That is the best way to empower your son against any challenges he may face, IMO.

Children learn best by example.

((((SL)))))

You are quite obviously a strong, caring, intelligent person.

Do you think your son sees the relationship between dad being dark and then lighting up "after a few"?

NOPE! His dad is always LIGHTS ON with him. It's when dealing with me that the lights go out. Maybe DS sees this interaction. My fear is that DS is learning that moms and dads act like that together, later interpreting it as MARRIAGE is like that.

I'm loving and affectionate with my son; PWC is loving and affectionate with son. Mom and dad don't have that love and affection. Even if I show it, PWC's response is OBVIOUS. I'm sure DS sees the dynamic; one I never wanted to perpetuate, but has happened none the less.

Froz, thank you for seeing things in me that I sometimes doubt. I am very strong, this I do know. Caring, I certainly hope so. I do my best, and try not to qualify that with "under the circumstances". I just do my best.

DS seems really happy, contented. Sometimes I can tell that he seems unsure about his safety, not physically, as much as emotionally. He can be very sensitive and show emotion, but he doesn't always elaborate on why he's showing this. If he's angry, he'll tell me and he'll tell me why. If he's sad, he won't always tell me, or he seems confused by it himself, and just says he doesn't know.

Focus is on me, firmly now, more than ever before.

...as an aside, I had parent/teacher conference meeting with kindergarten teacher, and she just l-l-l-l-l-looooves my DS. She says he's very imaginative and lively, very keen. He's reading at the first grade level now and knows all sight words. She says he remembers a lot of people and their names; for instance, he remembers the crossing guards name, whom he's met maybe once. HE says hello to him when he passes him in the hall.

What a great kid I have. I'm sometimes humbled by him, he's so open and loving. I'm a lucky dog.

Froz, thank you for seeing things in me that I sometimes doubt. I am very strong, this I do know. Caring, I certainly hope so. I do my best, and try not to qualify that with "under the circumstances". I just do my best.

SL doing your best with what you have today is all anyone can do. You ARE growing in knowing that you NEED to know and learn more to operate in a more positive way, for you, your DS, and your PWC. I have faith you'll accomplish ANYTHING you put your mind to!

As always in my prayers!

Thanks mvg!

I actually feel a bit better with each day knowing that there is information and there are people out there that can help me.

For a long time now, I've felt at a loss, trying and trying, changing and seeing such small returns that I would lose all hope. I'd keep changing and keep trying, following MB principles, looking inward. I've done a great deal of changing, lately, for me, and for my happiness and health. Still, no changes in the M, in our intimacy.

Now that I've had time to heal and regain strength, I see more clearly. I need help to figure this all out that goes beyond the scope of MB. I'm happy to get it, too. It's a relief to have some sort of answer, some sort of program, a book, a plan, a way out of this constant misery.

It's so strange; during the week, he doesn't drink at all. HE tries to engage in conversation and BE there somewhat (even though it feels laden with guilt). Then the weekend comes and I know exactly what's on the agenda. Have some drinks and get to playing games or hanging out with my brother. Of course, *I'm* the one who chooses not to join in. But now I know why I do what I do.

I like to have a drink now and then, a glass of wine or two, out at dinner, relaxing watching a sunset or movie. Other than that, it has begun to turn me off, especially when my two drinks are matched and then multiplied, and THEN PWC opens up, but still keeps himself buried behind it. I even have a hard time describing WHY this bothers me so much. I just feel LOSS, and even that doesn't describe the pain. I'm bewildered by what we have become together. It's sad.

I'm sad that it has taken the affairs and my personal recovery to open my eyes, but I'm grateful that there if help for me.

Silent:

I can't stay long, but I hope you get the help your looking for.

Your not broken much. OK?

But you have been living in a weird life for many years.

Stepping away from it will give you much better clarity.

Much is on PWC now. He is continuing to make bad choices. In spite of all the things that he has learned.

But you can, and WILL grow stronger.

(((S/L)))

LG

I don't believe that either, LG. I do believe that I could be better, considering what I have been living in for some time now. I don't feel SICK. I feel confused, and anger still creeps in.

As for codependent, I have slowly been learning and applying how to break the behavior from my side. It's been a struggle, and very enlightening.

Thanks for dropping by, have a great evening!

Hello silentlucidity,
I am new here as I am a WS trying to work on things with my BS who refuses to read Love Busters so we can work on things. My Wayward ways are done and were VERY short lived. Thank god. I am reading "Surviving an affair" and trying to move on. Anyway....the reason I am writing you is because of your screen name!!! That doesn't happen to be a song you like does it? Because that is my favorite (WAS now that Chris is gone) band! My screen name is from my favorite song.
Haven't read much of your posts. I was just curious about your name. Hope I am correct.
I love this site now and listen to the radio shows everyday. I only hope the other WS is doing the same.
Take care!

SL during my H's more extreme drinking times that is when he would open up too. I HATED it, I DREADED it but I knew it was coming and couldn't avoid it. There was an issue a BIG issue for me that he would only talk about when he was intoxicated. We could never agree and even tho he said he understood my position he would harp and harp and lay on the guilt till I gave in. Then that caused me to feel horrible and resentful.

I did NOT try Al-anon however if the drinking becomes excessive and the issue comes up again I'll have to find the courage to go! I will NOT go thru the guilt and then the hating him.

Find yourself a group! Continue to grow, and know you're in my prayers!

Hi air2me,

My screenname did come from the song "Silent Lucidity" by Queensryche . It seemed an appropriate name when I entered Plan B, so I changed it then. Prior to that, my screenname was tempinsanity, which pretty much explains itself. Keep up the work!

Hi mvg, my early morning rising friend!

I got to see a most beautiful sunrise this morning. The sun was a glowing red orb and HUGE sitting low in the sky. It was obscured by the clouds, but I caught a glimpse and it took my breath away.

As for the drinking; PWC loosens up, and then starts talking, seeking me out, only when he's alone, though. If ANYBODY else is there, I'm nonexistent. That's what causes such inner turmoil for me. He doesn't seem to want to be near me UNLESS he's tipsy AND alone. It's as if I'm his fall back if nothing else is happenin. YUCK!

When he isn't drinking, he still talks to me, don't get me wrong, but it's different, much more subdued. Like I've said before, he seems to treat me like he would a coworker or friend (most of his friends aren't that CLOSE to him either--which may be typical of men, may not???)

Anyway, I'm not sure where all this will take me. I can't see accepting our marriage as it is now. Even if I can manage to heal and find better ways of living, thinking, relating, etc., that doesn't translate to PWC changing himself, really opening up. I don't know if I can live with someone as their bud/pal/fairweather friend. I'm trying not to think about the future right now, unless it's within a weeks time.

Good morning, gorgeous!




So.....what's on the agenda for the week?

What is your plan to stop the stagnancy? While I certainly think you need to take your time to make decisions, gather all the information you can so you are informed, I also think you have to be careful not to let days turn into weeks turn into months turn into years.

Time passes so quickly.

You are not happy, SL. What will it take for you to be happy? There isn't only one answer....think of all the different ways you could become happy.

Now.....how do you get there? Again...many options. What will work for you and DS?

What can you do this week that will help you get to a decision?

If a week is too much, what about a day? What can you do today that can give you a few moments of happiness, if not the whole day of happiness?

Thinking of you, SL

Fox

For the week, I have a play date with a girlfriend. Don't know what we'll do, but it's always nice just having some food and talk.

In terms of my well-being, I've got some reading I'd like to do, and some meditating I'm going to start. Mostly deep breathing exercies, a la YOGA style. I'm still not up for exercise beyond walking, light cleaning, maybe playing with my son in the hot tub and outside, tossing the baseball for him to hit.

Al Anon Sunday (I'm contemplating going this evening-there is an open session close to home at 7PM, where I can gather information).

Some grocery shopping to stock up and get back on track with healthy eating. Cleaning the fridge to prepare for the new fruits and veggies. Making a menu for the coming week, so that I'm not ordering luch everyday or eating crap when I come home.

Listening to some music, watching some movies, TV, maybe a board game or two. I was also contemplating getting a new puzzle to work on, but I would have to get something small so that I don't have to crane my neck to piece it together.

I take very good care of myself these days, and I'm better for it. I'm a much better mommy than I was these last three years. I have a sense of balance that didn't exist before now.

As for the marriage, I'm not making any decisions about that for a while.

It's funny, *I*, actually, am happy; it's my M that is not. It takes two of us, and currently, PWC does the minimum. That is his decision. I remember something Frognomore said to me a while back; he said unless you are absolutely sure that you have come to the best decision for yourself and family, you are not there yet. If I were under major duress, I would end this situation lickedy split. As it is, I'm under very little duress that isn't self imposed. My son is beside himself with happiness and he is emotionally very stable as compared to 9 months ago. He's thriving. It's not something i'm prepared to make a decision about under these circumstances.

If things had remained such that I went from Plan B, to PWC never coming home, to Plan D, then I would be okay with that; I would HAVE to be. Such as it is, PWC came home, which makes matters more complicated. A decision to D is a really important one, and very big. This is not the time.

I am prepared to do what I must, but prefer to be sure about what I'm preparing for.

I'm at a beginning right now, of something new for me. One major thing at a time.

Wow SL. It seems like you climbed to the top of K2 just to get to the base of Everest. You are one strong lady!

You do sound HAPPY!! That's so GREAT!! You are such an INSPIRATION!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So glad to hear it, SL. You ARE an inspiration, just as mimi says.

Your name is very fitting - you have much bubbling beneath the surface in silence and the lucidity is seen every time you post.

Fox

I really am happy, guys, so don't fret. I can't believe it some days, but it's true. My disatisfaction with PWC is only PART of my WHOLE life.

I have a great job, I work very hard and feel good at the end of the day. I have a wonderful son, who's laugh is like heaven. I have two cool dogs that love being around me, sometimes to the point of annoyance. I have a home that I enjoy working on, decorating, finishing. I have family and friends that love and support me as best they can. I have a lot.

Foxy, Coach C and Mimi...thanks for your support and challenging questions, and support.

Good for you, SL!!!!!!! Seriously, I wish I was that healthy right now.



That is so great that you can list your blessings so quickly.



Right back atcha, SL. That's what we are here for. Sometimes we even double up on the support.

Fox

I really gotta read what I'm typing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> Der dee der...

I am prepared to do what I must, but prefer to be sure about what I'm preparing for.

I'm at a beginning right now, of something new for me. One major thing at a time.

You go girl!!!! Your happiness is coming through. I think I can speak for your supporters here....we just don't want you to let the years pass you by! You are too wonderful a lady for that, you DESERVE great love.

Hi SL,

I haven't posted to you much, but have followed your thread and I'm amazed at how you have handled this whole thing. I admire you. I'm the impatient, need fast results type and would have given up out of frustration.

I'm glad that you have found happiness for yourself and your sweet little son.

SL,

I just wanted to stop by and give you kudos for your personal recovery and hoping that things get better on the M recovery. Good luck!