My wife and I split up about a month ago after over 5 years of marriage. Things have been going down hill for about 2 years. That was about the point where she told me she wanted an open relationship. She even suggested wife swapping at one point. I tried to cope but just couldn't live with her knowing she wanted to have sexual relationships outside of our marriage. A few weeks before we split, she accused me of having an affair, as did her mother. I have never and I am still offended that after all she told me, and me even avoiding telling her that I thought another woman was attractive, that she would accuse me of such a horrible thing. I told her that I couldn't live with it anymore and I was going to stay with a friend. We have 2 girls, both under 5 and if it weren't for them, I'd have been gone long before. It has been a while since I've felt wanted by a woman. Not just sexually, but also feeling like the other person desires you. We are in marriage counseling but it's not going well. She is saying now that I am all she wants and she doesn't want the open marriage anymore. But she also made reference to a dating couple that are mutual friends that have an open relationship. They aren't married and it's more of a casual friendship than a relationship. She said it works for them. I go by every night after work and for a few hours on weekends to spend time with the kids, but my wife and I don't really say anything to each other. I felt like I was there for financial support and not a marriage. I still feel that way now. I pay all the bills but she still asks for money. The week after we split, I gave her money to buy winter clothes for the girls, but she came back with a new cellphone. I asked if she got the clothes for the girls, but she said no, they got other stuff. She wouldn't elaborate on what stuff.

Anyway, I realize that the marriage is over. I feel bad for not wanting the counseling to work. I just can't go back and forget everything that has happened. I have a long time female friend who is also going through rough times in her marriage. We've been talking a lot lately, something my wife always had a problem with. She is the one who actually convinced me to ask my wife out when we were still in high school. My friend and I have always been very close, but nothing more. Neither of us has any interest in anything other than friendship. Since the split, I find that I am becoming increasingly aware of women. While we were still together, I had no interest in pursuing another woman and I saw them all as just other people. Now, I am starting to see women in a more sexual way. I feel liberated, yet burdened by my failing marriage.

I am very shy and have never been in the "dating scene". And it has been so long since I dated, that I don't know what to do. At what point do you move on? When do you give up on the marriage and seek out companionship? Should there be a grieving period (I think I've already gone through that)? Is it wrong to want to seek out a relationship so soon after a split? Should I try to make it work? Any advice?

Despite what you might think, you have not yet gone through the grieving period. And the best advice I can give is get divorced first, settle into your new single life, and heal, before tangling up with new partners. They'll thank you for that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Everyone thinks they are ready to date as soon as they are separated, and everyone has been burned by that. It feels great to have the attention, being desired, etc etc - but once the novelty wears off, people who aren't healed realize just how not-ready they are, usually trashing someone's heart in the process. Best not to go there.

AGG

oh gawd.. hate to admit it... but agg is right on this one.

i was on the receiving end of that heartbreak. and it is not fun.

mlhb

There there, don't you feel better once you admit it?? The truth shall set you free, M <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

you just had to go and ruin my nice comment didn't you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

mlhb

Dating is very complicated. I am years past my divorce and it still causes me to be confused. At times, I have women practically beating down the bedroom door. At other times, I can't do anything right and the smallest mistake is a HUGE offense.

As Shakespeare said: This above all - to thine own self be true.

The monk is right, I would listen to his advice.