<BR>What I've begun to realize -- just today -- is that by having stayed here in this marriage, I'm am filling a need in the lives of my H and the kids. This is what Maya is supposed to be doing in God's design .... I'm filling needs of these people, as is God's will.<P>I stabilize their world ... that's their need ... <P>Maybe I've been so miserable because I've been thinking about myself ... me and my feelings, me and my needs ... how selfish of me. God has me in this marriage to fill the needs of my family. I'm the only one that can do it. This is MY place ...<P>And if I have a void somewhere in my life, I need to look to God to fill that void ... to fill that need. My needs can be met in my relationship with God. That's what He's there for. He wants to have a relationship with me. And He will never let me down. Humans let me down. God doesn't let me down.<P>If I can keep H and the kids happy and secure, then I'm doing what I need to ... God will be pleased. And that's why I stayed in the first place ... to please God. To obey God.<P>And so how hard can it be to please H and the kids? Really all they want is to have me there ... have the family intact. Give them security in their lives. And that's easy enough. I don't know WHAT I'm struggling about ... when I stop thinking about MY needs and focus on theirs, the job looks alot easier.<P>Just some thoughts.

Maya, I really admire you. You have admitted what was wrong and you are trying to do what's right. You struggled immensely for a few months and chose the right path, even if it didn't seem like it was right. However, (there's always one of those, isn't there )<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>This is what Maya is supposed to be doing in God's design<BR>God has me in this marriage to fill the needs of my family. I'm the only one that can do it. This is MY place ...<BR>If I can keep H and the kids happy and secure, then I'm doing what I need to ... God will be pleased. And that's why I stayed in the first place ... to please God. To obey God.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>See what I'm getting at? Yes we should all try to do God's will. We may not always be happy with that, but it's what we need to try & do. Most of your posts have said something to this effect. "It's Gods will I stay in the marriage." C'mon Maya, you have to WANT to do this for YOU also, otherwise you will want out again. We can live for God, but unless we seek joy in our lives for ourselves, we can't possibly live up to His will. He wants us to be happy! It would be great if everything we did for God was exactly what we wanted also, but it won't happen. We are only human. You have the american dream Maya. A God who wants only the best for you, a husband who loves you & beautiful children. I would give my right arm for that! (well, maybe not the husband bit ) It's up to YOU to decide to enjoy what you have. God will help you to do this, but unless you choose to, it ain't gonna happen.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Really all they want is to have me there ...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>No it's not. They don't want you to just "be there." They want you to be an integral part of the family, to enjoy life with them, not just fulfill their needs by being a wife & mother. I don't want my Wife back "just to be a mother and someone to have sex with." I want her back so I can give myself to her & look after her needs. I want to be someone I can confide in & for her to WANT to confide in me. If she's feeling down, I want to fell down too & take away some of her hurt & pain. If she's up, I want to experience this with her also. And everything in between.<P>I strongly suspect your H feels the same way. He stood by you after the affair and welcomed you back with open arms.<P>You need to change your attitude towards your marriage. "I'm doing this for God AND for ME!" should be your motto.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

Maya, words cannot express my feeling when I read your posting. For years in my marriage is what about my needs, what I wanted , what I thought was correct.<P>My W and I took the needs test and for years, it was conditonal- if i got mine she got hers. Upon the threat of losing my wife, I have begun the long journey back to see what love is and maybe gain her trust back- and for her to stop searching for that "thing" we search for sometimes. I also found what her needs were, and how I wasn't fullfilling them. I cooked, cleaned, stayed at home, let her spend time with freinds and family..yet to her, that wasn't important. I was fullfilling my needs selfishly. <BR>All she wanted was conversation and affection. To me, affection immediately turned into sex. <BR>I think that what the OM was suppying- conversation, understanding, turned into affection and now he is enjoying great sex with her. It pains me to think about it.<P>I pray that my W sees that a family split apart, does no good. that I am and will change- sometimes her guilt, i think, throws that away.<P>I miss her terribly , yet do i send her a gift for sweetest day? it has been since May that I have been gone. I don't think the OM will do anything, as he is married with children also. <P>Sorry to step into your posting, I have printed it out and wrote "husband and father" where you have put the female terms.<P>thanks again

But Chris, I'm not suppose to do something for ME ... that's how I GOT here. I thought I had a need and tried to fill it outside my marriage.<P>In all truth ... I don't know my needs or wants. Therefore if I just focus on my family, I will be doing what God wants. Period. He promised to bless that. His blessing will be filling whatever is missing in my life ... the things I cannot figure out for myself. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows what my needs are and will fill them for me ... I just need to do what He wants me to.<P>

Actually Maya, you <B>are</B> concentrating on your own needs... your need to keep your family safe, whole, and happy! Nothing wrong with that!

Hi Whodat. Guess you COULD look at it that way, huh? Thanks for the input!

Hi Maya,<P>I have learned so much from you. My wife struggles (I think) with the things you struggle with. She doesn't tell me openly about those struggles, so that's why I have learned so much from you. She doesn't know what she wants either. <P>This mess has just totally distrupted our lives, given us a swift kick in the pants and now we are both struggling with what is right and normal and a balance.<P>As Chris said, God put you in that family for a reason. Not just for you to fill their needs, but also for them to fill yours. Your husband and kids all have something to offer you. You have to let them give back to you Maya, that's a need for them too.<P>SHA

Maya,<BR>You hit the nail SQUARE on the head!!!!<P>God is the only one who can fill that need. The Bible tells us that. <P>When my W sought to have that need filled elsewhere, I drew closer to Him because it is only in Him that I will ever be satisfied. It is because of Him that I love her. He is teaching us all how to love one another. If Jesus had decided that He must get something in return for His dying on the cross from US, then He never would have gone to the cross. He was here to do the Father's will as WE ALL should do. It is difficult to be focused because Satan is very crafty and he trips us up very easily because he is the 4th most powerful being: God the Father (1st), Jesus (2nd), Holy Spirit (3rd) although in actuality he would be second because God is one just in three persons. So I should say person rather than being.<P>We often confuse doing for others not doing for ourselves. We look for our reward now rather than in the future as He said it will be. Satan entices us to get the gratification now as opposed to when we are supposed to get it. It is much like going to college. You don't truly reap the benfits until after you graduate and get the high paying job that you were working towards when you were taking the classes in college.<P>Besides Christianity is not about being SERVED it is about SERVING. Jesus said that He came to serve rather than to be served, that is why He washed the apostles feet rather than they His. Peter came back with why not wash me from head to toe. Don't remember the exact scripture but that was the gist of it.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by professorg (edited October 12, 1999).]

Maya: I agree with alot said here. Think about this, If we live for God, don't you think god will give us what we need? If you are lacking in anything go to God and he can fill that need. No matter what it is. God bless you.<P>Professorg: you were right in 4th, three seperate beings

I could never be happy existing in my marriage on the basis that God wanted me there (I am working at becoming a better Christian) I need to feel happy with my life and husband but not at the expense of my family. If my wants were to cause others pain I would simply refocus now whereas before I was selfish. This doesn't mean I just think of my own needs but I take steps to make the best of my situation and I feel pretty lucky to still be married because I did have an affair and although my husband is having a hard time forgiving me we are slowly working through it. Hopefully in the future we'll have a better marriage than we ever had, that's my goal. I guess what I'm trying to say is not to resign yourself to a bleak future of just being there to make someone else happy, but take that situation and make the most of it. I wasn't happy before but I sure am now knowing what I could have lost. What would you do if something (God forbid) were to happen to your family? I'm sure you would be devastated beyond belief and would give anything to have them back, have your old life back. I have a totally different outlook than I used to and realize just how important they are and amazingly lucky I am to have my husband and kids. And I'm also very happy. Hope you can find that happiness too, many people would sacrifice so much to have that.

Hi Maya,<P>Its been a while.<P>I can sense your frustration, I only wish I knew what to say.<P>You know Maya, one of the mistakes we make as mortals is to second guess what Gods plan is for us individually.<P>I really don't think, regardless of the situation, he expects us to make others happy at the expence of our own happiness. I believe he wants us all to find happiness and to be content with the choices we make in this life. Certainly we are all going to stumble, and some of us will fall, but in the grand scheme of things, that is expected. We all will fall victim to our failings as human beings.<P>What does make a difference is how we handle our shortcommings and how we rise above the ashes of unhappiness and find what we are all desperatly searching for.<P>Wether you know it or not, you have gracefully overcome some difficult challenges and I have a feeling the butterfly of happiness is searching for you...sit still and allow him to land on your shoulder. You very well could be searching for something that is right in front of your eyes.<P>Happiness is a state of mind, but comes from the heart. It can only be achieved when we make ourselves happy by making others happy..that is the true measure of life and love. Take care Maya.<P>Step by Step, Day by Day<BR> VMV

I posted to you on the "to Holly" thread, but I don't think you were ready to read what I said. It seems to me you have come to a powerful realization of what it is all about. You will be rewarded. Rather than retype some of the post from the previous thread I decided to simply copy it. Pardon me for being lazy but I am short of time and I hope that my message will take on some meaning to you now.<P>"<BR> I rarely post but this series of posts yesterday and continuing today has prompted me to share some thoughts<BR> with this board. Particularly Maya, but perhaps Holly and others will see what I am driving at.<P> Maya,<P> I have been following you since you came onto this board, and I have found you to be very insightful not to<BR> mention funny. Your discussion of your difficulties with falling back into love with your H has really touched me.<BR> Until yesterday I felt that I had nothing to add, but I think I do now. You may disagree.<P> I was surprised by your comment that your H and you have never really be friends. While I cannot imagine<BR> marrying someone that was not a very good friend, it really started me to thinking. Please stay with me as I<BR> ramble. It occurs to me that there may be a way for you to not only regain feelings for you H but perhaps really<BR> surpass anything you have had before. <P> Let me start in a rather disjointed fashion since it is hard to put into words what I am thinking. Your current<BR> situation is that your H has forgiven you and basically given you unconditional love at the same time you decided<BR> to stay in the marriage not because of his love but out of "obligation" or firm religious belief. The problem as I see<BR> it is that neither of you had to "work" to get back together. You H forgave you and he loves you. You did not<BR> want to accept this gift but came back for the above reasons. Unlike many cases on this board, neither of you<BR> returned because of the plan A plan B stuff but rather own agenda so to speak. The problem is that you don't<BR> really feel anything for your H other than obligation and duty and you want to cross this gap to a firmer relation.<P> Meanwhile, you still have strong rememberances for your feeling during the time of the affair, not necessarily for<BR> the OM. How can that be? Your discussion of your lack of friendship with your H triggered the following ideas.<BR> You do not need to love your H, you need to become friends with him again. Just as Sir Hurts Alot had to do or K<BR> and many others. What I am saying is that you need to treat your H the same way you would treat a neighbor or<BR> fellow church member who has undergone a major loss. You go to them and you give. You put the salve of your<BR> understanding on their wounds. You would not really expect anything back. <P> Your H may not be showing it but he has been very damaged by this. He is in a position that he does not know<BR> what to do. I believe you said that he had given it over to God. That means among other things that he will<BR> accept whatever the final outcome is whether he is really happy with it or not. Meanwhile, you are not telling you<BR> H of your concerns, fears, and apprehension. What can he do but sit there. Further, he apparently not only<BR> doesn't know you have problems, but he doesn't have resources such as this site. That leaves the job to you.<P> Now let me give you my take on the affair and the OM. You as most people on this site did not set out to have<BR> an affair. But you met someone and began to talk. These discussions on your part at least were simply reaching<BR> out to someone. If you found they had problems you worked with them to try and help them. You did not expect<BR> anything in return. Gradually, as the two of you or any couple in an affair, begin to get deeper sharing and giving<BR> more of yourself. Evenutally, the interaction is so intense you are willing to give the OP everything (your<BR> relationship with the spouse, the kids, the house, everything). Of course this intense interaction, where all is<BR> sacraficed, can only work if all outside annoyances are pushed away. That in my opinion is why it is called a<BR> fantasy. Not because the emotions and commitment are not real but that such an interaction cannot be<BR> sustained in a vacuum. Further, you have already given everything, what is left to fuel the fire? <P> Now here is the realization I came in your posts yesterday. You do not miss the OM and I think you do not miss<BR> what he gave you. What you miss is what you GAVE him. It was and is the giving part of the relationship that<BR> you miss. That is how you can hate the OM but still miss the relationship. You started out giving help just as you<BR> would a neighbor in trouble, expecting nothing but receiving some satisfaction. As the level of giving became<BR> deeper or more intimate, the response becomes stronger.<P> Maya, what I am thinking is that you need to take your H and give him the same courtesy and kindness you give<BR> a friend or neighbor who has sustained a major loss. You would treat a wounded animal that showed up on you<BR> door step the same way. Become friends with your H. Now you will say it takes two people to do this. Eventually,<BR> that is true but in the beginning (ask SHA or K and others) it does not. It simply takes giving. You cannot accept<BR> your H's gift of love because it is much harder to accept than to give. Once you can give to him you will be able<BR> to receive and enjoy. I am not a bible scholar by any means but my recollection of the scriptures is that the<BR> concept of giving is just a strongly advocated as the concept of love. In fact the statement of love someone<BR> even if you don't (fake it), I thinks is slightly misinterpreted. When the Lord said love thy neighbors I don't believe<BR> hop in the sack with them or love them the same way you would love a spouse or a child is what was meant. But<BR> to treat them with kindness, understanding, sympathy, etc. The LOVE part comes from the sharing of the gifts. It<BR> will grow out of this. Therefore, I think that the feeling that you miss from the OM are not the love but the giving<BR> without regard to consequence.<P> You feel empty because you are a giving person and you are not giving. Talk with SHA or K or for that many<BR> other here how have regained first friendship with their spouse and then love.<P> I hope my ramblings have made some since. Maya you are not a bad person and I think that you can make your<BR> marriage something far more than an endurance contest.<P> There is much more I would like to say but this is getting too long and rambling. Think about what I said. If you<BR> look closely at the Harleys principles you will notice that it really does not matter about which needs and what<BR> came first. What matters is that the partners give to each other as they can and the relationship can develop<BR> again.<P> I hope this will at least get you thinking.<P> Good luck and God Bless You."<P>Way to go Maya

vmv - excellent post. I wish I could take you out to dinner and pick your brain for a few hours. <P>Just Learning - Eloquent post. <P>Maya - I have to second what JL said and I suppose I should have added some thoughts in my first post to you. <P>Way back in Dec of last year, after my wife dumped on me, I remember looking at her and thinking "Oh my God, I don't know my wife anymore." That thought coupled with what she said to me, crushed me beyond any physical pain I had ever experienced.<P>As JL touched on, I set out to get to know my wife again. I knew she wouldn't be my wife again, until she was first my friend. <P>I set out to find her needs (she wouldn't tell me and I don't think she knew herself). It took a while, but I found them. Once I knew what they where, I gave, and I gave, and I gave. <P>Maya, what happened in the process was something I didn't expect. I fell completly head over heals in love with my wife. Now I can't wait to get home to see her. I look forward to giving her a back rub at night. When she gets home and starts talking to me, I drag her into a seperate room away from the kids because I want to give her my complete attention. I find myself sending her flowers at work. Bringing her coffee in the morning. Everything. It isn't anything she did for me, it is completly from what I have done for her. <P>Maya, try giving unconditionally to your husband. Find out what his needs are. Deposit loads of love units and see what happens to YOU in the process.<P>SHA<p>[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited October 12, 1999).]

Wow. Thanks for all the responses. I appreciate the insights!<P>Connor, God calls us to be "content" in whatever situation He's put us in. You think Paul was 'happy' in prison? No, but He was content. He was there because of his stand for Christ.<P>I have to TRUST God to take care of everything else. I must TRUST that He will supply my needs ... afterall that's what He PROMISED! <P>If I set out to make myself happy, I will fail miserably. I shown myself that I CANNOT make myself happy. I make myself miserable. I have to LEAVE this all at the feet of Jesus and let HIM deal with it all.<P>I can't do this .... Christ has to do it. And He WANTS to do it. He WANTS me to be dependent upon Him for everything. It's when I take my focus off God that I start getting screwed up ....<BR>

Bravo Maya!!!<P>MONDO HUG!!!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

Maya, you are absolutely right.<P>I believe the Lord's greatest blessing to me (other than my relationships) is the gift of a happy heart. Maybe it is closer to a contented heart or a serene heart. My H's affair aside, I can usually shake off troubles, see the bright side in any situation, see the best in people and actually like most and experiencing humor sometimes that others many times take more seriously. I believe this to be a blessing, because when I was younger I was not like this. <P>This year when all of this has been challenged, I pretty much lost this for about five months, but slowly it has returned. Now I have to tend it, however. Christian books, inspiriring broadcasts, uplifting Christian music all help to keep me "up". I have always had all my favorite bible verses taped to my refridge, now when I need them most they are even more comforting. Of course prayer tops the list.<P>Anyway, Maya, don't get discouraged that now you've made this decision, it is rough to carry out some days. Give yourself some help and inspriation each day. Don't know what books you read, but you may like The Power of a Praying Wife and The Power of a Praying Parent, both by Stormie Omarian. It would be a powerful way to turn you minds prayfully to the needs of your family. Larry Crabb's books are deep, but thought provoking, too. I could go on and on...I'm a walking Christian library.<P>May God bless your efforts!<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Thanks FHL ... yes, I'm a reader! I will get that Power of a Praying Wife one.<P>I just gotta get the focus off of ME ME ME. Ya know? How can I be so selfish?<BR>

Hi Maya,<BR> I agree with Chris.....you need to be happy with your family and want to be there, not because it's your duty. They will be able to sense it. I have been following a thread on the Divorce Busting site called hopefulness and there are some extremely insightful people there. They are making their own happiness....it comes from inside. In my humble opinion you need to look within yourself and find what can make you a happy person within the context of your marriage...is there a hobby you can get involved in, what gets you excited? You used to decorate, can you start that again?Maybe you are sacrificing so much for your family that there is nothing for you. I know I'm probably babbbling on and on but I think happiness comes from WITHIN. Lu

Maya-<P>I haven't been around much, but I've been trying to read some posts lately. One thing you said earlier was..<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>In all truth ... I don't know my needs or wants. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is it! When you strayed from your marriage you were looking for something you <I>thought</I> you needed. It was not what you really needed. I think if you do not discover what your needs really are you will never be happy. We all have basic needs: food, clothes, shelter, but most people also need the love of another person. Some people don't. If you do need the love of another person you must distinguish what parts of the love is the real need. Is the support and home your reall need or is the words and presents you need?<P>I think you'll understand what I am getting at without rambling too much.<P>One thing I have realized is this...<BR>I have always tried to look good. When I've been in shape I would wear something tight or low cut, figuring that my beauty would be valuable to a good man. My OH asked me this...who do you think you would want to be the mother of your child? The girl with the tons of makeup on and the short skirt, or the girl with natural beauty and a comfortable pair of jeans?<P>Interesting, huh/<P>------------------<BR>What does not kill you will only make you stronger.<BR>

Yes, I think everyone here has pointed sorta pointed out what i was trying to say. It's absolutely fantastic you have chosen to do God's will. Sometimes it is very difficult to make this decision even when we know it is the RIGHT one to make. But we can choose to do it & also choose to be happy doing it.<P>You chose to marry your H for certain reasons. Choose to be with him for those reasons again. Love him for them & let him love you for them. Enjoy what you are doing for God and also love what you are doing for yourself. It's not against His will to be happy.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>