I'm new to posting here although I've been reading from this site for about a week...

I'm 30 years old and I've been married for almost 5 years (together with her for 8), have 2 sons (ages 3 and 1), and up until about a month ago, I thought my marriage was pretty good. My wife told me she wasn't happy...she's just not "feeling it" anymore. She says she feels like she goes through life alone. She's been saying that for several months, but I guess I never took her that seriously or I didn't know what to do about it. We both work full-time in professional, stressful occupations. I do realize that our marriage has been put on the back-burner, so to speak, for some time now. Life has been really busy (education, careers, kids, death of family members, etc...) for the past 5 years. I thought that our bond was strong enough to make it through these challenging times. I could go on for hours about the specifics of the relationship leading up to now, but I want to focus on the current situation.

There is a guy that she has been friends with since they dated off and on starting 15 years ago. They have always been each others fall-back relationship...until her and I got together. She seemingly was over him, but that just made him want her that much more. She always swore to me that they were just friends. I believed her intentions, although I felt like it would never be a true friendship with him always wanting more. He has come in and out of her life several times since we've been married, and I think she has tried to push him out, reject his advances, and tell him that they can't talk anymore. It's like a vicious cycle...a revolving door. She can't (or won't) shake this connection she has with him.

Before our wedding, we had discussions about how her bond to him was emotionally cheating on me. I don't know why she can't (or won't) give that up. I felt like with time, I would win that piece of her from him. Now it's resurfaced again, in a major way...he has helped her see whatever was missing in our marriage. This guy has always had some "issues." Many that I'm not specifically aware of, because she has kept that from me because she knows the animosity and dislike I've had for him for a while now. Part of her wants to work on our marriage now and repair it. She's not sure what she wants, though. Maybe it's just for the kids sake, but if that's all that keeps her holding on right now...I'll take it. I love her and I think we can rebuild things. We had a good marriage. Up until now, we had trust, honesty, common interests, and for the most part, none of the things that usually destroy a relationship.

She tells me she wants to stop having any contact with him so we can focus on fixing our issues, but she is worried that he will kill himself if she does that. She claims he has no-one else to depend on. My wife is his whole world. He is an alcoholic and drug user (likely an addict). He recently crashed his truck, got a DUI, and is supposedly trying to detox at home. I found out yesterday that when he found out that my wife was pregnant with our first child in 2003, he cut a deep gash into his chest. The guy has some major issues.

As of 3 or 4 days ago, she has insisted that she is barely talking to him now...mostly by text message. However, when I was paying our cell phone bill online today, I saw that she spoke to him for 40 minutes on the phone this evening while she was driving home from work and that they have exchanged about 400 text messages in the past 2 weeks (I knew they were texting, but I had no clue of the extent). I tried to call her during the time she was driving and the phone went to voice mail 2 different times. When she got home, she was irritated with me because she said she had to reach over to the passenger seat to look for her phone, but couldn't reach it. Knowing what I know now, that's pretty much an outright lie.

When I researched the signs of emotional cheating, she is doing every one of them. Also, she admitted that they kissed at the park last week (when she supposedly ran in to him by coincidence when she was there with our kids). I didn't believe the coincidence bulls#*t when I first heard it. She told me HE kissed HER, but she didn't stop him... I want to believe her because I always have trusted her and she came to me with that information unsolicited, but I suspect that there is more that she's not telling me.

I truly feel that the only chance we have of working this out is for her to stop talking to him, COMPLETELY!.

I'm running out of ideas and growing more resentful and frustrated every day...PLEASE HELP...

1. If this has been going on so long, they've probably already gone a bit further than just kissing. I suspect that she's admitted to you only what she feels safe admitting to you.

2. Have you exposed this A to all that can help, her parents for example?

3. Read up on Plan A and Plan B on this site. That's what you should be following at the moment.

Hey ManInMotion,

Thanks for the feedback. I agree with the fact that she is probably only admitting what she feels safe mentioning. The not-knowing is making me crazy. I'm so tempted to confront her with the little bit of knowledge that I have (phone calls, text messages), but I don't want to lose the access that I have to that info.

I'm not sure who else to expose this to. Her closest family members know the situation but they just had a big blow-up with her because they tried to give her advice and tell her that she is crazy for what she's doing...but she won't hear it from anyone. She is intent on "doing what she feels like will make her happy in the long-run." That's what she keeps saying and she tells her family that if they don't want to support her, then she'll just exclude them from her life, too. I've thought to try and talk to her friends, but if she finds out that I did that, she would run even further from me. I really feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place.

I have read up on Plan A and B and it's pretty funny that we basically talked about doing those general plans before I even found this site. I think Plan A would work if she would stop having any contact with him. Plan B scares me to death because I'm pretty sure that we wouldn't get back together. She is too proud and stubborn and I think that I'd resent her so much by the time we enacted Plan B, that I don't know if I'd want to go back because how can I ever trust her again?

Thanks...

It sounds like your wife's friend needs some psychological help. She is doing him a disservice by trying to "save" him, unless she IS a therapist. And even then, she is too close to help him.

I would encourage her to insist to him that he get some professional help, and not rely on her.

Thanks for the reply...

He definitely needs some professional help and she is not a therapist. I want to believe that she would eliminate all contact with him if he wasn't playing on her emotions by making her feel that he has nobody but her to rely on. But, even if she tells me that she has stopped communicating with him, I'm not sure that I could believe her. She has supposedly done that before, but it has never truly stopped their contact. The issue still remains that I don't think she wants to stop talkng to him. She wants the best of both worlds...not to have to choose me or him.

How do I make her see that she needs to choose one or the other...she can't have relationships with both of us?

He is an alcoholic and drug user (likely an addict). He recently crashed his truck, got a DUI, and is supposedly trying to detox at home. I found out yesterday that when he found out that my wife was pregnant with our first child in 2003, he cut a deep gash into his chest. The guy has some major issues.

(when she supposedly ran in to him by coincidence when she was there with our kids).

this is where you MAN-UP without hesitation...
this is YOUR boundary...

you seek legal council TODAY
you find out your rights for protecting these children from being anywhere near this man..

you do not argue or power struggle this issue...

you get legal advice...
then you inform your wife that you are not controling her telling her who what where she can do anything

BUT

that she is under no circumstance to ever ever ever expose your children to this man at the present time...

that you will move swiftly with repercussions if she takes them near the druggie....

find out what your rights are then tell her calmly and lovingly....

find out how to document her verbalization of drug and alcohol use..

plot a defense

no exposure to YOUR children
PERIOD...

this is a huge part of plan A...

ALSO plan A is all about going on while there is contact...plan A has nothing to do with no contact....

you can only do plan A if you have a plan to do plan B
one does not exist without the other ..hence the terminology...
B follows A

seek out and read bobpures story...
read up on plan a...
here is a link...

plan a rules

ark

ark...

Thanks for the response. You bring up a lot of really good points. I msunderstood Plan A to think that it meant she stopped having contact with him. I guess that's what I wanted it to say. I read your link and that helped clear-up Plan A for me. Where can I get the whole version of both Plans A and B?

You are right about keeping the kids away from him. I don't think she has brought the kids around him other than that 1 time because she knows he has these problems and she is a good mother. Also, my oldest son told me about "mommy's friend" being at the park that day, so I guess I feel that he would say something to me if had happened on other occassions...who knows...

My understanding now is that Plan A involves being firm, not losing respect for myself, trying to encourage her to do the right things, etc... Our conversation last night seems to be moving us closer and closer to Plan B. She feels that the only way she could possibly develop feelings for me again would be to remove herself from our situation and then maybe she will realize what she is giving up. I think that Plan B is where we are headed. This whole mess has really only been known to me for about a month. More and more details have been revealed with each passing day, opening my eyes even further to the extent of the problems.

I know I need to do more exposing of the affair. Any suggestions on how to do that effectively? I have some information that I haven't divulged to her about cell phone records (calls and texts), e-mails, and MySpace interactions that if I show my cards, I know she will change some passwords and I will lose access to that info. I feel so scummy for snooping around like I have the past few days, but I can't help myself...I need to know the extent of what she's up to. For the past week or so, I've just had this feeling that she is not telling me things. Her answers to questions about us are vague and she gets defensive very easily. What should I do now?

oooh oooh oooh...here's a good plan A tip...

IN plan A NO RELATIONSHIP TALK>..non zip nadda...none engaged by you..none iniated by you...

why you ask...

well becasue of exactly what the results are like you got last night...

messed up pieces of over emotional fluff...

I need space laments the WS
We keep hurting eachother...laments the WS
I need time to think laments the WS...

we should seperate
I need alone time
blah blah blah blah...

NO relationship talk...it is pointless and futile...(redundant...i get it...)

you say instead...babble back to the babbler...

lets be clear dear..you are FREE to leave any time you want BUT the kids stay here with me period.....

"WE" don't do plan A and or B..you do plan A or B....(but plan A runs about two months...so you ain't even close to being there.....)

this is NOTHING to rush...this is time to slow the blank down....

to deep breathe...

so come home and bring your wife her favorite hot drink that only you know she loves from starbucks...and lay it at her side...and walk away whistling...

(you want to get someones attention when there is great emotional tension...whistle slightly to yourself...and they will wonder what the heck you are whistling about....)

here is a link to plan A get grounded...
read what people say and suggest..

plan a tips and musings get grounded here....

quit asking her questions about the affair...she is not ready to disclose...so you will get half and untruths...

you will offer her divergences...
she will be able to hide behind defensive mode...

your job is to charm the socks off of her....

your job is to announce on Sunday evening that you are planning to get tested for STDS...factually..without argueing without blame..without discussing it...

when she protests..
when she has a hissy fit
when she gets emotional you kiss her on the forhead and you say..

my dear I adore our children more than anything else on this earth...and I need to be able to be here, protecting and loving them...so it is important that I am sure that I am healthy and make healthy choices for them...

you say it kindly
softly
with no room for arguement...

a strong clear boundary of the reality of the situation without blame...you are NOT saying she did anything...you are claiming the adultness to care for your children..you serious of intent of how seriously messed up this is...all with actions...

not aruguementive words...

don't do it over the long weekend..you plan this weekend should be no relationship talk..

no argueing

here's another link...

if in plan A

ARK

Thanks again...great information for me to digest...

I have more questions...What about relationship talk initiated by her? Do I tell her the time limit for Plan A? What if she wants to move to a Plan B situation sooner than I do?

I've been trying and will continue to try to "charm the socks off of her" as you say, but I feel like doing so with no reciprocation or appreciation is making me bitter, resentful, and just plain hateful towards her. I do think having a set time frame for Plan A will allow me to suck it up for now. How long should I try Plan A for?

I need some advice on the 'exposure' aspect. As I mentioned in my previous post, I have some pieces of information that she doesn't know I have. I think that if I reveal them to her, she may be forced to be more honest with me about what's been going on, but I don't think it will change her behavior. I do want to expose this situation to more people...any ideas?

no way do you tell her any of your plans...

look she EXPECTS you to react in a certain pattern...

you keep her attention without her wrath by reacting as not expected and without blame...or malice

plan A is allllllllllll about doing and giving with no reciprocation...

it is very difficult...that is why there is a time frame....because it is draining....but if you see it as a game...

you can rise above...

let go of the anger....
in the end you can't make her force her or coherce...

this is a short term plan for the LONG term recovery...
not to be rushed....

smile at her...she doesn't expect that

be friendly..she doens't expect that...she expects sullen long drawn out relationship talk....
which is pointless....

do lots of fun things with those kids and draw her in...you think drug a## idiot is capable of loving children....
he's not....
so fill those kids world with laughter and love and keep inviting her in...

blow bubbles in the kitchen..

dance in your jammies with them...


gather the kids on the bed to read a story...do dr suess which is fun and makes your tongue sing...and invite mommy to come join the family...

he can't offer her those moments...

bathe the kids for her and fill the tub with bubble and shaving cream and slather them and you up..

invite your wife to join in...and make her a beard...you think a drug addict cares about bathing children....

show her...

make pancakes in silly shapes....

do things she doesnt expect....and get her attention...

and YOUR plan B has to be she's OUT without the kids...she can not have custody of the kids..IF it goes there and expose them to this guy...PERIOD>..

seriously do a shout out for bobpure..he walked this line..

pray for great humility and humbleness and Gods Grace to guide you are gonna need it..

start a thanksgiving chain...go around and ask everyone for things they are thankful for and write them down on strips and make a chain...then hang your chain somewhere...

THESE are the things you are so far up the food chain compared to him....and she must villify you to excuse her affair...so you break down those defenses...NOT by words but by action..

ARK

OOI,

From my "Musings" thread:




More there in the link in my signature line if you would like to read it including discussion of Plans A & B, Boundaries and links to articles, posts and other resources that helped me when I arrived here. Links begin on page 4 and continue on page 5 if you want to jump to there.

Mark

Listen and follow Mark and Ark's advice. You can break this A but you have to be disciplined while working towards the goal.

Thanksgiving is the perfect family time to rekindle the spark and to show your wife a happy family time. Stay disciplined and do not blow this chance. Meanwhile you need to take time off Monday to visit a lawyer to know your options - this OM is a nut case and might be dangerous to you and kids.

I am concerned with this guy's reaction to your wife's pregnancy with your first child. This guy is not stable and seems to be living in the past. Your kids must not be around this OM - whatsoever.

By all means get IL assistance and expose with all the information you have. You are responsible for the safety of your family and there is a wolf at the door.

ark, mark, rwinger (and others),

All of you are a huge help to me right now and really my only support and avenue for discussing this stuff with those who have been there before me. For that, I SINCERELY THANK YOU! Let me write a couple specific comments and then I'm going to give an update on my latest discussion with my wife. I hope anyone who reads this will offer some more advice.

ark - I'm really working hard to take your advice and do those things with the kids and to create a family atmosphere. I'm trying to stay focused on doing and giving without reciprocation. The anger and bitterness are hard to overlook, but I'm taking the advice to heart. I've read your last reply several times and it does make sense to me.

mark - you hit the nail on the head...I've been looking for that magic bullet. I think I've now accepted that it just isn't there. And I like how you echoed ark's point about having fun with the kids and let her see what she is giving up.

rwinger - you have impressed upon me the opportunity that comes with Thanksgiving to focus on family things. This OM is definitely not stable and I've known that for a long time. I will talk to my wife about that aspect tomorrow when we will both be off from work.

TONIGHT'S CONVERSATION

We had a fairly cordial phone conversation just now. She is convinced that in order for her to rekindle any feelings for me that we need to live separately for awhile (no set time frame). She tells me that she has stopped communicating with him, but I know that isn't completely true. I think she has reduced her interaction with him...at least for now. I'm skeptical about her keeping that up. I hate not believing her because we always have had a lot of trust for each other, but I really don't. She wants me to move out because she feels like she has more going on with her demanding work schedule than I do. She feels like she already has a full plate. I do agree that her work is more demanding of her time and energy than mine right now, but I really don't think that I should be the one to leave. She claims that she is trying this whole-heartedly and that she is hopeful this will help. If she is being sincere, than I am willing to leave to show my desire to fix things and support her. I think I could do this only if I knew she had stopped having contact with him. Any input? Am I being too accomodating?

Do you think it's too soon to move to Plan B, because that's basically what she is suggesting?

She wants the 2 of us to go out of town together next weekend. Good idea or not? I think that if we go, it shows that both of us still are trying to fix things???

I need help trying to expose this whole situation more. Should I be communicating with her friends behind her back? Her closest friends and I all get along and I think they want to have her and I together, but naturally they are going to be on her side in wanting her to be happy.

The thing that's eating me the most is that I know how much they've been communicating. She doesn't know that I know. I want to call her out on the lying. I want her to level with me about what is really going on. I feel like we are pretty close to rock-bottom right now, so if I lay down my cards, then maybe we can rebuild from there. But if I show her my information, will it change her behavior? I know if I divulge my information, I will lose the ability to track that information because she'll be more careful and keep her info more secure. But, if we start to improve things, then I think it will be to late to bring up this information for fear that it will set us back to square one. She'll be angry that I was snooping. Our trust in each other (what's left of it) will be shot. As it stands now, I don't know if I will ever be able to regain that implicit trust in her. But I don't know if I can keep this information to myself anymore...

Do not leave the home....period....

If her job is too demanding then you two need a plan to downsize the crap that got you to this position....

that's how you fix and address that....

but YOU do not leave so that she can have full access to her boyfriend...OR potential exposure of the children to him

don't entertain or discuss the thought...it's bull

you say..,my dear wife..I am not cheating on you or my marriage and there is no reason for me to leave my home or children......

and walk away...

she's free to go..
leave the kids
and go....

These relationship talks you keep having are pointless...

change the subject...
leave the room
leave her wanting to discuss but be busy with the kids what ever.....

you shouldn't be having sessions with your wife...

when you ask her if she is in contact with him...what does she say...

when you tell her how much contact hurts you what does she say...

have you ever contacted the OM......why or why not...

do not leave the home....

ARK

here is a post from bobpure on maninneed's post below...



"I am very sorry you find yourself in this situation MIN - many of us have been there and we know how desperate it is for you.

Some good news is that you are in the right place here at MB to begin to recover your life and your relationship.

One big thing to realise is that short of locking up your WW, you cannot actually STOP her from continuing the affair BUT the affair is likely to end soon anyway.

If you DID lock her up this would certainly only temporarily halt the affair until you let her go.

Plan A is the most counter-intuitive behaviour on the planet but it has been proven to work in thousands of relationships over the years the Harleys have been counselling.

Look at the sig at the bottom of my post for a useful intro. If you're plan a'ing you're already off to a great start !!

If all this sounds 'not enough' remember it took a while for your M to hit a spot where an affair happened, you will not fix it by Saturday night.

The GOOD news is you have started Plan A'ing right away !

Be calm, and try to choke down the panic and hurt you feel. Then say to your WW something like this I told my FWW :

" I want very much to work on our marriage, as I recognize that although I'm not responsible for your infidelity, I played a part in the state of our marriage.

However before we can work on our marriage, the affair must end and you must never gain have contact with the man.

When you see him or contact him you knowingly twist a knife in my heart AND you deliberately prevent work on our M recovery from beginning.

I will not physically stop you from continuing the affair, because I love you and would not have you SHACKLED to our marriage, but instead staying within by choice. Just know that you are deeply and deliberately hurting and humiliating someone who loves you very much by contacting the OM."

Then, whatever her response, hunker down to making your home and your life a welcoming place for her to return to.

Protect your finances NOW. Do not have SF with your WW until she stops having sex with OM and you have been tested for STDs. Unromantic, but better than a disease.

Find out all you can about OM - and expose to his wife. He is almost certainly lying about trying to divorce his wife. All OMs are liars.

STUDY, do not just read the case studies on here. I will include a post of my own regarding plan A here to start you off.

All blessings to you, and know you CAN RESCUE your marriage using MB !

Bob's cut n' paste new BH summary

Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



* Your instinct as a BS is to be angry, indignant, sad, fearful, reactionary etc and no-one could blame you. However actions supporting these emotions will REINFORCE the fantasy in your WS warped mind that you are a worse bet as a life partner than the OP and that the A was justified.

* You may feel 'better' by venting, doing the vengeance dance etc, but this will almost certainly fatally break your relationship.

* Plan A is a carefully calculated response to the fact of an affair that recognises the strengths and weaknesses of the BS position at this time, and who wants to save their M. It is NOT instinctive, in fact it is counter-intuitive, but it works if adhered to. To use MaddyKs analogy :scratching poison ivy rash feels SO GOOD but causes nothing but grief. Instinct does not always help in complex situations.

* FACT a BS cannot directly stop an affair unless they kill or kidnap one or both infidels, and thats not usually recommended by MC

* FACT NEITHER is a BS as helpless as they think they are, and has an armoury of weapons to use. Plan A bundles these for use in a proven strategy.

* Plan A recognises the uncomfortable reality that although the BS is IN NO WAY responsible for the A and that an A is NEVER JUSTIFIED or OK the BS HAS contributed to the marital environment being ripe for an A. This is a major thing to choke down for most BS ( it was for me!) , but its also a major enabler to recovery. Once you know what broke in YOU you can start fixing it.

* Using tools such as exposure the affairs bindings can be exposed to the light. Typically A's only make sense in a by-the-hour highway motel for two hours at a time when only the lying infidels listen to each others fog drivel and 'lets pretend' sex. Exposure to OPs significant other, and carefully targeted family and friends and colleagues forces this shaky, sex-justfying bag of fluff to the scrutiny of the real world. In MOST cases, the bindings disappear like vampires in the sun leaving the infidels 'love affair' looking like the tawdry, cowardly alternative to fixing a flagging marriage that it truly is.
And YES exposing is counter intuitive too, but it WORKS !! see now ?

* So when the A is exposed as a shabby thing, Plan A also makes sure that you, the BS have ALREADY and PROACTIVELY recognised the failings in your behaviour and demeanour that led to the marriage flagging and made a start at fixing them. You have also patently disarmed your WS by not being violent, disrespectful, unforgiving nor any of the other things that they expected and FEARED you would be. In fact you raised your game SIGNIFICANTLY as spouse material and they begin to notice it, really.

* WSs fear that with the death of the A, they have no safe place to go, not the OP and certainly not home to face the judgment and wrath of the BS they have hurt do much....except the BS has done everything possible to provide a place of calm safety for the WS to return to. My own FWW thought it was a trick! She couldn't believe the loving and non-judgmental "nest" I'd made for her when she felt she deserved it so little...through Plan A I'm a better Dad than I've been in years, a better listener and more thoughtful of my FWWs needs. Plus MUCH slimmer, fitter and more buff ( GgrrrrOOOWWWLLLLL ! )

* SOME A's bindings are stronger than others and SOME WSs find it harder than others to return home, so plan A may not always work at killing the A and providing a sanctuary for the WS to recover in. Thats when plan B kicks in. Plan B REMOVES the sanctuary , love , forgiveness and support so carefully built and demonstrated in PLAN A from the WS. You do a good plan A and you will be REALLY missed, while OM looks everyday more like the unreliable, lying betrayers they always are.

* See how it works ? By choosing to lay down your righteous indignation in plan A you are in NO WAY a doormat any more than spying for the Allies made brave intelligence folks in WW2 Nazis. You are bravely and deliberately overruling your primal instinct in support of the marriage God gave you and you gave to God and each other.

* STUDY(not just read) SAA, HN/HN , this site, the old heads stories and become aware of the dynamics of affairs. Deconstruct your own situation and apply the principles to it. Knowledge is power. Understand that affairs are JUST LIKE medical conditions, the symptoms, prognosis and cure are all utterly predictable in most cases. Your sitch feels unique BUT IT AIN'T ! THIS STUFF HAS WORKED FOR THOUSANDS OF COUPLES IN EXACTLY YOUR SITCH !

* Finally I have said before that Plan A is a heroes gig and I still think so. For a 'silverback' like me the easy way is to go crashing around hitting people , suing people and making lives bad. Instinct isn't bravery.

Bravery is doing what is needed, however uncomfortable, frightening and counter-intuitive to rebuild a stable loving platform for all involved in the mess of an affair.

Even if Plan A and Plan B doesn't recover your M , it will leave you a much more "examined" person able to move on in life and not repeat the errors that contributed to the problems in the M."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




I hope I have helped explain my take on Plan A. And to close, Plan A has worked UP THE WAZOO for us so far so I'm not talking theory.

search his post and follow the link for his toolbox at the bottom...

ARK

Here's the latest...

The "maybe more" in the title of this subject from when I first started posting has been found to be true. Yesterday morning, I found some information (that she claims she wanted me to find) confirming that she had been having sex with him. When she came home from work, I confronted her. She came clean with what I think is everything that happened. At least she has been able to look me in the eye since I found out...she hadn't done that for at least a week. She told me they had sex 4 times...on 3 occasions when I was at work and once she left her work to go to his house. The first time was on 11/11. My first instinct was to tell her to get out of the house, but I want to try and fix things. I'm in love with her.

She says she knows that she wants to be with me and not him. She said she knows I'm right for her but that right now she doesn't feel anything for me. Then she says she knows he is not the one for her, but that she has feelings for him. I told her that she has to choose...now. Either have no-contact with him and stay with me while we try to fix our marriage or move out of the house and choose to, in all likelihood, end our marriage. I am not going to sit around while I know that she's cheating on me and let her think it's acceptable. I'm willing to try and forgive her and repair our life together, but I don't see any way to forgive her if now that I know what she's been doing behind my back, she were to continue on that path with him. She has agreed to stop communicating with him and commit to working on us.

What makes matters worse, she didn't use a condom with him. I can't believe that she was that stupid and reckless. The way her cycle has been, there is a very real chance that she could be pregnant. She said she couldn't live with herself if she had an abortion and I told her that I will leave for good if she plans on having his child. I'm holding my breath for another 2 weeks hoping she gets her period. Then we'll have to face the issue of STD testing. This guy is not the picture of cleanliness and safe sex practices. I'm totally losing my mind over those 2 issues.

The last 24 hours have been excruciating. I feel numb. I'm glad that the lies have seemingly stopped, but I'm going through the whole range of emotions. I just want to get back all of the things that were mine that she gave away - our trust, her heart, the emotional connection, her body...I feel like if I can reclaim those things over time, that our marriage can heal.

We are going away with the kids this weekend to hopefully get our mind off things and focus on our family. Then, the 2 of us are going away without the kids next weekend. We'll see how things go. I'd appreciate any thoughts from those who have been where I'm at right now. Thanks and I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving.

We are trying to work on things. The last few days have been nothing less than excruciating. Any comments? See my previous post for the pretty-much-current details...Thanks.

This happened to me with my H's old HS GF. It was an EA, but still ...hurt like H3ll. They burned out in 3 mos. time. The same thing that broke them up originally was still present in their interactions. I don't think people change that much. i think they wanted to go back to a simpler time, but reality reared it's face...that would be me.

Has she gone NC with him? I didn't have to put up with any withdrawal since he was done with her before I found out.
They say that's a rough couple of weeks. She hung on still wanting a relationship with him, she was obsessed. He wouldn't take her calls, blocked her email and still she tried for months till I sent her a note explainung RO's tio her.

You have a lot of hope if she still wants you.

outof..

these excrutiating emotional talks are going to be the demise of your recovery...

neither are equipped to do the actions needed for recovery..

these long drawn out will back fire and she or you will flee/withdrawal soon deciding that too much damage is done to go back and fix...

Plan A
NO relationship talk....

relationship talk is for recovery...

now you get half truths
little truths
partial truths...

a whole of dipping of the toes and testing the water...

but not much real meat and potatoes of healing

consider yourself warned my friend...

the fall is hard...

I wouild guess that if she is serious about recovery..she has sought out a counselor for you two to go to..right..
ACTIONS of remorse...
right??

don't mean to be tough...but you aren't following plan A...

Ark

and in not following plan A while you process these things...

you aren't going to be plan A charming man meeting her needs..

you are going to become ...angry morose mournful man requiring a lot of her emotional energy...
forced false apologies...

lots of blame will be coming your way..
as in..

see you can't get over this and move on

see you can't forgive
see you can't handle this
see you will never be nice to me...

see you are too emotional..etc etc etc..

can you see it...

Plan A...\

ARK