Well, folks, it's true. The affair always ends and and then the WS wants to be happily married again.

My ex surprised me by coming by this morning. He was completely unfoggy. He apologized for his awful behavior and even told me how the affair ended.

I think he is in the process of rewriting the history of the affair, because he is telling me how miserable he felt, how guilty, and how everyday was filled with nothing but drama.

During the affair they were soulmates and everything was wonderful.

Anyway, he wanted to know if I would ever consider dating and remarrying him again. He talked about how happy we had been, how we had it all, blah, blah, blah.

I told him the old "Too much has happened", "I just don't feel that way anymore". I know that the feelings might come back some day, but I just have no desire to try. It might be different if he had displayed more character during the affair. But he left me, took all of our money, and was completely done.

It felt good to talk to him in a friendly way, without anger or blaming. It was almost like the good old days.

I just thought folks here that are still fighting the battle would want to know that affairs DO end, and when they are over, the real spouse comes back.

G-d works his miracles and for those who read this and don't want to give up HOPE, please remember this. No matter how dark it seems now, G-d has a better plan that none of us have any clue about.

I am not sure what you say in this case, accept my thoughts are with you as well as any support you need.

I would love to read about your story, what is it called?

SG

Oh, skinsgal, my posts are all over the place. Basically my ex fell in lust with a neighbor. Her hubby was in Iraq fighting. He was walking our dog, and she was on her porch crying, and he was trying to comfort her.

That led to a 4 and a half year affair. She left her hubby when he came home, and also abandoned her 12 year old daughter. The affairees moved in together and everything appeared just peachy from the outside.

I waited until last year to get divorced, and they split up just a couple of weeks after our divorce. Since then he has repeatedly called me and wrote me, but always had a lot of excuses of why he behaved the way he did. Today is the first day that he owned up to everything.

Anyway, my life is good again. I have no doubt that the MB plan would work for us too. But I'm just not interested enough to devote the effort. If we weren't divorced I might have given it a try.

That is the bad things about affairs, the likelihood of the BS falling out of love is very high. Dr. Harley spoke about this on his show Friday. He told a wayward spouse that if he didn't end his affair NOW that he was likely going to lose his wife forever because the average BS will just flip like a switch after tolerating that abuse for so long. He told him that once it happens, he won't be able to get her back.

I think thats what happened to you, believer, you just flat fell out of love with him. He made the biggest mistake of his life having that affair.

Believer,
Ya just never know, do you?

I imagine it would difficult at best to start all over with your S. 4 and a half years is a very long time IMO.

I still think that roommate sounds good. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

All the statistics say that the spouses are more likely to be back together than with someone else. I just never really believed it. All it took was the affair ending.

believer, during those 4.5 years, are you or were you involved with anyone?

believer, just so you know, shortbus here is a troll who normally trolls under the name bestadvisor. You are not obliged to share your life with trolls.

Hey Believer! Thanls for the confirmation that Dr. H's plans work. I believe, but I knew my WH would be a slow responder so I won't lose hope that he still will be normal enough to end the A. It's has just been 3 years since d day, so he can still beat your WH at being the slowest of he hurries a little!
Just last night I dreamt that he had repented... and it was a very pleasant feeling although I knew (in the dream)that it didn't mean that I would remain married to him. As in your case, the problem would be that I would not be able to take all that has happened.

The difference between you and me is that I actually followed Dr. H's plans exactly from the very beginning because I was lucky enough to find MB as soon as I suspected the A and also the fact that he has respected my plan B which means that I have been theoretically less exposed to the damage the A causes in the BS (teh whole point of plan B).

it's interesting (chance?) that yesterday I also saw in a local magazine that another well known A has ended. There was an important public person here working with taxes who was having an A and some people tried to blackmail him: if he had them indicted for not paying taxes they would send his wife pictures of him with his lover (a co-worker). His wife is a lawyer. He refused to back down and they sent the wife the pictures and she divorced him.
In the beginning everyone said that the relationship was working out just fine but just yesterday he appeared on the front page of a local magazine and the title said: romance confirmed. It was a picture of him with another woman, so the affair is over.

Incredibly after such a long time, day before yesterday I met with someone who works in the same place WH does, a military institution. WH came up and I told this guy the situation plainly: WH is living with his secretary who works with him right there. This guy said he had heard rumors. WH and OW are not allowed to work together if they live together. I told him: arrest them! but he won't, because there is so much corruption among those people there would probably be no one left working if they actually applied the rules!
But one thing that makes me smile is that at the privat clinic, OW introduces herself as WH's wife, even wears a wedding ring I've been told. But at the other job they have to pretend that they have nothing going on. Must drive OW crazy! But she has been more patient than I thoight she would be.

Anyway, I think I'm more stubborn than either of them. I will see the end of this according to Dr. H's theories. It's a matter of pride at this point.

Thanks. You made my day.

I know Melody, but I don't mind sharing with anyone.

Yes, I broke my marriage vows after 3 years for a one night stand with an old friend.

And now that I've been divorced a year, I've been dating several men.

The Harley's say NOT to get involved with ANYONE until a couple years after the divorce. Good advice.

Hi believer -

Amazing. I think I remember your story - you caught him at her house, didn't you? After he had said it was over...and the motorbike....if I remember correctly he put you through ******....back and forth like a ping-pong ball.

I think what gets me is how he thinks its OK to just walk back into your life, now that his affair is completely over.

I guess, though, for me it gives some comfort to know that the man reappears, back from the fog, once the madness of affair-land is over, and he finishes going through "withdrawal". It really does seem to be like an addiction. It's too bad that it is too late by then. Isn't it strange that his affair ended so soon after your divorce? Isn't that very common? That once they are free to have what they think they want, then it doesn't turn out?

You impress me with your calmness and I'm happy that you don't feel the need to go back to him. I think it is true that once the "falling out of love" happens for the BS, it's almost impossible to get it back. I think part of a woman's love for a man is not only passion, affection and sexual attraction, but also respect and admiration. Once the respect and admiration go, it's hard to sustain the rest.

I wish for you a happy life from now on.

LIR

Yes, LIR, someone said (Frank Pittman, I think) that an affair needs the marriage. The reason the affair broke up is because the OW wanted to get married right away. All those years, my ex had an excuse - that he COULDN'T get married and would need to get divorced first.

OW put her own needs aside and did EVERYTHING to hang on to my ex. Then when he didn't immediately marry her, she started LB'ing like mad. And the funny thing is I think he WOULD have married her, he just wanted to wait a while.

And another weird thing is it took him so long to get out of withdrawal. They split in January, which is 8 months ago. Of course, there may still have been contact, I didn't ask him.

But I gotta say he seemed just like the guy I fell in love with and married. He was warm and hugged me, sat by me and listened like he was interested. I knew in about 5 minutes that all the fog was gone.

Well I think it took him so long to get out of withdrawal because his affair lasted 4 1/2 years - the longer the affair, the longer the withdrawal.

Maybe the "guy you fell in love with" is the one who WAS interested in YOU and didn't have the animosity towards you that a WS fabricates and carries around with him like his best friend, or like Linus with his security blanket, in order to justify his affair. So without that animosity, he would be the guy you knew and loved. Maybe that's the guy you are seeing - the guy without the fake beef against you.

I guess I feel that it would be really hard to trust him ever again - I would have serious trust issues.

I also think that if he was really serious about making it up (whether you are interested in making it up or not), he should show remorse and sorrow for what he did to you. If the fog is clearing, he should go through a rough time with himself once he starts realizing how much he hurt you and the impact his actions had on you. If he doesn't show some sign of that, I would worry. I think Dr. Harley is right when he says that the BS can't just forgive and forget, and that if the WS wants to set things right, he has to recognize that he has to make amends and work hard at that. I think sometimes when a WS is at this stage (of realizing what he has done) he can try to make himself feel better by trying to establish some form of reconciliation with the BS (like, she seems OK with me so I can't have hurt her that bad). I guess as a BS, I am now very suspicious. You are the person who knows him best, so you would be the best person to be able to tell where he is coming from.

Wishing you well.
LIR

And they can look you right in the eyes, and you can see the alien has gone back to the mothership, and the person you married returned to the body where it belongs. "the fog creeps in on cat's feet", and it disappears in much the same way.

Believer, you ROCK!

Wow Believer, you are the one who always says it - affairs do end. That's an amazing story. After 4 years no less.

I certainly can understand why you wouldn't want to try again. Recovery would be a very hard road to travel at this point.

It sounds like you have a good life now, and I'm happy for you. You've probably heard what every BS needs to hear at some point, whether we go back to them or not.

You go girl!!

Hi [[[[[[[b]]]]]]]]

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well it just shows that we FWS eventually 'get it', it just takes some of us a whole lot longer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Sadly, by the time some of us get it the BS has moved on and the FWS is left behind.

It's the chance you take when you step into the world of affair crap, and some jump in with both feet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Happy for you though that you are in a good place and enjoy life! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> You truly deserve it !
Aussie would want me to send you a hug (((((( Believer))))))

AW <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thank you for posting this. I am trying to hang onto hope and I know it hasn't been very long since I've found out about my WS, but I pray that he will see get out of the fog and see what he is putting me through.

Here's one for the record books! My husband's parents divorced when he was six. (two younger siblings) Both parents had affairs, remarried other people, and divorced again. Finally they both met Jesus and turned their lives around.


After being apart for 23 years, they kept seeing each other when the children married or a new grandchild was born. They fell back in love and remarried. The unusual part was that my husband married his parents! (He was a pastor at the time.)


They have been married 20 years now. It hasn't always been easy. They have had to work hard to overcome the problems they had originally, but their children certainly enjoy having an intact family, especially during the holidays.

I told my FWH that it wasn't the A that hurt nearly as much as all the crap that happened since D-day. All the fence sitting, all the cake-eating, all the rejection, lies, fog babble, etc.

I only lived with it for 6 months, and I was close to being "done". I can't imagine living it for 4 years, and then seeing your hubby finally return from outerspace.

It is sad it took so long, and that you now feel it is too late.

Here's a line from the song "Home" by Chris Daughtry. I think of WS's everytime I hear it.

"Be careful what you wish for, you might just get all...and some you don't want."

I pray God brings great blessings to you for all you have endured...and for all you have given to us BS's.

Hi Believer

I think losing the need for our spouse, and the unreal fear of being alone for ever if we don't reconcile are measure of TRUE personal recovery.

You are in a place where you don't need to consider taking on a troubled spouse. You don't need a project. You know you won't be alone any longer than you choose to. You know you are better than deserving his [email]cr@p.[/email]

That, m'am is personal recovery IMO and I honour you for achieving it.