You seem to have made your decision. Just like your WH needs to face the consequences of his actions, you need to face the consequences of yours. There is no possible way you can divorce this man without his family finding out. That is a fact. You can try to hide it from them for a while but what would that accomplish? As it is you are feeling guilt over the time it has taken you to reach a decision to D since the A. More time taken: more guilt to feel, whether it's justifiable or not. Let his family know - either directly or ask WH to do it. They are going to want to know why whether they find out now or sometime in the future. If he does it, they will no doubt get the spin-doctor version. It will be very difficult to convince them of the truth once this has happened. Can you live with that? To this day my STBX-MIL thinks my marital breakdown is completely and totally my fault despite hard evidence of the truth - because WH got to her first. I was never close to her but this is one of the things that still hurts a lot.

Hi Not,

It's been awhile since I have posted to you. Just a couple of questions, if you don't mind.

Do you believe that you made the right decision to start divorce proceedings?

Do you think it was morally wrong for you to make that decision?

I ask because you have stated many times that you simply can't remain married to your FWH because of his past infidelity. You made the only choice that was right for you, so why worry about him being hurt, mad or anything else.

You have chosen to end your marriage which should mean an end to the relationship with him. You dont' have children together so why should you feel a need to remain on good terms with him if it has to be done on his terms?

Ulltimately, it was his actions that led to this so stop beating yourself up and politely decline the inviation. You could simply say "Thanks for the kind invitation, but I think it is better that I decline given the pending divorce." If they want to discuss the whys and whats, refer them to your FWH since they are his family.

Just a suggestion.

Who

notyetgivenup - just wanted you to know that I did something I have not done in a very long time. Your post on a recent thread I started "piqued" my curiosity about you, so I went back and read every thread you posted since you arrived at MB.


I'm not going to get into my thoughts and perceptions about your situation and your choice to divorce other that to list a few opinions I formed while reading all of your posts. I suspect you really don't want to talk about "recovery" things and never really did, so unless you wanted to have such a discussion I don't think it would be appropriate for me to attempt a discussion on reconciling and forgiveness.

You have made a choice. It is NOT based on his adultery(imho), it is influenced by his adultery but it is based in your own wants (not an issue of capability but of choice). You made a choice as to what parts of the Scripture you want to apply to yourself and which parts you don't.

Pertinent to the current thread, you are playing games with the family. Tell them or don't tell them, but don't play games.

Of course it hurts. You ended up taking the blame for the actions of someone who hurt you a great deal.

In the end, your STBX MIL is going to chose to believe what she wants and that is that you are at fault.

My marriage is recovered now, but even though my MIL was shocked at my FWH's actions and furious with him for what he did. If we hadn't stayed together, as his Mother, she would have ultimately come to see him as less at fault and me more.

It's just the way it is.

Who

You are very right. I don’t want to talk about recovery anymore. I made a decision and I very comfortable with it.

I’m not picking and choosing scripture, it has been a gut wrenching, self examination, self awareness journey of what I want in a marriage. You know I’ve been battling this for 3 years, what is right, what is wrong and I’ve been in counseling as I have such a black and white mind. I see things right or wrong, nothing in between. I see he did wrong, I see I did wrong in even trying to make the marriage work after the A as I knew from the beginning that I’m not the person to let this go. It’s wrong and it can’t be made right. I thought it was noble to stay, I wanted a touch of divinity, I wanted to be the righteous Christian and that against all odds, my marriage made it. Now, here comes the self-awareness – I couldn’t see myself with him in the long haul. I found porn in my house, he was bouncing checks left and right, he continued to tell lies and I simply disengaged and my thoughts began to go where they shouldn’t go. In fairness to him and in fairness to me, it was the right thing for me leave and to end the marriage. Now, frankly, his A is what brought this out, I would have never treaded down this road if it weren’t for his indiscretions so I respectfully disagree that the A is not what broke up the marriage. It did indeed. I left for 10 months when I found out about his A. I locked myself in an apartment. Cried, prayed, prayed and cried. I went back home thinking that this is what God intended. Yet I never was at peace about it. How is it I’m selecting scripture to fit my need? Isn’t there a verse in the Bible to guide you in any situation that you find yourself in. I’m biblically released from this marriage and that’s that. The one thing I do know is that I would have NEVER ended the marriage if he had not had his A. I am very true and a believer of vows, but I’m not the one who broke them.

Games with his family? Are you kidding? Precisely why I haven’t said a word to them. I feel like to blow their holidays for no reason what so ever is a game.

WhoMe, I guess the reasons I still feel guilty is because people like the previous poster, makes me feel that way. His opinion is that the pending divorse "is NOT based on his adultery, it is influenced by his adultery but it is based in your own wants (not an issue of capability but of choice)". You made a choice as to what parts of the Scripture you want to apply to yourself and which parts you don't."

You see it's this spiritual thing that keeps me in bonds. Otherwise, I wouldn't feel so guilty about all of this.

notyetgivenup - it is not my intention to "make you feel guilty." You commented about forgiveness on my other thread and stated your decision to divorce your husband.

Perhaps "this spiritual thing" is the still small voice of the Holy Spirit speaking to you.

What you stated was, "I found porn in my house, he was bouncing checks left and right, he continued to tell lies and I simply disengaged and my thoughts began to go where they shouldn’t go. In fairness to him and in fairness to me, it was the right thing for me leave and to end the marriage. Now, frankly, his A is what brought this out, I would have never treaded down this road if it weren’t for his indiscretions so I respectfully disagree that the A is not what broke up the marriage."

What seems clear is that the affair was not what got you thinking about divorce, it provided what you could be comfortable with as a "biblical out" for getting out of the marriage.

It doesn't make the other things he was doing right either.

But it also doesn't "sit right" with the other statements you made about his really trying to recover your marriage, unless those statements were not factually correct.

This issue of divorce is a sticky one most of the time, but since you are a relative newcomer to MB, last August I think, I'm wondering what sort of "recovery plan" you were in for the previous years you thought were an attempt at "recovery?"

I'm wondering how God views forgiveness and reconciliation with the "bride of Christ" who does bad, or even despicable, things.

I'm wondering how that might even have some application to our own lives, marriages, and recovery from "bad things."

IF, and I have to stress the "if," we are trying to justify our choices with God as the "yardstick," then it seems logical to ask the age old question of "what would Jesus do?" in trying to deal with difficult things in our lives.

If we are not, then it's all rather academic anyway, right?

One example, if I may, from what you wrote on a previous thread. God does NOT want us to be 100% "happy"(by human standards of "happiness"), He wants us to be saved and reconciled to Him.

You stated that love is a choice, and it is. But you expressed as a major component in your decision to seek a divorce the reasoning that you don't trust or respect your husband. There ARE "fixes" to those issues so that trust and respect can be regained. To believe otherwise, at least for a Christian, is to answer the question "Is anything too hard for God?" in the affirmative and believe that some things ARE too hard for God to do.

So for believers it ultimately comes down to individuals and their own walk with God, their own willingness, or unwillingness, to make needed changes in themselves to bring them in their daily walk into one that is more and more like Christ.

That a given marriage may be in serious trouble is not the issue. The issue is what is to be done about it and how does one go about overcoming the trouble.

The reason is that it is the truth. Doing otherwise is lying, even if by omission. Whether or not it is the holidays is irrelevent.

Using God as my yardstick is not at all what I’m doing. I’m trying to make a decision based on biblical teachings. That is my tool and it is written, that I am released due to adultery. I don’t know how you can read anything else in that. My pastor, my counselor, my Christian friends tell me that as well. I appreciate you giving me thought provoking statements and/or questions, but I am working with a Christian counselor and as a matter of fact just got back from my appointment. Your comments were heavy on my mind so we discussed them. From how he counseled me, I am released from my vows and I have self defeating thoughts. An example, I feel like a complete failure because I didn’t want to continue with this marriage. Why do I feel this guilt? Because I’m a good person and I tried to keep it together, yet my H did things even after reconciliation, that caused me to sit on the fence. I’m not going to get into all of that because it’s very personal and I’m not comfortable sharing this information. Self defeating thought – I keep wondering if I did the right thing, yet I have a peace about it, so dang it, I feel guilty about being on my own and enjoying it. I’m not suppose to enjoy it. He also tells me that the inner voice I hear, because frankly, I have trouble determining which is the Holy Spirit and the deceiver, is to ask myself if it bears fruit.

I understand that God can fix anything and I thank Him for that. But I’m not seeking God to fix this marriage – oh yeah, another guilt trip that I put myself on. Oh yes, I do look to find my perfect mate, another guilt trip, yet that’s what I want, but I’m not suppose to want that, so I beat myself up about that.

I again, respectfully disagree with the God doesn’t want us to be 100% happy. Notwithstanding your following statement, he wants us to be saved and reconciled with Him. Why would God want his children to be unhappy? I sure don’t want my kids to be unhappy and I can’t imagine God loving his children less than I love mine.

I’ve forgiven my H so that’s not an issue with me. I want my H to find his soul mate, I want him to be happy, I want him to go on with his life. Does it sound like I’ve not forgiven him? What I struggle with is the fact that he deceived me, my church, my family, and all that I hold dear, but that too will take time.

Let me ask you this. If I just found out that my H had an A, and I decided, johnnie on the spot, and said, well pack your bags and get out! Would I have grounds for a divorce, biblically? Yes. So what makes it different now? Time? Because he’s remorseful? The fact is still there, he committed adultery. It wasn’t a one night stand, it was a full blown relationship. It took me this long to get to where I am, standing up to the fact that adultery is unacceptable and I’m not going to settle for a H who would think so little of me and do this. (Please, everyone, this is me and I’m not advising anyone else to take this road). I want more! I deserve more! Oops, here it comes, the guilt – why am I being so selfish, can’t you see that your H wants to save your marriage.

I’m going to have to get off this board for a while. It sometimes makes me crazy and causes me to take two steps backwards rather than forging ahead.

Need some help, please. I'm really battling myself. Am I wrong for wanting to terminate my marriage? Am I wrong to want that "special" someone in my life that I can genuinely trust? Am I wrong to want to want start fresh? Please.....no philisophical stuff. Just plain heart to heart talk here, please......I'm really battling here. I feel like I'm the cheater now. In my heart, I know I have every reason to leave, but why do I have these battles? Why do I feel sorry for my H?

notyet...

I don't understand for a second why you need to tell your inlaws anything about you not coming...

I would think that's his job..

and the fact that you aren't concerned about what they think about your decision is a sign that you are well grounded in your decision even with your doubts...

that you know in your heart the reasons...and you don't OWE anyone else an explanation....

and then if they choose to call you to discuss you can discuss whatever it is you choose to do so.....

ARK^^

I don’t feel the need to tell my in-laws anything. It just appears that it is a popular belief on this board, that I should. I personally don’t see any need in it. I know, my XH knows, that’s enough for me.

You know, I agree that I don’t owe anyone an explanation for my decision, but I have to ask, why do I feel like a cheater if I should date? I feel like I’m betraying my spouse. I can’t shake this and it’s causing me real angst. I want to date, I want to find my “special” someone. But I fear that it’s cheating. Is it?

you shouldnt' date till divorced...

it's an unfair position to put the other person in...

you can hang out with people in groups...
but no one to one dating is my recomendation....

and certainly proceed with the divorce...asap...

ARK

It takes over a year to get a divorce in our state. I hear you and I have the same opinion as you, but I'm not a young woman and a year is quite a long time for me.

so then it's OK to mess with a single available person's emotions.... because a year is quite a long time for you...

If that's what you believe..then there is no point in asking others what they think...

I think it's unfair...
but that's only my opinion....

and personally...you couldn't pay me to date someone who is married ...but that's me...

ark

I don't know if you came to this conclusion before or after you asked your question. Maybe you've just thought about it some more and have now decided.

I think it's fine if you don't want to tell WH's parents about his infidelity... depending on your motivations. If your motivation is only that you don't want his parents to be upset with WH, then I don't think that's a good reason to hide the truth from them. If your motivation is only that you want to take vengeance on WH by shaming him, I don't think it's a good reason either.

If you've fully made up your mind to D your WH, then the normal reason for Exposure to his parents (putting pressure on the A in hopes of ending it and beginning Recovery) is not applicable.

If you feel that the reason for getting a D is that you simply cannot get over WH's infidelity, then I think you should be honest with WH's parents and tell them that, assuming they ask you. If they do not ask you, and you feel uncomfortable initiating any contact, I completely understand. My in-laws rallied around my WW after Exposure and I am too hurt to ever want to talk with any of them ever again.

But I don't think you should feel guilty and try and protect WH. You might feel even worse if you take that route and then they end up speaking ill of you anyway due to a spun story by WH.

Are you kidding? I would never do that! I'm so messed up trying to disect all the emotions in my head, I would never lay that on anyone. I'm very honest and I tell men that I'm trying to overcome some issues and I'm not in a place to commit to any relationship. I must have not made myself clear. I want to date, but I am very sure that I'm not ready. I would never want to put anyone on the emotional rollercoaster that I'm on - I couldn't live with myself if I did that!



Okay, you have your standards. Good for you! But that doesn't make me a bad person because I don't happen to agree with you. Technically, I'm married, biblically, I'm not. And please don't go off on me about this. I've been deeply in prayer about this for 3 years and in counseling for 3 1/2 years and it has taken me a long time to accept that and I would appreciate it if you wouldn't throw me back into that dark place.

As far as my in-laws go, I will tell them if the subject comes up but I'm not going to just call out of the blue and spill the beans. I respect them and love them dearly. I don't want to hurt them.

notyet..

I don't understand your posts...

above you say you want to date...

then you say you agree that you should not date while married...

then you say waiting a year while a divorce goes through and your age is too long for you to wait...

then you say you I'm not sure exactly what about other people...

then you say you disagree with me...and I guess you feel it's OK to date while married...

here's the bottom line question...

would you go out with a man who is still married and not divorced....yet

that's the basic question...

the answer is yours....
whatever it is...

I never said anything about you being a bad person...
peoples opinions on an annonymous board should have NO effect on you....to throw anyone in to any type of dark place...

I honestly don't know what you are saying..about dating...

my advice...no one on one dating till the divorce is sealed....

that's all it is...
sorry if that offends you..not my intent...


ARK

I said I "want" to date. I didn't say I "should" date. And, if a person thinks they are ready to date, IF they are terminating the marriage and IF they are LEGALLY separated, and IF they are comfortable with it, then personally, I don't think they should have to put their life on hold any longer.

As far as me goes, yes I would date a married man if the above criteria were met. It's a personal choice.

Well you know what? I do take things that are posted on this board very seriously and to heart. I'm sensitive to all kinds of opinions and some affect me more than you know. Thus is why, I post. I admit that I'm a confused soul, looking for answers and you all seem to have been there, done that and I think experience happens to be a wonderful teacher so I listen and absorb. Remeber this when you're posting. People are going through all sorts of trials in their lives. You have no idea what I've been through other than what I've posted, so sometimes when people trivialize the way that I feel, I do become offended.