This is my first post so please bear w/me. My H and I have been married 3 ½ years and have a total of 5 kids, one mine from PM, 2 his from PM and 2 together. We have had a tumultuous relationship and I am in the military currently stationed away from home. My relationship with my H has been a roller coaster, full of good and bad. The past few months have been on the bad side, and from my point of view, it’s been on both of our parts. I will go into details of the relationship if you ask, but right now, there are so many that it will bog down the intent of this post.

My H has told me he wants a divorce (in an email to me at work, when he knew I couldn’t call and talk to him about it.) He has told me that he is unhappy and doesn’t want to be married anymore. He says he still loves me, but not ‘that way,’ anymore. Yes, it threw me for a loop because I didn’t want to admit that things were that bad, but looking back at the last few months I should have seen it coming but didn’t.

I do not want the divorce. I know how I approach him now will have a big impact on things. He is very angry with me right now, and is very easily provoked. I have tried to talk about what is going on between us, but haven’t pushed to hard because he seems to always want to pick a fight. I also feel that the more I try to ‘hang on’ to him, the more I am going to push him away. If giving him his freedom is what he feels he needs, I am not going to beg and plead and refuse to talk about it.

The thing is, from my point of view, I am getting mixed signals from him. He has a very hard time saying the word divorce. He says he doesn’t want to talk to me, but he stays on the phone with me for an hour at a time (I don’t call him everyday, and I do need to check on our kids and talk to them.) When I do talk to him he still used the words ‘we’ and ‘us.’ The last couple of times I called were to check on the kids and generally just find out how they are doing. He has brought up ‘what are we going to do about things,’ meaning the divorce. When I agree that we need to talk about the details, he starts getting angry and catches an attitude. I don’t know if it’s because he doesn’t truly want the divorce or if he just expects me to roll over and give him what he wants because I don’t want it. He really threw me for a loop today when he asked me if I was going to file the papers. I have not given him any indication that I have wanted this, so I don’t why he was asking me that question. I was so tempted to get angry with him about it, but I didn’t. Another thing I’m getting confused about is that he still expects our finances to be joint. He wants to be able to still have access to my money (he doesn’t right now, but I ensure he has what he needs for the kids) but he got very indigent when I wanted to talk to him about what he expected expenses to be for the next month so I know how much to give him.

I need help in understanding my husband’s actions. I don’t want the divorce, but I am not going to be stupid and try to appease him by letting him set all the terms of the divorce. I know at this point I need to let his anger subside before I can begin trying to talk to him to possibly work on things. I also know that it isn’t final until the judge signs the papers so until then, I want to try and save my marriage.
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Not to be crude, but how do you think your 'bedroom' affairs are? The first thing I think about when a wife is away is, how is the man meeting his sexual fulfillment. Nothing against the men, but I know they often feel a stronger need to stay satisfied. If he's getting dissatisfied by the fact that you're not around often enough, it could be a huuuuge problem for him.

Second, he's home alone taking care of 5 kids? Wow. My second thought was, no wonder he wants out. I can count on one hand the number of men I've met who would be willing to, or capable of, handling that.

I can see from here the high level of stress involved, if what I'm assuming is true. Now, to get back to the basic concepts of this website, I'd recommend just starting to read everything you can get your hands on here. It is a LOT to digest, so take it slowly.

If you are in any kind of conversation mode with your H, I recommend telling him about this great website you've found that will help you guys figure out if you can make things work, and/or how to make things better. If he's open, there is a lot of stuff here you can do together.

But first, I'd try really hard to see if he hasn't found some 'external' companionship to help him make it through the lonely times without you. Sorry to be rude about it, but if you're going to be honest with yourself, and you need to be at this point, it surely sounds like he's found an easier, more fun road to hoe. It could really affect whether you can make the marriage work.

I understand that it is easy to think that he is having an affair. I'm not getting the normal indications that he is having an affair and I feel that he is so intent on hurting me right now, that he would definately throw that in there if he were. His personality is not one to hide it if he were having one. I could never be 100% sure, but right now I don't think so and I don't have reason to suspect it. We have also seen each other several times within the past year, the last time being the beginning of the month. All I can say is that the sex was great! There were no secret phone calls, and he didn't try to make excuses to leave or things like that. During the time that I saw him, he seemed depressed to me, like the whole world is on his shoulders. We got along pretty good, but had one fight where he got extremely upset, but no violence.

I have been cheated on before, more than once, and this time I'm not feeling that he is.

He is taking care of our 2 kids full time and his 2 kids part time. My oldest is staying with my sister. I know that is a big stressor for him. He is living near his family right now and does have lots and lots of help with them. Not that what he's doing taking care of them is a big responsiblity.

I am going through the website and it is alot of information.

I just don't know if he is sending me mixed signals or if I'm reading into things. We talked on the phone again tonite, and he was mean and abrasive. It seems to me that the calmer I am, the more angry he gets. I asked him why he is so angry with me, and he did say that if he is angry at me, he doesn't hurt so much.

Hurt about what? Did you ask him?

He wouldn't tell me what he's hurt about. I called on Thanksgiving to wish him a nice holiday and he was still cool to me, but he was nice. Maybe because it was Thanksgiving. Once again I got confused because he wouldn't hang up the phone. He actually told me that if we were done talking that I needed to hang up because he wouldn't. It might have been an opportunity for me to talk to him, but he was at his sister's for dinner and I felt that it was the wrong time to try to talk about things. One reason I felt that way is because I could here the family in the back ground. Some of them even told him to tell me Happy Thanksgiving as well. I sometimes wonder if he has expressed his desire for a divorce to them becuase they were talking and acting as if everything was normal.

Have you had a chance to talk things over yet?

I have had a chance to talk to him. It was a very interesting and heart felt conversation. He did talk to me some about why he is hurting.

In my first post, I did not go into some of the problems we have so now is as good of time as any. Our relationship has been a roller coaster. When it is good, it is good and when it is bad it is bad. We have argued, alot, and how we both handle the arguements is aweful. I always thought that since I didn't call him names that I was doing good. I now know that I have hurt him deeply with the things I have said and how I have said it.

Part of the problem is he now feels like less of a man (yes, big LBs involved) and he doesn't think he will ever be the man he was or the man I want him to be. I say part of the problem because I feel that there will be more explanation of the pain to come.

For me, it was very painful conversation to have with him, because he was trying to show me how he sees me.

I am also very grateful and encouraged by the conversation because he also told me that he still loves me deeply, (much better than the I love but I'm not in love with you!!) and that there is no one else for him. He also said he had things to think about and that he might consider separation instead of divorce.

I know that we are not out of the woods yet, though. I have been doing alot of soul searching, reading, and learning through this process. I have tried for so long to change him, but now I know I can't, I can only change me. I don't want to treat him the way that I did before.

I had a short conversation with him again tonight, and for the first time he didn't try to start an argument. He also asked a few questions about me.

I am more hopeful now, but I think I am still going to need alot of help.

Sounds like great progress, lmm. Keep it up, and you'll be find however it turns out. But it sounds like it may just turn out fine! Honesty is everything!

I haven't been able to talk to my H much in the last week, mainly because we have both been working so much. We have had a few short conversations, mainly about the kids and one about how I was sorry for the things that I had done. (He did tell me that he forgives me!) He hasn't been cold or arguementative towards me though.

I am also at a crossroads for my career. I have decided to get out of the military for several reasons. He knows I was considering getting out, but he doesn't know I have made my decision. (Made it yesterday in fact.) As it stands right now, I have about 40 days left of actual work and then I will go home on terminal leave for a few months before I have to start work again. For what I do, there are no jobs near where he is, but I have had several job offers, ranging from a few hours away to several states away. I have to make my decision soon, probably before the first of the year, before I get home.

Here is where I find my problem. Yes, I want things to work out for us, and I know being several states away will make it very hard. My H has showed signs of waivering on if he wants the divorce, but still hasn't said he wants to try reconciliation. I don't know how talk to him about the decision of where I want to go after I get out.

I know right now if I ask him if he would consider reconciliation he would stand his ground and say no. I do want his opinion of where I decide to go, but I am also afraid that if he is considering trying again, that he may feel that I am trying to force him to decide and he will pull farther away from me.

I feel like I am being pulled in two different directions. I do want things to work out with my H, but I also have to look at providing for my children, and the better paying job is very far away. I know I have to make the final decision and my marriage is by far more important to me than job, but sometimes (depending on my H's mood) I feel like I am throwing effort after foolishness.