i was wondering any any WS could help me understand something. My husband moved back in and has since told the OW that he can no longer talk to her. he wants her to understand why and feels that he needs to contact her again to explain this. He says he is still unsure if he is willing to make our marriage work but since he has told this OW that he can't talk to her he has been more talkitive to me and nicer to me. Not the same as before but a lot better than the last month.

Should I trust him? He says he is sorry he hurt me but he still blames me for his unhappiness in our marriage that led him to have the affair. He tells me that he isn't in love with me but he will always love me. Is there hope that he will some day have feelings for me?

He has also said that he was leaving me before the affair started that he had given up on our marraige. He says the only reason he didn't leave was because i was pregnant. He didn't find this OW on purpose but still chose to sleep with her while i was pregnant. Is any of this real or is he just trying to justify things.

He keeps saying that he doesn't want to be here and i keep telling him i am not keeping him here, there's the door. He knows i would love for him to stay and try and make things work.

THe reason he is stopping talking to the OW is that i finally had enough and told him if he is going to live in this house he had to choose to either stay here and work on things and no longer talk to her or he was to get the heck out of the house and do as he pleased. Needless to say this was wed and he is still here.

I just feel like i am floating someplace in the middle of the ocean and there is no land to show me any hope. Are any of these actions hopeful in the least bit or are they just a game?

Bella,
weekends are slow, bumping you up for help from the wise ones here

God Bless,
Love in Christ,
Miss M

Pretty standard fare. My wife wanted to do this for months after she came home and recommitted to the marriage. How long was his affair and when was d-day?


Typical - he's going through withdrawal. If he maintains NC, it will continue to improve as he withdraws.


He has to earn trust over time. His blaming you is fairly typical. It was 6 months into recovery before I knew my wife really "got" it.


Again typical. If you work the MB program, following the 4 rules:

1. Being the source of each others greatest happiness (meeting EN's)
2. NOT being the source of their unhappiness (avoiding Love Busters)
3. 15 hours a week of undivided attention meeting intimate EN's of SF, Affection, Conversation and Recreational Companionship
4. Radical Honesty.

Do that effectively over time and you will both be in love again. Even more than ever.


BigK reaches up through the fog for the foghorn.

YEP. Justifications, Rationalisations, Re-Writing Marital History..... FOG


Ahhhhhhhh. The victim card - gotta love it. Good for you not falling for it.


Kudos to you for not letting him eat cake!


Lots of hope. Totally typical and you are right where I would expect you to be if his affair just ended in the last few weeks.

You are doing very well. Have hope. Have Faith in God.

Bella:

What BigK Said.

"i was wondering any any WS could help me understand something. My husband moved back in and has since told the OW that he can no longer talk to her. he wants her to understand why and feels that he needs to contact her again to explain this."

The first and second Line? GOOD.

The Third LINE? BAD?

WHAT DOES he need to EXPLAIN?

That he still wants her. That she is still important to him. Aad that I can't talk to you till xx/xx/xx because my W told me I can't talk to you now. Can we meet then?

NO CONTACT is exactly that, NO CONTACT.

IT was the ONLY thing that insured that my A didn't rtestart.

About 4 weeks after NC? I was P1SSED at OW for not calling! I mean, she was SO IN LOVE, and what type of effort did she put into getting in touch?

Not much.

But, I didn't CALL HER. And that made all the difference in the world. Make sure HIS CALL doesn't happen.

LG

D-day was 10/23/07.....he finally blurted it out to me. I was in total shock. The affair apparently started in june when i was 6 months pregnant with our first child. It was the third time i had been pregnant tho. He keeps saying that he had hit rock bottom at that point. THat i made him change into this person that he can't stand that he has done things that he is so not proud of.

See i am 26 and he is 30. We have been together for 6 1/2 yrs and he feels that i made him miserible most of the time and he didn't realize it until a year ago. That's when he said he was leaving. The affair started about 8 months later and was ongoing until i found out for 4 months.

I am not sure how to make sure that he has NC with her on the phone. I can't at his work all day he is an EMT and has tons of free time inbetween calls. HE has told me that he cares more for her than for how i feel and that he was really upset that when he heard that she had cried for 2 days he just feels the need for her to see why he is doing what he is doing. I told him last night i would like some insight into that as well.

HE said he feels like he has to start over with falling in love with me again and he can't do that right now. He has told me that nothing i do to fill his love bank will work that this is out of my control that right now he has to sort out his feelings for everyone involved.

i just feel like i am fighting a losing battle.... is this the case or is there still hope?

Bella:

Is this a losing battle?

No. Not unless you really start the fight.

HE Is talking to YOU. That's an excellent start.

Next, you state this:

"I can't at his work all day he is an EMT and has tons of free time inbetween calls."

I bet he was TALKING to HER ALL DAY.

So call him up.
Send him and email.
Send him a text msg.
Send him a picture of your two children.
Call and TALK to him.

That's how OW GOT in.

Because she was able to TALK to him.

Keep it light.
Keep it happy.
Get back to that woman you were when you two met.

And the stress of KIDS.... HUGE. For BOTH of you.

About this line:

"HE has told me that he cares more for her than for how i feel and that he was really upset that when he heard that she had cried for 2 days he just feels the need for her to see why he is doing what he is doing."

No. He feels the NEED to have SF with her again.

SHE CRIED for 2 DAYS? Poor baby. HOW MANY HAVE YOU CRIED?

I guess that doesn't really matter to him, does it?

Call him today. Just say "Hi! Wanted to hear your voice, and looking forward to you getting home tonight. love, NYGU"

And then listen to him, if he says anything, or just call him later.... How was lunch?

That's one way that helped me with withdrawal, I could call my W and talk with her, and she responded. She avioded the lovebusters, and DJ's, and just talked.

It's a place to start.

LG

i appreciate all the imput you are giving me. Trust me. The other problem is that they have very similar work scheduals they both only 3 days a week.... i work any where from 5-7 days.... that was one of his biggest problems was that i worked too much..... but i do make the most money he swears that doesn't bother him. I think deep down it does/did.

at any rate he is supposed to watch our daughter on his days off to save on child care. well when she was only a week old he too her too meet the OW while i was recovering from my c-section....i just found that out three weeks ago. i want to know how i can trust him not to take her there again....especially since she threatened to call children services on me.....i just hate being confused.

hen i try to talk to him or touch him he says he can't stand to look at me and has no desire for any kind of intamacy or to spend with me....i doo little loving things for him...and he says he doesn't care, that right now it is up to him to decide if HE will give me another chance to be let back in. See i am not an easy person. i have/had a temper that i could not control....since my daughter was born i grew up and realized my mistakes in life and our relationship, but he thinks it is all an act that it will end....for my daughters sake it can't.

i just don't know how to bring him out of the "fog." He has told me his only reason for happiness now is our daughter and that is the only reason to be there. will that change i hope so but i don't know how

Why would she threaten to call child services on you?? He took his ONE WEEK OLD child to see some woman he's having an A with and she is judging you? What is the basis for her "claim"?

Her basis is that my WH and i have had some very verbal fights in the past. And some in the car to the point i wanted out and he wouldn't let me out so i would grab the steering wheel to get him to pull over or try to put the car in park to get out. Again this hasn't happened in almsot 3 yrs and i have grown up a bit since then.

He has apparently told her all of my bad qualities and has told me that i am " a psycho and unfit to raise my child." My husband has tried to correct that but she says she is entitled to her opinion and he won't ever change that. She has said the only reason she hasn't called is because he is here. My fear would be if he went with this skank that the first time my kid has a scratch or a bruise i would have ppl up my butt for it.

#1 basic premise is that he maintains NC. Goodbye contact whatever is a big no-no.

He is in withdrawal and until he completes that he will not start re-attaching to you.

Is this OW married? Have you told her husband or partner about the affair?

Everything I first posted to you is valid. You are so new to this that it is all exactly spot on as I suspected it would be.

no she is not involved with anyone else. She is a year younger than i and has a four year old son from a previous guy that she had only known a month or two when she got pregnant.

I just don't know how to prevent him from talking to her. He said it's not what he wants that he very much wants to talk to her. He keeps his cell phone out of site from me so i don't snoop and i can't have th password to the account. Drives me up a wall he says he isn't hidding it but i know he is lying cause why else couldn't i find it. If he had nothing to hide there wouldn't be a problem. I asked him to write her a letter instead but he won't do that he just keeps saying he has to do things his way.

It just hurts when he tells me he loves me and will always love me that he just isn't in love with me he is in love with the tramp.

HOw do ensure he doesn't talk to her any more?

oh also he has been talking to "people" and these various ppl keep telling him he needs to go where his happiness is, and he tells me it is with this other person. That every bone in his boday tells him that. That there is part of him that wants to stay but a bigger part of him that says no it's not worth it and i won't change.

i dont know if this is all fog speak or what. I hate mind games i thought i was past this once i got married

OK.

His affair isn't over. It's ongoing.

I suggest you prepare for Plan B.

no i know it hasn't stopped yet.... this all just came out three weeks ago.... that and he also moved out for 10 days. He has since come back to the house and i told him that he either stay and not talk to her or get the heck out of the house. He has stayed. I know he is still sorta talking to her and i told him i am not going to tolerate it much longer and i will kick him out i have no quams about it. My sanity and my daughters life is more important

Excellent!

how long is he going to be angry with me and blame me and hate me for all of this. He says it is my fault he went outside the marriage that i changed him. yes i know that i didn't meet his EN and that this twit did. He says he is here for now but doesn't want to be here and doesn't want to talk to me or spend anytime with me.

How long is it going to last?

He says there are emotions inside of him that he can't tell me that he is just so angry inside. That now he doesn't know if he ever loved me.... is any of this true... i don't know but it hurts like ******

well i guess i am screwing up my chances with my husband. We have been arguing all day. It started last night when we went to dinner he changed his attitude half way threw. he told me it is cause he feels like a prisoner. He was invited to a party and can't go. I said we can go i'll get a babysitter. He said no he doesn't want to talk to me right now let alone do anything with me. He would rather be home and be miserible.

He gets so defensive over everything. Blames me for it all. He has shown me his phone and i have access to the cell phone account so i know he isn't talking to her. He is just so mean and i am not strong enough to stand there and not cry.

This am he told me that he doesn't know if every really loved me. He doesn't know if he could ever fall in love with me again... yada yada. It hurt so much. it sucks to hear that i am at fault for this that i drove him to cheat on me. I just want to know if this is just part of a phase and will end I just need to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel

I know arguing with him today and crying only pushes him to her and i don't want that either.

I just hate feeling so lost and confused all the time.

Bella - have you read the FAQ's here about infidelity? Read "Surviving an Affair"? You need to also read up about Plan A - see the "Just Found Out" forum here for a really good thread on Plan A by Pepperband.

I am going away for a week and won't be online so I hope your thread attracts some more people posting to you.

Good Luck.

Try and stop LoveBusting him!

Yes i have read all the above mentioned material. And he finally told me what set him off today. There is a party with that he wanted to go to with the ppl who work with the OW and he wanted to go. He says he wants his freedom and he is miserible cause he can't have it. he doesn't want to spend time with me. And he gets mad that i did this to him, and it hurts me so much.

He feels like i am the warden and he is so pissed off that he can't go out alone. all i asked him was to give me the chance to let me love him and he says he doesn't want that.

i keep asking why is he here and he doesn't know. i just want a magic wand to wash it all away.

Bella,

Takes two to argue...why not choose to not argue? When he speaks, listen to him and repeat back what you heard...calmly, respectfully...so you know what he feels is his...not the truth, his truth?

Withdrawal is a really hard place to be in. He's not having withdrawal symptoms because OW is real...she's not. I see you buying into his beliefs that you drove him to her...and you're not that powerful. None of us are.

He is struggling with all he has lost--trust, respect, belief--and projecting it onto you. Takes time to get to where reality shows him he chose...you can choose to live from this reality right now or not. Please don't buy into his fantasy...you can't argue reality into someone else. That's our limitation as humans.

"I hear you feel like a prisoner right now and that I am making you choose your marriage, is that correct?"

Respectful listen and repeat...to communicate clearly...not judge who's right or wrong. You know you cannot be a warden...you cannot imprison another human being. Certainly can feel frustrating to hit your limit of making him understand that, too.

Please know he's choosing not to go out alone...he's dealing with with withdrawal like he would from a drug...because A's do release a lot of drugs into our system. Up to you know, stay present, committed to your half of the marriage...and to not take on his truth as the truth. See his choices...he's choosing not to go to the party and have contact (NC includes hearing about AP from others). Know that choice. Devise something fun and recreational you both can do together.

During this time, my WH and I played darts, air hockey...let our children inside play together without A talk or R talk. We did this because both of us were very much in our own inner child...wishing it were different, not this way, seeing distortedly ourselves as powerless and trapped.

We weren't. Sure can feel that way.

Stop asking him why he is in NC and in your marriage. Instead, KNOW he's choosing you, his marriage...and no, doesn't mean he likes it right now...who would like to experience DT's when they stop drinking? They have a higher payoff...to break their addiction.

Would you consider looking up Alanon meetings in your area and going to one soon?

LA