This is the first time I post a message here so please forgive for writing too much. I'm in a very desperate situation and I don't know what to do. We have marriaged over a year and I recently lost my newborn son due to his sickness when he was inside my stomach. We cremated him because my husband wanted to move out of state and I did not want to burry him at a place where I can't come to visit in a regular basis. My husband agreed with my decision but got upset that it was not what he really wanted because he wanted to burry him next to his dad.



Anyway, he proposed to me that from now on he wants to be the one who ultimately makes the final decision in all the big decisions. I don't want to say "yes" because I believe we should both make the decision if it involves family and kids. I love him a lot and I used to give in and let he takes control in the past and told him he could make all the decisions. However, after the lost of our son, I have matured and I told him I want to be honest with him that I can't promise him that. I told him I will try my best to sacrifice and let him make all the decisions if I can accommodate it but if he wants me to promise to submit to him 100%, I know I can't. I explained to him that this is not possible regardless how much I love him. My husband told me that this is not what he wants to have in a wife so he wanted us to get DIVORCE. I love my husband and I want to be with him. He is a good husband who takes care of the family, provide for us, and even cooks very well. He is however stubborn and would not change his mind or go to marriage counselor. Also, he believes the husband has to be the one who in charge of the family and so he is serious about being the ultimate decision maker. He loves his mom a lot and this is also partly her belief that has been implanted on him so he will not change it. He told me he will consider my ideas if we disagree on something but he still gets to make the final call no matter what. But I can not say "yes" because I know ten or 20 years down the road there maybe a time which I can't always say yes to his decision and I don't want him to think that I don't keep my promise.



I'm so sad right now because our son just passed away less than three weeks ago. I feel sad because I think if he loves me he would not propose this and put a condition on our relationship. I love my husband very much and I want to be with him. I'm so confused. I'm so sad and depressed over the whole thing. I'm living with my family right now an hour fly away from my husband because initially I was going to have my baby here and get help from my family to take care of him. I'm still recovering from the C-section. Without my family support, I would have done crazy things or suicide. My family said he is a controlling man the way he acts but they told me whatever I decide, they will still love me. This is our first marriage and my husband although 35 now has never had a serious relationship or dated much before marrying me. I did dated but just like my husband, we are both new to relationship when we met each other so I did not know what I was looking for in a man.



Can someone please help me to see it clear? My husband said all he wanted is a wife who will submit to him and that he still loves me. But he said if I did not let him be the ultimate decision maker in the future, he wants me to sign the divorce paper. How can I make him understand that a husband and wife should have equal right sand saying in a family's decision? Should I stay in the marriage no matter what? Will I be happy staying in the marriage with a man who wants to control? How do I know I will not regret with my decision in the future (either say yes to stay with him or he will divorce me)? Is there any alternative? I don't want to get a divorce for something like this... Thank you for reading. Please help.

sadpain, this place is usually about fixing a marriage, but I don't get the sense that that is possible in your situation. You don't seem like a strong enough person to stand up to him to demand equal respect, he will likely never change his mind as you said, and you sound like the marriage is only good as long as you are invisible and supportive. But that's not a marriage - that's being a servant.

First, you need to be seeing a therapist. NOW! Probably for many months, to be able to deal with both the death of your son and your problem marriage.

I urge you to read about abusive relationships. An abusive husband will often move the spouse away from her support structure (your family) so that she becomes totally dependent on him.

I may be wrong, and others here may disagree, but you sound like you are in a no-win situation. Do you have other children? If this is indeed an abusive situation, you are teaching those children to be like him to accept abuse when they grow up. Please consider accepting the divorce.

Dear Catperson,

Thank you for your reply. You have helped me see it clear. A lot of your explanations makes sense and how you say it helps me see it in a professional way.


You are right, now that I think about it he did do many things that may consider abusive. He did take me away (8 hours from my family) to where he lives with his mom. But it was also my false because I love him so much so I gave in and move it with him. Here I don’t have any friends or family and I can’t drive freeway so I take the train to work and depend on him to take me anywhere else. I feel like I’m being jailed so I’m only happy when he is home after work. He is workaholic (only 3 days off a month) even though we can live comfortably with our income even if we only work 3-4 days a week. We are both dentists but he works hard and makes twice as much as I do and just likes to see the number going up in the bank account. If I ask him to work less, he got mad saying that I’m demanding. When he is home, we cooks and he just fall asleep after that so I’m in a constant stage of needing more of him. Don’t get me wrong because it was not the sex I was looking for but the affection. He is too tired after work so we probably have sex once a week and 99% of the times I make the move. Before I used to dream a lot about an affectionate husband but now I have gotten used to it and I don’t mind about the frequency

He watches everything I say or do to make sure I don’t say wrong things to his mom. The day before my son passed away, I combed his hair but his mom told me “it looks ugly when you do it, let me do it”. I was very very sad but I could not scream to her that no matter what I do to my son he is still beautiful. So I held my breath and just say “he is always beautiful in my eyes”. My husband witnessed everything and said that I was disrespectful to her so I had to apology to her. His mom only complained us about our son and said that our son got water in his lungs because I drank too much water. When the Dr. said there was nothing we could have done or ate or drunk to cause our son like this or change the situation, she said I must had had a bad egg that month, or due to my birth control in the past, or because I did not do enough good deed. I just stay quiet to what she said and cried on my own. I told him his mom was so insensitive to tell me all these when my son was dying in the hospital and I was already in pain to the bottom of the earth. He told me I could not use the word “insensitive” to her and he said as a son/daughter, we have to respect our parents so whatever she said or do, I will have to take it or we may face a divorce. When we argue about something even as small as a puppy’s hair color, if he says he does not want to hear it anymore and I keep on saying, he will yell and shut the door and drive away. When he comes back he sleeps on the cough. There was one time we had a fight in the morning and I told him I will have a coworker take me home. He insisted to take me home but in the car he yelled at me and hit the wheel as if he was out the control and he told me if I did not say “sorry” to him he would hit the car into the divider and both of us would die. I was afraid that he would do it and regret later so I said “sorry” to him but I did not think I was at fault or what I needed to say sorry for. Then I cried a lot because I was forced to do it. Then he put his hands over my shoulder and said he loved me and that “it’s over don’t cry”. It happens many times like this when he got mad and drove away. I cried many times after married to the point that I feel scared to go back to it.

I’m living with my family now since this is where we initially planned to have our child and get help. I know he is controlling and abusive but a lot of time it was my false because I did put up and give in every time so I have made him this way. That is why now after our son’s death I realize I have to be honest with him about my feelings. He said he still loves me and that he will never get married again if we divorce. He told me he knows his demand to be the Ultimate Decision Maker in the family many not be accepted by many people, but he can’t change himself. So either I stay with him and say yes or we go our separate way and he will love me forever and will not marry again. . I just wonder sometimes why he married me if he did not need me to make money, cook, or even for sex… He only wants me to listen to everything he says and don’t nag on his long working hours. We did not have communication in the past. But recently he has promised will be patient and stop yelling or walking away and start communicating.

This is our first child and I’m 31 now and he is 35. We don’t have any other child. We just got married for a year. Before that, we both did not date much especially him (he never kissed anyone before me and was a virgin) so he tends to be the one who says “let’s break up” whenever we had a fight during the dating years and now “let’s divorce”. My big lingering question is whether he really means it or he just says it out of anger like he did in the past when we were dating. And this is what hanging me on despite all the things he did.

I really love him and really want to do everything we can to save the relationship so we don’t have to regret later. How can I make him understand his controlling behavior should change. I think he loves me and that’s why he wants to control and protect me and he thinks what he tells me to do is right for me. I know he may not change but I want to do everything on my part until I let go, I don’t have to regret. What can I do? He would not go to marriage counselor. I know he is the one who brings up divorce so I don’t have to feel regret if we do, but I still want to make sure he did not say it out of anger. He did not date in the past before we married so his idea about relationship and marriage is How should I deal with the loss of our son and the tress of losing my husband at the same time? What steps should I take so I can emotionally okay knowing that I have done the right decision? Sometimes I wish he had many girlfriends in the past so he could appreciate me more. Should I let him go so he can see other people to compare and appreciate me more? What if he meets a girl who does not love him and lie to him that she would let him control her but actually just using him? If we divorce, do I need to go to a lawyer and what are my rights? Right now I'm living with my family and I asked him to give me 3 months to think about it. But I don't think I did anything wrong why he wanted to divorce me?


Thank you so much for your help and for reading my long writings. I appreciate it.

Sadpain,

Welcome to MarriageBuilders. Thank you for being here and posting your story.

I think you are unsure of where to post here...on which forum. Understandable. I suggest the Emotional Needs Forum. If we had a Love Busters Forum (which we don't), that would be the place.

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The EN board gets the second highest traffic for your post to be seen, so it will get more responses. Would you please repost over there?

And have you read all the articles on this website by Dr. Harley? Please do so...so you can better understand his concepts, be aware of your own Love Bank and LBs, and ENs.

Thank you for your perseverance in posting today...please know you're important to this board.

LA