Hi everyone. I need help. H just said he wants a divorce. As you know I am in a weak Plan B. Today forward I was going to go very dark. No games/practice anymore. Well H dropped off kids and asked me for the credit card statement. He wanted to see what our finances were. The conversation then led to divorce. I don't know how. I asked H if he wanted a divorce, and he said yes I do. (he was holding back tears) I'm assuning because he seemed so sure of his answer that this is the real deal. All the other times D was discussed the answer was either no I don't want a divorce or I guess so. (That was a week ago.) I am upset, but in a strange way I feel relieved. I have been in limbo for so long it just feels good to have a direct answer. What do I do now? I guess I don't have to do Plan B because he finally made up his mind. Or do I in case this is still fog talk. Is that what it is? Have others had their spouses say they wanted a divorce and actually end the affair and come back to the marriage?

It's more fog talk. He has no idea what he want. He "thinks" he wants two women in his life.

Just tell him you "don't do" divorce, without any emotion. Discuss it no further.

Continue to go into a deep, dark Plan B, and keep it darker than a well digger's backside.

How can you be sure that it is "fog talk" and not the real deal? I have a similar situaton and when I mentioned I got an attorney, I thought he was going to have a coronary. He continues to be very cold, almost mean to me. And continues to go towards the OW, I think he met her kids last night. His whole relationship with her is based on lies. I need to believe him when he says that it is over so that I can move on, but for some reason I still hold out hope. Any advice would be appreciated!!!

Babs, what do you mean by "real deal??" An affair is NOT a "real deal," it is a sham based on fraud and deceit. A marriage is the REAL DEAL.

Have you started your own thread so others can help you?

I mean how do I know for sure that a divorce is what he wants, he seems to really be pushing for it. But wants to do it with out attorneys. I told him that I wanted to wait until after the holidays and if he couldn't wait that he should file. I feel that I need to believe him and give up hope. He is so mean and cold to me, it is really painful. I am trying to go in to Plan B, but because of the kids it is difficult. I know his A is built on lies and deceit it's just that all signs point to the OW being the one that he wants. Therefore, the A seems more real to me now then our marriage. It's hard to know what's what these days.

I will start my own thread.

If you have still been communicating with him, you never did a good Plan B. He has not yet experienced life without you in it, so how can he really have made up his mind.

Refuse to cooperate in divorce proceedings at this time and Go black as night.

Who

Yes. Lots of them. It is infidelity running its course.

I think you need to calm down, Ani. This is a marathon, not a sprint. It all sounds pretty typical to me. Lots of FogTalk. Get into a good dark Plan B and protect yourself from this.

SDGuy-

I'm trying to calm down. This was the first time he came right out and said it. This has been going on a little over a year. He always used to hesitate when we would bring up D.

WS's are Fogged-Out-Zombies. They spew hurtful, triggering FogTalk. This is why you don't listen to them. Or you reverse-babble them.

Why did you ask him if he wanted a D? Why were you even discussing D? Why were you even conversing with him?

I don't actually want to know the answers to these questions because there's no good reason for doing any of these things. You shouldn't even do the first two in Plan A, much less Plan B.

A good, dark Plan B is going to work wonders for you, Ani. Are you going to continue with this thread, or your other one?

Yes, a divorce is what he wants. TODAY.


right, he wants to do it the EASIEST, FASTEST way in accordance to his DESIRES OF THE DAY. His desires will be different tomorrow. You should not cooperate. Tell him NO THANK YOU.


Call him back and tell him he is free to file anytime, but you will cooperate with nothing. That will take the wind out of his sails!


You should believe him! that is what he wants. TODAY. But it is no reason to give up hope!


Difficult, but certainly not impossible. People do it everyday around here.

YES!!!!!

Read my and my H's (tst) threads.

Yes, my H said it several times during our 9 month separation. And every time it cut like a knife, I would become an emotional wreck (after he left or got off the phone).

Most of the time he would call me back later wanting to know what it would be like if he came home. One of the last times he said it while I was still in plan A I finally decided to call him on it. I said ok, I'll call the realtor tomorrow. He went completely white and said, "whoa, whoa, whoa, no one said anything about that!" I said well, you said you were ready to move on and get a divorce, so the next natural step would be to put the house up for sale. He said (get ready for fog speak at it's best!!!) I never said I wanted a divorce.

This was literally minutes after he clearly stated he wanted a divorce.

That is where I finally gained my strength and knew that he wasn't going anywhere and plan B was going to rock his world! And it did.

We reconciled almost exactly 9 months after d-day #1. And last week we celebrated our 10 year anniversary. One of H's presents to me was a 2 page letter telling me how much he loves me and how he regrets the choices he made during that time. He said he had apologized to me but had never told me how much he regrets it.

Please have faith and patience in these plans.

I may get blasted for this, but the biggest mistake I see people make on here is going to plan B too fast. You have to be ready, your mind and heart have to be in sync.

Anyway, if you're interested you can find my story here

1st Installment


2nd installment

We had several "false recoveries" and A LOT of cake eating but we made it through and are stronger now than ever.

I wish you the best.

Daze

You know when you should believe that your husband wants a divorce?

When he goes out and gets an attorney, he makes sure you are served papers, he completes all required documentation, he attends all required classes, he waits out all the timeframes, and goes to court and gets a decree.

Until then -- they are nothing but WORDS!

Him SAYING he wants a divorce is WAY WAY WAY different than getting one.

He's hoping to dump it all in your lap. So don't bring it up, don't assist, don't file, don't offer to help, don't cooperate with his "mediation and no attorneys" method.

To quote Pep... egg zak lee!!!!!!!!!!!

Yep. We were days away from the final court date when I non-suited him. He didn't come back right then, but he never refiled and today we are happily recovered.

I am so new to posting but had to at least tell my story on this one.

I threw my H out on 5/31/07 because he wanted to stay together for financial reason but still see the OW. I could not stand for that. At that point I still continued to talk to him daily. He then hit me with wanting a divorce. I think this was because the OW was pushing him to do so. I even went to the point of hiring an attorney and meeting an mediator with my H. After reading more on this site I decided to take control of what was going on and initated a very dark plan B. I exposed as much as I could and stopped talking to him all together. No contact with me what so ever. I locked him out of the house and would only communicate with him thru email if it pertained to the children only. This drove him insane. This also put a major wedge between him and the OW.

Happy to say shortly after I started this no contact with him he found the OW not to be what he thought and eventually came back home.

Now this is all new so I am no way an expert in any of this but I know that using a dark Plan B worked for me. It was very painful to do to him but it worked. It's the whole tough love thing.

I hope my story helps in some way.

nohopeinnj-

You're story helped. Thanks for taking the time to write it.

As I was thinking back over this whole ordeal I do remember my H telling me about 1 1/2 year ago when he was thinking of moving out to find his old self again (this was before I knew of the A) that it would probably lead to divorce. We did see a mediator once about a year ago and nothing came of it. H said I was the one who wanted to go, so he just did what I wanted. I guess my point is that during the height of the A he didn't pursue a divorce so perhaps it is all talk.

Thanks for all the support. This is the second day of a good Plan b. i feel dwon. I'm not hopeless though. I just did a timeline of events since A started it has been two years now. During some of that time H said he was coming home after he moved out. Then he moved back home for 4 months. Then moved out again. He seems really confident this time about our marriage not working. Then of course he says he wants a divorce which he never said before. He wouldn't even tell me that three weeks ago. Now he seems OK with it. Do you think OW is maybe saying when you start the D process I'll consider being with you? If you read my main thread OW told me she was done with it all. Was mad at some of the things my H told me about her. Also, have video of their meeting each other while H was still living at home and the video did not look like they were very happy and into each other. In fact it looked like the whole thing was awkward and tense.