Hello ladies, mvg, Chai and Still.

Thanks for stopping by.

It's been an interesting ride, to say the least. I hope that things will get better in my M. That would be nice. I do what I can, but it takes two, so we'll see.

For now, the focus is on me. I have some physical healing that still has to take place, so I am focused on that, my general health is of great importance to me.

Personal recovery reall is a great gig. Sometimes it does feel bad before it feels good again, but that's the nature of examining things.

SL - I was wondering if you have read an of David Scnarch's stuff? He has done a lot of work on bringing the passion and intimacy back to the marriage, and why men lack desire. And he gives steps to take, instead of just explaining the problem.

SL,

Another thing i wanted to mention is something that Snow has mentioned before on mvg's thread.

And the reason i am brining this up is because my FWH just mentioned it over the weekend.

He says that he is recovering from his infidelity as well as me. That he feels SOOOOOOOO guilty for what he did to me and his family and that it bothers him everyday but that he feels like he is also starting to recover.

Maybe (jusy maybe) that is part of PWCs problem too. Right now due to your health issues he may be worried that he will hurt you (physically) too. And i know that you want intimacy not just sex but maybe the just "sex" is where you have to start. I dunno just a thought.

Believer, thanks for the information. Sounds like an interesting read. I'll look into it.

SC,
I have often wondered if PWC IS actually recovering. I think it takes a great deal of effort to personally recover, and I haven't seen many OUTWARD signs of him recovering. I see outward signs of avoidance. NONE of our basic problems have really been solved. Communication being one of them. I'm more and more baffled by him as the days go by.

I would start from JUST SEX, if PWC had any interest; I have been told that he is just not attracted to me. That's it. His actions also suggest that he is avoiding the bedroom (or whatever room), and avoiding US in general.

To be honest, I'm tired of focusing on him. I think my lovebank has been overdrafted so many times now, that the account is close to being closed. I'm just being honest about how I feel today. Who knows, PWC may feel the same. HE may feel that my giving is just too much for him. He MAY not want this marriage and is just too chicken to end it himself. HE may be dependent on me. HE may be depressed. He may be whatever. I can't go on trying to fix fix fix. I can't fix HIM. HE has to have a desire to get in the game.

I am interested in the reading that Believer brought up, though. It couldn't hurt to have more knowledge.

Well i agree with you whole heartedly and i am sorry that you find yourself feeling this way. He does have to do something to make you feel like your effort is worth it.

I do not think that i would have been able to stand things as long as you have under the circumstances (meaning it is hard enough to deal with an A let alone anything else too).

Just keep moving along in your personal recovery and you will come out a better person no matter what.

Quick stop by....wishing you a wonderful day!

Me too SL. Hope your day is a good one. You are in my thoughts. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

You haven't mentioned about the ALANON Meeting. How did it go?

Good morning ladies!

Schools closed for the primaries, so I'm home today with my son. Going to head out to breakfast with my dad in about an hour (sort of brunch, really), and then to Target to pick up some valentines for DS's class. Then I have one of two options that I've made for myself. I'll either laze around, or I'll do some painting in my bedroom; the baseboards aren't done.

Did you notice my post about the Alanon meeting?

Hi SL,

Been following your thread....I think you are doing great considering the challenge at hand!

Like Mimi...I would be interested in hearing about the Alanon meeting if you attended it.

I never met WS's father....he passed away when WS was in his 20s...but the discussion here made me realize that in the family...it is a known fact that FIL was an alcoholic....that would make WS an ACOA!

...I now wonder, like you, if it would be helpful to my two boys...who will continue to have a R with WS....if I LEARNED more about the effects of alcoholism in a family.... if I remember correctly, BR has said that alcoholism affected her whole FOO, even though no one was drinking!

Thanks.

Me being ACOA certainly affected my parenting..continues to affect my parenting..in a NEGATIVE sense..that's why I get so sensitive to criticism about my parenting, fearful of how I may have harmed my children..and working daily on trying to repair any harm that I may have done...

Sorry, Mimi, I missed your post. Looks like we simulposted, then I was on to breakfasty things.

I missed the Alanon meeting Sunday, and immediately found another meeting for today, since I knew I would be home with DS. I will be attending another open meeting in about 2 hours, actually. I set it up with my Dad, so that I could go. Since then, I have joined a chat group, and it has been eye opening; just in the interim, it has helped just to talk to someone who gets it, and there are MANY someones online.

I live in a world of confusion, really, that much is clear.
No matter what, my son is affected , by my H and by me. I can at least do something about me.

I elaborated to my dad about the sitch today. He is just heartbroken for me. He can't believe that I'm still here. Honestly, there are days when I can't believe I'm still here, and still want to RUN from this. It's overwhelming to find that there is MORE that I have to learn to cope with. It is what it is, though. I could focus on self pity, or focus on me. This has been a rough couple of days waiting for the next meeting. I'm glad it's almost here.

I feel very alone in this most of the time.

(((((((((SL))))))))))))))

I fear harming my son more than anything else Mimi. I know some damage is done. I don't mean anything about perfection, but about REAL harm; things that affect how he copes.

Hi SL, I have similar concerns....I don't know if you missed my post.... but I also would like to learn about tools to better help my boys.... I hadn't thought of it, I would not say WS is an alcoholic (probably could be though...) but he is definitely a ACOA... it is a known fact that FIL was an alcoholic!

SL...can we feel...alone...together?

(((((((((((((((((((((SL)))))))))))))))))))

HI Luna!

We certainly can feel together, but not alone. I'm not alone, but it FEELS like that sometimes.

Most days, I still shake my head in disbelief that this is where we are. PWC is home, sure. I held on to that little nugget for so long. It took this long just to SEE the situation as it is.

I keep asking myself if I'm doing enough. I doubt what I have done, because it seems as if my actions have bore very little fruit. I'm tired of the confusion. I'm tired of thinking that I haven't done enough. WHen I review the efforts I have made, it boggles my mind that I would think I haven't done enough, but that nagging little doubt still sits there. My biggest worry is how separation and divorce would affect my son, and that keeps me trying. I almost feel as if Alanon is my last hope to at least find peace in my decisions.

Sorry for the threadjacking, SL....

...but I wanted to ask Mimi if it was difficult to face being an ACOA (maybe just to avoid having to face how it affects one's parenting skills)... and I guess it's pointless to educate a WS about that, isn't it? ...but...I can certainly educate myself on the subject, like SL.... I know for a fact the boys have difficulty with their R with WS....particularly DS17!

All of this stuff is DIFFICULT to FACE..but I think with the ACCEPTANCE comes the HEALING..

The most DANGER is in the DENIAL...

IMO, SL, you are definitely ACOA..and ALANON will work well for YOU...You will find YOURSELF in any book you dare to read on ACOA, SL..LIGHTBULBS will START FLASHING for YOU...

SL, your boy is soo young and most probably will do JUST FINE once you become more educated on the psychological effects of growing up in an alcoholic family...

((((LUNA)))) Your H's relationship with his children is HIS STUFF. The thing for YOU to do is to BE THE BEST MOTHER THAT YOU CAN BE..let them work out THEIR RELATIONSHIP..that has worked BEST for my boys in terms of their relationship with their Dad..for ME to step out of it..part of MY ACOA JUNK was trying to FIX and TO BE IN CONTROL of EVERYTHING...what I learned as a child, the MYTH that I could CONTROL the UNCONTROLLABLE, tie up everthing into pretty little packages and make everyone happy. Instead, I often made a BIG MESS....YUCK...

Back from the meeting. I feel better. It was an open meeting. They opened with the Serenity prayer, then discussed their purpose and then discussed the twelve steps. The group leader then began discussing step one, and actually talked about her struggle with this step, even though she's already worked all 12, with a firm grasp. She talked about being POWERLESS over helping others. For example, someone comes to her expressing how they feel unworthy, and her compulsion is to immediately tell them they are worthy, instead of telling them that she hears that they feel unworthy; just acknowledging the pain and validating them. She still has the compulsion to FIX.

I just introduced myself, didn't talk (which is actually a big surprise). I was given a list of local meetings, some key people and phone numbers. THere were a lot of ladies there, and many were very open to sharing what trouble they have with this step. It's not like you work one step and your DONE. You work them but come back to the ones that affect your life in that space-time. Different situations call for different focus and strengths and work on weaknesses. BOUNDARIES came up, but only briefly. Feeling the fear and doing it anyway, came up also

I actually felt prepared to hear what was said. I felt I had a good knowledge base for hearing them, and taking it all in.

Then they closed the meeting and talked about returning next week. I may not return, since the meeting seems a bit more loose than a closed meeting. I need the steps and a bit more intimacy. The open meetings are also for education purposes, so they cannot delve as deeply as I need.

Anyway, that probably bored many of you, but it is what it is. I just felt good having gone to the meeting.

Mimi, LIGHTBULBS is right!