chalk that one up to a bad day

this divorce is going to happen... it's just a rocky road

wow...

yesterday we had three loud verbal fights over the course of the day

during my lunch break at work today i took a shot in the dark and fired off another settlement propasal. an hour ago, she agreed to it in principal!

finally some light at the end of the tunnel

Have you tried any mediation yet? A room with another person who helps you stay on track and accomplish something without just hurting each other?

kinda moot now cat... we are signing and notarizing a settlement agreement

two nights in a row she has come over to the house to tell me how OM is basically stalking her and how her daughter gets into fits of rage because she hates OM... i've told her a few times how much it hurts just to hear his name but she doesn't have anybody to talk to about these feelings so she burdens me with them

he was apparently over at her apartment today when he daughter came home from spending time with her father and there was another big fight

tonight as she is torturing me by saying all this, she shoved my wedding band on my finger. she doesn't believe me when i say maybe if her daughter had not met two of the three men and known what her mother had been doing that maybe it wouldn't be that way but she sees it differently

her ex wants her back too clouding the waters even more

i was at an amusement park with my son today and i kept seeing happy couples to the point where i feel sick right now. maybe its the zoloft i popped this afternoon... haven't had one in six months but thought maybe i should get back on em because i need help keeping my emotions in check here lately

my son has been wimpering at lots of little things... i can tell that all this is affecting him too

three men... and now that OM3 isn't working out she just thinks that i should just put the wedding band back on and try again but dangit it just doesn't work that way

all i ever wanted was a happy family

the zoloft is kicking in... makes me yawn alot and it makes me eat less... for the first two weeks it kinda feels like cheap amphetamines do as you get that flourescent light bulb-like constant hum in ure head

(did drugs back in the day but I've been clean for many years)

overall it does work for me. i started taking it sometime in 2005. WW kept breaking NC and it was driving me batty. i'm kinda like that tom cruise guy in that i don't like anti-depressants in general and specifically over the long haul. think i stopped taking it in mid 2007. it's really ironic that WW started her third affair around that time... but again, i digress

so the other day after getting home from the amusement park, i found this six-month-old bottle of zoloft... beckoning me. doesn't make the problems go away but it does help me deal with em

the woman i emailed... hasn't emailed me back since... the offer to be friends first apparently didn't work. just as well, i guess

and it seems like the more independence i exhibit, the more WW expresses interest in me. i was talking to a female co-worker the other day who said that women often like what they can't have. it's one theory i guess. i just think WW has more emotional baggage than i ever realized

sometimes when i think that, i get to thinking well hey it's not her fault; that she is so messed up and i should stay with her, help her

but in the end, i want to be her husband not her IC

i feel guilty about that sometimes... like i am giving up on her. the third affaiar really hurt me

when she came over the other day... looking for sympathy... telling me about how her daughter kept telling her OM how much she hated him... it just felt like a dagger in the back, ya know? almost like she'd rather see me in pain than not see me at all... she'd rather come over to piss me off than not come over at all

the zoloft is kicking in... it doesn't take the problems away but...

what a blessed day!

a salvation army officer from territorial headquarters (a bigwig) came to my office today and basically signed off on a plan to get a much nicer, a much larger office today

basically they trusted me to start a new office in a new town in early 2006, seen how well things have gone, and are now trusting me with more... im way excited

in addition, a local church dropped off $200 worth of food an hour ago and promised to help with more on a regular basis... my outreach work is finally paying off

That sounds great. I'm glad things are coming together for you.

One question: are you working your way UP to your previous level of medicine? I know my doctor had to start me off at low dosage and work up, so if you're just starting at your maximum, it may be dangerous (mind altering) for you.

Good work, on your job, though. You must be a really nice guy.

nah i never worked my way up... its dosage

i just got done reading a 20 page thread documenting a two month struggle of a BS to keep a marriage alive

really wish i never stopped posting to this board after D-Day three and a half years ago... missed alot of advise

been reading alot of threads like that and i wish i could say that my marriage wasn't ending this way. i say stuff like that sometimes and then other times i feel like breaking something to vent anger

i tried to save my marriage. for six months after D-day my wife kept contacting her lover no matter what i did exposure wise. a few months after she stopped contacting him, she filed a sexual harrassment suit against her employer, and no matter what she said, i always felt like maybe she brought some of it on herself. then a few months after this, in early 2006, she started seeing the third man

i'm so gullible

this woman who was sexually abused as a child, beat by her first husband, chronically addicted to marijuana and she cheated on me with at least three different men... in our seven years of marriage, there hasn't been a six month stretch without some form of inappropriate sexual contact

dude number three was just over at her place like a week ago

but she calls me like two or three times a day...scared of the divorce... still flirts like nothing happened

my family hates her

my son loves her and misses her soooo much

several times she has come right out and said that she wants to come home if i will put in the effort to show her some affection

this ahole boyfriend over at her place a week ago and i'm supposed to be the one asking her out on dates? proving my worth??

is it the MB way to keep trying??? is it?

Honestly? I think both of you need severe counseling. Separately. And not so you can reconcile, but so you can spend the rest of your lives (separately) making better decisions. So you can learn why you lean toward someone like that, and stop doing it. And so she can straighten out her life and start making good decisions. She has severe chronic problems that are not going to be solved with your enabling. She needs to do that on her own, for her own reasons. Maybe somewhere down the road the two of you can meet up again and see if things have improved. But for the time being, my advice is just work on yourself. Learn to be ok on your own. And be careful with that medicine; jumping back into it like that can seriously mess you up.

wow. that borders on being mean. a simple no, the problems between yall are beyond MB principals was all you really needed to say

i fell in love with a woman who hurt me just like lots of others here. and while i may be depressed about it i'm not crazy. yea maybe i could use some counseling. but the implication behind severe counseling makes it sound like i need to be in a loony bin

and the fact that i fell in love with a woman who had emotional problems from the get go doesn't mean i'm crazy or that i can only fall in love with people like her. you know nothing about my life before her. i've never been in a relationship like that before. i wanted to help her have a better life but i bit off more than i can chew

you should really think harder before you post stuff like that

Well, while cat's delivery may not have been optimal, she close to being right on.

Your W is a serial cheater, and I doubt anything will stop that behavior, given her track record. You tried Plan A (which scored you her starting up another affair), and you are basically in a Plan B now (separated). She is sleeping with someone as we speak. So what else is there to do?

As for you, this has been a very long road for you, and I doubt you have much gas left. I would gather up all you have left and focus on yourself instead of on getting your W to stop her affairs. I would ask you why you are having sex with a woman who is having sex with someone else.

I would think that at this point, you should cut all cords to her, and start moving forward. If she decides to wake up and join you, great - but if not, you can move on.

AGG

charlie, I'm sorry if I offended. But you're throwing out a lot of red flags, and I only want that you look at them honestly. You're moving along, propped up with medicine without a doctor's supervision, and making comments that scare me. So I spoke what I saw. If I'm off base, you're welcome to ignore me. But you did come here and ask for advice; I gave what I thought you needed to hear, to make the changes you need to make. JMO, of course, so please do ignore me.

btw, when I say severe, I mean don't just dabble in it, but set yourself up for regular sessions with a C so that you can (1) get past your current hurt and (2) find out your contribution to the situation so that it doesn't happen again. It doesn't mean I think you're crazy. "i wanted to help her have a better life" can be symptomatic of several potential issues that you will never understand if you don't ask for help about it.

Plus, you're taking medicine without seeing a doctor and without moving your dosage up in a safe way. BTDT, and it can be dangerous. Again, no offense intended, just concern.

Charlie,

Catperson's explanation above about her intent, to me, is spot on. You have been advised to work on yourself and she's giving you a starting point. IC...for YOU. Even getting it here and reading many books is better than nothing if you don't have the inclination and/or fundage to pursue professional advice.

Your post above says it all. If you read here long enough and buy into Dr. Harley's concepts you will realize that love is a choice. It's not a simple hole you fell into. You CHOOSE this wife, whom, as you said, you wanted to "help her have a better life" and then realized you bit off more than you can chew.

Why did you do that?

And

What will prevent you from doing it again?

History OFTEN repeats itself unless you, yourself (or with counseling) address this issue, IMO.

The world is full of men and women that have married three, four, five times, only then to discover that no matter where they went and who they married/dated...there they were.

I also agree with Melody Lane's response to you. Getting divorced from this wife may substantially, in itself, be addressing your problems.

But what then???

I KNOW there is an instinct inside of every betrayed divorcing husband to run out and find someone new and better...quick. Maybe it's just an instinct that you need a helper for your child. Maybe it's motivated by a "I'll show her" vengence to demonstrate how YOU weren't the problem and you'll show her by getting someone better...immediately. Regardless, your ego has taken a beating and admiration/love for someone new...anybody new...is extremely desirous. However, it IS a bad idea. You've likely read that Dr. Harley advises a waiting period. I forget the number he uses...something like at least 1 year post divorce for every 5 years of marriage.

Besides...BH's are emotional basketcases. Your emotions are so out of whack you are and have been taking anti-depressants on and off for several years. Exactly what type/kind of healthy woman to you think you'd attract???? (I'll answer for you....NONE). Unhealthy women are attracted to unhealthy men. Divorced BH's are magnets of disfunctionality. Any new relationship you consider SHOULD wait.

Of course...if you were single and childless I'd be less concerned about it. However, the consequences of FUTURE poor choices will be incurred by you AND your son. Your son is a big reason for you to seek counsel and get to a place where you can make rational non-emotive choices about your/his future.

I hope you understand I am not lecturing you. I am trying to be helpful to you here. Your sensitivity to the earlier post is a good indication of your emotional fortitude right now. Work on yourself. Be the best father you can be. Become happy as a single individual FIRST and then find that other happy someone to share your happiness with.

Your mileage may vary.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - If you haven't got the message that I don't hold a lot of hope out for your marriage you are right. I think she is dangerous for you to be around. Let God work on her and you work on you. If she does come around hoping to reconcile you need to be of rational distanced mind to make a non-emotional well thought out decision about whether she is genuinely marriage material for you. At your age and multiple infidelies I just think it's flat out crazy for you to consider putting your heart on the line again without an OVERWHELMING demonstration, over a prolonged period of time, by your stbxw, of repentence, remorse, openness and honesty, transparency, ETC., ETC. I'm sorry to say...that's unlikley (not impossible and through God, I believe strongly, that ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE).

thanks for the additional beatings MrW and AGG

yall just dont get it.. i know i'm a basketcase of emotions right now... what sane person would not be a basketcase given what i have been through

i am not having regular sex with my stbx AGG... it happened once since we got separated in june and it was admitedly a moment of weakness because i am a basketcase

MrW... i am not out seeking another girlfriend like i'm some co-dependenat ahole. the girl that i refer to sometimes is a social worker in the area who i respect alot... whose opinion i respect alot. nothing sexual has happened between us. you spent at least ten minutes writing about how i'm apt to go out seeking another woman. heeelllllooo... i'm not dating anybody.... i've been trying to spend time with my son and pumping extra effort into work to take my mind off all this

why are you people acting like all this is my fault? like i'm doomed to repeat this failure without "serious counseling"

and the zoloft? it's prescribed by a doctor... an active prescription... yea i took a break for six months from it. sue me. generally speaking i don't like drugs. but i'm admitedly a basketcase and with the divorce getting closer, the emotions are running a little higher than normal

cut me some slack yall

i see all this bickering and arguing on this site... people saying mean stuff... seen alot of "old timers" quitting here recently... yall need to take a good look at yourselves... crap like this is why people are getting pissed

I AM A VICTIM... I CAME HERE FOR SUPPORT

Again, I'm sorry for offending you. It seems that my post, which I tried to phrase forcefully enough for you to notice, backfired and caused you pain. I am not trying to hurt your feelings or appear uncaring; I do feel for you. Hopefully others will have the message for you that you want to hear.

Charlie,

In all fairness, you did ask for advice:


And I said:


So what about this is a "2x4"? You may not agree, but sheesh, are you asking only for validating advice or a shoulder to cry on? If so, you should say so.

Look bud, I was married to a cheating psychoslut, I know the pain. And I am much happier being divorced from her. And I think your situation is even worse than mine was.

All I am trying to tell you is what I think is best for you. Feel free to not agree, but don't shoot the messenger.

AGG

i'm not looking for a shoulder to cry on AGG


that line bugged me... i was honest about what happened and admitted in the same post that it was a mistake because i have moments of confusion still

i don't mind people being honest with me... validating advice, whatever you want to call it... it's just a tough time in my life and i'm sure you remember it too

Fair enough. But again, here is how you described it:


See, it's that bolded part that I was referring to. Like you said, she can play you like a fiddle, and does. So my advice to you was to step back, ponder why you allow her to play you (while screwing around), and perhaps resolve to stop letting her do that.

Again, I am on your side bud. I know you are hurting - and the best way to stop the headache sometimes is to stop beating your head against the wall. You are a good guy, I just want to see you not suffer, especially when you do have the power to end the suffering.

Anyway, I am sorry for the tough advice, but I do believe in it. I hope you can move forward.

AGG