I'm writing my struggle, how I feel. Hopefully, I will find clarity.

Thoughts and prayers are with you SL!

So, I go home, sick as all get out, with a cold. I didn't do a thing, except feed myself and my son. Then I fell asleep for about an hour, while son self entertained.

PWC took care of everything when he got home. I didn't lift a finger. He's been doing this for some time now, really kicking in and helping, doing his part. Also, I've noticed a change in him, since I started the meetings and detached a bit. After yesterdays rant, I obviously still have a lot to learn

Giving it up to a higher power has been a struggle for me. Then I wouldn't have control. As if I have control in the first place. What a farce.

Anyway, BR was gracious enough to smack me upside the head AGAIN, reminding me that I am STILL focusing on PWC, and REACTING.

She sent this



and this


No matter what, the choice to leave will still be there, but I'm so busy focusing on that (fight or flight), and not facing my problems. I'm not in a physical or mental abuse type sitch. My son is doing very well.

I think it's easy to tell people in the muck to give up. It's much harder to tell them to wait for the right answer, because there is not discernable action in that.

I appreciate everybodies thoughts, prayers and support.

SL,

You really sound BETTER today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Just wanted to let you know i am still thinking about you and praying for you.

SC

Hi SC,

Yes, I went to bed last night in a much better frame of mind. I was pooped when I got home. Not doing much better today, but that's to be expected, letting this cold takes it's course.

Posts like that from Foxy (wildhorses) telling me to not make decisions until I'm clear and sure help quite a bit (then I hear Frognomore echoing in my head, saying the same thing); then BR comes with her hard gained wisdom, having followed a path that I have just begun. IT all comes together in my head, shaking me up, getting me to see more clearly that I am reacting.

It's starting to make sense when people say to make the right decisions for the RIGHT REASONS.

SL:

No words of wisedom, but I just wanted you to know that I had many moments that I thought about leaving. I fantasized finally able to break free from the pain I was experieing by finding a new life for myself and my children...

I found out later that it's not my M I wanted to escape, it's the pain that made me want to flight...

My H did the same thing: helping with kids and house work a lot at first, but no affections at all, very little touching...It was a very gradual process, even now, we struggle about it sometimes...But I learned to stay in the present more and build up myself gradually and it helps our M a lot...

Just want to wish you a good day today. It's a new day no matter what.

Snow

Snow,

Thank you for posting this. I really do feel like fleeing sometimes. Don't know that running will help, since I'm part of the problem.

SL,

Just popping in to say hi and I am thinking of you. Keeping you in my prayers every day.

I do not have any great advice. Just want to remind you are a much stronger, wiser woman than you may feel like at this moment.

I truly admire the strength, class, dignity, growth, change, and love you have demonstrated throughout your journey!

You will know what you need to do and you will know when to do it.

{SL}

Well thank you muchly, Bugsy, for dropping by. It matters not that you don't have advice for me, for the solutions are mine to deal with. Really I only have to deal with me, which is beginning to become a relief, if I would just let go. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for sharing BR's WORDS OF WISDOM!!

No Problemo, Mimi.

If it helps one person to get a hold of themselves and find a better plan, then it's worth it. Heck, even if it just makes others aware that not every situation fits nicely within the MB realm, it's also worth it.

I'm coming to find that there are a lot of people posting that are dealing with very similar personal issues.

While taking an inventory of self, it's been really difficult to NOT focus on my negative qualities and what got me to this place. My list had endless NEGATIVES on it. It wasn't until BR wrote me yesterday, and reminded me about self defeating thinking, that I began to list right along side the negatives, my positives. Somebody around here calls it STINKIN THINKIN!

I'm so very critical of myself, to the point where the ugly is all I see sometimes. Truth is, we all have the ugly, but most don't focus on that, and then continually berate themselves for being failures.

On the outside, I'm strong, invincible, can do anything, can bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan. On the inside, not so much.

I was reading Boundaries last night, and came across some very timely passages. If I have the time, I'll type some of it up later tonight and post it. It helped me to realize that I'm not so different than many.

How's it going, SL?

Howdy Guy Smiley!

Oh, y'know, same [censored], different day. I'm coming to terms with my sitch, and I'm coming to find that I'm really done with the way things are.

We are circling the drain, in my opinion.

I didn't want to post until AFTER I had taken the time to talk to PWC AGAIN. I really am done with this path, if you can call it that. I'm not angry, or spiteful, or afraid, fairly indifferent.

I've got more in me that I can do and give; all I need is a willing certain somebody. I'm not willing to settle. I want my husband back, the love and affection, and more; the intimacy of swimming thru the [censored], wading thru our sea of problems, TOGETHER. If that's not in the cards, due to whatever things outside myself, that I cannot control, then so be it.

I'm open to discussing a PLAN with PWC, and him actuating that plan.

Waiting to hear back from you, Dearie...

Just stopping by to say hello dear friend! And to let you know you are in my thoughts & prayers. Sounds like you are coming to grips with YOUR boundaries and expectations. Wishing you well!

Hi mvg!

I was in a hot panic about a month ago, looking for some SOLUTION to my problems, and kept looking at it all wrong. I kept looking at what PWC was doing, not really focusing on me. Now I have, and have had some pretty dark days, but am doing much better now.

Our marriage has suffered a masacre, and we are just bleeding out. I can't force PWC to do anything, this I know for sure. I am putting much thought in what I want to say to him and HOW I want to say it, to express my wants, and boundaries. I DO NOT want the type of marriage we have now. I KNOW THIS. I don't need months and months to figure it out.

I want to do the heavy lifting, WITH PWC ALONG SIDE. Otherwise, I'm finished. I want to exist happily together, not just me happy, and him happy, living under the same roof, but not on the same page. It's just not good enough for ME. PWC has his own thoughts and own opinions, and we may never agree on this. We'll see.

SL,

Glad to see that you are at least still looking at things from all angles. Hope you figure out waht is the best course of action.

Take care of yourself!!!

Hi from the Rockies SL. Snowing today but spring is showing through.

It was 78 degrees for a high in Denver on Saturday and 17 degrees for a low on Sunday with a snowstorm. Snow for the forcast tonight and tomorrow.

Take it from the divorced guy, take your time on these decisions. But you know that and I am confident you will know what you finally must do and when it is right to do it.

Just wanted to pass by and say "Tell Goober Gomer says hey!"

I am taking my time. Not making a decision to LEAVE, just a decision to talk about how to STAY. I have needs, he has needs. I'm pretty sure neither of us are on target here. I need for him to tell me where the dang target is, or if he will even make it available to me. I, on the other hand, have been a walking BULL'S EYE since day one, in terms of needs and desires.

I wish it weren't this way for you, but it sounds like you're on the right track. One that will lead you SOMEWHERE when it becomes time. Better than the way you had been going, I think.

I don't know about you, but I think I'm becoming numb to how hard it is. Hard and sucks are just the way it is.

I wonder if Chrisner's ears are ON FIRE!!!

But, I do agree. I think you can get used to nearly ANYTHING, even torture, to some extent, however, if you have a choice, would you WANT TO. I'm not talking about Plan B, I'm talking about recovery. For me, Plan B was a time to really delve into personal recovery. Marital recovery HAS afforded me a chance to recognize and change more issues with myself, which is great. It's the marital recovery that isn't so great.