Hello,out there.
Let me start by saying my wife has been having a EA as well as a PA with a work mate.We have two young kids 6 and 2.We have been together 10 years like any marriage things have not always been great but in saying that things have not always been that bad either.She tells me she is in love with the OM and finds it very hard to end the relationship with him,she says she has tried many times but just cant do it.This is very draining on both of us.
W tells me she would like to separate but our problem is we are both from different parts of the world I am from Australia and W from Denmark currently we are living in Denmark . I have told my W if we are to separate then I will be going home to Australia she has agreed with me that if that is to happen she will give me custody of our 6 year old and she will have the 2 year old.I just find it very hard to believe that she can even consider that without even trying to save this marriage we have our first counseling appointment on the 20/11.I am not entirely sure she is 100% sure she wants to do this, one minute she does one minute she dos'nt I am going crazy because believe it or not I am still deeply in love with my wife.I know I have had alot to do with the breakdown of my marriage I suffered from a bad drug addiction for quite a few years while we lived in Australia but now we live here I have kicked that habit.I have asked her to read Surviving an Affair not sure if that is such a great idea. I really want to try and save this marriage before its to late, once I get on that plane bound for Australia . I think the guilt of losing our 6 year old is her only driving force to trying to save this marriage is that enough ?.
I have read that you can get the love back which she says she is lacking. When we first met our sex life was great now my W says she has lost the spark in regard to wanting to jump my bones. I am having lots of trouble eliminating my LBers with always asking questions about if she wants to try and fix this or not.
I am really after some help in this worsening situation .

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Call the Harley's. I am not quick to offer that advice to everyone but since your wife is so whacked out that she is considering not only divorce...but actually separating siblings...well, you need professional help from someone that specializes in this stuff.

PLEASE TELL ME YOU ARE NOT CONSIDERING GOING ALONG WITH THIS PLAN TO SEPARATE THE CHILDREN.

I am because I cannot live in this country I cannot speak the language and if I was to get a place of my own I would not be able to do the basic things in life.I also need to have my support network around me.
I just feel that if we do go through with this plan then I want her to suffer as much as I am.
Is she really thinking straight? that she could consider breaking up the family.

How soon can you move yourself and both children back to your hometown? Do you have a support group there?

Read Surviving an Affair (Harley) and Love must be tough (Dobson).

Secure your finances and find out what the laws against adultery are in your area.

L.

I will be only taking one of our kids thats the agreement we have come to. I have read surviving an affair. My W is now reading it is that such a great idea ?

Is there any hope in trying to save this marriage ?. I am clutching at straws ?. The pain and anxiety I am going through it just not fair to me or our kids

You would know that answer if you have done a good plan A and ready to execute plan B if she is still a WS.

What kind of parent would agree to splitting up the children to 2 different countries?

Go redo the terms of the separation. Don't make it easy for her.

L.

Is my wife thinking straight, she is willing to lose a child for an affair that has been going for 3 months and a marriage of 10 years

Pottsy:


Neither of you are thinking straight right now. Your WW has her mind and her judgement all messed up by the affair, and you are emotionally distraught from the pain so much so, that you are contemplating allowing your children to be separated...and one of them to be cared for by a person whose judgement is severely impaired.

I don't care what type of 'agreement' you already made with your WW. If any such agreement is hurtful to your children, you must disregard your previous 'agreement' and protect your children.

You know the pain you are going through right now. If and when you and your WW do separate, your children will need each other and rely on each other to help them get through the intense pain that they will be feeling from losing one of their parents. DO THE RIGHT THING!!

I see that you have a counseling session coming up soon, I hope it is with the Harleys...if not you should seriously consider this.

Thanks,

LoBoy

Is there a harleys in Denmark ? Scandinavia

My W tells me she has not felt happy in the marriage for about 3 years, she never mentioned it up until this affair sore the light of day. She has also said to me that if it was not with this guy that it would probaly be another guy and if it was to end with this person she would still feel the same about me.
I really need some help in trying to rebuild this but I guess it cant be just a one way street.

That's straight out of the WS Babblebook. I heard similar things from my FWW - yet here we are together, 2 1/2 years after D-Day.

Read up on Plan A and exposure here. You need to take steps to end the A. Do you know the OM? Do they work together? Is he M'd? It's time to expose to all parties that can help to break up the A.

No I do not know the other man I do know they work together. I have exposed it to all family members but that seems to have done no good.
I do know OM is separated from his former partner not sure how long they have been split.I am trying plan a but I dont seem to be getting anywhere with it she says she sees my changes but it is very hard for her to end the contact with OM.
She is killing me.
My health my job are all suffering from the pain I am feeling at presant.
I love this woman with all my heart but I am drowning here

Have you exposed the A at the office, i.e. to HR and OM and WW's managers?

For the A to end, there must be No Contact, which means that they cannot continue working together.

Pottsy:

Your situation is far from hopeless. The Harley's do excellent counseling over the telephone, and I know the Jennifer (Harley) Chalmers does her counseling over the telephone while living in the Phillipines.

But stick around here and read everything you can, both on the boards and the articles available here.

Many of us have been where you are now, and whether you are successful in saving your marriage or not, you will be much better off by following the plans here.

Have to run now, will try and check back later.

Thanks,

LoBoy

Pottsy, I know you are hurting. For that I am sorry. But please, do not divide your children. That is insane and will lead to untold amounts of hurt for both children. I am shocked that you are willing to go along with that plan under any circumstances.

Please find a way to get centered and focus. But more than anything...do not separate these kids. They do not deserve to be used as pawns in this situation.

MEDC

The thing is,maybe I am being selfish but I will not stay here in this country if my marriage goes pear shaped I need be in my homeland where I can start again. The way I feel at the moment is that I do not want to reward my W for all the pain she is putting me through.
I need her to suffer as well by me leaving and going back to Australia at least I have one of my kids that can help me through this by preoccupying me.

those thoughts are sick. you are using your kids as pawns.
please seek help to deal with this willingness to hurt your children for your benefit.

Check out teh Spying 101 thread, I bumped it to the top for you so it is more easily found.

So what options am I left with? do I go through life being miserable because she is cheating on me