See post by 'dluke918' under Just found out for backstory.

Basically though I am deployed and she is having an affair, been gone since July. A- going since mid/late Aug. OM left sometime end of Oct/early Nov he is gone for a long time. I come back 19 Dec and found out about A with OM 01 Nov.

I have pretty much figured out who he is and told her my reasoning why. It is all circumstantial evidence but pretty overwhelming and she seems scared and backed into a corner. Even though she told me about the affair (says no sex--hmmm?) it felt like I was exposing an A- when I told her who it was and I why I came to that conclussion. She is afraid I am going to contact him and or his command since he is military too. He went to training for a 'special program'. I have not email him or his chain of command. I don't know if she emailed or talked to him to let him know I know who he is. She still says its not him but I really do know better. And one of our good mutual friends says based on the circumstantial evidence I have got to be right--there is no way it could be anyone else really.

At any rate, she was feeling very exposed and vulnerable yesterday when confronted with the information. She hung up on me last night saying not to contact her anymore. She also had said that if I email him or his chain of command that she won't be there when I get back--I know her well enough that she wouldn't be. She told me I had not right to look up his personal info (as far as leave & transfer dates). I said he had not right to keep asking my wife to go out to lunch even when she said no (he is a player and ask all the girls out--she told me she would never fall for it--but apparently did with my absense). She made some comment about her not being a kid and she can make her own decisions. I told her yes your absolutely an adult, your 26 years old, your smart and beautiful too, I told her nicely that the way I see it she made an adult decision and now she is dealing with the adult problems that go along with the decisions we sometimes make. She got real quiet at that point.

Before she went to bed though after telling me never to speak to her again, she texted me a message saying "I don't have to worry about him anymore" Well when she woke up this morning she texted me saying "Hello" -- she hasn't initiate a email, text, or phone conversation with me in weeks, this was the first. She also sent me an email later from work stating what she was afaid of when I got home and stuff, mainly about it being harder to leave if I am there, and she is scared she won't feel the same way she use to about me and me trying to hard to impress her.

I don't know where I am now? In Plan A yet or not, still really don't get the Plan A thing. I do not think I should be too pushy and nosey into whether she quits communicating with him or not until I get home in 29 days, we did talk before and she said she wouldn't stop until I got home, that was before last night when I explain to her that I know who it is and am prepared to contact him.

I think she is blowing smoke up my butt about me not having to worry about him, even if she really did tell him its over--I still have to worry about her relapsing but out here I don't think I can control that and am prepared I think to deal with those relapses.

Any opinions on if I am on the right track or advice would be helpful.

Hi Duke,

I think that when you made your statement about adult decisions and adult problems that result... that was a profoundly wise statement on many levels. You gave her her "freedom" to make the decision... and along with it the consequences. I think she was quiet because of the wisdom of what you said.

And the clearly defined boundary lines.

It sunk in.

The situation with a player who asks everyone out is that he's little or no threat for a serious relationship, imo. To me, that's very positive. It doesn't "erase" the "problem" of what has occurred... but he's a minimal to nothing threat of truly "filling your shoes" or replacing you in a committed long-term relationship.

(It's Thanksgiving... and I'm "holing up". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I have a wonderful family... but I'm at home preparing to create my action steps in a Plan A. What really struck me this year is that I don't want to spend holidays alone... as a single person... at my wonderful family's gatherings. It's very positive motivation... )

Happy Thanksgiving! Thank you for serving your country. The true "test of things" will be when you come home. I find you very mature and wise in that one statement... which, to me, is a real revelation to her I hope also... that you are a topnotch guy.

(I can tell you more of why if u want.)

Tell me more by all means.

I feel like I kind of screwed up though letting her know I had no problem contacting him or his chain of command. She says she talked to him and emailed him telling they were done. I think, but don't trust, she may have actually broken off contact with him, she seems like she is going thru withdrawls. Kind of like when I quit smoking.

She is very irrated and spiteful towards me, but still wants to talk and is actually responding to my emails with more than one or two words. Not so nice words may be better than no words. I can tell she is just angry inside.

I try to encourage her to 'work' on our marriage together. She just wants me to come home "and see how" she "feels". I have told her that she is free to go then, because I want a wife that is willing to put in at least enough energy to offer the marriage a fair shot. She hasn't said she wants that yet, and probably won't either--I expect that. But she hasn't left yet and that means she may already be thinking that way. If not, when I get home I know I can make her think that way within a few days.