I have been dating a man for about 1 1/2 years. He treats me very well, very attentive, would do anything for me....but he has a gambling problem that is putting me into financial debt. It has become very serious. He wants to stop, but I think my support has enabled him. I'm also losing respect for him. I am actually concerned for my well being and my son's because he has someone whom he owes that is not playing around....he wants his money and is tired of being put off. It is a very long story, but in a nutshell....I'm afraid because my name is involved. How long do you forgive and stand by someone? He isn't my husband yet, so I don't have the same obligations, right? Even though we've talked of marriage? Advice please!

you have NO OBLIGATIONS to this man whatsoever!

leave him and get out of there. for your safety and that of your son. you deserve better than that.

mlhb

You need to end this now and walk away. He is not marriage material and this will be a disaster. Your son has been through enough, NID. His gambling problem will cause you to fall out of love soon enough and then you will be dragging your son through yet another divorce.

I swear, Nid, I know you know better than this.

Welcome back, girl, sorry you are back under these conditions,but you need your [censored] kicked if you don't extract yourself from this mess NOW. You are supposed to use GOOD JUDGEMENT when you choose a partner, and you have an even greater responsibility to protect your son.

Hi Melody,

Thanks for responding to me! Oh my gosh, I know what to do, you're right. And I'm already falling out of love....I can't even tell him "I love you" anymore....just doesn't feel right. He is a Christian, prays, read God's word, but how can he do what he does and call himself a Christian?

You said,

"misplaced compassion gives power to EVIL....."

where did you hear that?

When he feels I am slipping away, he starts to talk about forgiveness and how as a Christian, I am supposed to forgive him and give him another chance. Jesus said to forgive 70x7. But this doesn't mean I'm not forgiving him, right? I just can't have him in my life. Oh, I dread the "Dear John" talk........

Dr Laura!


oh cool, a manipulator, too!! Do you pick em or do you pick em?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Tell him if he repents you will be sure to forgive him, but you are not marrying him or seeing him again, buh-bye!

I know you know what to do, Nid! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You may want to seek out a good attorney if you have lived with him for some time. Many states have common law marriages after specific times of living together, if indeed you do.

You could be liable for 1/2 of his debts, gambling or otherwise.

Prepare yourself, and do what you know needs to be done.

Nid, I see a pattern of decision making based on FEELINGS that you used in your marriage, that always led you to very bad judgement. I see you doing the same thing here. Here are a couple of scriptures I would meditate and pray on:

Prov 28:26 He that trusteth in his own heart is a fool: but whoso walketh wisely, he shall be delivered.

Jeremiah 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?

Thanks, Melody. You know, I just read Proverbs 28 2 days ago! And upon reading it, I believed I was making the right decision. I also read Oswald Chambers devotional Thurs. (My utmost for His Highest) and he talked about how we sometimes try to "rescue" people who are having a hard time, when we are actually getting in the way of God permissive will. That's what I've done....I kept coming to his rescue, bailing him out of a mess.

I do care about what happens to him. And I hate it that I am about to hurt him deeply, but I know I'm going to have to.

You do not need to be with him to forgive him. Get out of the relationship, and when you have your life together then forgive him, but never take him back.

Good girl, do the right thing. You know what to do. There is nothing "Christian" about marrying a BAD MATCH that you KNOW will not work. You have a moral obligation to protect that boy from this kind of thing; he has been through ENOUGH, Nid. You have to care MORE about what happens to him. Dump this dude.

And I swear to God, if you come back and tell me you got "a message from God in the shower," telling you to do something stupid, I will horsewhip you within an inch of your life! With love, of course..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

LOL.....no worries about that. I know what I have to do.

Thanks.

I'm going to ditto everyone else. Leave. You owe him nothing. He owes you!!!

As for forgiveness, it's next to impossible to forgive someone who continues to commit the same trangression. WAIT! That's not true.

You can forgive them for the times they've trangressed in the past, but forgiveness does NOT mean you allow them to continually beat up on you.

God did not create you in the image of an ATM.

***

About compassion and not wanting others to suffer.... I read once that people who hate to see others suffer, and will go to almost any length to prevent it, are actually afraid off feeling that hurt themselves. Suffering can be a growing experience. We learn what not to do through suffering. Suffering motivates us to change for the better. It may actually be a Gift rather than a bane. Consider the story of Dorian Gray. He was about to engage in all kinds of debauchery and vice without showing or suffering the consequences... Except in the end all the heavy weight of his evil ways destroyed him and others.

Walk away from the gambler. Losing you may be the best worst thing that's ever happened to him.

GG is right, REAL COMPASSION means standing back and allowing someone to face the consequences of their bad behavior. There is nothing "compassionate" or kind about enabling someone or allowing them to manipulate you.