read here. call the Harley's. And do NOT use your kids as pawns. Making her miserable...and making your kids miserable will NOT make you any happier...will it?

What are your goals?

How dfoes your plan help with those goals?

Call the Harley's if you want to save your marriage.

I really do want get this to work out and the absolute last thing I want to do is break these kids up. The absolute last thing...

pottsy, I have a couple of suggestions for your situation.

1. Do not move out. Do not participate in any seperation schemes. Seperation only increases the risk of divorce and makes it virtually impossible to repair your marriage. moving out helps no one and only FACILITATES the affair. Do you want the OM to move in and take your place? I assure you this is what she has in mind.

Tell your W if she wants to seperate, then she needs to move out herself. WITHOUT THE KIDS. Tell her she won't be dragging the kids from your home to faciliate her sleazy affair.

2. cause conflict in this affair by exposing. Call the OM's wife. Confront the OM. Officially expose the affair to all concerned, asking for their advice and support.

3. if she continues her affair then file for seperation and force HER to move out without the kids.

4. unless your counselor is a PRO-MARRIAGE counselor, I would not pursue that. Most counselors are not pro-marriage and will only strive to facilitate an amicable divorce based on what your fogged out WW says at the time. They are mostly USELESS and cause more harm than good.

Can you give me a lowdown about the exposures you say you have done? To whom did you expose? What EXACTLY did you say?

It is not the place of a child to help you through this. What is in the CHILD'S best interest? A 6 yr old needs his mother and his father.

It needs to be officially exposed at work to the director of HR, the VP and their respective bosses.


And just HOW do you know this information? Where did you get this information? How old is the OM? What does he do?

First of all, you settle down and get a firm grip on yourself. The most important obligation in your life is to your children...and they need at least one parent who can act in their best interests. Your WW has certainly shown that she is willing to place her self-interests above theirs, but you need to rise above that and be their hero...and by doing so, you may be able to save your marriage and your family.

DO NOT EVER CONSIDER SPLITTING UP THE CHILDREN AGAIN!

Right now you are thinking and and reacting to the pain you are feeling from your WW's selfish decisions. We have all been there. You are even consider running half-way around the world just to escape the pain of your situation. You are acting on your feelings...the same as your WW is acting on her misguided 'love' (puke) feelings for OM. You DON'T have to run back to Australia right now...you read here and learn, you can set and follow a MB plan for few months first, and when you are thinking more clearly you can make well thought-out decisions for your family.

You have found MB and the plans here will give you the best possible chance to save your M (marriage) and your family. Your WW will feel her own pain in time, and without you acting to split up your children and move one away from the other.

You stated that your WW said that she has been unhappy for the last three years...what did she tell you that has been causing her unhappiness? Let's start with that first.

Read all you can here about Plan A. Plan A is about changing yourself to correct the things in your M that may have caused your WW's unhappiness. You can't change her, but you can change yourself. If you succeed at changing yourself, you may be able to attract your WW back to the family that she is so willing to tear apart right now.

What have you read here from Dr. Harley and MB? Have you read His Needs, Her Needs (HNHN)?? You should also read Surviving An Affair (SAA). Read about the Emotional Needs (ENs) concept and the LoveBank (LB$). Read and UNDERSTAND what LoveBusters (LBs) are and eliminate them from your personality.

But sit down and give the posters here some more information first about why your WW is unhappy.

Thanks,

LoBoy

Hello MelodyLane I have exposed to virtually all of her immediate family not to any of her friends as yet.I have told her mother that she is having an affair and last week called her father and told him she is having an affair her mother and father are divorced.
I have not called her work place to inform them that she is having an affair with one of her work mates.

ok, I would expose to the workplace in a formal manner, but I would also find out if this guy is married. Can you get his home phone # and call his house and ask for Mrs XYZ to see the response? When you call, disguise your caller ID or call from some other location.

Can you go find out today if he is married or living with someone?

go and get that information and then come back and we can help you in your letter to her workplace.

I really think that her unhappiness is due to my apathy being somewhat lazy at times. When we relocated here to Denmark I was not really 100% happy about being here so I did not try very hard in doing things. This is my 3rd attempt to learn the language here first 2 attempts did not got so well due to my not being very interested about doing it, now I am back at school and trying very hard.
Another problem I had was I was a drug addict while we were living in Australia but now we are here I have kicked that habit I know that has had a big influenece in her unhappiness.

do NOT tell your wife you are going to expose.

Do send a certified letter to her workplace on Monday.

Do get contact information for the OM's wife/GF.

Do expose the affair to anyone that can POSSIBLY help.

Do NOT ever leave your home or children.

Do NOT ever agree to separate the kids.

Do fight for your M and if that fails after you have exhausted all possibilities, YOU keep BOTH of your children with you.

DO call the Harley's on Monday to set up an appointment.

DO listen to the posters here that have been down this road and have your best interest at heart. Mel & company are here to help. Their advice might appear to go against your instincts....when that happens...IGNORE your instincts.

Find ways to add stress to the little fantasy land this affair is thriving in....exposure is the first step.

Fight. Call the Harley's and develop a strategy and strap on your jock...it isn't going to be easy, but you can come out of this intact and happy.

what kind of drug and how long have you been sober?

How did this impact your wife/family?

Why have you been apathetic about doing your best?

I was addicted to marijuana and have been sober for nearly 12 months

I think the reason behind my apathy is due to if I find it too hard I just give up.But I am trying to overcome this trait in me.

And do you really think going back (in the pain you are in) to where you were actively pursuing this addiction will make things better?

You are not thinking clearly. Leaving to go back home thinking it will punish her will NOT work. You DO NOT have to go back and you especially should NOT split up your children. Listen to the others. They've been giving you GREAT advice if you'll just act on it.

"I will be only taking one of our kids thats the agreement we have come to"

OK, at this point there really is no 'we' to be making agreements together. She and the OM chose to commit adultery together - without considering let alone consulting you. So just ignore that agreement you made with her and instead inform her that you will not be splitting up siblings and will not be giving up one of your children to her and the OM!

Whatever the source of your previous apathy, this is where that gets laid down, time to man up. You need to take a stand for your marriage and your family. Your WW and the OM will not get to make decisions about your marraige and your family - unless you allow them to...

If she wants to leave to be with OM then she can leave - without the children. Learn the language, get a job, you can do it - lots of people do it.

If you leave to go back to Australia take BOTH children with you.

Pottsy - she's playing you for a patsy.

Seriously - what woman would make such an agreement (or what man for that matter)

This is a sure sign she is out of her mind.

I agree very much with the other people recommending exposure particularly in the workplace - is this OM in a position of authority over your wife?

You have a lot of power here. KILL this affair dead. Stop listening to your wife's babble and don't make stupid agreements.

Man up son.

P:

We get a handful of moments in our lives that determine the course of everything else. Don't let yourself and your kids down!

What you do now will determine who you are 10, 15, 20 years from now, and what your kids will tell your grandkids about you. Don't blow it.

If you need support to do the right thing, we are all here behind you.

Just wanted to add that you shouldn't believe a single word a WS claims about the OP and exposure. The WS typically tries to claim that everybody already knows about and approves of the adultery. But for all you know the OM could be her married boss, and the company they work for and his wife don't know about the adultery, let alone approve of it.

Don't even discuss exposure, who knows and whether or not they approve, with your WW. Just expose ASAP to as many relevent people as you possibly can.

When I ask my wife is she wants to try and work this out she says she is trying do I take that as a positive or a negative in this situation.
She has told me that she has not had contact with OM in 4 days and she having withdrawals [her words not mine].But in saying that she does not volunteer the information I have to ask.
She still kisses hello and and in between goodnight hugs holds me in bed holds my hand all of that is that just out of habit.