This is the first time I post a message here so please forgive for writing too much. I'm in a very desperate situation and I don't know what to do. We have marriaged over a year and I recently lost my newborn son due to his sickness when he was inside my stomach. We cremated him because my husband wanted to move out of state and I did not want to burry him at a place where I can't come to visit in a regular basis. My husband agreed with my decision but got upset that it was not what he really wanted because he wanted to burry him next to his dad.



Anyway, he proposed to me that from now on he wants to be the one who ultimately makes the final decision in all the big decisions. I don't want to say "yes" because I believe we should both make the decision if it involves family and kids. I love him a lot and I used to give in and let he takes control in the past and told him he could make all the decisions. However, after the lost of our son, I have matured and I told him I want to be honest with him that I can't promise him that. I told him I will try my best to sacrifice and let him make all the decisions if I can accommodate it but if he wants me to promise to submit to him 100%, I know I can't. I explained to him that this is not possible regardless how much I love him. My husband told me that this is not what he wants to have in a wife so he wanted us to get DIVORCE. I love my husband and I want to be with him. He is a good husband who takes care of the family, provide for us, and even cooks very well. He is however stubborn and would not change his mind or go to marriage counselor. Also, he believes the husband has to be the one who in charge of the family and so he is serious about being the ultimate decision maker. He loves his mom a lot and this is also partly her belief that has been implanted on him so he will not change it. He told me he will consider my ideas if we disagree on something but he still gets to make the final call no matter what. But I can not say "yes" because I know ten or 20 years down the road there maybe a time which I can't always say yes to his decision and I don't want him to think that I don't keep my promise.



I'm so sad right now because our son just passed away less than three weeks ago. I feel sad because I think if he loves me he would not propose this and put a condition on our relationship. I love my husband very much and I want to be with him. I'm so confused. I'm so sad and depressed over the whole thing. I'm living with my family right now an hour fly away from my husband because initially I was going to have my baby here and get help from my family to take care of him. I'm still recovering from the C-section. Without my family support, I would have done crazy things or suicide. My family said he is a controlling man the way he acts but they told me whatever I decide, they will still love me. This is our first marriage and my husband although 35 now has never had a serious relationship or dated much before marrying me. I did dated but just like my husband, we are both new to relationship when we met each other so I did not know what I was looking for in a man.



Can someone please help me to see it clear? My husband said all he wanted is a wife who will submit to him and that he still loves me. But he said if I did not let him be the ultimate decision maker in the future, he wants me to sign the divorce paper. How can I make him understand that a husband and wife should have equal right sand saying in a family's decision? Should I stay in the marriage no matter what? Will I be happy staying in the marriage with a man who wants to control? How do I know I will not regret with my decision in the future (either say yes to stay with him or he will divorce me)? Is there any alternative? I don't want to get a divorce for something like this... Thank you for reading. Please help.

So sorry to hear of your loss. I have also lost a son, 6 years ago. The pain lessens, but unfortunaltly never leaves.
You didn't mention if you have other children.
does you husband try to control other aspects of your life? What you wear, if you work outside the home, etc? If he tries to control other aspects of your life and you don't have other children. I would seriously think twice about staying married. As you do grow and mature, having someone control who you are can be very stifling and can lead to tremendous resentment on your part, which will lead to further problems down the road.
How long have you been married? and how old are you?

You need to get yourself back at home with your husband ASAP.

Losing a child is something that makes people a little crazy. We say and do things that we would not have otherwise.

This is only your husband's way of dealing with his loss. When we lose something so precious as a child, we feel out of control...we want to regain control...we think that will make the pain go away.

This is especially so for a man...a man thinks it is his job to be responsible for his family...for their survival.

Also, disagreements over burial are classic. I went through something similar with my husband when our eight year old died many years ago.

This 'crazyness' will last about one year. The best thing to do is not make any changes during this time and that includes getting a divorce, living some place different, changing jobs, etc. Someday you will look back and be amazed that you said and felt and did the things you did during this grieving time and so will your husband.

Go home and find a chapter of "Compassionate Friends" in your community and attend the meetings with your H. You and your H need to be around other couples who have lost a child right now.

Hello Wiser,

Thank you so much for your response and I'm also sorry for your loss also. We don't know how it feels losing a child until we actually lose one. This is our first child so it was very tough for us to deal with it. They found out he got edema which drains all the lymphs to the lungs cavity and under the skin rather than staying the the blood vessels. All the lab tests for me and him came back negative so no one knows how to treat him and the dr. said his condition is so rare as a lightening strike. He fought very hard for 27 days but eventually exhausted. His loss came slowly so at least I did not go crazy. However, I have fallen in love with him so deeply over the 27 days that I stayed in the NICU with him. It feels a lot better knowing someone understand what I go through. Thanks for sharing and God blesses you.

We have married for over a year and I'm 31 in December and he's 35. My family told me the same thing you said. Yes, he is controlling in other things. But I guess it was partly my false because since the beggining I gave in. For example, we met in school but our hometowns are 8 hours apart. Before we got married he said if I did not move to where he lived (since he wanted to be close to his mom) then we would break up. I gave in and moved in with him and his mom because I was lonely at the time after the death of my mother 6 months prior to it. He always pay attention to how I talk or things I do in front of his mom and would get very upset if he things I said or did something wrong to upset her, which I never did. Sometimes I unintentionally said something about his friend or family and he understood in a different way, he could get very mad and angry, yelled at me and took off then come back and sleep in the couch. I'm in a constant stage of worry if I said or do something wrong because he can get very moody. He is workaholic (he has only 3 days off a month although we would have comfortable income even if we only work 4 days a week) and when I asked him to work less and he got upset again because he said I was nagging and demanding. The year after married and pregnant I cried many times and wanted to move back home but never had the courage. Now that I'm comfortable at home with my family, I feel nervous to come back to the life I used to with him.

However, I still love him very much. Especially, after the loss of our son, we have shared the emotional pain and have learned to appreciate each other and especially my husband who never wanted a child but now he really wants children. He has promised not to get moody and make me cry again. And looking at our son's picture and how cute he is, I really want to have another one just like him. I know it is hard for someone to change but I don't want to give up and just destroy a 5 year relationship. He loves me but I have a feeling his job and mom come before me. His mom never said any comforting words to me ever since she knew my son was sick. Instead, she told me my son got water in the lungs because I drank too much water or ate wrong food. Until the doctors said nothing we ate or did could have caused it, she told me probably my egg was the bad one to fall that month, that it was due to the birth control we used, that probably did not do enough good deeds to have him. I however just handle it and did not say anything besides trying to avoid talking to her to hear more complains. I combed his hair the day he passed away and she told me "the way you combed his hair looks ugly, let me do it". I was so sad and
Hello Wiser,

Thank you so much for your response and I'm also sorry for your loss also. We don't know how it feels losing a child until we actually lose one. This is our first child so it was very tough for us to deal with it. They found out he got edema which drains all the lymphs to the lungs cavity and under the skin rather than staying the the blood vessels. All the lab tests for me and him came back negative so no one knows how to treat him and the dr. said his condition is so rare as a lightening strike. He fought very hard for 27 days but eventually exhausted. His loss came slowly so at least I did not go crazy. However, I have fallen in love with him so deeply over the 27 days that I stayed in the NICU with him. It feels a lot better knowing someone understand what I go through. Thanks for sharing and God blesses you.

We have married for over a year and I'm 31 in December and he's 35. My family told me the same thing you said. Yes, he is controlling in other things. But I guess it was partly my false because since the beggining I gave in. For example, we met in school but our hometowns are 8 hours apart. Before we got married he said if I did not move to where he lived (since he wanted to be close to his mom) then we would break up. I gave in and moved in with him and his mom because I was lonely at the time after the death of my mother 6 months prior to it. He always pay attention to how I talk or things I do in front of his mom and would get very upset if he things I said or did something wrong to upset her, which I never did. Sometimes I unintentionally said something about his friend or family and he understood in a different way, he could get very mad and angry, yelled at me and took off then come back and sleep in the couch. I'm in a constant stage of worry if I said or do something wrong because he can get very moody. He is workaholic (he has only 3 days off a month although we would have comfortable income even if we only work 4 days a week) and when I asked him to work less and he got upset again because he said I was nagging and demanding. The year after married and pregnant I cried many times and wanted to move back home but never had the courage. Now that I'm comfortable at home with my family, I feel nervous to come back to the life I used to with him.

However, I still love him very much. Especially, after the loss of our son, we have shared the emotional pain and have learned to appreciate each other and especially my husband who never wanted a child but now he really wants children. He has promised not to get moody and make me cry again. And looking at our son's picture and how cute he is, I really want to have another one just like him. I know it is hard for someone to change but I don't want to give up and just destroy a 5 year relationship. He loves me but I have a feeling his job and mom come before me. His mom never said any comforting words to me ever since she knew my son was sick. Instead, she told me my son got water in the lungs because I drank too much water or ate wrong food. Until the doctors said nothing we ate or did could have caused it, she told me probably my egg was the bad one to fall that month, that it was due to the birth control we used, that probably did not do enough good deeds to have him. I however just handle it and did not say anything besides trying to avoid talking to her to hear more complains. I combed his hair the day he passed away and she told me "the way you combed his hair looks ugly, let me do it". I was so sad and I wanted to cry and scream that no matter what I do to my son, he is is still beautiful. But I held my temper and said in tears: "He is beautiful in my eyes no matter what". My husband witnessed the whole thing and got mad at me for saying that to her and said I was disrespectful and I had to apologize to her. I told him that I was hurt because his mom was insensitive to my feelings by what she said. He told me I could not use the word "insensitive" on her because she was his mom. He said no matter what his mom said or do, a son/daughter has to handle it or he will divorce me.

After my son passed away, I have realized that I can not keep putting up with his controlling anymore. Especially he give me a feeling that not only I marry him, I'm also married to his mom because I need to ask her whenever I go back to visit my family. But in the other hand I love him for all the other good qualities. I hope if we both work at it and put more effort, we can have a happy marriage. He is a faithful and career minded person and I don't ask for anything for than love and respect from him. But I don't know if he can ever understand and change his mind if I can not promise him that he gets to make the final decision no matter what. He never really dated in the past so he may still be idealistic about relationship and marriage. I just want to try until I can't try anymore... He refuse to go to marriage counseling and his mom supports him since she thought I was the one with the “bad gene”. The bottom line I don't want to regret in the future... He is the one who proposed divorcing... should I be regreting? Do you think he will change? Do you think it is worth putting up with that? If he insists on being the controller and I say “no” to it, we will come to a divorce. What should I do, think, or feel and what steps should I take so that I will not feel sad/regret/crazy if we finally divorce?

Sorry for the long writing. Thank you so much for reading and responding. Happy Thanks Giving.

Exactly what abusive husbands say to get you to give in and come back.

sadpain, you are describing abusive behavior, no matter what pieta says. He is tied to his mother, she eggs him on with it because you are trying to replace her and she will continue to ruin you in his eyes until she gets her way. The only person in this situation who can make a change is YOU.

NO, he will not change. Why should he? In his eyes - and his mother's, he has done nothing wrong.

If he truly loves you and is just despondent, which I can’t even begin to imagine given how you've described him, he will accept your needs, agree to counseling (while you are NOT living with him, otherwise he will just quit going to counseling, having won), and take however long it takes for you to grieve over your son and reach an agreement with him over equal control and respect.

Maybe there's more than you're telling, but so far I haven't heard the slightest bit of respect for you from him. How can you be happy in such a marriage? You deserve just as much respect as he does.

Thank you so much... you are very nice to point things out to me. Yes there are more and I did not think of them after you woke me up. I wrote them all in the other forum in response to you like the time the made me say sorry in the car or he would hit the car to the freeway divider or the fact that when he tells me to stop talking, it means I have to stop or he would get angry. You guys give me the strength to know that it is right for me to ask for respect and love from him. I'll work on it and let you know more. Thanks.

Thanks Pieta,

I'm sorry for the loss of your son either. Thank you. I appreciate your valuable response and I do see your point. I really want to get back and be with him. In fact, many times a day I have to try hard not to make that phone call to him to tell him that I love him no matter what and all I want is to be with him. But I'm afraid that will only makes things worse because in the past I have always give in the same way so he thinks he is right. When we argue about something even as small as a puppy’s hair color, if he says he does not want to hear it anymore and I keep on saying, he will yell and shut the door and drive away. When he comes back he sleeps on the cough. There was one time we had a fight in the morning and I told him I will have a coworker take me home. He insisted to take me home but in the car he yelled at me and hit the wheel as if he was out the control and he told me if I did not say “sorry” to him he would hit the car into the divider and both of us would die. I was afraid that he would do it and regret later so I said “sorry” to him but I did not think I was at fault or what I needed to say sorry for. Then I cried a lot because I was forced to do it. Then he put his hands over my shoulder and said he loved me and that “it’s over don’t cry”. It happens many times like this when he got mad and drove away. I cried many times after married to the point that I feel scared to go back to him. He lives a mile away from his mom an 8 hour drive away from my family. Over there, I don't have a car, I can't drive so I take the train to work. Over there, I don't have any friends or family and depend on him to take me anywhere. So every time he left me after a fight especially while I was pregnant, I cried a lot and I thought he did not love me.

He told me that when he makes a decision he will consider my ideas but no matter what he will gets to make the final call UNLESS his mom also agree with me. But I don't like the idea because his mom only wants him to control me. His mom only tells me to listen to him because she said he loves me. She always teaches ideas by telling stories. But I over heard she told him stories about families and concluded that a good wife must listen to her husband in everything or else she is a bad wife implying I was one. One she told him a story that there was a son who put his parents in to a nursing him instead of taking care of the parents. That son ended up was purnished by a lightening strike. My husband told me the story his mom told if we don't listen to parents we would get purnished and so he made me do everything to make her happy. He even complained me why I did come and sit next to his mom on our son's funeral and talk to her so she would not be so sad. I wanted to scream and tell him that I have no responsibility to comfort any body when I was the one who needed comfort most. I wanted to tell him I was not in the position to care about anybody feeling in such a situation when I see my son in the coffin. I wanted to ask him why she never said a word to me like "don't worry, don't be to sad" but all she said was complaining. I wanted to tell him why he did not see that his mome never cared about my feeling when all his mom did that day was talking about how healthy her other daughter's in law pregnancy and baby was. But I had to keep my mouth shut.

I really want to come back to be with him and hope he will reconsider his demand to be the Ultimate decision maker. He did ask me to come back and said he would change all the not temper and walking away behavior except still stands on his ground to be the Ultimate Decision maker. But what should I do or say so that he will not get into the same pattern again thinking that he was right so he would continue to control and treats me with no respect? How can I get a possitive outcome from this coming back rather than an negative reinforcement? When do I know what time to let go rather than digging deeper into the relationship if he is truly controlling and won't change? Thank you and please let me know.

Sadpain
When do you know what time to let go rather than digging deeper into the relationship if he is truly controlling and won't change?

You have already answered your question. Reread your post. You know deep in your heart it is not a healthy relationship. You deserve much more than what you are getting. It sounds like you are better off at home with your family. It is safer, and the longer you stay the stronger you will be. If you need permission to leave in your own heart, print off your posts, take them to your pastor, priest, rabbi or a domestic violence counselor. They will tell you that you are doing the right thing.
Take care and let us know how you are doing

Thanks so much Wiser. You understand exactly how I feel. Yes, I think I know the answer from my head, I just need get the permission from my heart.

Something else you need to consider, sadpain, is the atmosphere you would be raising your children in. Any daughters you had would grow up thinking they had to be obedient and had no say in final decisions. They would learn to let people walk all over them (such as your mil is doing to you.)

Any sons would grow up thinking their wives had to be obedient and had no real say in important matters.

Your children would be set up for relationship failures of their own because the rules that your husband lives and would be raising them by are not ordinary, normal, American, or reasonable.

Any spouses of your children would very unlikely be raised as your children were, making their marriages just as or more difficult than yours is.

If you want children that will grow up happy, emotionally healthy, with good self esteem and opinions of their own, this is not the father for them if he remains in his current state of mind...

I do understand what Pieta is saying, but it sounds to me that he was displaying controlling, abusive behavior before your baby passed away, so I am not convinced that going back will fix anything.

I do feel it's possible to remain friends and try and support each other through your shared grief, but doing that in the midst of a divorce will be difficult.

I would also get your license as catperson suggested. Maybe you can get someone from your family to teach you while you're home.

Thanks Soolee for your valuable advises. I will let every one know how it goes. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.