my anger and resentment, I HAD been treating PWC as a second class citizen at home, and you caught that early on, and pressed me for the months to come. I get it NOW. I also treated the situation like I could just cut out at any moment, when I got angry enough. That was not the way to approach recovery. I get it NOW.

You have been there, reading me this whole time, so it stands to reason that in a time of GREAT PRESSURE, you might give me a nudge to check my state of mind.

Don't be sorry, no need.

Hey Gorgeous!

Just wanted to pop in and let you know that I am thinking of you.

Surgery is scary - but look at all the different possible benefits. Free of physical pain - increased mobility - reduction of the fear of how much worse it could get in the future - opportunity for PWC to step up in your time of need - the opportunity for you to see it and recognize it when he does. Make your own list, it may help!

Yup, you have reason to be concerned. I don't want to down play that. But be sure to temper the fear with anticipation of improvement.

Maybe make a list of your fears - do what you can do to alleviate each item. Then make a list of the good things you can look forward too - and focus on those and how to make them become a reality.

Love ya, Miss Lucidity! Have a great time at the party and I hope DS feels better soon!

Fox

Had a not so great evening. I was thinking about the surgery. I was thinking about my H. I was thinking about the holidays, and putting it all together in a knot, looking for the positives.

AT first, I was grateful for all that I have, then the darkness descended. I can't really pinpoint ONE thing that is bothering me. I became weepy. It was odd to feel this way, considering all that I have accomplished in the last month. It was FOREIGN to me.

I didn't feel like doing anything, and I could feel ANGER when thinking or looking on PWC. Then I would feel sadness, looking at how far we HAVE NOT come. I feel a sense of loss right now, and I can't pinpoint it. I'm disappointed, not in any one thing or person (maybe myself?).

I am still struggling with the lack of touch, affection, and SF. There is absolutely NONE coming from him. I hate focusing on this, so it's something I work on daily. I give what I can, but I'm stuck. I don't know what else to do . This just doesn't seem anywhere even remotely close to normal. Maybe I'm just supposed to keep on keepin on.

Well, it's obvious that this is not my problem, but something going on with PWC. He doesn't talk about it, won't address his issues, especially with me. I'm ALL about addressing MY issues now. I don't see the point in keeping it all in. Meh, that's just me, though.

I have spoken with PWC on the subject of affections, and don't feel that continually bringing this up is helpful. I trust that he's heard me; I'm just concerened; I don't feel very close to him, and worry for our future together.

Why the lack of trust on his part; not opening up to me? Could be the ANGER that he has witnessed keeps him at bay. I'm trying to figure it out, and I don't know what to do. I continue to suggest counseling (not nagging, just now and then--maybe 4-5 times since he's been home). It's really something that PWC has to deal with. This is not my struggle, it just affects me.

Today is a new day, hopefully I can take these lemons and make me some lemonade.

This is me venting.

(((((SL))))

You have alot going on right now with the holidays and everything else...

I got the sugar if you need it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

ANd thank you very much for yesterday...it's still hard to be honest with myself at times!

I think your response is NORMAL and EXPECTED. You are not getting your LOVE BANK filled and it can be getting close to empty. What a woman typically needs most is to FEEL LOVED which includes AFFECTION and you are not getting ANY of that.

I usually try to reserve most of my AMATEUR communications to situations that I can relate to...I can't relate to your H's physical avoidance of you..You know my H and the SF..talked about a lot around here in the recent past.

I'll throw out though that it seems to me that you need to talk to him about this directly. "What are you doing about SF?"; "What do you expect me to do?". There's nothing WRONG with the EXPECTATION for him to be PHYSICAL with you...IMO...just starting with SIMPLE TOUCHING....

But maybe you should speak to Jennifer about this...

I agree with you. I don't think this is NORMAL...or EXPECTED for you to continue like this without some ACTION...

THE GOOD NEWS is that YOU can take care of yourself around this issue..you have the SKILLS and COURAGE..COURAGE..to speak out..RIGHT?

Silent:

One caution....

IF PWC is withholding Affection right NOW, than your surgery and your needs during that time, and then recuperation, relaxation, etc., may result in alot of hurt feelings and resentment on your part.

I would delay the surgery for a little while longer. Month or two.

You can NOT delay it until PWC fully turns around. Your pain is greater than that.

PWC MAY respond to your needs NOW and move up that caring for you ladder.

I beleive that DS will be well tended by PWC. The house too. But you might not feel as coddled as you would like.

You don't now, and if you are in the bed recuperating, than he certainly needs to STEP UP alot.

Just a slight caution.

If the roles were reversed, your inner Florence Nightngale would come out, and PWC would be covered in the care. But they are not.

Please be careful with this...

Otherwise, what are you planning for the rest of the week? Is PWC going to the Goddess Ball with you?

What have you planned, if anything, to spend alone time with PWC?

LG

LG:

Could you speak directly about the SF issue?

What do you think is going on with PWC?

Hi SL. I wish I had some great words of wisdom to impart but as usual that well is dry. The best I can offer is my support and thoughts. Take care of yourself.

{{{{SL}}}}

Mimi, I have been feeling a bit stressed over all of the logistics of preparing for this surgery. Lots of calls to make to the hospital, and to the docs and visits to take care of. I know that the stress of that is rolling over into everything else.

As for the lack of affection/SF, this has been 6 months now, and I have actually SAID just about all I can about it. I guess I could try to find another way to express the same thing.

LG, I won't be putting off the surgery. It has already been 4 months since the onset of the pain; I don't want to wait any longer. As far as the docs are concerned, they want it done sooner than later, for many reasons, one being that further damage to my spinal column could be permanent and could result in paralysis. THAT got my attention. I'm not comfortable putting this off.

So, I guess ye ole love bank is running low. Honestly, I don't think there is much more to say about it to PWC. HE knows what I need; I've been honest with him. I've also tried kissin and huggin him. It's just not happenin. This may just be a lost cause. I really don't know. I do know that I'm beginning to not care, which is NOT GOOD.

Even when I tell him things like this, he has not much to say. I don't understand what the point of him sleeping in the same bed as me, if he doesn't want me. I'm really just growing tired of trying FOR us anymore.

This could be temporary, and I could rebound again, feel better, stronger, but, honestly, how many times do I need to be given the same message to get it?

I don't want to down play the things that PWC does FOR me and around the house. That wouldn't be nice or fair. I do want to say that much of this I have and could do on my own. Is that fair? Nope, but life isn't. I want a mate, not a roommate. It's just not enough for me, especially considering the damage in our M, that is not healed, between the TWO of us, not just me. Either I will grow tired and D, or he will have another A, and/or D me.

I can't imagine that his love bank is FULL, considering how much he talked about SF and recreational time before the A's.

I've been working on the RC, but it's either too late, or not enough.

I think it's time to have one more chat about all of this, and either figure out a path to a cure, or make some hard decisions.

I'm willing to go the two years to get to a better place, it just seems feudal with an unwilling partner. Like a waste of time, MY TIME.

(((SL))) I'm sorry you're feeling so frustrated. I hope you didn't catch that from me...you're saying the same things I was last week (and could this week) because nothing has changed.

I know a very wise person <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> last week kept after me to focus on ME and WHAT I could do and to live in the NOW. I'm ducking now so you don't wack me on the head! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I don't have any words to offer other than I feel your frustration and pray that you H will 'GET IT' sooner than later. (((SL thoughts & prayers coming your way)))

mvg,
Thanks lady. No need to duck, I hear you.

What frightens me is I'm less frustrated than, gosh, how do I say this, DONE with trying. I think the surgery is part of it. I have total faith in PWC taking care of the house and DS, keeping him occupied so that I don't have to be up and down with him. I even have faith that he will act in a compassionate manner after the surgery. I don't have faith that he will put much effort into caring for me on a more personal.

Let's be for real here, the man doesn't touch me. How much love can he show me. I'm not even talking about SEX here, folks, just human touch. There's something wrong with that, isn't there?

And the answer to the question of whether he's in contact that is asked when I state this stuff is, as far as I know. I've asked him point blank and he's said NO CONTACT. THis doesn't mean, however, that he is not turning his attention to yet another woman. I've asked that, too, and he's said NO!

It just doesn't make much sense to me.

I remember that, SL, when I thought we were working on recovery way back when. No touching, and how frustrating it is.

It's something about him. Something that he needs to work through. I wish he would do it faster, or see someone to help him with it, or at least recognize what it's doing to you.

(((SL)))

hey guy,

yeah, it seems like something broken inside him. Not anything that I can fix. I could be sugar coated niceness, bending over backwards, and I still don't believe he would give this much of himself. He turns to NO ONE. And yes, unfortunately, his inaction does affect our M, me.

Maybe we were brought back together so that I could get to a place of doneness, let him go. I just don't see the point in that. I don't necessarily believe in everything happening for a reason, but I do believe in making the best of things when you come across a challenge; learning, applying the new stuff and being better. I believe in everything happening to help us learn, dig deeper.

AGREED. I'm loving your sense of PERSONAL POWER now.

6 months is long enough I think..if there has been no contact.

Tell him...that you're not asking for "THUG LOVIN" ( I just listened to that during my workout- <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />). You're asking for a SIMPLE TOUCH....I even TOUCH my acquaintances...

You can say this without lovebusting...

Don't make it about HIM and HIS ISSUES..who knows what those are...

Now it's time to SPEAK YOUR OWN TRUTH...

This is about YOU and what YOU NEED at this point...