I am deployed since July and will be back 19 Dec. Wife told me 01 Nov that she is having an affair and it started about a month after I left. She says she has not had sex with this guy yet, but 'made out’ on more than one occasion. However, now this guy is deployed and I am guessing he left around Oct and he won't be back for what sounds like to be a year or so.

She is adament that she wants to leave me, and she says it’s not really because of him, but of course, I don’t deserve her, and she’s a ‘bad girl’, she wants to start a new life, and she hasn’t been happy for years (we have only been married not even three-but together for almost 6 now).

She says she can’t quit and doesn’t want to quit communicating with him, which at this point is probably email & phone calls. She said she will stop when I come home.

My wife did go thru a period of what a professional (on-line) told me was considered sexual abuse. She had a relationship in her middle teen years with a non-blood family member whose families lived together, and this guy was about 20-25 years older than her. That is why she left town at 18 or so to join the Navy to get away from him and the guilt of being around her family. She did and does visit her family often, talks almost daily to her mom and carries on a normal relationship with them, but from a distance. I think that whole episode has something to do with her inability to commit, act appropriately, and I know she blocks feelings and she has even told me she is blocking all her feelings now, from what I can tell except for her feelings for the other guy now.

This is not the first time this has happened. When we first started dating and I went on deployment & she had ‘messed around’ with two guys, says there was no sex and I chalked it up to her being 20/21 years old and being lonely because her boyfriend went away for 6 months, although it happened 3 weeks to a month into my deployment. I forgave her and made what has proven to be the biggest mistake of my life, no not leaving her, but rather not getting us and/or her into counseling. Back then she said she didn't have sex either just 'made out' and the other guy she said was more of a forced nature (he didn't have sex with her but she let him masturbate on her back--now I don't think she would have really made that one up--maybe though) and that almost seems like she was accepting abuse or something for being there. Over a period of time & yes when drinking I became resentful as far as name calling and yelling—lots of ‘Love Busters’ in there. That all went away about 9-12 months ago and I stopped being resentful, I had never read this website resentment just went away based on our relationship going better I thought.

Where we are at now: She says we don't have any chance but she wants to see when I come home what it is like for a few days to make sure she knows she's not going to regret her decision. I don't think a few days is enough, but do I take what she will give me and work day to day from there? She says if it goes well in the first few days she will consider counseling. I did tell her if we stay together we are going to need some form of counseling/coaching—I didn’t tell her cause she thinks her past has nothing to do with this, but I will not stay with her unless in the near future she gets some professional help for her past.

She says she will quit communicating with him when I get home, but I don't want her to meet me on the pier and be in tears because she just said goodbye to him on the phone for the last time. I almost want to tell her if she won't quit communicating with him then I can't talk to her or email her anymore. But I don’t want to push her away well I am not there, feel like I’d be pushing her right to him. But at the same time feel like we are both filling her ‘needs’ what me and him can both being away, so I am afraid that she will settle on being with him, because she will continue to feel satisfied with what needs he can fill until he returns because she knows that’s all she can get with him/us deployed.

This morning (for me 7 hours ahead) which is her Saturday night, we just got done texting back and forth. She had mentioned she is blocking her feelings, when I politely brought up that I wish she wouldn’t do that because it hurts me that she makes me feel like I don’t exist. Because to me before I left she cried because I was leaving & promised me nothing like this would happen that she felt a deep pride and love for me so it couldn’t. She told me that she is blocking her feelings for him to but she is still communicating with him, so I don’t understand what that means. Mainly because unless I initiate communicating email/text or phone with her she doesn’t seem to email or text me; like she wishes I would just go away and make it easy on her. I can’t just give up, saw two questions in the article ‘What to do with an Unfaitful Wife’ and I answered yes to both of them: Yes I do want my wife to love me and Yes I do want to be married to her.

I think I have a pretty unique situation here and haven’t seen anything on how to deal with this under the circumstances. I understand the forum isn’t professional help, but ideas and comments are helpful just the same to get a different perspective on things and maybe someone has gone thru this that reads this board (pretty sure plenty of military have). I can’t get books to read on it, because LAN security won’t let me download those kind of files, mail is so slow I’ll be home by the time I got any hard copies I think, and phone counseling is too much $$ when right now I don’t have a phone and when I do it is satellite phone and I lose the line every 10 minutes. So I think this is all I got to go on. Thanks for reading and your ideas and thoughts are appreciated.

Almost forgot some info. No kids involved. I don't know who this guy is all I do know from what she said is he is single and I assume more her age as we are 12 years apart (she being younger). I don't have anyway at least for just over 30 days of finding anything out about him.

Can I save this marriage at this point? single choice
	Yes
	No
Votes accepted starting: 11/17/07 03:45 PM
View Results

Will this thing with him really just die or fade out? single choice
	Yes
	No
Votes accepted starting: 11/17/07 03:45 PM
View Results

I am a military spouse. I am trying to save my marriage too.

I say do not give up. If you love her and are willing to put in the work to make the marriage work, def get counseling.

Hi DLuke,

Welcome to MB!

Thank you for your service to our great country. I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this while you are deployed... it's tough enough just dealing with an A, but it's even tougher when you're deployed.

I didn't take your survey as there are a lot of factors that will play in whether or not you and your W end up rebuilding your M.

It sounds like you have a good plan for counseling when you return home. I would STRONGLY encourage you both to get professional MC from the Harleys...

As for what to do now... well, you already KNOW that there's nothing that you can to stop her from communicating with this OM. I know it hurts, but for now, try not to talk about relationship issues while you are deployed. You'll just end up getting into an argument over the e-mail or over the phone... and trust me, it's waaaay to easy to mis-read each other over e-mail and the phone.

While you're deployed, read up on Plan-A... it sounds like you will have a short window to show her a great Plan-A. Once you get home, you may be able to find out more about the OM by checking your home computer... if he's in the military, then I would definitely EXPOSE the A to his CofC...

It is possible to rebuild your M, but it's a long and painful road. There are some other military people here that can help you but you might want to move your thread over to the General Questions II page as it gets much more traffic than JFO...

All the best to you and thank you again for your service!

Semper Fi,

RIF

So, let me see - you've been M'd for less than 3 years, there are no children, and in the 6 years that you've been together, she's had As with 3 different OMs that you know about, and each of those As started within a month or less of you being apart from her?

I'd like your honest answer to this question - why do you want to save your M?

You'd have to know her to know why I want to save my marriage--She is precious to me and I still love her.

At the risk of sounding like a dumb#@# the first two were within a week of each other and we were together for a few months at the time when I deployed. She was open and completely honest about what happened, I know because I corner the two guys into telling me or I would expose them to their wifes/girlfriend. And this happened after she immediately broke off contact with both of them.

The other reason I want to save my marriage is because I believe her behavior is not of her own doing, it has something to do with what her past family member did to her over the course of three years (I know some of the details and it wasn't all that pretty). I should have gotten counseling back then for us and/or her.

Even if we don't work out and she leaves in the long run, I will feel like a much better man if I stuck by her got her into some counseling for her past issues. If it helps our marriage great, if not at least I will know I did everything and hopefully what she learned will let her and me both live happily in the future together or with others. I would hate for her to live her whole life not being able to commit. Not trying to save the world here, just trying to save her, and us while I am at it.

Duke
I applaude your concern for your wife.
get into therapy both individual and marriage counseling
you both need help.. her because she cant possibly maintain any kind of a committed marriage.. and YOU for picking a
severly sick woman to "marry"
get help !!!
jerseyboy

(he didn't have sex with her but she let him masturbate on her back--now I don't think she would have really made that one up--maybe though)

Now not to be graphic, but let me get this straight she didn't have sex with him, so it implies he did it himself. Then just at the right moment she takes her shirt off and turns her back to him so he can do so on her back?? And the other two guys also no sex. There are some definate holes if not craters in this version of her story. Just my opinion.

Then keep reading here and try to get you and your W into counseling with a pro-M MC...

Are you back home now?

Semper Fi,

RIF

Not back home yet. 29 days and a wake up. Things have changed up a little bit now too, not sure for better or for worse, but won't know that until everything plays out. I know who OM is now but do not have hard evidence (phone bills or emails. But did tell her how I know the circustantial evidence and she is a scared little mouse now. She said it is not him, here is how our phone calls/text session this morning ended:

Phone her: "Don't ever contact me again". click
text fm her 10 minutes later: Leave me alone for now please...
text fm her 18 minutes later: You don't have to worry about him anymore.

I did not call her or text her back after she said Don't ever contact me again. Of course I am very skeptical of You don't have to worry about him anymore. Remember now he is not in town and if I am right, which by her reactions I seem to be right, then he is in training for a special program and will be in training for a long time (with a few breaks in between--those breaks will cause me worry of course).

I feel like I exposed the affair to her? Do I need to expose it to him? Or do you think she'll do that or already has--I mean of course the fact that I know who he is? Or should I wait until I get home and/or get some hard evidence?


Going to post questions in more suitable area of this board too.

Clarification: When I said I feel like exposed the affair to her--duh that is why I am here on the board anyway. I meant I feel like I exposed who the other guy is to her and she definately didn't like it I could tell.

You would be wise to learn as much as you can about the OM and use it as leverage. Have you verified that he is really single? If he is going into a special program, that may come with a top secret clearance or other restrictions concerning conduct. That fact can be a powerful motivator for him to break all contact with your wife.

If it is suitable leverage, I would contact him and tell him you have proof of his involvement with your wife and if you detect any further attempts at contact, you will expose it to his "Special program". You'd probably be surprised at how fast he will drop your wife to make sure he saves his career.

Then when you get home, install a keylogger on your computer, a voice activated mic in her car, and maybe even the land-air-sea GPS tracking key on her car. Then you can verify she is where she says she is and she isn't calling him the minute she gets in her car.

When you get home, as other posters mentioned, plan A your [censored] off, even though it will feel like sucking up your pride and sacrificing your own sense of integrity. But you owe it yourself to take what measures are necessary to ensure your wife is putting in the same effort. Your plan A will probably have little effect on her if she is pining for this guy and trying to contact him.

Good luck!

Have looked at the keylogger software you talk about. I wanted to do it now (one of the remote installers) but almost positive it won't install on my government computer here. I have someone that is going to help me with that when he gets home to the states in 3 weeks. I ordered the book surviving an affair and hopefully it has alot of good info on Plan A & B (hopefully won't need Plan B).

I think I got her attention already know she knows I know who it is (circumstantial but convinced her I think). She knows that if I contact his command he will get alot of crap and possibly booted out of it. It is very hard using it as leverage out here though cause like last night she said if I contacted him or his command that she wouldn't be there when I get back. She said later 'you don't have to worry about him no more'. Of course I am smart enough not to trust that, but she said she will explain later tonight when she gets off work. I look forward to hearing what she has to say. I am aware of the fact that she may still be contacting him and telling me she isn't. Just not much I can do out here without looking her in the eyes and saying stop or I can no longer do anything else for you of course being sweet about it.

Thanks for everyones advice on here. Between this forum and the website itself it has gotten me thru 20 days of the knowledge my wife cheated. Now only 29 more left and I will be so releived just to be home and have a real chance at showing her that we can be happy together without her going outside the marriage even when I am gone.

dluke, as an army vet who cares i just wanna say God Bless and stay strong

but if after you get home and you get clear evidence of continued contact, i hope you have the fortitude to do what you gotta do and confront OM

I will have no problem contacting him and if he ever contacts her again or responds to her if she tries to contact him then I will ensure his chain of command finds out. The program he is in will not take kindly to it and does not give warnings--the program can't afford any outside problems affecting their personnel.

Hey DHL - I replied on your other thread in GQII...

Semper Fi,

RIF

duke
as a former S-1 I hope you
1. DROP her
2. get help from your chain of command
3. DROP HER
see the JAG and DROP HER
jersey boy

This OM is military???

Yes the OM is military. He was going to school now to be a SEAL. Update is that he has been dropped from the program and is now going to be deployed to Iraq. He was in San Diego but is on leave now in TX and/or another country for a while--not sure how long. I am gathering my wife will tell me tomorrow (she is out of town @ her cousins wedding for the weekend).

I found out her password and 'secret' email account so I have some interesting photos and emails. As of 31 December things changed drastically--she now not only is saying "I love you too" but she is saying "I love you" first. I did read her 'goodbye' email to him without her knowledge and it basically said that she is moving on because he didn't fight for her and hasn't responded to two of her emails (25 & 28 Dec) that she sent him. I think she realized what I was telling her may be true that he hooked up with a married woman originally for no-strings attached then even though he talked a big game about when I found out that he really just beat feet. I just don't like feeling like I am her second choice--but I did see in past emails where she told him flat out that she was staying with me because our marriage deserved a fair chance at success.

Pretty confused still but I do know that she is seeing me differently now especially since I proved to her that I want and desire her more than alcohol.

Duke
welcome home
and sorry if my previous posts were a bit "harsh"
i wish you success in reconciling.
a quick ??
arent there any support groups for wives ??
isnt she a member of a wives "club"..
unfaithful wives was a big problem in the army when i was in.. in 66-70.. but there was help
I KNOW the military frowns on adultry..in the ARMY its a courts martila offense.. at least it WAS.. OM being military puts his [censored] in a wringer
as an s-i I had to deal with all sorts of domestic problems but it was usually bad car loans, lack of child support and drunken driving ( some drugs)..but i thought the wives supported each other
jb

No problem Jerseyboy. I would have dropped but I wasn't faithful in my first marriage and understand in a sense of what she went thru. Not to mention she has significant issues from when she was a teen she has not dealt with-that made her suseptable to this behavior. If she doesn't deal with it now I unfortunately will have to leave her.

Wives club is a pretty questionable group of ladies. Being a senior enlisted person in the Navy it is kind of hard to get help--we are suppose to have all the answers. The couple folks I do seek help from are pretty much amazed I am trying to save this marriage and win her back. I am on my 2nd--the two I sought help from have 8 marriages between the two of them. Rather work hard at this one then give up on 4-5 marriages.

Plus she has changed for the better. Doesn't mean a 6 month or 18 month separation wouldn't be repeat but we have both learned things so far and I know she is now exploring her options on where to go to find out how to better cope with her problems and also tools to cope with separation.

We do have to talk about her secret account email account today and the things I found out about the things she was telling him. Not sure how this will go but it must be done and she will have the opportunity to leave me without me fighting. I am not going to fight for someone who wants someone else. I am very confident that she is going to choose to stay--as she basically has told me this on her own. Of course that was before I found three emails to him since I have been back.... none for a week now though since she told me she wanted to be with me for the long haul.