I'm here..I'll be waiting for ya...

Hi! I can't believe I saw this...thank you!

My WH has moved out and wants to file for divorce. He is very adamant about this. So much so that he is trying to find a way around the 1 year separation period that is mandatory for our state. I of course have told him I do not want a divorce and that I will do nothing to participate. If he gives me separation papers then I will decide if I should sign them or not.

Everything happened very fast. One day he was here and the next he was gone and wanting a divorce. At this time he does not have OW. I can't tell you how I know, but I do. I also know that he is really wanting to play the single guy life in the big city. All his friends are either divorced and single. All communication with me is via email. He seems to be afraid to talk to me. He is NOT himself. My children are each handling this is their own way.

The latest thing is I asked him about Thanksgiving. I told him that the kids and I would like to spend the day with him. He said he does not want to be all together because that would give the kids the wrong impression. He suggested the kids spending Wednesday with him and Thursday with him. I told the older two and they said absolutely not. So, I told him the kids and I would be having Thanksgiving dinner at our home and he was welcome to come if he wants. I don't anticipate him coming.

I truly believe that RIGHT NOW he does want a divorce. I am hoping that I can come up with a plan to save my marriage but also prepare myself if this really happens. I am trying my best to be the best me I can be. He came by the house last week to drop off DS after hockey. I had all the candles burning so the hose smelled great and a fire in the fireplace. I wanted to make it homey so he would maybe miss it.

Can you talk me through this? I would welcome anyone else as well. Mimi has just been the one who has been by my side for a long time.

Thank you for responding to my plea on your post.

I still think it's wise for you to consult with a lawyer. If I recall your situation, you are due for ample SPOUSAL and CHILD SUPPORT. Make sure that you get ALL that is DUE to you since he is wanting to ABANDON his family. Try to do YOUR PART to keep him from trying to BEND ANY RULES.



I agree with this..EXCEPT for the part about DOING NOTHING TO PARTICPATE..Goes like this: "I don't want a divorce but if YOU choose to pursue this I will take the steps necessary to care and provide for myself and OUR children"..."I don't want you UNTIL you want me"...





Take these straight to your lawyer. Go ahead and sign them if the provisions suit you. Let him PAY for the LEGAL SEPARATION that he is wanting.

I ENCOURAGE YOU TO GO INTO PLAN B after the separation is made LEGAL. This has gone on long enough, IMO.



He's been there IN BODY..but not EMOTIONALLY, right?



PERFECT!!



IMO, the BEST PLAN for YOU and YOUR MARRIAGE is PLAN B at this point.

Do all your preparations FOR THAT...

Let's talk some more about what concerns you about PLAN B?

I lend my support, Zorro, to what Mimi said above.

You don't want the separation or divorce, and we (BS's) understand that. But, and it's a "big but," your husband is in the fog of wanting his "singlehood," despite the VOWS he took when he CHOSE to "give up the single life." He has reverted to an extreme form of selfishness and it could cause severe damage to you and the children before he wakes up and gets his head out of his backside.

PROTECT yourself and the children, financially and legally.

Get everything prepared in that area so that you are ready to implement a "Strict Plan B" where he can have a "taste" of you and the children no longer being ANY part of his life. Let him (in Plan B) feel the full weight of HIS decision. You didn't "kick him out," he left and abandoned you by HIS choice and you are simply "doing what he wants," you are taking responsibility for yourself and your children to protect the family from selfishness that could (and will) harm the family. Your children will also (though they may not say it) welcome your clear stand FOR marriage and "good values" and "good judgment" as contrasted with the self-absorbtion of foggy Wayward Spouses.

God bless.

Thank you Mimi and foreverhers! I feel very blessed to have the two of you giving me advice.

I agree that I need a lawyer. My WH wants to do tis online divorce thing to try and save money. He also wanted to say he abandoned me one year ago so the process would move along faster. Of course I told him I would never sign anything that had false information on it so now he is filing legal separation papers like he is supposed to. I guess when all is said and done we will be separated for a year and then he can file for divorce. When he hands me the papers I will take them to a lawyer for review.

I agree Plan B is going to be the way to go. I feel like the holidays are not the time to have no communcation with each other. I think that right after the new year I go into Plan B. I am going to have to be very creative, because our lives are so intertwined with hockey. I work in the rink that he coaches in so I will have to change my hours so I do not see him when he comes to practice. I know nothing is impossible and I will do everything within my power to do a good Plan B.

What do the two of you think about that?

My WH is still saying he does not want to come "home" for Thanksgiving. He feels it will give DS10 the wrong idea that we are a family when we are not. I again told him where we would be and that he is welcome to come here. I don't think he will. I hope he is sad.

After further research I think OW is back in the picture. They must have been "broken up" when WH left me so that he could say there was no OW. I feel pretty sure there must have been pressure from her for him to leave me. WH is baaaaaad in the fog right now.

I am not sure if my marriage can ever be saved, but I will do all the steps to try my best. WH is dead set on a divorce right now. It's weird to hear him talk about it. Some days are better than others. I feel sad because of the holidays.

Thanks again!

Back to you later, too, Z..

I think YOUR PLAN sounds GREAT!

I was SMELLING THE OW STINK in this...



Not saying your situation will turn out like mine but I hope it helps to know that my H "said" that he wanted a divorce, too. I'm not sure if it was a show for her or not but I know she was pressuring him to leave me. I think this is part of the typical scenario for them.

And it's the DRACULA in them the more they feel pressured to be with the family...like at Thanksgiving..the more they want to FLEE...in order to RUN from the SHAME of it.

Be proud of who you are, Z..SUCH A WONDERFUL WIFE AND MOTHER, FIGHTING TO KEEP HER FAMILY TOGETHER....

My WH really is NOT coming here for Thanksgiving. It is going to be a very weird day for us. I suggested to my kids that we go out to eat and they said absolutely NOT! They all want turkey and all the trimmings home cooked so that is what I will do. I thought maybe we could go to a movie as well. We are leaving Friday morning for a hockey tournament so at least the weekend will be busy.

I feel like I am living someone elses life right now. WH has completely separated himself from this family. He has not spoken to DS10 since MONDAY. He text messages DS18 and DD20 I think, but does not talk to any of us. I can not believe he will not be here for Thanksgiving. I guess this is his statement that he REALLY wants out of this marriage. Message received LOUD AND CLEAR!

I want to fight for my family. I will do what I can even though it is feeling pretty hopeless right now.

A question for you...I have access to my WH email. I am drawn to look at it to see if I can find out what my WH is doing. Do you think this is a good idea or a bad idea. If I don't read it then I will know NOTHING that he is doing. Maybe that is what I need to preserve my love for him. What do you think?

Feeling sad but trying to be strong! Thanks for the support.

NO!! This is his statement that he is AN ACTIVE WAYWARD SPOUSE...getting his DRUG FIX...he's staying HIGH..he doesn't know or care what holiday it is...CRAZY ALIEN...



It may FEEL hopeless but it is NOT HOPELESS..just like Believer said on the other thread..only 3% of affairs last..that has been a consistent finding..



At this point, KNOWLEDGE IS POWER..cause you have to be fully prepared for protecting your family and going into PLAN B..you have to KNOW THE ENEMY's STRATEGIES in order to WAGE BATTLE...

Darkness is for PLAN B..you're not quite there YET...

I still think you are doing GREAT to go on with THANKSGIVING and the TOURNAMENT..WONDERFULL!!

Zorro - HE has all the information and is keeping you in the dark AND he wants you to not "fight for the marriage" and do things the "easy, inexpensive way."

He can't, or won't, see that there is nothing "easy" about what he is doing. All he wants is what HE wants, so I agree with Mimi, this is "Wayward Spouse speak" and actions.

SNOOP. Snoop for the information that he might be making available to anyone BUT you. Do not let him know that you are snooping but get information so you will know better what you are dealing with and to have "intel" on how to "fight" for your marriage, or to have for your attorney should your husband continue to be "stupid."

God bless.

I now KNOW that he is still with OW. What a lying, cheating jerk.

WH did not come home for Thanksgiving. It was the saddest day of my life. The kids and I did cook and eat, but we were all sad he was not here. Kids and I went to the tournament and just got home. It was good to be away. Now I am home and hate it.

I don't know how to fight this. He has moved out and is still with OW. She has been around for about 2 years now off and on. Maybe she is the real thing for him. Maybe I am losing him forever?

How do I hold on and what do I do until I can go into Plan B?

I honestly feel like my situation is hopeless. I don't believe WH will ever come back. He is dead set on divorce. I need to prepare myself for this, but how?

As painful as I KNOW that this is, it is VALUABLE INFORMATION for you. He can't throw out the LIE that he JUST WANTS A DIVORCE. You can now tell him that YOU KNOW that he is ABANDONING HIS FAMILY to be with ANOTHER WOMAN.



I empathize with you, Z. You are not alone HERE. I remember how my H left me right before Mother's Day and my boys were BEGGING me TO EAT, saying: "You'll always have US..."...such an AWFUL, AWFUL DAY...

You can SURVIVE and YOU WILL just as I did and I have...



As you MAY KNOW, this was EXACTLY the case for me.

You ABSOLUTELY have the AMMUNITION to fight this. It's been going on for two years. He could have left a long time ago..but HE COULDN'T...because of his feelings for YOU and his children..because he knows what he is doing is WRONG...



The real thing for him..a sleazy woman who will encourage a man to leave his family...give him over to her so he can learn who she REALLY is...that's YOUR PLAN...



Again, I really UNDERSTAND that FEELING. But, IN REALITY, using statistics, there is a LOW LIKELIHOOD of this. You are more likely to not want HIM back. Read what Believer says about her H wanting her back and now SHE is FINISHED with HIM.



You do need to LET HIM GO FOR NOW. But your situation is NOT HOPELESS. My H SEEMED dead set on DIVORCE, saying to me, "Face it, it's over". It's the SAME OLD, SAME OLD WS SCRIPT...

It's hard to grasp because it doesn't fit with all that we've been told. But, you have a GREATER CHANCE to RECONCILE if HE BELIEVES, REALLY BELIEVES that you are WILLING TO LET HIM GO. I looked my H straight in the face with determination and utmost sincerity and said: "I DON'T WANT YOU UNTIL YOU WANT ME"...that was a real turning point..I'll never forget his look of AMAZEMENT..He thought I be sitting there FOREVER waiting for him until he finished PLAYING or whatever..trying out the free and easy life...

BE WILLING TO HOLD ON AND WAIT...because he will be back..the question is will you still be there waiting...

Mimi - I hear you and thank you! I do need to LET HIM GO. I think that I am accomplishing that slowly. I KNOW that this man is NOT my husband. He is my WH. He has a girlfriend and is having an AFFAIR.

I did not realize that your WH had a long term affair. Sometimes I feel like he just does NOT want to be with me EVER. He seems so adamant to NOT be with me. I know..WH script!!!

I told him I KNOW you are having an affair and are leaving me for her. OF COURSE...he denies! Why?? Why deny when that is what you want? Weird...

I wish I had the confidence that he will be back, but I'm just not so sure. I am going to try and preserve my love for him because I want my HUSBAND back and I want my children to have a FAMILY.

My DD20 is ANGRY with her father. My DS18 is sad and misses his Dad and is angry he did this to us. My DS10 has shown VERY little emotion other than the day I told him Dad did not want to be married to me anymore. I asked him on Thanksgiving if he was sad ad he said, no mad. I worry about the children. They are my life.

I guess right now I am trying to get my ducks in a row so that I can go to Plan B after the holidays.

Will I be waiting??? I hope so.

It's been about 4 years..but NOW there's HEALING and BONDING in my H's relationship with our 21 year old who was in HIGH SCHOOL when it all was happening.

It's a MIRACLE...

Today my H actually picked up the phone and called him and they had a conversation...this is the son who for years has hardly spoken a sentence to him...

TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS....your children will be fine...they had years and years within a happy and loving family...

Because he knows that what he is doing is WRONG...

This is not a NORMAL RELATIONSHIP..it is AN AFFAIR.. A SICK RELATIONSHIP built on LIES AND DECEIT..

Oh Zorro,

I so feel your sadness and pain and am experiencing the same thing. I am only into this 6 months and my husband is off living with his OW.

He told me the same things and has just abandoned his kids. He has nothing to do with the middle son and the older two, barely any contact. He is NOT their father and the alien even tries to HURT his kids.

I like you am terrified of pushing the wrong buttons and losing him forever. The part that I know is I HAVE enough love and faith in my HUSBAND to hold out. Especially when everyone says the A will end. I just wish it were sooner rather than later.

Keep coming here and asking for support. It really helped me in the beginning when death seemed like the best option.

Ok Mimi and Believer, What makes the 3% last, is there any information on that one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Zorro, we can support each other through this with the help of the experts and give each other strength to do what they suggest. I like you, am deathly afraid of making him think he has lost me. But right now I am in Plan A, giving him a good taste of what life at home could be. And waiting for the right timing to go into Plan B.

Are you a praying woman?

SG

Mimi - I am happy that your husband and son now have a relationship. I know that my children are going to lose at least part of their relationship with their father, but i do hope and pray they get it back some day. My WH is solely to blame and he will have to come to realize this one day. The reaction of my DS10 really baffles me. I thought he would be so distraught, but he doesn't appear to be.

My friend gave me a journal for my birthday today. I think that is going to be a good thing to have.

skinsgal - thank you so much for dropping in on my thread. I have read your sitation and feel that there are a lot of similariies. My Wh is not living with Ow...yet. My WH will not even acknowledge that there is a OW. I KNOW there is, but still he denies. I think it's weird. I mean, he moved out and said he does not want to be married to me, so why not just ADMIT IT?!?

I feel sad every day, but don't dwell on it. I miss my HUSBAND. I miss the man I know he can be. I know that I am in the right and no matter what happens I will be ok, but still it makes me sad.

My plan is to go into Plan B after the holidays. It is going to be difficult for many reasons. I do think it is going to be necessary.

I will check in on your thread.

Am I a praying woman?

I used to have a lot of faith. I think I still do deep down. I would like to get that back, but am not sure how.

Just checking in. No real changes here. I think that WH is preparing a LS so I am waiting to get and review that.

I miss him. I think I have finally put my love for him in a jar and put it on the shelf for later use. I do hope I get to use it again. Life is weird without him.

More later...

Just a bit of an update. I am not really sure what to do. My plan is to go into Plan B after the holidays. So I guess that means I am in Plan A. My WH emails and text messages me all the time. Never personal, but always seems to find something he needs to tell me or talk to me about. A lot of the time it is the kids and other times just stuff. I respond and talk to him as well, but I find this weird.

I guess this would be classic cake eating. He is living out of our house as a single man and yet still has this connection to home.

Is this what I should be doing? I really feel like he has the best of both worlds. So why would he ever want to come home if he can have his single life and his family as well? Advice?

I am doing remarkably well. I feel sad but I think my heart and mind are finally getting in sync. I KNOW that I deserve better than the way he treats me. I DESERVE a man who loves and RESPECTS me. I hope that one day my WH becomes that man again. I have put my love for him on a shelf for now and one day I hope to rekindle all that we used to have.

It's weird because my husband and I have always gotten along so well. We still do. So WHY would he NOT want to be married? I believe that my WH has changed. So he may never become my HUSBAND again. He has been through a few traumatic events in his life that changed him and he has never fully addressed...Sept. 11, Iraq, the death of both parents, retireing from the military.

I still hold out hope for my marriage and will do everything I can to save it. I guess I am looking for reassurance that I am doing the right things. Or should I be doing something different?