So I shifted to plan B, now I'm wondering just how in the h#ll to navigate the holidays in such a way as to not "ruin it" for the kids...

It's almost no different from Plan D... Kids are asking - so why can't we all be together?

Simply explain why to them. Tell them why you are in Plan B and if your spouse is in an affair, they need to know that. One way that many have handled Christmas is for one parent to have the kids on Christmas Eve and the other parent to have them on C-mas Day.

fair 'nuff, but...

"WHY" is irrelevant to a young teenager who only understands that their life is changing on a fundamental level before their very eyes...

We are adults...OUR reasons/justifications/explanations are important to us, but whether we are a BS OR WS, not a bit of that matters to the innocent who's CHILDHOOD is being ripped from them before their very eyes.

This is NOT their fight...

As the ADULT in this relationship, I feel it is my responsibility, no, my DUTY to ensure that THEY can continue to grow into healthy, well-adjusted young adults who can move forward into a life in which they can choose the right path.

I need to ensure that there is NOTHING I do that smacks in any way of selfishness that can be compared to that of the WS.

What will THEY remember years from now... will they remember that I was selfless, and that THEIR Xmas was as relaxed and joyous as possible, or can they POSSIBLY think that I was being somehow just as selfish as WS by "making a point" by not being "there"...

Remember, what is seen through the eyes of the child is very real, and will color their perception of both of us from this day forward, no matter which fork in the road this marriage takes...

Believe me, ML, I'd LOVE to just go to Plan F/U and take the kids to Hawaii - spending just a small FRACTION of what my WS has spent in just the last 6 months...but then, how ADULT would that be?

Seriously, any ideas how to handle this in a selfless, non self-righteous way??? I mean, this is Christmas, for God's sake...

Lesrning2Fly, I thought I DID answer your question in a "selfless, non self-righteous way." Plan B is in their interest too, and most children can understand the point and the purpose. It is the best thing for the family. It is not in your family's best interest to get together and play pretend games. kids are not made happy or secure by illusions. Your kids will see right through that. Their family has changed. They do not benefit from being protected from that reality. Rather, they benefit from learning how to DEAL with reality AS IT IS.

THAT is how they grow up into healthy adults, not by shielding them from the truth.


I don't think I would take them out of town and away from their parent for the holidays. Rather, I would split the holiday equitably between parents. But there is no reason to break Plan B.

L2F, I will just tell you that to my then 10 year old, the "WHY" was very important. It still is, two years later.
I believe it is their fight too. I have zero doubt that my son will remember me as the person that tried to put his family back together and when that failed, I was the person that had his long term best interest at heart. I see that he gets that. We talk all the time.
Christmas is a day out of the year...a special one for children...BUT, it is not a day when grown ups need to put aside right/wrong so that what WE think is important to them comes true. I think it is worse and more confusing for a child to have everybody all together...playing happy little family...and then have the rug pulled out again after the holiday.

Sorry, I know this is tough...but consistency is the best thing in my mind.

Thanks ML, MEDC,

ML, hope my response didn't sound too harsh...not what I intended at all. My "self-righteous" fervor is more a recognition of my own tendencies that I am trying to hold at bay.

Of course Plan B is "in their interests too", but that's not something they'll see for some time...as MEDC alludes.

Holidays are already hard due to the many expectations met and not met. My desire is to carefully tread that narrow path between what must be and what can still be.



...so very true MEDC. I had long conversation w/ DD yesterday, and coincidentally, that's almost exactly what I told her. While she "understands", it's still so very painful to watch the death of my child's "childhood" at the hands of a selfish and lost WS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for perspective on leaving town...I was thinking that doing a nice trip could create a good memory, but perhaps having Xmas in their own house, with their own tree, etc., would be more comforting...

I think you will confuse your kids even MORE if you try and enact a phony family Christmas that they know doesn't make any sense in light of your problems. My mother screwed me up badly in my childhood by doing that crap and pretending away reality.

Kids need the TRUTH and they need to see a RATIONAL response to the situation, not play acting. Your kids will understand that it makes no sense to have a "family" Christmas when their family is no longer together.

Of course they would like to have their family back together, BUT PRETENDING WILL NOT MAKE IT SO. Please stay in full grasp of reality and react in a rational, REALISTIC, reasonable way. When things don't make SENSE to a kid, they begin to doubt their own perceptions.

I know it is heartbreaking. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I think you can make the best of this by keeping them at home for Christmas and just letting your spouse take them on Christmas eve.

"Thanks for perspective on leaving town...I was thinking that doing a nice trip could create a good memory, but perhaps having Xmas in their own house, with their own tree, etc., would be more comforting..."

Since your kids are older (in their teens?), maybe you should just ask them how they would prefer to spend the holidays? They might prefer to spend Christmas Eve with one parent, Christmas Day with the other, for example, than to have both parents only pretending to be back together again for a day. Or they might want to spend one Christmas with you, the next with the wayward parent?

They might want to keep as many things as possible the same as before. In that case, they might not want to go on a trip and family traditions might be extra-important to them this year. On the other hand, they might feel since such a big change has been imposed on them already BY their wayward father, that it would be better to go on a trip?

Hopefully, they will be in agreement with each other...

(I once tried telling my daughters that they would be spending alternate holidays between me and my WH, or the actual holiday with one parent and the day before or after the holiday with the other parent. I just assumed that's what the court would eventually set up for visitation and although it made me sad I had not considered trying to object to it...One of my three daughters immediately declared she would not be spending ANY holidays with her WF (wayward father). PLUS she strongly objected to her sisters spending any time with him! The other two daughters wanted us (excluding WH/WF) to spend the actual holiday together as a family, with maybe seeing their WF before or after the special day.

NONE of my daughters thought their WF was entitled to be there when we were all together as a family since he had chosen to leave and break up the family. AND they strongly objected to any of us who remained in the family to have to do without each other's presence on the actual holiDAY.

I was actually surprised (pleasantly) that they felt this way. I had it written into the separation agreement, and then the divorce papers, that all visitation was at the 'daughters' disgression'. So far only one daughter has spent one holiday with her father: the youngest daughter spent last Thanxgiving with him. Before he moved out of state two of the daughters would sometimes spend the day after Christmas with him.)

Again, ask your children what would make them feel the most comfortable. Hopefully, all your children will basically agree on how they want to spend the holidays. They may want assurance that their favorite holiday traditions and foods would still continue. Adultery/divorce robs time and money from the family that may result in some holiday traditions having to be skipped. If every tradition can no longer be pulled off every year, you could ask each child to choose a specific tradition to keep this year, allowing them to select the same or a different one for next year. There may be resentment that a choice the wayward parent made minus consideration for them is going to forever change the way they experience the holidays. If they can be in on the decision-making, and be assured that a favorite tradition won't be forever dropped (just skipped some years in favor of another tradition) it will give them some much-needed sense of control and security.