Sassy:

You can't be afraid. If you allow yourself to and you do not act, the things you fear will happen.

You only have one chance and that is to paint a picture of what it takes to be with you, and if he can't do that, what the consequence is. Don't allow him to make you a "back up" plan. By doing so, he will lose respect for you and certainly not choose you. Let him know that you are his first choice or not his choice at all!!!

Stand strong,

Thanks for all your replies, and for your honesty.

I should reiterate, the crux of my original question was

NOT

Why try to save a marriage when things are tough?

BUT

Why try to save a marriage/ relationship when the other person has demonstrated overtly (even cruelty) that they are unwilling to try, and that they do not wish to be in a relationship with you?

There is a world of difference between those two scenarios.

All WS's act this way. There would be no saved marriages here if we went solely on what a wayward says and does DURING their affair. Marriages are saved after the A's end, after the cruelty ends. This is why the Plans exist.

I am trying to save my M because I made a promise when I said 'I do'. I also brought a child into this marriage, who deserves a happy, healthy intact family. I will TRY what I can to save it, but I'm only half of the equation.

The reason I'm trying to save my relationship is a genuine love of my wayward xGF. We were nearly engaged in April. Her family looked at me with so much love and affection that they looked at me like a son in law. The know how much love I have in my heart for their daughter. This was something she pointed to as a reason she was in love with me that those closest to her loved me.

She has a lot of issues to face. Her parents cheated and split for two years then reconciled. My ex was accused of cheating with her aunt's BF. While her aunt made that accusation to my xGF she had an asthma attack and died.

My WxGF is really screwed up. However, she knows that I do genuinely love her. She interestingly enough was acting like she hates me and wanted nothing to do with me while I love he and want to reconcile.

I told maybe in a few months after our break-up we could talk and she wanted only a month.

We're not talking at the moment save scant e-mail communication for a remaining business issue. I've imposed my NC to save myself and work on me and to stop worrying about her.

She has to make the choice and she needs to amke the decision to reconcile.

So I choose this path b ecause I know I am strong enough to make another go of things should she choose to reconcile.

When I strong enough I mean making it difficult for her to come back and and on my terms as well as being understanding of her huge issues.