My 36 year old friend, who is overseas, has just told me that she left her husband 3 months ago for a guy who sits opposite her at work. She had been with her husband for 7 years (2 married) but said they had been having problems for a while, arguing a lot, even though she said that he really does love her and cares for her.

She says the guy at work has always been really nice to her (although she is very good looking) and is very 'sensitive', which she didn't think her husband was. She has worked with the guy for 20 months but only started to 'fall in love' with him over a period of 2 months after a big row she had with her husband. She never had any feelings for the new guy before that.

She says the new guy is sensitive, however, he doesn't seem that sensitive to me when she told me he;
1. He told his wife that he had feelings for someone else (with her for 3 years) in a theme park when they were out with her son (not his son but he has been around from the ages 3 to 6 and the boy calls him 'Dad).
2. Still went home and had sex with his wife then for the next few days despite having told my friend a few days before that he loved her and wanted to be with her. He told her he did it out of 'guilt'.
3. Left my friend standing there alone when they bumped into her husband at a railway station 5 days after she left her husband for him.
4. It seems she is at least his 5th girl in 8 years - all from his office.
5. Her husband has complained that the guy has a smug grin the couple of times he has passed him at the office (yes, the husband works at the same office too, poor guy). She thinks the new guy has a 'nervous smile'.

She does have problems with her self esteem and I don't think she values herself as highly as she should do. Perhaps that's why she's with the new guy. She was always accusing her husband of having affairs even though he never did anything wrong (that we know of). She even said her husband asked her if she was very ill who would she want by her side and she admitted she'd want her husband. Neither can she say she's proud of the new guy.

It would be great to get the views and advice from anyone out there as I want to give her the best advice in this dangerous situation. She seems confused by the situation and says her 'head is numb'. I am the only person she has spoken to as she doesn't have any close friends where she lives and I want to make sure it's the best advice I can give her.

Thanks for your help.

Kudos on coming here to find out what advice to give your friend. When my WW turned to her BFF (a mutual friend), the BFF encouraged my WW to explore her secret relationship and even after I found out about the cheating, the BFF told her not to 'settle' for me (after 7-1/2 years of marriage).

You can clearly see that this OM is not so wonderful. Your friend cannot see that. She is in the fog, seeing only good about OM and unable to see things rationally. Although I think it is important for you to point out these facts and express your opinion of OM, I doubt you will be able to convince her. She has to withdraw from OM before she can start thinking straight again. And the only way to withdraw is to have No Contact with him anymore.

A few questions:
You said your friend 'left her husband.' Does that mean that she legally separated or divorced him; or just moved out?

Does the husband know about the OM? That is, does he know your friend is 'in love' with this guy? He should.

Does the office that they all work at have policies regarding inter-office romances or extra-marital affairs? If so, OM needs to be exposed to his workplace, so that he can be reprimanded appropriately.

Kudos again on wanting to give your friend the best advice and trying to find out what that is. If you do some reading here, you'll discover that this sort of situation is very common and not unique at all. You'll also find out that despite the WS thinking they are 'in love' with the OP, the affairs don't last and just bring pain and destruction to everyone.

Hi BHHFSGuy

She moved out after her husband found out. It was only the week before that she told the new guy she had feelings for him so she wasn't sleeping with the new guy before she left.

She has moved into a temporary place with the new guy to see how it works out. She basically only has her clothes with her. Her husband is still in their apartment.

Her father feels the new guy is just a crutch. Her husband is a good man but apparently got too focused on his work and as a result was not very relaxed. She knows he was only trying to be a success for their security and future.

He said he would get whatever help he needed to change but she said it would be easier to try again with her husband if she didn't have such strong feelings for the new guy.

I'm not sure about the office policy.

Thanks for your comments.I'm learning so much here and it will help me safeguard my own relationship and not take it for granted.
GBF1

I thought I'd check back in and see if anything has changed with the situation. If you want to get more advice, I suggest starting a thread in the General Questions II forum, as there is much more traffic there.

What your girl friend said about 'it would be easier to try again with her husband if she didn't have such strong feelings for the new guy' is very common among wayward wives. They generally always want to move out and try things out with the OM.

There are two ways for her to stop having 'strong feelings' for OM: 1) She goes back to live with her husband and has NC with OM for life. 2) She stays with OM and the fantasy of the A ends after a while (it always does).

Most of the hard work at saving the marriage at this point is on the BH, who should probably enter Plan B now that she's moved in with the OM. I would strongly encourage BH to call the Harleys for counseling. If the phone counseling is too expensive, he can call the radio show.

There's probably not a whole lot you can do but to express honestly how you feel about it (which, ideally, is that you feel it's wrong for her to continue cheating on her husband because it's extremely hurtful to him).

something smells funny

if i were the BH in this situation, there VERY FIRST thing i would have done would have been going straight to his boss... espeically if he had dated 8 other co-workers

yet there is no mention of that

you can't steal a co-worker's wife and expect nothing to happen... companies want people to work together... not have employees who are arch enemies

Thanks BHHFS & Charliethree

I'm not sure of their office policy there as she is in the middle of Europe (I'm in Australia). I have seen mention of 'Plan A' and 'Plan B' on some threads. Where can I find out what these are?

Also thanks for the advice on posting to the General Questions II forum. As she hasn't really spoken to anyone else about it I want to get as many independent opions to back up my own views to help her.

Thanks again
GBF1

The BH should be investigating this. The OM should be reprimanded if he is breaking any company rules. This will help to end the A. WW and OM will probably be furious, but so is anyone that gets in trouble for breaking the rules.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html
Also, follow the links in the Most Popular Links box: How to Survive Infidelity, Coping with Infidelity, etc.

I saw you posted to the Divorce/Divorcing forum. Again, I would recommend posting to the General Questions II forum, as there is much more activity there (although probably not today as it is an American holiday).

I will warn you that your girl friend will probably dismiss any advice you give to end her relationship with the OM. God could appear and tell her and she'd simply say 'He doesn't understand my feelings.' So don't take it personally. But don't give her your support for continuing the A.

Hi BHHFSGuy

Thank you so much for your help & advice. I am trying to find the General Questions II forum you refer to but can't seem to find it. Can you direct me?

Thanks again.

Thanks BHHFSGuy, I found it yesterday. I was looking for a main section titled 'General Questions II Forum' and there it was all along just below the original thread I posted. Duuuhhhh!