I'm feeling a little guilt right now. The holidays are coming up and I'm really feeling sorry for my husband. I'm going to my sister's house with my kids for Thanksgiving. They'll be about 20 people there so it'll be a great time. STBX asked me what I was doing and I told him, he said to me, "well, I guess I'll cook for myself but I deserve it" I know I just need to break contact with him as it's really starting to affect me, but because of the house situation, etc., that's not possible right now. He called me last night and asked me to go to his family's Christmas dinner which is about 9 hours away. His family doesn't know anything so we would be "pretending" that everything is normal and they would put us in a bedroom to sleep together. How do I tell him no without devasting him. Isn't this weird, he tore my heart out and I'm concerned that his heart is breaking. Any advise on what to do? I'm really beginning to become withdrawn again because I'm feeling guilty. Is this manipultion on his part? Help! I truly don't know how to handle this.

The kindest thing you can do for your H is not to protect him from the consequences of his actions. That is how people learn from their mistakes. Tell him you are sure sorry he is spending the holidays alone and leave it at that.

I don't know your situation, but I take it your H is having an affair?

Does his family about your impending D? Do you plan to inform them on your own, or together with him, or are you leaving it up to him?



It just shows that you still have feelings for him. However, I think you should be concerned that it seems that he wants you to "pretend" that everything is all right, when it isn't. To me, that shows that he's more concerned about appearances than anything else.

OTOH - perhaps he's already told his family and they want to use that opportunity to talk to you about your choice to D him.

My STBX "had" an affair. It lasted a year and occurred one year after our marriage. We tried reconciling, but it just wasn't in me to move forward with him. It always seemed to be a temporary thing, I never was comfortable so I called it. I'm healed, ready to move on, and he doesn't know what to do. He seems so devastated, but yet this is exactly what the consequences are for an affair. I just can't get over how guilty I feel about the marriage breaking up. This is a stupid way of thinking, yet I still find myself wanting to comfort him but then I know if I do, the cycle starts all over again and I sure don't want that to happen. I've come to far. I don't want to be married to this man.

I think it's up to him.



Oh that would be him. Appearances is ever so important to him. He has to have the fancy car, fancy house, all the while he's broke but at least he doesn't look broke.



If that were the case, I certainly wouldn't go. I would not want that kind of pressure.

not, I don't think that is guilt, because you did nothing wrong, but rather SADNESS. And I can understand why you feel sad for him.

But look at it this way, his sadness is THERAPEUTIC for him. People change only when the pain becomes too great, otherwise, they have no motive to change. In his case, pain is his MEDICINE. His adultery destroyed his marriage and he needs to learn from that mistake lest he do it all over again the next time.

Well, adultery destroyed his first marriage. His wife cheated on him. I don't know if he'll ever learn. He became involved with the OW because her H was cheating on her and he was counseling her. It makes me sick even to write this.....

When you M'd your H, they became your family as well as his. I think in this situation you should take the initiative and inform them. If anything, it should show your H that you are serious about the decision you've taken to end the M.


If you inform them yourself, you'll find out soon enough if this is what they were thinking of doing.

Of course I do. I'm not heartless and I hate the thought of a stranger being alone during the holiday, must less someone I know.

If I told his family, don't you think that I would be just causing unnecesarry heartache for them? My STBX would be so embarrassed and humiliated, I'm not sure he could face his family and I don't want him to feel like that, especially over the holidays. I want to D him, I don't want to destroy him and if I told his family, he would be somewhat thrown out of the family sort of speak. They would never tolerate his behavior.

You should not protect your WH from the consequences of his own actions.

Here's an example: Say a coworker admitted to you that he/she stole from the company you work at. Should you not tell the company about this theft? You could argue that 'I don't want coworker to get fired. That would be devastating and humiliating for them.' If the coworker got fired, it would rightfully be for stealing, not because of you.

If your WH can't face his family because of his actions, that's entirely his own fault, not yours. He will have to see that actions have consequences. If they do not, there's little incentive for him to change his actions.

NYGU,

Do you want to live in truth or in lies? If I remember correctly, your DDay was a little over two years ago. You didn't have a choice during FWH's A to live in truth...he withheld it from you. He lied.

He withheld from you because he believed his choices would hurt you...was protecting you...probably thought you wouldn't tolerate his behavior, too.

These are the grandparents of your children, correct? They will always be in your children's lives. Choosing to live in the truth would set a great example for them. They have nothing to be ashamed of, nor do you. You're choosing to divorce...already filed for Legal Separation and moved out, is that correct?

I see owning the truth to those who it affects helps the BS to not do what was done to them...and provides them the opportunity to experience that the FWS's choices weren't about them...not in their control.

Choice is yours...and your FWH's...he may have already told them, part of his amends and boundary enforcement around protecting his marriage. Don't know. Would be a great choice for your STBX to live in truth, too, and experience the joy of living within his own responsibility for what he can control and cannot...lying by omission blurs those lines into broad, messy strokes.

LA

Well, my kids are not his so they’re no ties there with his family. My kids are actually strangers to his family so there isn’t any type of bond there to sever.

Back when I found out about his A, some 3 plus years, I immediately called his brother and sister to tell them what happened. They excused it off as being a mid-life crises because their dad just died. But they also know that we’ve been reconciling and don’t have any reason to believe anything differently. I think this will come as a shock when they know that I’ve left and filed for a legal separation. I refrained from ever telling his mom because she had lost her husband of 52 years and I didn’t want to risk giving her a heart attack or something worse. BTW, when I told my STBX about me telling his brother & sister way back when, he was very angry and told me that thanks to me he couldn’t ever go home and wanted to know why I did that. What a crock, because of “ME” he couldn’t go home, like he didn’t have a dang thing to do with it.

Okay, how much should I tell his family? Should I tell them the reason that I want a divorce is because “I” couldn’t get over his A. How should I approach this? I really don’t have any conversation with them except around the holidays when we went to visit.

They are eventually going to find out anyway. Would you prefer that they hear your STBXH's "version" of your how M came to end?

I suggest calling them, and simply informing them in a straightforward manner: "I just wanted to let you know that I've asked XX for a D. I'm really sorry that it's come to this, but since his cheating a few years ago, I have not been able to see him again as the person I want to spend the rest of my life with... (etc)."

Stop sheltering your STBXH from the consequences of HIS actions.

And BTW, I do know how you feel at the moment. While I've chosen to remain M'd to my FWW, there are times that I wonder if I'm doing the right thing by continuing the M. Then I see my two children and I'm reminded that because of them this M is still worth fighting for, and I exercise some more patience <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

I guess I'm a little confused. I believe I read somewhere in my previous thread that someone posted that after 2 years of reconciling, I can't blame the break-up on the A. It is however why I'm calling off the marraige. My point is after 2 plus years of faking it, you all think it still would be wise to tell his family.

What about his office? Should I tell them?

You know if I do this stuff, he'll wind up hating me. We are still friends, but if I did this, he would no longer be cordial to me and I think he would become very hateful and nasty.

IMO, since 1) you are divorcing your FWS, 2) have no children together that would be ties to his family, and 3) were never very close to his family and have no plans to continue a relationship with them...then why would you be obgliged to tell his family why you are not coming to dinner?

IF you were in Plan B and trying to salvage the marriage or IF you were personally invited by a member of his family, then I'd think very differently. But, you are divorcing...you are no longer responsible to see that he either does or does not have specific consequences. That's part of what divorce is, IMO.

Maybe I'm not seeing this from the perspective of some of the other posters here, but that's my opinion FWIW.

Lori

Help me here - I'm trying to figure out how you are planning to D him without his family finding out the reason why.

If it really bothers you that he'll wind up hating you, you could notify him first of your intent.



No - that's up to him.

MIM, I appreciate you responding, but it begs the question, would it matter if his family knew the reason? The fact is we're getting D, the reasons why seems unimportant. If I told my STBX my intensions, he would go off on me. I don't think I want to open that door. I just don't get the point, help me here? Help me to understand.

His mom did in fact make a personal call to me to tell us about the Christmas dinner, I just told her that I would pass the information over to H and left it at that. I didn't volunteer anything, but I'm contemplating (because of the advise I'm getting here) to call her and let her know that I won't be coming and that me and &^%* are separated. She'll aske a million questions and my question to you all, should I level with her? She will give her son, my H the what for and it will forever change their relationship. He'll blame me for this you know and I would have to agree that I would partly be the cause as I could have just kept my mouth shut.

"How do I tell him no without devasting him."

His devastation is his own doing - his choice - let him start taking responsibility for that himself.

I just posted a warning on this topic yesterday: that WS's will attempt false recoveries over the holidays. WS's sometimes pretend to be ready to end the adultery and to start recovery coincidentally just in time to be home for the holidays... only to go back to the OP as soon as the presents are unwrapped. Your WS isn't even pretending to you that he's interested in recovery and yet you're willing to cave to his expectations?

He chose the OW over you. It is her responsibility to ensure he is not alone over the holidays - not yours. Apparently she can't or won't fill that need for him... hmmm.... his problem caused directly by his bad choice.

Also, you really should expose his adultery to his family. In his case exposure may be even more effective than usual BECAUSE he is SO obsessed about appearances vs reality.

You are not doing him any favors by shielding him from the naturally occurring consequences of his own bad choices.
You are killing your marriage with kindness...

"He'll blame me for this you know and I would have to agree that I would partly be the cause as I could have just kept my mouth shut."

Does your WH know that you have this warped sense of responsibility/blame yourself for the naturally occurring consequences of HIS immoral choices? Does he suspect that you basically believe he is entitled to cheat on you and you are somehow obligated to keep that ABUSE of you a secret?

Wierdness IMHO

Oh boy, you see right through me. Yeah, I blame myself for everything. He ended the A as soon as I found out about it. As far as I know, he and the OP never talked again. He chose me over her, but I decided that I wasn’t a consolation prize and decided to end the M. So here’s where I keep blaming myself. I had a willing, repentive H, and I didn’t care what he did to try and make up for what he did, it was never going to be enough for me. So I ended the M and that’s why I feel guilty.