Detachment will not help you regain some respect, but STOPPING being her doormat will. Women do not respect men they can run over and most women do not love men they don't respect. I think that helping her keep her secret contributes to that lack of respect, because it signals that you are SCARED of her.

If I were you, I would ask her what she is prepared to do to recover your marriage and be prepared to produce a plan of recovery.

How long has it been since her last contact? Would she send the OM a no contact letter demonstrating her committment to no contact?

here is a good article on what it will take to recover your marriage: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Thanks, melody.
She has sent a letter (two actually. the first NC lasted about a day.) but she says that she only did it because I "made" her, not because she wanted to. She still maintains that she wants to have him as a friend. So I guess I'm not really sure if she's honoring the NC, but I believe she is. But at this point I think I'm the only one committed to it...
How would you suggest I inform her, or go about stopping my doormat-like behavior. I want to be strong without being mean or hurtful. I also don't want her to leave ending any hope for reconciliation.
She already is mad all the time at me, and I have been caving thinking I'm showing her respect. I guess I'm throwing my own out the window...
What a mess!

You want all twenty or just the short version?

1)OMW has a right to know the truth about her life.
2)Other people already know and it is just a matter of time before someone puts you and your wife into a position of having to admit it after the fact.
3)Somebody is already gossiping about it somewhere and thinking you're a fool for putting up with it.
4)Since seldom does an affair just end because it has been found out, OMW can keep an eye out from her end to enforce NC.
5)Some day someone will ask about what happened and you'll either have to lie to cover up the failure to tell the truth or the lie will be exposed when less than convenient for both of you.
6)Recovery will be a real roller coaster with emotions that will put both of you nearly out of commission for hours or even days at a time and it will be easier to explain what is going on than trying to make excuses.
7)Honesty begets honesty. Hiding the truth from others will seldom give a lot of incentive to be honest with each other.
8)IF recovery fails, which it might at some point down the road, it will be easier to explain what happened based on others knowing from the beginning about what happened. To hide it now makes it harder to deal with when the time comes later.
9)You are going to need support of friends and family and so will your wife if you are going to work through the really hard bits about how she came to a decision to get involved with another man at all, especially in light of his also being married.
10)You are going to need the truth from your wife and if she thinks secrets are alright to keep, it will be easier for her to keep secrets from you.
11)Infidelity thrives on lies and deception. Exposure shines the light of truth into the darkness and shows it to be what it is, a lie.
12)Part of the attraction of an affair is the fantasy that is built up around it. The truth will break that fantasy and make it less likely to happen again with some other OM.
13)It will help you set boundaries for your own life to prevent you from having a revenge affair when you are even more vulnerable because you have been dealing with all of this.
14)Sooner or later you will have to go to counseling and people are going to wonder what that is all about.
15)The probability of a future affair by either of you is diminished if you both know in advance that you won't be able to keep it a secret.


I'm going to stop there, but that is what I came up with off the top of my head in the few minutes I had before going home from work

There are two schools of thought concerning exposure. One is that exposure should be sort of concentric. You begin with those closest to you and your wife and wind outward from there if the affair continues. The second is usually more effective at breaking up an affair. It says that you compile a list of everyone you can think of that will help put pressure on the affair and let it all go at once.

But once an affair is over this can be taken as an act of vengeance by your wife and you have to be certain that that is not your intent.

As for OMW...She has a right to know. It is the right thing for you to let her know. If the roles were reversed you would expect it from her.

As for the employer...It might be that this OM has made a habit of having affairs within the company and other valuable employees have been lost due to his indiscretions at work. In many companies it also opens them up to future lawsuits in case the once lover returns and claims sexual harassment. In your case, you might need to tread lightly because you have a working relationship with this company, but you might need to inform your superiors or his because you might not be able to continue that business relationship going forward. Hard call and I'm afraid you need to make that call yourself.

You don't want to emotionally distance yourself right now. You need to be rebuilding her love for you continually. Find out what her top emotional needs are and do all you can to meet them. In addition, identify what love buster you are committing and do away with them. You need to put in an all out effort to win her heart back before you do much of anything else. Don't be her doormat, but don't pull away either. She will need support in all of this as well, so you need to be there for her.

When you get frustrated come here and vent.

If you haven't yet done so read the basic concepts and get a copy of Surviving An Affair. The copy I read I got at the library, but the prices here are good and it helps pay the bills for the rest of this stuff.

Also read the Q&A columns pertaining to infidelity.

One incident of exposure that must happen, IMO, is the OM's wife. She has a right to know about it. And yes, your wife will be livid, but her anger will pass.

One more reason for others to know what you are going through...When the day comes that a friend or relative is experiencing the same sort of thing, they will see you as an example and know that they can make it too. If they don't know, they will feel as alone as you have till now.

Mark

TTH,

Just as a point of reference, read Believer's thread about how her xH just came to her seeking to reconcile. She fought a long and hard battle for years while he schlepped around with OW and she finally decided to move on. Dr Harley suggests that the window of recovery remains for up to two years after a divorce is final. He only says two years because he figures that if it hasn't happened by then the BS has a right to move on, but statistically, most affairs end within two years from their inception.

What I'm telling you is that even if she left tonight, it will only be over when you say it is over. It ends when you stop fighting and not before.

Mark

When you get done with Believer's post, read the last post
from Hopeforus. He wishes he had exposed earlier. When you expose to the wife, your WW will definately get "thrown under the bus" and then you can get about the work of recovery. Be strong and let your WW see it. GF

Please someone help!
After reading hopeforus's thread, I decided to call the OMW. I reached her at work and asked her if she knew anything, if OM had told her anything. She said he told her everything. I asked if he told her about the secret email account and hundreds of hours of cell calls and text's, to which she replied no. She could not talk as she was at work, but asked me to call her back at 5. I asked her not to tell her husband that I called until we had a chance to talk later to which she agreed. I wonder what the "everything" is that he told her. I think we're going to compare stories. It should be interesting.
I am scared s***less that this will blow my marriage apart. In some ways I feel as though my wife and I have made some progress. Last night she was affectionate, and even cited her actions as a gesture toward fulfilling an EM that she has ranked pretty low on with me. So I think she's making some effort at least. Though she has said repeatedly over the last months that she wants to remain "friends" with this guy whom she admits she "cares deeply" for and that those feelings have grown stronger.
Please help me to understand if my exposing to OMW is the right thing to do, and how do I proceed if WW gets pissed (she won't necessarily know if the NC is being honored, right?)
I have not really implemented a plan A yet as I've really just become aware of it. I am hoping that I can be strong, and a good example of who she fell in love with in the first place, while trying to avoid LB's. I'm afraid this exposure is a HUGE LB...
Your advice so far has been helpful. Please, I need a little reassurance and guidance right now.
Thanks to all.

Just because alll these things are soooo similar.

He told her that your wife was his friend and nothing happened other than friendship....OR

Your WW pursued him with a vengeance and wanted more than friendship, so he had to call her down.

One or the other, no way did he tell her "everything".

Good luck GF

Your decision to proceed with exposure should not be dependent on what your WS "feels" at the moment. The reason you're doing it is to END THE A. As your WS is "addicted", OF COURSE she will be upset if she finds out that you exposed the A. That is a given.

You are absolutely doing the right thing. You are in a fight for your marriage and this is one of the battles.

You do not need to tell your WW about this for now. That is not necessary. I made the mistake of offering it up in order to be Open & Honest. Don't go there. And if your WW truly has NC with OM then she won't find out.

However, it's possible WW will find out. If so, WW will be furious. Do not react using Love Busters. This was also a mistake I made. Stay calm and state how you are committed to doing what it takes to keep the OM out of your lives forever in order to rebuild a happy, successful marriage. No matter how many criticisms she levels against you, do not give her any ammunition.

Wayward spouses always say after Exposure that 'You've ruined everything' or 'I was working on things but I can't anymore' or 'You just want to trap me and keep me from having any friends'. These are all basically threats to get you to stop wrecking any chance they have of continuing a relationship with OM. Your WW's anger will blow over. It's a temporary storm that you simply need to batten down the hatches for.

tth~

I am a formerly wayward wife. My husband and I have been in recovery for almost 2 years. I can say, without any doubt whatsoever that we would now be divorced if he had not exposed to the OMW.

Yes, your wife will be beyond pi$$ed. She will spew the most vile, hate-filled words she can come up with. She will tell you that she was going to work on the relationship but now you've screwed that up. She will tell you that now SHE can't trust YOU. (the most ridiculous statement ever, but we all say it nonetheless)

I promise you, she will get over it. Someday she will thank you for it. I can honestly tell you that I am so truly thankful that my husband had the ba11s to go against everything I said and called the OMW to inform her of everything. I threatened him. I promised him I would divorce if he did it. I was MAAAAAAAAAAAD as a hornet! But you know what? I got over it.

You see, the reason I didn't want the OMW to know is not becuase "there's no reason for her to be hurt...and there's no reason to break up a family...and we shouldn't do anything to hurt their children" (which were all the excuses I told my husband as reasons he should not expose to the OMW)... The real reason is because I knew that if the OMW knew of the affair then the affair would end, forever, kaput. I knew that the OMW would be watching from her end also (along with my husband watching from our end). I knew that exposure would actually help kill the affair.

AND IT WORKED.

As others have said before, your marriage can survive a pissed-off WW, but it cannot survive an ONGOING affair.

I think I may have really screwed up.
I just spoke at length to OMW and laid out the whole timeline as I know it, including the sharing of "feelings" they expressed, etc.
She said that with the exception of the secret email account, she already knew everything. That he was telling her all along that they were friends, were calling each other etc, and that she has no problem with them continuing to be friends as long as that's all that it is. Ouch!
Not surprisingly, his version was backwards from my WW's version, so someone is lying to somebody (probably both?) Now obviously he was embellishing, but it sounds as if he was telling her (something) along the way. My guess is that he was leaving himself an "out" in case my wife went to his, my wife would look like a psycho, and he could blame her. Slimy ******... Maybe this is a one sided thing, and he's just playing my wife for some other sick self serving reason. Either way it's pretty despicable on his part I think...
What has me really worried that I messed up is that OMW now wants to call my wife to ask her what is going on. If she calls, and WW and OMW agree that "friendship" is OK, what do I do then?
I have just committed the biggest LB I could when we were starting to regain some closeness.
I know my wife will be furious with me, I fear that I may have just sealed my own miserable fate...
I feel like everything I do backfires. I feel worse right now than I have in a long time.
The last thing I want to do is be the cause for my marriage to fail.
Please help. I need to know how to salvage this because I have a feeling it's going to get exteremely ugly...

Should I volunteer to my wife that I spoke to OMW?
I'm tempted to go "doormat" and throw myself on her mercy. Probably another in a long line of bad ideas...
The intent of exposing to OMW is to end the affair. It seems as if this will actually only further justify WW's position that I've become a hurtful, untrustworthy ******.
I need help!

The OMW is in her own fog-land. However, at the very least she's likely going to pay a lot more attention to the OM's activities than she was before. You have planted the seeds of doubt, let them germinate. Even if the OMW does call the WW to make such an "agreement", it's likely going to be a lot less comfortable a situation than it was before.

The point here is, your W continues to contact this OM even though you are very uncomfortable about her doing so. If she's not an active WS, she certainly has a WS mindset, and you have to act accordingly.

TTH, you have diffused a bomb. Friends are comfortable to sit in front of their spouse and call their "friend" of the opposite sex. They will share with you the jist of the conversations they have with their friends. They will speak to their friends a time or 2 every other week maybe a little more. Good friends like these 2 should have regular dinner dates for the FOUR of you planned. If at any time you
are uncomfortable with the "friendship", it becomes an enemy of your marriage. When you say "Enough", a faithful, not havin' anything to hide W would say, OK"

The BS is being snowed along with you....be vigilant.
An opposite sex friendship becomes an affair as soon as the
"friends" in it choose their friendship over their marriage.

GF (I know these things, I've lived it as you are)

Reading recommendation " Not Just Friends" Shirley Glass

These two are in an emotional affair, keep your head out of the sand, as you have been.

No, do not go 'doormat,' because that won't help anyone except the APs.

It sucks that OMW doesn't seem to realize the danger of the situation. Considering she thought her WH told her 'everything' and you just revealed a secret e-mail account, she should be questioning just a little bit more about how honest he's being. But you can't control OMW.

Here's the bottom line: you aren't comfortable with WW and OM seeing each other anymore. So it doesn't matter if OMW thinks the two of them can be friends. OM has admitted he has feelings for your WW, and WW has admitted she has feelings for OM. That's not an acceptable friendship while they're both married.

Sure, WW may think you're hurtful and untrustworthy ... right now. That's because she's in the fog. You know the truth: you're not. Any criticisms that WW hits you with are to make you feel bad about yourself so that you will stop trying to ruin her relationship with OM.

My wife thinks I'm trying to control her, and that is where the majority of our recent problems have existed.
Although neither of us knew that there was such a thing as an "Emotional Affair", after having read some web postings/ info, MB, and some of "Not just friends", I saw, and she eventually saw that it was exactly what she was doing.
She still wants to be friends, and that is her line in the sand.
Am I being a tyrant for not wanting to allow this? I know that if our situations were reversed, I would end all contact if she asked. She tells me that she would not ask me to not do something I wanted to. Is she just rationalizing her position?

Wait a minute. Did you explain to the OMW that this is not a "friendship" but an affair? It seems that she believes a LIE about their relationship and I don't understand why she is still under that misimpression.

You told her about their "feelings" and she didn't [censored] up her antennae? Unless this woman is a complete and total
doormat, she's just ignorant. If she's any woman at all, she's gonna come out fighting for her marriage. Perhaps you could zip her out a copy of "Not Just Friends" and see what she has to say. You are in the right, here TTH. You are standing up for what is right and keeping this slug off of your wife. She has got to find another job and never see this man again!! I sold my dream house over a slug like him! I didn't want her slithering up my driveway in my old age lookin' for an A$$ whoppin' from me! Geratic fisticuffs could get ugly! Fight the good fight, my man.
You can do it, I did and I am a GIRL, an old one but...
I got er' done.

I did tell her that, and recommended that she do some research of her own. I mentioned the MB site, Shirley Glass' book, and to Google "Emotional Affair". She did seem a little surprised at the secret email address, but her general tone was that she was defending her husband, said that all along she new that I was making accusations (apparently when I confronted my wife and told her that he was "making a play" for her, she told him, he told his wife...)but he never said anyting to me to either try to clear the air or apologize. I feel as though if he truly were her friend, he would have made some effort to diffuse the situation if it was in fact an innocent friendship. His not doing so, and taking it to a new level of secrecy, was a clear indication of his alterior motives. Am I way off base here?
I appreciate your perspective, ML. All the guys I have described the situation to (though I haven't revealed that it's my wife), see it clearly as him making a play.
It's comforting to get a female point of view that confirms my feelings.
Keep it coming. Do you have any advice on how tho approach this ticking time bomb of my wife discovering my conversation with OMW?
I really hope I haven't royally screwed myself (our family) with this one. If there's anything I can say to my wife to make her understand that it's all in the pursuit of a restoration of our marriage to it's rightful glory...