Yeah, I was indeed quick in posting yesterday that I wasn't able to include basic info re the affair and how I found it.
But first, let me thank both of u for coming into my rescue. With no one else to turn to, I appreciate it a lot!
We're married for 20 years; we're both in our early 40s; we got 2 kids (a girl aged 19 and a boy aged 14). OW is in mid-30s, working under his company but not in 1 office.
Anyway, the turn of events was really quick. It was just 3 weeks ago when my ordeal began... i cud burst in details here, which actually i wud feel good after..anyway, the first time i suspected something, H was good enough to make an alibi. I always believed in him, trusted him, just blindly in love with him...For 2 wks i made love to him like i never did trying to satisfy sexual desires he cud bent on other women...after that i just happen to discover thru DIVINE INTERVENTION something else he cud no longer deny. I was able to make him admit of his extra marital affair. With all the hurt I felt that time I made him choose: Is he willing to risk everything: his family, his job, his reputation? Is d OW worth that risk? He said NO... That afternoon i decided the three of us meet. I was afraid he wud warn OW to just get out of my reach. The meeting was, u wudn't believe it.. but i consider it all all done with Divine intervention. Me, being used by God as an instrument to change the lives of these 2 persons. I even befriended my H's mistress...for 4 days I was so calm and just surrendering it all to God. After that, maybe the human me took place...only then that my resentment, anger, fear, sorrow took place... With all that, and only my husband to talk with... i felt i was pushing him away...i felt so insecured in my life... last night, i just cried to him everything i felt...the agony of deception, betrayal, insecurity, hopelessness... he assured me though of his love for me and that he has never the intention of leaving me. He admitted to just having an adventure in his life with OW...maybe that's all i need to hear from him, the reassurance of his love and company...i felt better after that...
But now. i have this one problem. OW is still working with his company. He assured me he'll eventually stop her services to the company (OW works thru an agency) but when? I cud fire OW for reasons of immorality. I have the evidence to show to her superiors. But i don't want him to doubt my loyalty in him...What should I do? Should I just wait and just trust him to do this right? I feel so uneasy knowing she's just around...And if I do something myself I'm afraid i'll be making my H angry with me...I just felt stupid saying that but what cud i do?

just found out they saw each other yesterday in a meeting... H was just silent about it when all the time I wanted him to just be honest with me...with all my agony? how could he continue to deceive me? help!!!!! aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunshine,

If he's still in ANY contact with her, the affair still lives! don't believe anything WH says right now; he's addicted to OW. You might also want to stick to one thread. Just open this thread and do replies so everyone can keep track of your situation in one place.

It's too soon to expect honesty from WH. He's going to have to cut ALL contact with OW, write a no contact (NC) letter to her (which you approve). Once NC is established, he'll go through withdrawal (mean and nasty)...only then will he start coming out of the fog. You should expose to all...affairs thrive on secrecy; once they're exposed to the light of day, the ugliness of their actions is easier to see and don't look so appealing.

Good luck.

Thanks so much for ur time to reply...I tmeans a lot to me esp. when I have no one else to turn to...
My H and me had a confrontation last night and I was very hysterical... He said he lied about the meeting (a regular company meeting actually with all his workforce which takes place every Monday - info that he kept from me) because it was a business meeting and he has no intention of privately meeting the OW. He said that he just wanted to spare me of the pain hence evaded telling me. He told me he was even proud of himself that when she saw the OW, he felt nothing towards her anymore.
Is my husband sick? He just felt comfortable lying to me all these 20 years, and justifying that he wanted to spare from the pain. He's marketing man and sometimes treats his clients in red houses. I keep telling him now lying to me had not made me feel any better but worse and that he should know better this time about the effects his lies brought me/us.
I have no choice at this time but to believe him. There's too much at stake, esp. our kids who are both teenagers and my daughter is even a devoted Christian. If they hear about this, it would devastate them, and that's very unimaginable!!!
Actually, yesterday I called OW's agency just to get the new number of her cellphone (CP) but she was there so i had no choice but talk to her --- and she was just very arrogant! That's why I was very hysterical with my H... feeling my dignity was trampled upon by her mistress!!! I just feel so small!!!
I'm demanding him he should fire the OW asap but the problem now is that their company entered into contract with OW. Right now, i'm helping him find ways to fire her.
I told her I could pressure the OW to just resign from her job. But there's something at stake too - his reputation. We're afraid OW has evidences to bring him down, such his text messages OW might have saved in her CP.
This morning, he mentioned about meeting OW and convince her to resign. I told him that I like to be around and demanded from him to tell OW he didn't love her at all, that she was a mistake, that she just tempted him, etc... I asked him he'll meet OW under my terms and only if he could say the things I want him to say. He said he could.
This afternoon, I followed him up about meeting OW, he said he has no intention anymore. Whew! Should I think that he just couldn't tell OW the things I wanted him to say?
I decided to keep my husband...unless he says he wants out... I just don't think exposing the affair would bring our marriage/family any good. I just have to protect our kids and our reputation, too.
Right now, i'm just keeping my fingers crossed and hoping against hope my husband would be a changed man. But I'm doing my own little surveillance, having a couple of people whom i demanded top secrecy to observe the movements of my husband and OW. However, i didn't tell them an affair was on. I just told them that i'm suspecting...
Am i doing the right thing? I want to give him time to prove himself to me...though I feel just so restless, not doing anything to win my dignity back...
Please counsel...Thank you...

I drank myself to sleep last night with my husband witnessing and listening to my pain and mumbles...I just love it when i'm under alcohol bcause it's just so easy for me to to say all the things i wanna say re the pain, the fears, the doubts, etc... and just blame it on the alcohol. I just love it when my husband just takes care of me when I'm drank (it's the second time I got drank with him around during our entire marriage)...but, of course, afterwards i just hate the taste of alcohol and headache/drowsiness it brings...
With my head groggy and crying, I asked my husband to allow me to just express my resentment towards OW. (I managed to get her new number.) He didn't approve of the idea but finally agreed if only to appease my pain. I even asked him to be the one to call her and just transfer the phone to me, which he did...There! at least i was able to convey to OW how she pained me, and just wanted her to disappear from our lives... All these happened with my husband by my side. Do u think he really is serious about not wanting OW anymore?
I just want OW out of our sight...if my husband can't fire her, i must do something to pressure her to resign esp. that now I know that OW's agency manager is my sister's friend... I don't need to tell the entire truth. I could just say she's flirting/seducing my husband. Everyone believes my husband to be an exceptionally "good" person, and wth that I think all will be blamed upon OW. What do u think? Is that the right thing for me to do?
Please enlighten...

Sunshine,

Please don't ever get drunk and call OW again...it appears very unattractive to H and makes OW think you're a lush. It may make her even more bold with your WH; it gives her/them more fuel for the A.

Yes, you need to expose everything!! Your WH also needs to be accountable for his actions or he'll think he can do it any time he wants and blame OW. He's 100% accountable for his actions and until he gets that, he's vulnerable for another affair.

SS28,

How are you doing?

Just a question. Have I or anyone else mentioned reading everything on this site esp. Plan A/B and getting the book Surviving An Affair. It will help you understand what's going on with your WH and how to deal with it. H can't be taught anything right now as he's in "alien" land.

How was your Thanksgiving?

I don't think I can drink again... but last night I took a sleeping pill (my husband is on business trip) but still the thought of him kissing and hugging OW woke me up in the morning. what a bad day to start with!!! I told him so... but this time no more the crying... i want to believe he's also suffering from causing me this pain... I want to believe he really loves me and just made a terrible mistake in his life...

Anyway, he promised me OW will only be up to end of the month with her job in the company. Let's see then what would happen...

Maybe i'm feeling better this time... I just witnessed Steve Kuban's concert and it helped a lot hearing him say we should not allow the devil to take away our happiness... and I'm just trying to do that... slowly though... it's just not that easy... human as i am...
Yeah, i'll take a look again re Plan A/B. I would have wanted us together when we go thru it...but we just didn't had the opportunity...I'll try to really find time for it...

Thank you very much for your concern. Really, it meant a lot... Please continue checking on me. I really appreciate the time and effort you afforded me... Your my angels...

By the way, I'm seeing a pastor for enlightenment, and prayers too... It's just that I couldn't get my husband to realize he should not do it again because he fears God or doesn't want to displease Him... I asked him how he could not do that again with the same me, the same family... and he just replied that he'll have self-control next time...Whew! quite a thing to worry about bcause he just lost his self-control!!! I want him to have deeper and more meaningful reason not to do it next time.. and what else could be more deeper than the fear of the Lord?

Also, I plan to see a counselor... I just need to know how to deal psychologically my dilemma ... And I just need to tell warm bodies about my pain other than my husband...

SS28,

You may want to move this thread over to GQII as there is more traffic and people who have much more knowledge/experience than I who can help you. I'm happy to post to you (and will keep doing so), but would like for you to have more thorough help.

Please know that WH's affair was 100% his responibility. The condition of your marriage prior to the affair was shared by you equally.

Once your H goes no contact, he'll go through a withdrawal period and will probably act mean and say mean things. During this time, try not to love bust (LB) or get into relationship discussions. The worst part of withdrawal should last about 3 weeks, then your H should start to emerge.

Keep posting here to vent and get advice from the pros.