My wife and I have been married for 3 years and have a 16 month old daughter. About 10 weeks ago my wife came to me and told me she was unhappy and wanted to go to counseling. Shortly thereafter I became aware of email communication with an old boyfriend from 20 years ago. He is located 600 miles away, is married with a 5 year old.

I confronted her about this prior to our first counseling appointment and she promised to end all communication with him including changing cell phone # and blocking his email address. None of this happened.

In our 2nd counseling appointment I came completely clean about some dishonesty regarding business debt that I brought into our marriage and this is the 4th time I have told her about pieces of this debt gradually. I admitted my shortcomings in this area and others, but have never once even considered cheating as I completely love my wife.

She used this last piece of information as an excuse to get mentally separated without proceeding forward with a divorce or legal separation. She has stated that this basically gives us both the right to date although it would break her heart to see me dating someone else, therefore clearing her conscience for continuing her emotional affair.

She has continued to lie about this affair although I have ongoing proof and over the past weekend this emotional affair has proceeded to the next level. She told me she was going out of town to meet a friend and it turns out that she met this person and spent the night with him. Just yesterday I discovered another email stating their love for each other.

I have begun Plan A, but I am very hesitant to expose the affair to any of her friends and family members as I believe she would rationalize this as a way to end our marriage since she is stating I was dishonest to begin with and didn't meet her needs.

She has stated that she does not want to get a divorce, even if it takes up to 5 years to figure out how to make our marriage work. However, she is not willing to continue counseling or end her affair at this time.

Since this affair is 600 miles apart there will continue to be long distance rendezvous's and I need some advice on whether I should expose this affair to her family and friend's or simply try and wait for this affair to end a natural death due to the geographical restrictions. Thank you for your help.

So what you're really asking is whether we think its alright for you to bless your WW continuing to bang her ex-boyfriend? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

See how silly that sounds when you take all of the "fear" out of it ... its pretty ugly isn't it!!!

Exposure is the BEST tool in breaking up the affair....bar none! It helped destroy my wife's fantasy.....it took awhile...and it took the spewing of my vile out of my wife's mouth, but I did it to save my marriage.

And today, my wife and I are happier and much better than ever....and that is because neither one of us take the marriage for granted....ever!

But this is a fairly long process, and cannot begin until you remove the "spell" your wife is under. You must shine the light to anyone who is important in yours and your wife's life. Do it with intentions of love...not resentment....take on the mentality that you are going to war...you are protecting your marriage. It is what you "vowed" to do. Read my story if you don't believe....and as hard as it is to do.....remove the fear....when your wife gets angry at you...picture her with a big fat alien head on her neck (you know...the big green eyes!)

Hang tough brother...I don't post much lately, but I'll try and be around when I can! Many, many good folks here who taught me well, and can do the same for you.....no guarentee's but this is, imo, the best path!

MWIL

Call his wife TODAY. She will put an end to it. The glow will go out of OM's cheeks as soon as his wife has this info.
And she deserves to have it. It's her life, too.

Encourage the BW to call your WW and confront her. It may shut it down today, if you make that call TODAY.

Good Luck, GF

Unfortunately his wife already knows and her husband is filing for divorce in an effort to prove his love for my wife and making crazy statements like he is coming to make her is wife. My wife has a complete infactuation with this guy as he is very successful, good looking and is full of poetry and says all of the right things. However my wife has mentioned that she sees a lot of red flags in him because for a guy that has been married for 15 years he is very, very smooth and effective for not having done several times before.

Let me tell you WHY I think the short plan A and total black plan B will work for you.

You are correct that MOST affairs end.

The ones that don't are the ones that have the potential to go on as your WW would like.

See..it is reality that takes the fun out of fantasy..and if you just hope for a natural death in a situation where reality is scant and there is ample opportunity to live out the fantasy you might be waiting a very VERY long time.

Like..40 yrs long time.

If you are her "real life" partner then only YOU have to endure lifes hard knocks and only YOU have to fail and only YOU have the opportunity to withdraw units from her love bank while Mr "so perfect we broke up years ago" gets to enjoy a lush rich fantasy life which is occasionally nourished with passionate and energised sex rendevous. That sort of situation is self sustaining and could go on indefinitely.

It is called "cake eating" and is in short...enjoying the benefits of both relationships without committment to either.

Because your WW still "loves" you and is still invested in the relationship I recommend a short plan A. If you try too hard or too long your OWN emotions will become a problem for you. You will be hurt, resentfull, angry, whathaveyou and you will end up making love busters. This is a bad plan because you want her as invested as possible in your marriage before you pull the rug out by cutting her off completely.

So you study plan A [the carrot and the stick] and you execute it. While you plan A you get your plan B lined up.

Then you drop the axe.

This will be very hard for you because you are also used to having your needs met by her and you are also invested in the relationship.

At this point her affair must carry 100% of her needs and it will fail. Because it can't hold up to reality.

They live far away, they both have small children with their marriage partners...they have a LIFE which can't be integrated into an affair without YOUR cooperation and the cooperation of the OMs wife.

Once they HAVE to make the affair the primary relationship they will argue with EACH OTHER...they will lie to EACH OTHER...they will not trust each other...they will resent each other for the losses..etc etc.

This KILLS affairs, waiting it out in your circumstances is a mistake in my opinion.

How do you know his W knows? If it came from your WW, it may not be true. Call her up and I'm sure she will give you the lowdown on his A's. It can't hurt. GF

Excellent point.

What they said. If your only source of information is your wife, forget it, she's lying.

The only way you will know if OM's BW knows is to tell her yourself. Don't be surprised if she is completely clueless.

Right now your WW and this dude are 'playing in fantasy land.

Sure he is going to divorce his wife and live happily ever after with yours, right after pigs fly.

Expose the affair to her family, your family and anyone else who can put pressure on her to end the A.

When she begins to be forced to look at this from everyone elses perspective, she will begin to see how ugly and dirty this wonderful relationship really is.

Read Noodles post very carefully. She has developed a solid plan for you.

Good Luck.

Who

Man:

How does your wife think that this man will be faithful to her if he can't be faithful now?

You might want to ask her that! And btw, also do everything noodle says.

Be strong!