Just wanted to make sure the BS's who are in Plan B stick to their plans during the holiday season.

If the WS tries to make contact claiming the adultery has ended make sure that ALL conditions spelled out in the Plan B letter are met before letting WS spend the holidays with you.

My WXH used us, making false promises, just to get to spend a Christmas at home with us (several years ago). He was only home for 4 days then off he went back to the OW!

Don't make the same mistake I made. If your WS contacts you and claims they are ready to come back home, IMHO they should have to not only prove the adultery has ended but maybe even wait until after the holidays are over to move back home. After all, if they are telling the truth and serious about recovery they'd still feel the same after the holidays, right?

Great post!

Yes!!!! I went to Plan B in September and after the first couple of days heard NOTHING from WH. Three days before Christmas, he called me at work and announced he was in the process of moving back home.

I was so excited, I posted the great news here. Luckily Melody and others told me to ask him if OW was out of the picture. I raced home, and he told me she wasn't but would be soon. I was fortunate to keep him out. Otherwise I would have been right back in the mess with the affair being rubbed in my face.

Even though I haven't had any contact with my wife in 11 months, Christmas is coming up and I now make four times what I did before she abandoned me.

She is in dire financial straits and I can afford to buy Christmas.

News flash, another woman is going to get a great Christmas this year.

Well, two of the threads I read so far today have WS's attempting false recoveries for the holidays.

Amazingly in both of those cases the WS isn't even pretending to agree to end it with the OW or wanting to work on marital recovery!

In one case the WS wants the BW to go with him to visit his family and pretend all is well (his family doesn't know yet about his adultery).

In another case the WH says he wants to come home for financial reasons and for the kids.

Brazen IMHO. And I thought my WH was being such a jerk when he pulled his false recovery stunt just to spend a Christmas with us! Simply Amazing IMHO!

I'm increasingly of the opinion that maybe recovery should take as long as the adultery/fog/withdrawal...

While the WS coming to their senses and the adultery ending ASAP is what we all hope and pray for, maybe once the adultery ends and the WS claims they've changed, recovery should be taken step-by-step and with extreme caution?

It's the WS's assumption that the same mess they spent maybe months or even years to create can be miraculously fixed in an instant, combined with the BS's hopes, that exposes the BS and BC (Betrayed Children) to being exploited by the WS during the holidays.

Maybe there should be a sort of recovery lock-out over the holidays? If WS hasn't met Plan B conditions by say September or October and moved back home by then, they will have to wait until January to get their next chance to move home?

This would protect the BS and BC from the WS just using them for a brief fake recovery intended only to allow the WS to come home for Christmas, knowing full weel they intend to go right back to the OP after Christmas.

Meremortal,

Just to clarify the situation for notyetgivenup. Her FWH ended his affair two years ago and there has been NC. After trying for two years, she has decided that she just can not, and doesn't want to recover her marriage after his infidelity.

She is not in plan B, she decided to divorce him and they are separated pending a divorce. I get the impression that he doesn't really want the divorce, but she obviously does. He is clearly trying to hold on to the relationship.

Who

Believer:

Thanx for posting about your WH's suspicious attempt to move back home for Christmas.

I think it will help the newer posters here if we can warn them of this typical and despicable WS tactic.

Thanx for the clarification WhoMe.

Is this the same thread where the WH (FWH?) wants her to go to his parents house for the holidays and his parents don't even know about the adultery and separation? If he has ended the adultery and all contact with the OW then at least his recovery attempt could be seen as genuine and not just a timely ploy because of the holidays...

However I still don't understand why his parents still know nothing about anything?!?

And in any case it is pretty darn bizarre IMHO to expect a BS to pretend all is well to the family over the holidays.

I know for me personally, my WXH would have to tell his family the full truth before I would ever consider reconciliation. Maybe that particular WH caring more about appearances than his marriage is a factor in WHY his BW is no longer interested in recovery?

But again, thanx for the clarification.

MM,

Yes that is the situation. I agree that it is weird that he hasn't told his family. I think that perhaps he is still hoping for reconcilliation and doesn't want them to know just in case.

IMVHO, not isn't really as sure about divorcing him as she should be. He is still able to pull on her heartstrings because she isn't as indifferent to him as she would like to believe. SHe has had a very tough time getting to the decision to even leave him.

I tried to convince her to schedule some coaching here on MB because I thought they had a shot at recovering but she decided against it.

It still makes me sad to see marriages end here. Especially ones that probably could survive with just a smidge more effort.

Who

Bumping for those who have not yet had to deal with the heartbreak of their WS conning them into a false recovery for the holidays...

In the hopes that I can prevent others from caving to this most tempting but most hurtful exploitation.

If your WS isn't willing to meet ALL conditions of the Plan B letter and to PROVE that they have ended it with the OP then do NOT allow them to spend the holidays with you!!!

Been there - done that - never again!

Another "bonus" of Christmas is it is a good time to catch the affairees. Seems they can't keep apart on that day. So it is a good time to spy, and watch spouses (men, especially) who suddenly want to go shopping for the wife.

Good point believer!

The last Christmas my WXH spent @ home before moving out, he suddenly decided to go Christmas shopping all by himself, ALL day, December 24th... Supposedly he had just realized he had not gone Christmas shopping for me yet... He refused to take any of our daughters with him...

When he came home, many, many hours later, he wrapped the crap he had gotten for me: a handful of things that probably came from the dollar store and certainly would not have taken that long to buy...nothing special...

He moved out in January and claims he didn't start dating OW until after he moved out...

And for guys it can be a good time to hunt for little things like a bottle of aftershave that you don't get under the tree on Christmas morning or new necklace or earrings that your wife just happens to have appear a day or two before Christmas.

And if she has any new lingerie, she had better wear it for her husband before it ever hits the hamper...

And for the newbies, yes, they are that stupid...

Mark

Good point Mark!

And another bump...

For those who may be tempted to interpret a last minute contact from WS claiming to be ready to reconcile... just in time to come home for the holidays... don't worry we can discuss the details AFTER WS moves back in...as the MIRACLE they've been praying for!!!:

Repaired trust, proof of no contact, a period of accountability, GOING to some mc counseling (not merely promising to go), etc. takes longer than it does to thaw the turkey...

Bumpin' up again

Don't fall for false recovery attempts just in time AND JUST FOR the holidays.

WS's don't deserve to be home for the holidays until they can prove they are really ready to end the adultery and work on marital recovery.

Another thought on this along the same lines:

IF you are in Plan A, remember OW, in particular, HATE the holidays when they have to forego time with THEIR MM because he has to, God forbid, spend time with his family.

Schedule stuff. Occupy his time. Then run everything intentionally late. IF he's out (likely with other woman) call him to request little items for home or to discuss holiday matters.

TRY to make the home and the holidays EVERYTHING it's always been and more. Be as pleasant as you can under the circumstances and try to thoroughly enjoy the holidays despite the situation.

A few years ago I committed to myself that IF our marriage was going to end I was going to at least enjoy our last few months together as much as I could. I considered that it MAY be the last time my daughter would have us all together and I didn't want her memory of the end to be hostile and acromonious. I was willing to accept whatever outcome God intended. This attitude helped me Plan A. Although my situation was in the late spring/early summer I can only imagine the same for holidays for those involved here.

It's much harder for a wayward to leave a lovable spouse....BE LOVABLE.

Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas

Mr. Wondering

GREAT advice for those in Plan A Mr Wondering!

Bump

Plan A'ers: see Mr. Wondering's post above

Plan B'ers: stay dark until the WS meets ALL the Plan B letter conditions.