I am new to posting to the forums. I have been here for a long time reading but first time posting.

Here is my story and I will try and keep it as short as possible. My H and I have been together 11 years last Sunday. We have been married for 8 years. We have 6 yr old twins (B and G) My H and I fell in love at first sght. We had been in love with each other before we even started dating. We then started dating and life was awesome. We have always been the best of friends and always accepted each other good and bad. Neither one of us were saints when we were single and we both knew where "we came from" After a few years of marriage before our children were born my H decided to have a sexual encounter with another women. Not an "affair"per se but a one noght stand. I knew about it immediately and we tried to work thru this. I forgave and he promised to never do this type of thing again. Then a year or so later he did this again with another women. Just a one night stand. He at that point started IC and was working thru his issues on why he did such a thing. Our sex life had always been great but he liked the feeling of someone "wanting him" Again I was some what understanding and forgave him. Well so I thought. I think all of these things that happened opened a door for me to have an affair. Not that I planned for this but I felt disconnected from my H and found someone who filled that emotional portion that I was lacking at home. This was with a person who is 1500 miles away and we only saw each other during work events 1-2 per yr. I saw this more of a friendship than and affair at the time. Now after reading more and hearing my husbands feelings I realize it was far more than just a friendship. This was a person who took me from my family emotional. My H found out about this affair May 4th. After finding out he went a little insane. He had been pining over a woman at work and ran to her after finding out what had been going on here. I threw him out of the house because he just wanted to stay together for financial reasons but continue a relationship with this other woman.

Since all of this happened (D-Day) I have broken things off with the OM and my H moved in with the OW. After 3 months of being apart and a huge blow up of my H calling the OM wife and me contacting the OW and telling her my H and I were still being intimate both of us realized it is not greener on the other side we have decided to give it the old college try and see if we can make things work.

We have been back together since Aug and things have been a major rollercoaster. Some of this due to the fact that he worked with this woman and had to see and deal with her on a daily basis. Never really having that NC. Mine was easier because I dont have to see the OM often if ever. She has since left the company and moved across the country---Yeah! I think he is now in the withdrawl period. He is depressed and has good days and bad ones. He is now telling me he is not in love with me. That he loves me and I am his best friend but he is not in love with me. "He doesnt feel it" I am doing everything to add units by doing things with him, admiring his accomplishments, being more affestionate, initating sexual contact with him. All of the things he wrote on his Marriage Builders questionaire. Yes he did fill it out. He has said that he sees the effort and appreciates it but he is not sure he will ever be in love with me again like the way he did before. He is so hurt he doesnt think he will ever let me in again. We have both hurt each other thru the years but have managed to still love each other and continue the friendship we have always had. I am working off of those things.

I am sorry about this being so long.

My questions is can you fall back in love with someone after so uch hurt? How long will the withdrawl period take and can he make it thru it? What do I do with the hurt feelings I get when he tells me he is not in love with me? I feel more in love with him now than I have in a quite some time. Any advise would help! I am desperate to make this work not just for me but for my children who adore him.


Deperate and hopeless in NJ

first of all, your H did have affairs. Make no mistake about that.
Second, did you ever EVER get physical in anyway? I ask that because you seem to have some problem identifying affairs.

Yes, you can fall back in love. Withdrawal will take a while...but it will never be complete unless there is zero...absolutely zero contact. YOU said you don't have to see the OM often if ever...well, which is it? YOU cannot ever see him again.

You guys have a tough road to navigate..but it has been done by many people here. the absolute first thing that should happen is that you both should be tested for STD's as half of all affairs result in an STD.
A call to the Harley's or a MB friendly MC is in order.
No contact letters should be sent.
EN questionnaires should be filled out as soon as possible.
Read all there is to read here and if you are SURE your H is no longer in an affair, have him come here as we should be able to help the both of you.

Good luck.

MEDC

Thanks for the reply. To answer some of your questions yes the relationship I had did get a physical one 3 occassions. I totally know now that it was an affair but when is began it seemed very innocent then all of the sudden I realized this was more than a friend. No physical contact had happened at that point but then eventually graduated to that.

What I mean by NC with the OM is that we work together and the only times I would ever see him would be work related and that is maybe once a year. My plan for that is to bring my husband with me because we can not afford for me to lose my job.

I just hope this will get easier and that he can/will fall back in love with me. Right now he is distant and I get tiny fragments of the man I married. I am just hoping it will work out.

He/I have done the EN questionaire and it was enlighting. He has not gone to the web site even though I have asked him to. Maybe in the future but not right now. He did do the forms and I was happy that that was a step in the right direction.

Any additonal advise would be great!

you MUST leave your job or get your duties changed so that is NEVER any contact. NC is the MOST important thing...despite career and family sacrifices, NC must happen. Read Dr. Harley's words on this.
What your family cannot afford is any reason for you to have even the slightest contact with this man. And really, how dare you even suggest putting your H through the humiliation of having to escort you and be in the company of the OM. That to me sounds like very foggy thinking.

I really am not able to offer you anything in terms of advice if NC will not be maintained at all costs. Trust me...people on this site have given up a lot more than a job to maintain NC. Others that have not , have paid a very heavy price.

Maybe I am not explaining things correctly. I work in NJ and the OM is in Fl. We never have contact. I have not spoken or seen him in almost 4 months. The possibility of seeing him is no where even on the calendar. So what I am saying is that we do not interact ever. So I am in a NC area. There has been and will not be any contact. I am commited to making my marriage work. I am doing everything I have read from Dr Harley and I am applying them to my daily life. I went thru a tuff time getting to this point. It has taken months to mourn that relationship and I am still mourning it but it is better. I no longer have the urge to call him or contact him.

Dr. Harley's words...

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

This is NOT NC for life. Your words, not mine.

I can see where your coming from. Its just very hard to express things completly. Just some history of my and the OM. We both have worked for the same company me 10 years him 15 years. In all of that time of working for the same company we have only encounter each other once. When I say that there is a chance of once a year that is just a guess. I have address it with my H and I told him if there was this possibilty that I would not go or take him with me . Pretty much what I was saying is that I am willing to do anything. So I can see your point on both sides of the embarassment for my H and the NC. So I would say after hearing that that if there is a occassiona where I would be in the same place as the OM I will do what ever it takes to not go.

Again, your words that you see him 1-2 times per year. You are back peddling for some reason. Seeing him is NOT the only contact. emails, phone ...any communication is contact.
You really need to leave your job.
What i do NOT understand is what appears to be an outright distortion here. You say you only saw him once in all the time you worked there...yet your post above is in direct conflict with that. How do you explain the discrepancy in your words?

your story is filled with odd little "issues." Are you telling me that it took you reading and hearing your H's feelings to KNOW that sleeping with another male was more than a friendship?

Ok Let me explain it one more time. I only ran into him once in a work enviroment. The 1-2 year was a work enviroment but at that point we were making reasons to see each other. IE: Showing up to meeting we really did not need to be at etc. I understand where your going with this but I am saying and telling you that I have not had any contact with this man and do not intend on having contact with him. We are 1500 miles apart and if an event comes up I will not go. Leaving my job is not an option and this is something that came from my husband as well as myself. Talking to him is also not something I am willing to do. I have opened all of my accounts, emails, phone bills, IM, Text messages to my H to show him that I have not had any contact with this person. I understand you think that there is a possiblity that I might see him but I am saying that unless I make excuses to go and see him there will be no reason to see him.

When you want to be honest about things, feel free to ask for help. Until that time...I suggest you look inside at why you have this need for continued evasiveness and deception.

I am being open and honest on this forum. I have been reading this web site for 6 months and this was the first time I felt I was able to post. I am looking for advise and I appreciate your comments. I dont know how else to explain that there is NC with me and the OM and there wil not be. I want nothing more than for my Husband and I to get to a good place and make this work. That is why I am here every day reading and applying the rules. I am trying all the things I can to make my marriage work. That other relationship was not a true relationship. It was made out of lies and deception.

Although it seems that mkeverydaycnt doesnt feel that I am being honest I have no way of proving that. In the electronic world it is hard to convey feelings and emotion over emails or forums. But all of what I have posted is honest and open and I am more than willing to continue to explain my situation if need be. But I came here for advise on making my marriage work not be drilled on if I am going to have contact with the OM. Which I have expressed already will not and can not happen. So if someone would be willing to help me with the questions I do have I would really appreciate it. And mkeverdaycnt thank you for being blunt but I was explaining things as best as I can.

you may have been, but your explanations had obvious contradictions that needed to be cleared up.

sorry, but I am pretty tuned into looking for inconsistencies in peoples stories...call it an occupational hazard.

have you both sent NC letters? If not then that should happen immediately.
If any or all of these affair partners for you or your H were married, their spouses need to be informed of the infidelity.

I would suggest that you speak with your boss and let him/her know that you cannot attend any business functions that include the OM. I also would suggest that you and your H are both not to be trusted on any over night business trips.

Are you spending 15 hours of uninterupted quality time with one another per week?

Have you considered coaching with the Harley's?

What is your plan? If you have been reading here for 6 months, you should pretty much know the drill. What is your plan to make sure an affair never enters your marriage again?

Have you both been tested for STD's?

And BTW, you 100% own your affair. Your H is not responsible for your actions or affair in any way. You understand that, right?

Welcome to MB'ers....I am sorry you have to be here....but as you know from reading...you can find help here.

Thanks! For the reply.

No letters have been written just verbal which I know is not the best way to do it. Bein my husband directly worked with this woman it was very difficult and he was on the verge of leaving the company when she stated she was leaving and moving to NM. She is not married but is a widow of less than one year. My side is that again it was a verbal thing but happened after my H called his wife. So it was very mutual on the NC.

I have spoken with my Boss and told her what happened. Not with names but that it was a co worker and explained that thos esituations would be difficult. She said we would work on that when those kinds of meetings arise.

No one has been tested for STD's but will address that.

I know that I am 100% responsible for my affair. I just have come to why I did it. I was missing something but I was not giving anything to deserve to get anything in return. So I understand that part. This is all just new.

We are spending every evening together and all weekend long together. This has been going well. Some bumps and nastiness but ok.

As for the overnight part now that is a touchy subject. Right now my husband is in CA cleaning up that oil spill in the bay. I am freaking out at home. We dont have that trust back sompletly and I am worried about a multitude of things and dealing with a lot of painful emaotions.

We have been communicating all day and sending pics and videos back and forth. Trying to keep him connected with home. We dont have to leave each often at all unless it is something as tragic as this. This is the second time he is away from hom and the longest. The first time was to TX and he was wonderful. Called all the time etc this one is a little different but there is a major time change. This subject is just a sore one.

Head spinning in NJ

O I missed a couple points. Both our families and friends know about the affairs. I made it a point to tell them all about mine as well as all of his. They all seems to rally behind me in getting him back home. The final straw was the day he introduced this woman to my children which in turn caused me to call her and tell her all the things he was doing behind her back with me. This was the final straw for her being she didnt think she had him to begin with. With that phone call it initiated my H to call the OM wife and expose the A to her.