Then I would put a GPS on his car.

I wish I could do those things but he moved out and is living with a guy he works with. I have access to his personal cell but I don't have access to his work cell. I keep looking for the possibility of someone else because there just isn't a logical explanation for the person that is inhabiting my husbands body right now. And he is avoiding me and his son as well.

Mr. Harley gave me a lot of insight. I just hope he is able to get through the wall my husband has put up around his heart and mind.

I don't get this one, can any one help me out? While I had him on the phone today he wanted me to give him some ideas for gifts regarding my birthday, coming up soon, and Christmas. I don't even want to think about those things. I'd rather have his presence in our home than his presents in our home. Is he feeling guilty?

He may be feeling guilty, who knows?

I suggest that you assume there IS an affair. All of the signs are there, and that is about the only thing that would explain them.

The reason for spying is to find out about the affair, expose it, and help it to end sooner.

So in the meantime, start thinking about what he complained about BEFORE all of this. Work on changing those things.

It is awful when you are going through this, so start with just little things to raise your self-esteem. Do you work outside of the home?

You can clean your home spotless, organize, toss stuff out, and make it a warm and welcoming place. Exercise and take GOOD care of YOU and you will start feeling better.

I wonder sometimes if I should hire a PI to follow him. Time just isn't on my side though. His orders to report back to active duty are for Jan 27th. My husband's mindset is all about being divorced before he leaves and selling our home. He doesn't want to talk about the work reconciliation would take.

He had complained in the past that I spent too much time cleaning the home and not enough time just relaxing with him. This was about three years ago this came to a head and I saw his point of view and made a real effort to just chill.

I have always exercised and stayed in decent shape. He says to me things now like "you'll be with somebody new in no time (meaning after a divorce), you have a body some 25 year olds would kill for." When I know I will see him I make an effort to make sure I don't look the way I feel. I just don't have the energy to exercise now. I've lost a pants size since he moved out though.

The things that he is saying now that are wrong with our relationship I can't even show him how I'm willing to change because he moved out and won't interact with me any more. He says that he doesn't want to give me false hope. He says he doesn't want to be responsible for anyone else but himself. He says I didn't give him enough time to be with his friends and that we've grown apart. And that our personalities are so different. Those things all seem like they can be worked on to me. Why are they deal breakers for him?

I do work outside the home but it's a job and not a career. I never finished college because we couldn't afford it. I did have a good job with great benefits for quite a few years while he was in the military so I used that as an excuse not to go back to school. Finally we are in a position for me to continue my education. I had been discussing with him that I was thinking about going back to school and he was all for it. And then this happened instead.

We've only lived here a year so I don't have the strong friendships that you need nearby to get you through this stuff. I am so grateful that I found this board. I've learned so much and I appreciate when people take the time to give me feedback.

You really need to exercise if you don't want to take anti-D's. Even just a walk around the block will help. I know it all seems so overwhelming right now. I was like a zombie for months after D-day. Now my ex wants to remarry.

Stall the divorce, and refuse to take part in anything that will end your marriage. Affairs always end, and if there is an affair, it will end too.

Just think about the stuff he complained about BEFORE all this happened because if he is in an affair, he will be very unreliable.

If you can afford it, go take some classes. That will help get you started on a bright new future.

Hi Byrd,

There's something specific your WH is doing that I've picked up on that may give you some cause for hope.

You know how your WH is saying he wants the divorce to be over and the house to be sold ASAP, before he leaves in January? Well, besides that being pretty darn difficult to pull off, I think it indicates that he is NOT as decided as he insists he is.

I recently read something about people who are afraid they might be easily persuaded, might be talked into buying something for example, usually try to put up a very strong looking (false) front.

Another thing WS's soemtimes do that is for a similar motive is to burn bridges - to say and do some things SOOOO cruel that the BS/marriage will be hurt beyond hope of reconciliation.

So in a strange way, the more the WS pretends to have their mind all made up, to have no doubt about wanting to divorce, the more afraid they are that they might change their mind.

So WHY do they WANT the divorce so much and fear changing their mind before they can manage to permanently destroy the marriage? Usually that's because of an OP that they have become involved or infatuated with. But it also could be because of a midlife crisis.

In your case it might be because he's more afraid of losing the 'respect' and admiration of his bachelor buddies than of losing you... Maybe they would make fun of him or think less of him if he doesn't go through with the divorce?
Who knows what he's told those guys about you and the marriage... and therefore what he thinks they expect him to do?

I just think his wanting things to become final so darn fast is highly suspect.

Have you ever noticed him having similar decision-making problems? Does he tend to resist weighing the pros and cons before become wedded to a particular choice? Does it really bother him to admit to any ambivalence or to appear undecided?

Also, has he given indication in the past that he cares too much about what other people think of him?

ooh, mortal, that's all very interesting, let me think about this for a while.

I don't know exactly how difficult or easy a divorce will be to pull off in this state we are currently living in (no fault). Our counselor told us she had clients that did it in a week because they could agree on things and then hand delivered their paperwork to the courthouse. Hey, thanks again counselor. My husband has been to see a lawyer that he would like to act as our mediator. This lawyer told him that he could make the divorce go as fast or as slow as we like.

Selling the house now that's a different matter. I've been told that I need to get the house out of my name. I've also been told that your creditors can't come after you when a spouse has been deployed??? I'm seeing homes sitting for sale in our neighborhood for months.

But my spouse can be very STUBBORN. When he gets an idea in his head about some things you just can't change his mind. It doesn't matter how logical the explanation is. That's why I wonder about how open his heart and mind will be to actually listening to what Dr. Harley has to say.

What he is saying to me is he is not talking about it to his friends. It's none of their "f-ing" business he says. He says I don't want to talk about it to them. That could be just what he is saying to me though.

I have noticed him be one of two ways about things that need to be accomplished in his life. He is either gung-ho and goes after it until the job is done or he procrastinates and procrastinates. I haven't noticed it ever bothering him to appear ambivalent or undecided. But, he does care a lot about what his peers and superiors at work think of him. That is important to him.

Byrd,


Ask him WHY "God hates him". Maybe he wants to tell you the painful details of his real condition.

-LE

I have asked him and he tells me it's because of this situation that we are in, that he has to leave a job he loves to go to Iraq for a year, that he has had close friends and his mother die within the past four years.

I don't want to point out that WE wouldn't be in this situation at all if he was able to put some effort into a recovery process. I think if I object to him right now that would be a LB. I want to tell him that it is his free will that has a lot to do with where we are. I'm not blameless either.

And it isn't that he doesn't feel he shouldn't fulfill his obligation by being called up. He just says that he has a feeling that he won't be returning. Which I understand is suppose to be common.

Between Iraq, Afghanistan and his current job we have lost close to 10 friends. He was also close to his mother who passed away 2 years ago.

Is it babble when spouse says he doesn't want to do something because it might give me hope?

I understand that it is slow on the weekend but I am going to try to bump this anyway.

Any insight is greatly appreciated.

Update - Friday after Thanksgiving I spoke with Steve Harley, Monday after Thanksgiving spouse did as well. I was very shocked that I was able to convince him to do so. What did he take from his session? He said I don't know if I believe anything from some guy you found on the internet. Mind you he knows that I would never spend that much money on two counseling sessions without thorough thought, consideration, and fact gathering. All of which I tried to explain to my spouse including telling him to visit the website. He says that he did after his phone session but I'm not sure.

We are still living apart but had been speaking to each other daily as well as speaking face to face briefly. I was trying my best to Plan A whenever we spoke.

This week I had, let's just call it, a significant birthday. I invited my spouse to join DS19 and I for dinner out that evening. He agreed. Then at the last minute he had to go out of town for work. I know this is true because I had lunch with one of the wive's whose husband also went. He seemed to want to make it up to me. He said I have a card and a gift for you. How about on Sunday we will go out for lunch, go to a certain sportsbar and watch football and then we can go together to a Christmas open house some friends are having. This is the same man who is all about "not giving me hope". I agreed. I was a little disappointed because these plans couldn't include our DS19 because he would have to work Sun. And their relationship is VERY strained right now too. But I looked at it as a way to Plan A my butt off.

Everything fell apart on Thursday though. A new situation arose for him at work where he will have to be out of town on Sunday. I know this is true because I have plans this evening with another of the wives whose husband will be with him. He came by the house before he left for some items that he needed for this trip. I had a hard time hiding my disappointment (I tried). He was agitated because he was in a rush and all he could talk about was could I please fill out the paperwork that the mediator he wants to use for the divorce had given him. He said I don't have a lot of time to get this done. He is talking about the deployment. He dead set on being divorced before he is deployed. He doesn't want to have this as unfinished business hanging over his head and weighing on his mind while he is in Iraq.

A friend told me that initially she thought his actions were promising until I told her about his need for me to fill out the paperwork. She said that all he was trying to do was maintain a civil relationship in order to have the divorce take place amicably. I've been a fool haven't I? I am listening to Fall in Love, Stay in Love on cd. I bought it that way with the hopes that my spouse would listen to it too while traveling. He said that he would but that could just be lip service.

Is he so far gone to reach?

Why are you cooperating in filling out paperwork for a DIVORCE?

I'm not. He wants me to though. The mediator said that he won't speak to my husband anymore because he is suppose to represent the both of us. So he won't do anything more until I contact him. And I have not done that either.

Well, most come back to their marriages, so I certainly wouldn't put any effort at all in mediation geared toward a quicky divorce.

If you have extra energy, why not do something productive like cleaning your toilets?

Sorry TJ

Believer, what is it with you and cleaning toilets!

LOL - I always use that one when someone is using their efforts on something that is counterproductive. Plus I'm a clean freak. There is nothing like a sparkling clean house.

Byrd, I agree with believer. I wouldn't lift a finger to further a divorce if that isn't what you want.

How do you think your husband would respond to you choosing not to do the paperwork? Do you need to brainstorm some potential responses to him regarding your lack of "cooperation"?

I do. When I spoke to Steve Harley he suggested that I tell my husband that it was a part of "gathering information" for my husband to agree to speak to him. In the same way that we were "gathering information" if we were to pursue a divorce. I'm having a hard time getting him to speak of anything that has to do with reconciliation any more. He is saying he doesn't want to be responsible for anyone but himself. We were communicating really well by email and I was sending him excerpts by Dr. Harley from this site. He said he was reading them but I don't know.

These absences caused by his career combined with his urgency to be divorced before he is deployed is killing any progress we could have. I don't know how many more excuses I can come up with to not start filling out the paperwork the mediator gave him.