S/L:

IT's about TIME.

It's about TOUCH.

Don't EVER walk around with him without holding his hand.

EVER.

Anyone else reading this, DO THE SAME THING.

Will it be comfortable? Not at FIRST.

But if you EVER want to get to returned kisses and hugs, than hand holding is the place to start....

Check out OC before June 1st. Since the kids get out of school after that, the rates go up. The three of you can walk on the beach, and hang at the pool, if the ocean is too cold. A Saturday night in OC with meals, might run $300-350 bucks. Try the Holiday Inn at 1701 Baltimore Ave. I had to stay there for a conference and it was really nice. If you want to be funky, (Easy in OC) try one of the travel lodges, the rates are less, but the rooms are clean.

Hold his hand when ever you exit the house and are walking someplace.

Flamingo has had a number of people come up to her and tell her that they saw us holding hands, when they were driving by, and that they wished thier Husbands would do that with them. So, you get to start. If need be, at first, tell him it's so that your back feels more stable when you walk with him this way. Fake it till you make it, right?

Cards are fun too. You can invite some frinds, put DS to bed and play cards and socialize for several hours. We did that this weekend, and had a great time. Although I can't BUY a winning hand....

LG

I know, right!

I have had such a hard time dealing with the resentment, that I couldn't even go thru some of the most needed motions. I always recognized that I was part of the problem, it was just so hard to give give give without much reception. I'm getting that I was not consistent, and this has hurt us. It's time to get back on task with the game plan.

PWC likes to play GIN, and kicks my patoot every time. We had a running game on our honeymoon, and he buried me deeper every day.

I'm glad I looked and listened to Dr. Harley's video today...'cause I was thinking it was me. He said 2 YEARS..2 YEARS for RECOVERY...

SL, 7 months is not long at all in MBer's terms. My H was still FOGGY after a YEAR!



This certainly WAS NOT true for US. Yes, we're GREAT at the SF but I failed to tell you that we NEVER and still don't do it in MOTELS or HOTELS..still a TRIGGER for my H.

We were the WALKING WOUNDED for MONTHS and MONTHS!!



Yep..that was basically true for ME but I've always been the ACTIVITIES DIRECTOR (General Mimi) in the family. But, you know what my H LOVES THE BEST? He loves hanging around JUST WITH ME..at home..SHOULDER to SHOULDER BUDDIES..me looking at TV with him..sitting on the couch...

I recommend you learning to play VIDEO GAMES with him...

ROMANTIC TRIPS are GREAT but I recommend starting SIMPLE..just you and him..HOME ALONE...

And I agree with LG on the HOLDING HANDS. I HONESTLY did not know how important that simple thing is to my H until his AFFAIR. Sad to say...

NOW there's always a KISS GOODBYE and a KISS HELLO..I LOVE YOU when hanging up on the phone..and HOLDING HANDS when walking...ALMOST ALWAYS...and this just started since the AFFAIR...

And it's been FOUR YEARS and IMO, that's only a short period of time in MBer's RECOVERY YEARS...

Funny, we used to play adventure games, like Tomb Raider, together on the video games. I like to solve the puzzles. When MYST came out for PC(any of y'all remember that one)we played that together.

I'm not really looking for romantic trips, just decompression, so that IF we feel it, we can be romantic and more spontaneous.

The walking wounded is definitely a good descriptive of how I feel, and how I SEE PWC.

I don't think I've done anything even close to as challenging as marital recovery EVER. It has challenged my EVERYTHING.

Well, there you go..YOU definitely must give this a PRIORITY...



It's the HARDEST thing I've ever done, too, SL...and I've been through and seen alot in my life. Our RECOVERY is nothing but a MIRACLE as Dr. Harley states.

S/L

This stuff takes time!

I wanted to talk about this:


Pull out the cards, call him in, and play cards. Tonight.

Turn off the TV.

He might continue to kick your patoot.

So be it.

But it shows him that he can still beat Ms Perfect at someting. (Why you don't want to play, to get your patoot beat)

And you get to look into his eyes across from you.

And you get to touch him, while you deal, or hand him the cards, or reach to drink from his glass, etc....

ANd he can give you hints how to get better......

And you can smile at him....

And you can smile at him....

We so lose this when we turn on the TV.

We could be shoulder to shoulder, but we are lost in our own thoughts, even on the couch. So, in the beginning of recovery, try the playing cards.

Maybe not GIN, but the two of you try to learn a NEW game. Spite and Malice, Cribbage, etc. There are many two handed card games.

You can play Crazy 8's or go fish or Old Maid with the kid, and then segue into GIN with PWC when the kid is sleeping. Let HIM put DS to bed, that way the TV doesn't get turned on, and its easier to start the GIN Game.

Strip Poker can work too.... Well maybe AFTER your back is better....

And you could smile at him....

You note that Marital Recovery is HARD.

Yes, it is. Because Marital Recovery is trying to get the marriage right. On the fly, with the engine running.....With nothing but bad mechanics offering advice.....(non MB'ers!)

May you win a hand!

LG

Well, last night was a wash, in terms of card play, but it's not any doing of PWC. I was extremely tired, partly because my DS was home from school, partly because we went out on a short errand, so I was driving, and part because I am still recovering. I get tired much more easily these day. I'm off the meds, so that's good, but the pain builds throughout the day, and it tires me out.

WE did laze around in bed together; we watched Top Gear, which we both love, and talked about it. We talk pretty easily these days, probably partly due to the fact that I'm not so dang PRICKLY all the time, so bunged up, and angry.

HE initiates small conversations all of the time; I feel he's different, and it SEEMS like he's reaching out, so I reach right back. I'm more affectionate, kissing or touching him regularly. He's not initiating, but I've only just begun to ACT like myself again.

I think this surgery has clued me into a lot about myself, and loosened me up quite a bit, emotionally (not physically, unfortunately for now).

With my B-day close at hand, I may try to plan some alone time this weekend, just to have some dinner and hang out. I THINK I can handle that.

Change this to I WILL PLAN SOME ALONE TIME THIS WEEKEND!! This is ESSENTIAL, SL? Why are you RELUCTANT to do this?

Funny thing, after I submitted that post, I realized how flimsy the I THINK statment is. I'm not reluctant. I'm still learning to ditch my old phraseology to match my forward thinking.

I will plan some alone time this weekend.

GREAT! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I'm naming myself CAPTAIN of your CHEERING SQUAD!!

Well, ladies and gents, I have been cleared to go back to work. IT's been three weeks and four days since my surgery, and doc says I'm doing remarkably well. I'll probably resume light duty at first. Right now, if I'm up and going for more than four hours, I get tired, so the first two weeks back are going to be interesting.

PErsonal recovery is going well, and marital recovery is moving in a forward direction. STill no SF, but lots more conversation (a top need of mine) and bits more of the affection. Every day, I notice something different, positive, so I'm pleased with that.

Outstanding News SL!!

Maybe I can send DD20 to do some PT with you. My boys won't miss her.

^5 SL! You have really healed well!

I'm so glad you are recognizing progress as big or as small as it may be. Great things are coming for you...I can just feel it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Be TACTFUL in your DVD SELECTION at night... ROMANTICALLY RATED R...!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

And what about those 15 HOURS????

I'm playing BIG SISTER as usual...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

We are spending the 15 hours together, but I would prefer some of them to be outside the home, so I have a girl from work in place for occassional help; she is willing to take son overnight, but, for some reason, I'm not comfortable with that yet. I can't explain it, but I'm trusting my instincts. I dont' think SHE would hurt him, but will leave it at this, I'm UNSURE of some of the people in her life. 'nough said.

I still have my dad, who is more than willing to help, but he's got sciatica, and it has laid him up for the last week.

Also, my boss has said that she would take him overnight, but I have to work that out with her schedule, as she is a very busy lady (and sits for others at work, too). Ooo, Ooo and my girlfriend that lives close by has offered to take DS for a couple of hours here and there, so I'll be taking her up on that.

I'm getting there. The way I see it, we're talking more, staying up late together, touching more and I feel relaxed, and PWC is more relaxed around me, even seeks me out. Things are moving in the right direction.

I HAVE A DIRTY MIND... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Me, too, Mimi, me too...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

That's great news, SL. I'm so glad that PWC is showing care for you again.

Hope work is going well and is not tiring you too much.

You have many small victories to be thankful for.

Thank you for sharing your journey with us. I have learned many things from you.

Fox

Wow, Foxy, thank you. If I help anybody, then it's a happy accident, and I'm grateful for it.

THis whole process can be heart wrenching, painful, joyful, up and down, and it's reassuring to know that I'm not alone.

I still deal with impatience, on thinking that I deserve more NOW. My pride can lead to great anger, so I'm working on humility. It's a constant job.

When I focus on what PWC hasn't or isn't doing, I step backwards, and that is no good for me. I have many small victories that I wasn't even giving any credence to. PWC has made changes, and does show me care and respect. I want more, and will continue to do my part to gain the intimacy that I long for.

We'll get there.

today, I'm a bit melancholy. Part of it is the boards, the drama, the sadness, part of it is physical--THAT time of the month. I recognize it now, and find positive things to counteract my duldrums, so I have learned quite a bit myself.

S/L:

I called out Bugsy and LilSis yesterday, becasue they hadn't been around. You hadn't posted on your thread, but I saw you in other threads.

Glad to see that things are getting SO MUCH better for you.

I noticed your listing about people watching DS OVERNIGHT? WOW! That's asking ALOT.

I go for 6pm to 10:30 PM. And bring him home. You can do alot inbetween.

And you never have to leave the house....

LG