This morning, my wife of nine years told me that while she still loves me, and deeply cares for me, she is no longer IN LOVE with me.

We recently (three months ago) dealt with a one-time infidelity issue on her part. But it was just that - one time. I found out before anything escalated. And we agreed to work on things to patch everything up. But now, things have changed.

There is no affair going on. So there's nothing to "expose." But she tells me that she doesn't even want to try marriage counseling, as she doesn't think it will give her that spark back.

I'm irritated at that. As far as I'm concerned, our marriage is worth saving. But she isn't willing to even try.

Do I have any hope here? Could marriage counseling help?

Any help would be appreciated. Right now, I feel dead inside.

Marriage counseling could definitely help, if she's willing and actually trying. Start reading up here, tons of stuff to learn from.

If she has strayed once, my gut instinct tells me she's craving the attention she received from this one-time guy, and thinking she'll get more of the same. Can you do that for her, give her the thrill of courtship over again, find some other way to make her feel special?

We could use some more information, though. Like did you marry right out of high school, how long did you court, what kind of marriage has it been, how honest are you with each other typically, etc?

We married when I was 28 and she was 22 - close to 29 and 23 actually. We were together for a little over two years before we married.

And you are 100% correct. I know she craves that spark again. She wants to feel it. But she's not sure she can get that with me anymore.

She has spent the last 11 months slowly finding herself getting unhappy. I was unaware of this until August. For the record, we have two kids. And she miscarried right around the first of this year - which sort of possibly triggered her downward spiral.

Up until this year, we have always had an extremely open and honest relationship. This year, as things got bad for her, she bottled up all of her feeling inside. Her reasoning was basically that she didn't want to hurt me - which I can understand. But it has had the opposite effect in the long run.

Maybe I'm ignorant. Maybe we both are. But what can counseling do? Can counseling trigger that spark?

If you went from a happy, open relationship to this one? Sure, it will help. It will let her share her feelings in a safe nonjudgmental environment, in an atmosphere where you're only there to get better. Her closing off is a key issue, and a counselor can help her unlock stuff she may be afraid to look at. You too. And while you're at it, use this place to do some soul-searching to see if you're really creating a happy healthy marriage (Love Busters, Emotional Needs, etc.) to begin with.

IMO, once you can honestly look at each other and be on the same page about what you want, you can share and learn and grow. Counselors go through tons of training to help you do just that.

I realize many men may feel all this 'talky' stuff is silly, but I promise it's not. It helps all people, not just women.

I'm perfectly fine with "talky." It's my wife who doesn't seem onboard.

Then counseling may be a way for her to recover that part of her that is afraid of talking. I just assumed you were the hesitant one because you were questioning whether it could help. Something a 'non-believer' might say. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I guess what I was trying to say is, how can it not be good, if it provides a way and opportunity for the two of you to reconnect to back the way you were when you were courting and wanting to get married.

Well, that's her hesitancy. She doesn't believe that counseling would in fact reconnect us. Can marriage counseling do that?

Are you absolutely certain she is no longer having an affair? Because this behavior is VERY typical of someone who is. Read the articles on this site about surviving infidelity and order the books. Also, post your question on General Discussion. There is a whole lot of useful advise here.

Yes, I am 100% absolutely sure.

Then I would reiterate that counseling is the only way to get the two of you talking honestly to each other again.

i have no idea who you are or how accurate you are describing the situation but based on what you wrote, sounds like there is room to doubt that quote

Here's some illumination:

I was also certain at a point that my ex was no longer seeing his girlfriend - that was year three of affair. I couldn't find any evidence. Actually, he may not have been seeing her, but he hadn't actually ended his relationship. What he finally admitted to was setting up a "test" to see if I could get past the affair.

So, I passed the test for a year, but still he wouldn't do the things necessary to rebuild our marriage and that was the thing that ate at me all that year. Do you see? In the back of his mind he thought that if he put distance between me and her, he could 'psych' me into believing it wasn't the affair that killed the marriage. He was trying to legitimize the affair, so later (after sabotaging and suffocating me long enough to give up) his relationship would seem legitimate.

He wanted me to believe that the marriage was no good on its own and therefore the affair wasn't an affair. While it was true that the marriage had problems, it was not true that they couldn't be solved - it's just that he wouldn't take any responsibility in those problems (his addictions, disrespectful behavior, irresponsible behavior, etc). It was not true that the affair was not an affair. Marriage, vows, holy matrimony, is reality. He thought he could redefine marriage and thereby make his affair non-illicit. He even moved his things out of our bedroom so he could claim "estrangement", yet he slept with me every night.

The unfaithful are insane, as Dr. Harley puts it. Beware that she is not trying to redefine reality. That is the hallmark of the unfaithful - the consistent persistent attempt to sidestep reality with strange reasoning. If you see strange reasoning, something in their mind is unfaithful. Your wife not wanting a good marriage is strange, at best.

You sound like you don't want to remain in an unhappy marriage, yet your wife won't budge. I suggest that you tell her that it is not acceptable to you to remain in a loveless marriage and that that isn't what you want for her either. Ask her to take a chance that she can be happy.

Just don't let this situation ride without action. It will inevitably implode. Better to confront the issue now. Or, one of you will grow weak and betray the other. Needs are not optional. That's why they're called needs, not wants. Another point Dr. Harley makes. We all need love. We grow bitter when we don't get it.

If I were your wife and I had an encounter that drew me to behave without faithfulness (meaning an overwhelming desire), I might be believing that I missed the love of my life or some semblance of that kind of thinking would freeze me in time emotionally. See if something like this could be causing her to be behaving so futile.

I know that my ex believes that because he felt such overwhelming desire (fantasy, mystery, passion) that he had found the love of his life and he behaved as if fate or I had taken advantage of him and tricked him into not having her as he should have. He RAGED on me for not being able to make him feel these things.

I think he believed circumstances earlier in his life, before me, derailed him from meeting the love of his life under better circumstances and that I just got caught up in it somehow - like I was an unfortunate player in somebody else's 'real' story. But, he never understood that the fuel was the secrecy of his affair (law of supply and demand here) and the way she interpreted things about me and played them back to him as though my intentions were evil - she had him wrapped around her finger and she wanted him (39, not very attractive to say the least, never married - desperate you might say), destroying my family in the process with hardly a thought. That's the drugs in the minds of the covetous and the unfaithful - another point Dr. Harley makes (affairs are like addictions).

Even with all of our problems, we were so compatible in almost every way. We were married 15 years through some very harsh external challenges and we weathered all. That says a lot about us. But, I couldn't give him the secrecy and excitement of fantasy that comes with an affair, so he labeled me all bad and refused to believe that feelings that intense could be less than true love. (I believe his girlfriend convinced him too much damage had been done to save our marriage, luring him to do more destruction than ever before.) True love is faithful enduring love that passion doesn't guarantee. I had that for him through the harshest of situations, yet as soon as she enabled him to feel these intense feelings, he forgot years of proof of my true love. It was almost in the snap of a finger, they managed to erase all the good and all my demonstrations of love through the years (another of Dr. Harley's teaching that the unfaithful rewrite history - more insanity).

Beware of the power of the intensity of feeling that drives one to unfaithfulness. If your wife was unfaithful once, her thinking has been influenced by it, whether she admits it or not. If she is being faithful now, you have a great opportunity to make a great marriage. Don't become complacent. Your wife should be asking for her needs to be met. That is what's healthy and what leads to an enduring relationship. If she's not, something's wrong. Don't stop until you get to the bottom of it. She can't argue with you wanting more for her than settling for a loveless marriage.

Warrior

Hi again Midwesthusband,

I just read your blog. I should have first, but it doesn't change anything I've said already. I just have some things to add.

First, this friend of your wife's may mean well, but your wife is using her as a counselor and she is proving sorely lacking in the skills necessary to help your MARRIAGE. Your wife can be shown how this hurts you in this context, without it hurting your wife. She needs only to be shown how the wrong doctor is being applied to the wrong illness. You wouldn't have a podiatrist work on a complicated shoulder injury. Her friend is a friend of emotional support and should not be used by your wife as a marriage doctor. She is untrained. Her friend probably means well, but until she's been betrayed she can't possibly understand the depth of pain she may be causing - clearly this woman doesn't understand the damage she's doing to you.

If your wife and her decisions were in better hands and her actions were in consideration of your WHOLE marriage, you won't mourn so deeply, because you'll be filled with faith and hope and that will strengthen you. You will have faith that things will get better. Your feelings breaking down - that's a warning sign that you aren't on a solid path for your marriage. You both need the skills for getting and meeting each other's needs. The signs say you're both still floundering somewhat without understanding how to build a good marriage. You wouldn't do surgery without an education - don't do marriage without the right information. You're in the right place with Dr. Harley! You're in a great position to lead.

I also know the pain and the fear of the unknown. My first instinct was to hold back anything that may cause my partner pain or discomfort for fear I would drive him away. That's considerate, but don't fear confrontation to the point of your own powerlessness. Read about Dr. Harley's principles and learn to approach your wife with love, consideration and respectfulness. There are ways to say just about anything without being disrespectful (there's a time and place for that, but marriage isn't it).

The nature of the fear is that the confrontation will result in an ultimatum. Educating yourself will arm you - you will feel hopeful and your behavior will be effective. Worst case is that you will be prepared for ultimatum if it comes to that. But, still the worst of the ultimatum is probably going to sound like this, "I won't settle for less than a loving fulfilling marriage for both of us." That isn't so bad, really, is it?

In other words, and you've probably heard this before, but once you've done all there is to do and know all there is to know about how to maintain a loving marriage, you have gone as far as you can. Your conscience can rest. The rest is up to her. Then, if she still hasn't joined you, you won't want her anyway and the ultimate end of that is sadness and grief which you will survive, but you can't make her happy - she has to do it herself. You can only point the way and lead her there.

I'll bet that if you get real obvious (but not obnoxiously so), leaving Dr. Harley's books lying around with post-its on the parts you're reading about how to make her REALLY feel loved and happy, you'll find the opening you're looking for - she won't be able to resist your attempts to really love her well. (This might irritate her at first, or if she actually is still having an affair. Just trust your instincts and go the distance.) There are also books like "The Five Love Languages" and such. Remember back to when you first met? What things did you do that made her glow? Can't remember? Then ask her friend what you could do to rock her world! Turn this thing around on the friend and use her to get the information you need to win your wife's heart. That'll diffuse the friend too. (She may be doing this out of jealousy too. This is a good way to send the message, without having to say it, that what God has brought together, no man or woman can separate. And you do it with sincerity and a smile on your face.) See what I mean? You gotta become a double-agent! You're fighting a battle of the spirit. You gotta strategize it with spirit. Dr. Harley calls these acts you will do 'filling her love bank' by making deposits - actions, not just words.

Did you ever think that what your wife wants to see is you FIGHT FOR HER? And that is the spark of the passion? She triggered your fears. That put you in a parent-child type stance with each other, you needing her and her doling out favor. You need to change the dynamic to one of you being the knight and her the princess. She wants your masculinity, not your fears. She cares about your fears, but the spark comes from your demonstration of masculinity - think of what that looks like... competence, ability, strength, power over the scary things of the world. She wants you to protect her, love her, cherish her and she'll experience that when you become the 'gentleman powerful knight' who isn't afraid of a fight. Doesn't that make you feel more powerful too? Less fearful? Playing your own game where you know the rules and have the right skills?

A really good book (if you have any doubts about your power as a man) is "No More Christian Nice Guy". If you don't like that one, go to any Christian book store and look in the section you'd find that one - there are others. I only mention it because in today's culture, men are constantly bombarded with messages to be less masculine and that can really do damage when what most women are craving is the masculine.

You are obviously a good man. You just have to arm yourself with the most effective weapons. In this case, it means to arm your mind. I sense that your wife is craving for you to lead, as a CEO leads his organization or a general leads his army. Not with control, but with inspiration of the principles that work.

Warrior

(P.S. - It is common for men to think that women 'do' the relationship. Not true. Women do relationships, but most of us are just as unprepared for marriage as you. If your marriage endures, your wife will always love you and appreciate you for the things you learned and added to it.)

Wow. Just wow. Thank you Warrior for the amazing reply. I greatly appreciate the time you took to do that.

For the record, after some talking last night, I believe my wife is now ready for marriage counseling.