Yep!


You need to have your own line in the sand. Your marriage can survive her anger. It cannot survive her lying, hiding things from you and distancing herself from you in order to lead a secret second life of fantasy with OM.

Here's a link. Print it out and leave laying around for her to read. Do NOT try to give it to her to read.

The Affair You Don't Know You're Having

Mark

Well, you can just be up front with her and tell her that you exposed "the rest" of the info to his wife.

I know it's difficult, but if there is somehow, some way to get her to see that she is willing to destroy her marriage over a "friendship" with a married man, then perhaps her feelings are stronger than she's willing to admit. And that, my friend, makes it an affair (even if it is one-sided).

You have two choices. You can back down, let her win this one and she will continue her affair (all the while you coil up in the corner because you are afraid to be the bad guy)...or you can tell her that this is your "line in the sand".

Of course she's telling you that you are being "controlling". She knows that this is a word that nobody wants to hear. That's why she's using it...to get you to back down and allow her to carry on her affair. Waywards aren't stupid, they're fogged though. Waywards are extremely manipulative. Waywards are liars.

Q: How do you know when a wayward is lying?
A: Her lips are moving.

Just because the OMW is keeping her head in the sand doesn't mean you have to.

Proceed directly to Plan A. Read up on Plan B (in case you need it down the road). But in the mean time -- you need a stellar plan A. There are experts on the board that can give you advice on that.

And please....YOU DIDN'T SCREW UP THIS RELATIONSHIP -- YOU AREN'T THE ONE HAVING THE AFFAIR. She will accuse you of all kinds of things, including making all of this YOUR fault...if you know this in advance it helps the blow a little when she hits you with it...and she will...it is straight out of the "wayward handbook of stupid things to say".

This isn't about control. It's about making choices that can negatively impact the commitment that you made to each other. That commitment must be preserved and protected, not ignored and left to wither away. And spouses in such a commitment preserve and protect it by their actions, not only towards each other, but also when they are away from each other.

Have you told your WW that you are uncomfortable with the situation, and by choosing to continue talking to the OM, she is also choosing to hurt your feelings and cause damage to your relationship?

If either of you read "Not Just Friends," you'll know that the No. 1 thing that has to happen is for the "friendship" to be terminated forever.

What she said about 'not asking you to not do something you wanted' is patently false. What if you wanted to throw animal feces around the house? Would she not ask you to not do that? I don't think so.

With all this said, don't be pestering your WW about all this. Simply affirm that you're not OK with her and the OM ever communicating again. Then let it drop and continue with Plan A.

"She already is mad all the time at me, and I have been caving thinking I'm showing her respect"

She already is mad all the time BECAUSE she knows it results in you caving

She's manipulating you with the threat of anger if you don't just shut up and put up with her relationship with the OM.

BTW, exposing what's going on is not an LB.
Her thinking is warped because she's in the wayward fog mindset. She's not angry because you did anything wrong - she's angry because she thinks your fear of her anger will cause you to be a doormat and let her continue with the OM.

Also, sometimes the people you expose to pretend they alreayd know 'everything' and/or have 'no problem' with what's going on. This isn't that unusual. I think it's maybe too embarrassing for them to admit they've been blindsided or betrayed? But exposure almost always causes problems and arguments for the adulterers, despite the pretense that all is well. You did the right thing by telling the OM's wife. Don't worry about your wife's angry reaction - expect it but don't react to it.

The way I explained it to my WH was like this:
If it is supposedly appropriate for the WS to be in contact with the OP then they can't logically complain that it is inappropriate for the BS's to be in contact with each other, can they? Of course, my WH didn't agree because, well because he was a wayward and the ONLY thing he cared about was being wayward.

Study up on Plans A & B.

I need some advice on how to handle the impending nuclear explosion when my wife discovers that I contacted OMW.
I'm regretting my decision to do this.

We just spoke on the phone and are really looking forward to spending quality time together over the long weekend. I'm afraid OMW will call her and blow that up.

Also, I don't think I'm really in "Plan A" territory, as the NC letter was sent a couple of weeks ago, and I think she is honoring it. She has been loving at times to me, though I think her ambivilance prevents her from committing to ressurect our marriage at this point.

I'm also a little unsure how to proceed in general. I'm trying to do Plan A type things, avoiding LB's, setting a good example, avoiding conflict etc, but she's not really giving me much opportunity to satisfy her biggest EN, which is conversation.
Sex is both of our #2 EN's, but I feel sometimes she uses that in a controlling way.
I'm not sure if I should ask for sex. If I should always give it when she initiates. I do know that when I make an advance and she denies it, I feel immediately small and powerless, and I think she likes having that power...
Sorry if i'm too graphic.
I know I'm all over the place with this, but some help or guidance on any of the points would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks to all! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

trytoohard,

I agree with everyone else. Tell the OMW, consequences be damned.

Also, I seriously doubt it was just an EA. Your wife is still protecting him, even after you discovered the A.

EAs are PAs waiting to happen. Literally.

Post deleted by trytoohard

HELP ME!!
I need some advice on how to handle the impending nuclear explosion when my wife discovers that I contacted OMW. She said she knew everything (Except the secret email accounts), and is fine with them being friends if that's all it is. She now want's to call my wife! OH NO!!!!!
I'm regretting my decision to do this.

My wife and I just spoke on the phone and are really looking forward to spending quality time together over the long weekend. I'm afraid OMW will call her and blow that up.

Also, I don't think I'm really in "Plan A" territory, as the NC letter was sent a couple of weeks ago, and I think she is honoring it. She has been loving at times to me, though I think her ambivilance prevents her from committing to ressurect our marriage at this point.

I'm also a little unsure how to proceed in general. I'm trying to do Plan A type things, avoiding LB's, setting a good example, avoiding conflict etc, but she's not really giving me much opportunity to satisfy her biggest EN, which is conversation.
Sex is both of our #2 EN's, but I feel sometimes she uses that in a controlling way.
I'm not sure if I should ask foe sex. If I should always give it when she initiates. I do know that when I make an advance and she denies it, I feel immediately small and powerless, and I think she likes having that power...
Sorry if i'm too graphic.
I know I'm all over the place with this, but some help or guidance on any of the points would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks to all

Do you know what OM"s W is going to speak to your WW about?
She has every right to talk to your WW and let her know that she has an interest in saving her M.

Your WW has been in an EA and is going to have to answer for it. All you can do is to tell your wife you were fighting for your M and you won't apologize for it. Be strong, not meally mouthed.

When I called OW I thought my H would go berserk. He didn't say a word to me other than how sorry he was.
She knows what she did was wrong. She played with fire and now she's sitting on some blisters. Her anger, if there is any will be short lived. It had to be done.

Now your WW doesn't have OM to fall back on and her EA is
going to be finished. You will realize this after her withdrawal from him is complete. You won't wonder if you did the right thing, you won't wonder if she's gone underground. You've put two sets of eyes on them and that's a good thing. Stay strong!

The thing tht's screwed up is that OMW said she's fine with WW And OM remaining friends. I think OM has his wife snowballed, and as my wife only seems to hear what she wants to anyway, if OMW says friendship is Okay, how will this not finally prove to my wife that what she's doing is fine, and that I'm the unreasonable, demanding jerk that she and OM have me painted to be?
I'm really unsettled about this.

Good God, man ... GROW A PAIR !!!

Your WW is having an EA (at least) with another man and has feelings for him and YOU'RE worried that SHE'LL be mad at YOU. What's wrong with that picture.

I'm sorry, but I have little respect for a BH that won't even stand up for HIMSELF!!! You've got guys here who are going thru pure he11, doing everything in their power to save their M's and you are too afraid to do much of ANYTHING. The ONE thing you did do right is to call the OMW, and now your sorry you even did that.

The one thing that comes through LOUD AND CLEAR around here is that W's don't find needy, clingy, weinie H's attractive AT ALL. It's way past time for you to "MAN UP" and take back some control over YOUR life.

You were told that your WW would be mad when she found out about exposure ... but you did it anyway ... GOOD ... now be prepared to hold your ground ... you're NOT the one in the wrong here. Also, the ONLY way your WW will know of the exposure is if NC has been broken ... so if she gets mad over exposure ... then you should be DOUBLE-SUPER mad because that means she's been LYING to you all along and been in contact with the OM. TAKE UP FOR YOURSELF, because no one else will.

I'm sorry to hit your between the eyes with a 2x4, but you're as much in a fog as your WW, and somehow you have to jolt yourself out of it and take back some self-respect.

Hopefully, this will help!!!

Well, how should you handle an actual exploding bomb? Should you say 'I'm sorry, please don't leave me' to the bomb? Or should you protect yourself behind a wall until the explosion was over and it was safe to come out. (Hint: it's the latter)

I know you don't want your WW to be angry and upset with you and to just work on recovering the marriage. That's what I wanted. It doesn't work that way. All communication between WW and OM must end. No matter how upset WW is about that, it's just the basic fact.

Yeah, it's possible that WW will not want to respond to your depositing of love units. That happens and you'll have to suck it up. This isn't easy but it's necessary.

Plan A has little or nothing to do with what your WW has done/is doing/etc. WW isn't in Plan A, YOU are (or should be). Get "Surviving An Affair" and read it.

That's why Plan A is hard on the BS. You have to not only accept that the WS will not meet any of your ENs, but also be unreceptive to accepting your efforts at meeting her needs.

Definitely not graphic. I don't think you should ask for sex, mainly because it's your #2 EN and you're supposed to be meeting hers. If she initiates, I think you should respond IF you are also interested. There are many schools of thought on whether or not a BS should continue to have sex with a WS.

Tell her that you wanted to make sure the OMW knew about her adulterous affair. You have nothing to apologize for, so stop acting like you are guilty of something. SHEESH!

Thanks, MyRev for the "layin-o-the pine" I appreciate the coaching. I have been a bit of a weinie lately which is ucharacteristic. I think my 3 mos. without a restful night of sleep and loss of 20 or so lbs has left me a bit delirious...
BHHFS, as always, valuable advice.
I thank you both it does help to know someone gives a s*** even if we are strangers.
Do I continue to attempt EN fulfillment rather than indifference,even if she's not receptive? I would think in the future she may look back and recognize what I'm trying to do.

ok, it does not matter if 99.99999999% of the population think this affair is "just fine," IN TRUTH IT IS NOT OK TO HAVE AN AFFAIR. It does not matter what the OMW thinks, WHAT MATTERS IS RIGHT AND WRONG. You KNOW what is right and what is WRONG, just stick with your principles and STOP WORRYING WHAT THE FOGGY BRAINED FOLKS THINK!

Thanks for the dose of reality, Mel.
How would you handle the explosion?
I'm thinking that I let her finish ranting without interruption, and simply say "I'm fighting to save our marriage." and leave it at that.
Thoughts???

which would you choose:

a) burst into tears and beg and plead for mercy

b) act real guilty like you did something wrong and THEN burst into tears and call your momma

c) make a decision to not tolerate abuse and leave the room if she explodes, telling her you are sure sorry she is upset and hope she can get herself under control. refuse to make yourself available for abuse.

Is your W bigger than you? Does she beat you? I don't get all the fear and anxiety here, try. YOU ACT LIKE YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG AND NEED TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF. It is wrong to commit adultery, it is not wrong to call up the W of the OM and make sure she knows about the affair.

REPEAT AFTER ME: It is wrong to commit adultery, it is not wrong to call up the W of the OM and make sure she knows about the affair.

REPEAT AFTER ME: It is wrong to commit adultery, it is not wrong to call up the W of the OM and make sure she knows about the affair.

REPEAT AFTER ME: It is wrong to commit adultery, it is not wrong to call up the W of the OM and make sure she knows about the affair.

REPEAT AFTER ME: It is wrong to commit adultery, it is not wrong to call up the W of the OM and make sure she knows about the affair.

You're the best, Mel.
I actually laughed (for the first time in a while) at that one.
I'm a big oaf 6'2" & 185 lbs.
She's barely 5'2'' and about 110lbs.
Just a funny image to me, and a great point well taken.
You help give me inner strength.