I LOVE how you put this, SL.

I've grown to ADMIRE you.

Heck, Mimi, I've grown to admire myself, these days. I'm much more calm, and respectful of everyone around me. Even my relationship with my son gets better and better. I'm not resentful of the position I'm in; in some ways, I'm grateful to have opened the door to change.

I appreciate your recognizing the change. It bolsters my efforts to continue bettering, and challenging myself.

Well, folks, I did speak to my husband and he says he can't do this anymore.

I'm sad, of course, but I can see why he can't do it. It is pretty tough work, and my pain is pretty immense. The mess that has been left in this wake is pretty big, and right now, we're not cleaning it up or recognizing it for what it is. I feel a sense of relief in knowing, but I'm still sad that I'm losing someone that I do care deeply for. I'm even more concerned for my son. I will do the best I can to help him through.

I'm disappointed, but such as it goes, right?

I REALLY do feel that I've run the gambut of what one person can do to save a marriage in such turmoil.

I also wanted to say that I do believe that PWC fell out of love with his wife and really didn't want that back. I believe that he loves his kid with all his heart, just not his wife.

I also wonder if my anger over the last year hasn't just worn him down. I dunno. I wish that he could have told me about it, I wish he could have been open and given me a chance to change. I honestly think he hates me most of the time.

((((SL))))) No advice or suggestions... just lots of hugs and tears for you.

I am so sorry SL. You have carried the whole load for a very long time.

((((SL and DS))))


You have grown and changed incredibly these past couple years. It is your husband who has much to do to heal himself. You could never do that for him.

What a LOSS for HIM!

IMO, he couldn't RISE to YOUR LEVEL!

YOU, MY DEAR SL, ARE A WONDERFUL PERSON!!

I predict that YOUR LIFE will keep getting BETTER and BETTER and your son will certainly PROFIT and is BLESSED to have YOU as his MOTHER!!

((((SL)))))

((((SL))))) I am so sorry. I do however agree with mimi it is HIS loss.

You have grown so much and it is too bad that he could not grow with you.

I hope you are right Mimi! I really want what's best for my son, but this environment just isn't it, IMO.

I am blessed with a wonderful son, who I am sooooo concerned for right now.

Any suggestions of what his father and I should say to him would be much appreciated. I really want to cushion this as best I can. I know what it's like to live in an unstable environment growing up, and I'm only half the equation. I hope PWC and I can come up with a reasonable parenting plan. I don't want to SEE him much after we separate. I would prefer a more Plan B type approach, for me, and a good coparenting strategy for DS. I don't want to know about the non-serious relationships taht PWC has, and I would prefer that Dylan doens't either. I will not be exposing my son to any new men unless it's serious. But that's just me.

SL,

I'm so sorry for your situation and your pain. You have done everythig possible.

The only other thing that you could do is settle for what you have and live as "roommates" basically looking the other way. I guess a lot of couples do that, and I believe that my WH wanted that, but for me it was not an option. My WH would not put forth the effort either, thought MC and my MB books were bull^&%, etc. We BS's just can't do it alone. M is for 2, not 1 and not 3.

Their loss I guess, although we may never know.

((((SL))))) You will grow and prosper.

Hey Chai,
Thanks for dropping in and hearing me. I have learned a great deal about myself, warts and all. I would have loved a real opportunity to recover my marriage, but it seems not to be.

SL- I have followed your sitch from the beginning. One of the hardest things ever to learn is that you can't make people do what you want them to do. Everyone is free to make their own choices, even when they are wrong.

My heart goes out to you. Your H makes a choice when he says he is not in love with you and can't ever be again. He is selfish, IMO.

I was divorced with 2 small children, 3 and 6, who are now almost 14 and almost 17!! They are wonderful, loving children. I have little contact with XH as we live about 1800 miles away, but we do co-parent well and agree on the children. It can be done.Though I still am sometimes so mad at his choice he made to divorce me, it is what it is and I am happy now.

My heart breaks for you, it is not optimal, but you will be stronger for it.

HTH

(((SL))) I'm sorry things don't look like they are going as you wished they would. However, Chrisner is right!You have grown and changed incredibly these past couple years. It is your husband who has much to do to heal himself. You could never do that for him.

Any suggestions of what his father and I should say to him would be much appreciated. Open and honest as much as his age will allow.

I would prefer a more Plan B type approach, for me, and a good coparenting strategy for DS I would come up with a plan that works for YOU first, then as you can, talk to PWC about co-parenting and try to work a plan together before separation takes place, including introduction of OP when you believe it's appropriate, your expectations of PWC, etc.

Keeping you in my thoughts & prayers! (((SL)))

One thing that I have in my favor is I love myself a great deal and won't settle for this. I sincerely hope that I can help my son heal from the hurt that he will be caused and help him in his life. I pray that he is able to allow in wonderful, loving people into his life, and also to be strong enough to be open and honest with them all, even if that means a struggle may ensue.

Oy! It's like a death has occurred.

howtoheal, thank you so much for posting that. It means a great deal to me to hear from those that things didn't work out the MB way.

mvg, my lady, my friend. It's okay, really. I would much rather know what the truth is and what I'm facing than be kept guessing all the time. I kept thinking that he was staying because I must have done SOMETHING that gave him hope. Truth is, he just came home for our son, and didn't want me. I really would have rather he stayed away and worked thru his problems with his son instead of dragging me back in, giving me some hope that there was something I could do. I mean, really, I have struggled and struggled over the last months, and didn't know that it was all a worthless pursuit.

Again, it just baffles me. He could have worked more time out for his kid, if he really wanted to. I wasn't his road block, his lifestyle was. Everybody else was more important, IMO. His girlfriend, his job, his friends, all of it. He could have given it up to nurture a better relationship with his son, until he became more stable, and then incorporated more of his friends time into his life. It just baffles me. Why bring me back into the equation? Unless it was just because he didn't want to struggle. What kind of person are you for USING your WIFE that way, though, if that's the truth? Ewwwwww.

I was heartbroken enough, without all of this to think about now. There really was NOTHING I could do, and he lead me to believe there was. I'm having a hard time believing he is a good person, having made these decisions. I always wanted to believe he was a good person tht made some poor choices, but he was redeemable. I STILL hope and pray that he is a good person, buried beneath a lot of anger and pain. I just don't believe any BS deserves this. I never thought it would be me. I ALWAYS had more faith in him than this.

It's a tough pill...

(((SL)))

I too have followed your story from the beginning! One thing for sure...you are a warrior...in heels, but a warrior all the same.

You should be very proud of all you have accomplished and all you fought to accomplish. You lady are no failure or coward! PWC doesn't have a clue what he is throwing away...I shake my head in pity for him.

I know you are so worried about your son and this will not be easy for him...but he has you and he is very lucky.

Best wishes for a wonderful future!

{{SL}}

I have no words of wisdom on what's the best path to go from here, but I have my admiration and my faith in you that this will be the new beginning on your personal life and you will find true happiness, this part, I am very sure.

And I also want to say that your personal growth has been really inspirational for so many of us here. You are one person that I will think of often in my future struggles in life. And thank you so much for giving so much passionate help to so many of us, even when you were struggling in your own pain and personal turmoil. It takes a person so much inner strength to be able to do that.


Snow

SL you don't deserve this. Your take on this situation was the mature, loving, RIGHT one. Only thing is, he doesn't see it the same way. He is not doing what is best. He is using the "I just don't FEEL it anymore" excuse, which is crap.

But you can't change him. You can and have been changing you.You are a fabulous mom, a wonderful person and will someday be a loving wife to someone deserving.

This sucks big time. You did everything right and it still didn't work. It's not fair. But it is what it is and you unfortunately have to deal with the fall out. I am so sorry.

You will get through it and be stronger for it.

HTH

Silent:

So much about what your Marriage has devolved into was the marriage model for so many couples in the earlier years of the last century. And still existing in places today.

It's called "staying married for the children"

A miserable existence was acceptable, because what other choice do you have?

However, that economic model was blown up when women entered the workforce and were able to make thier own choices absent of the economic consequences of throwing the Bum out.

Silent can make a choice to remove her roommate from her house.

And proceed into a new life, and research new roomates, or a life partner who "gets it".

Yes, your son will not get the life he would have gotten had you been a "Happy" couple.

But he wasn't getting that now anyway.

So where on that sliding scale of growing up in a split up family does your son end up? With the knowledge you have gained here, and with proper efforts, he will end up at the better end of that scale. But not where he would have been had you guys found a way to get to a "happy" couple.

My DS15 is SO MUCH more secure in our household than he was 3 years ago. I missed MANY opportunities to make his life better earlier. But I made bad choices. Choices I'm not making now. And my DS has benefited from that. PWC is making some of those same choices. And this HAS nothing to do with affairs. It's just a mindset.

Sure, you can get to a "Good" co-parenting role with PWC. But his co-parenting skills will always, always not measure up. And the turmoil that that would cause you will NEVER allow you to go to a proper plan B life.

Who should tell your son that the Marriage is ending? PWC of course. With you in the room, with your lips zipped. You can discuss with PWC WHAT he will be saying, so that he can't just say "Mom's throwing me out, because of....?" He can say: "Due to my choices, I have to leave this house, your Mom doesn't want this to happen, but it is time for me to go"

But he won't say that will he? Sure, he CAN say the first line, but he can't say the second, more truthful line.

It's always better, in PWC's mindset, to make the other person be the bad guy. "I want to be HERE, but MOM says NO!"

Sure, he WANTS a wonderful life with his son, but he not capable of providing it.

So, Silent, you can start making plans to create a BETTER life for you and DS. And deal with the baggage of PWC as you need to. Eyes wide open, you know.

One day, maybe SOON. PWC will hit rock bottom. The drinking. The evasison. The putting others before you, DS, and your Marriage. And maybe not.

Out of your hands.

And maybe ol' PWC just thought if HE was bad enough, YOU would leave. Then he wins by default.

That's still in your hands.

Sorry you have to go there S/L. I understand ALOT better where PWC is now than I ever did before. With too many demons, the only thing that happens is the world must go on as he fights the demons. Or not, as is currently the case.

Out of your hands.

((((S/L))))

LG

I also recognize that I had a choice back in May of last year, and I didn't fully follow my plan or instinct. I wanted to WAIT it out, and let PWC work out his relationship with his son, but my HEART wanted to believe so badly, I allowed myself to give in to that. My son was hurting, and I knew he would have some relief with his dad being home.