Basically though I am deployed and she is having an affair, been gone since July. A- going since mid/late Aug. OM left sometime end of Oct/early Nov he is gone for a long time. I come back 19 Dec and found out about A with OM 01 Nov.

I have pretty much figured out who he is and told her my reasoning why. It is all circumstantial evidence but pretty overwhelming and she seems scared and backed into a corner. Even though she told me about the affair (says no sex--hmmm?) it felt like I was exposing an A- when I told her who it was and I why I came to that conclussion. She is afraid I am going to contact him and or his command since he is military too. He went to training for a 'special program'. I have not email him or his chain of command. I don't know if she emailed or talked to him to let him know I know who he is. She still says its not him but I really do know better. And one of our good mutual friends says based on the circumstantial evidence I have got to be right--there is no way it could be anyone else really.

At any rate, she was feeling very exposed and vulnerable yesterday when confronted with the information. She hung up on me last night saying not to contact her anymore. She also had said that if I email him or his chain of command that she won't be there when I get back--I know her well enough that she wouldn't be. She told me I had not right to look up his personal info (as far as leave & transfer dates). I said he had not right to keep asking my wife to go out to lunch even when she said no (he is a player and ask all the girls out--she told me she would never fall for it--but apparently did with my absense). She made some comment about her not being a kid and she can make her own decisions. I told her yes your absolutely an adult, your 26 years old, your smart and beautiful too, I told her nicely that the way I see it she made an adult decision and now she is dealing with the adult problems that go along with the decisions we sometimes make. She got real quiet at that point.

Before she went to bed though after telling me never to speak to her again, she texted me a message saying "I don't have to worry about him anymore" Well when she woke up this morning she texted me saying "Hello" -- she hasn't initiate a email, text, or phone conversation with me in weeks, this was the first. She also sent me an email later from work stating what she was afaid of when I got home and stuff, mainly about it being harder to leave if I am there, and she is scared she won't feel the same way she use to about me and me trying to hard to impress her.

I don't know where I am now? In Plan A yet or not, still really don't get the Plan A thing. I do not think I should be too pushy and nosey into whether she quits communicating with him or not until I get home in 29 days, we did talk before and she said she wouldn't stop until I got home, that was before last night when I explain to her that I know who it is and am prepared to contact him.

I think she is blowing smoke up my butt about me not having to worry about him, even if she really did tell him its over--I still have to worry about her relapsing but out here I don't think I can control that and am prepared I think to deal with those relapses.

Any opinions on if I am on the right track or advice would be helpful.

If you are sure of who the OM is, then it's time to expose the A. Your W's actions (threatening to leave if you expose, etc.) definitely suggest that you've got the right man.

Your M does not have a chance of recovery until the A ends. Exposure is one of the tools for ending it. Yes, she will be mad, and she might leave, etc., but your chances for recovering your M will be better with exposure than without.

Agree with MIM - she will be mad. You should be mad too. Expose him to his command.

You can survive her anger and so can your marriage.

She told me that she talked to him and told him its over. Maybe I am being stubborn or scared and not getting the point of your advice above but...

If she did tell him on her own, and I contact him directly right now, I would be driving the wedge she drove between us even deeper. She does trust me, always has, and of course is threatened as well she deserves to be--she has been coming to me more & more since she initially told me about the A, especially the last week or so. The only thing that backed her up was when she realized I knew who it was. Wouldn't I be further negating the progress I made so far?

I have 28 days left - I was expecting, not accepting but expecting her to keep in contact with this guy until I got home and I was prepared mentally & emotionally to handle that until I got home. I thought once I was home and could take greater measures of discover (i.e. get our phone bills, computer spyware) to ensure that if she relapsed I could drop a hint or a bomb without exposing my methods that I knew. At that point I would be better prepared with hard evidence to hit him up and his chain of command.

You have no solid proof she is telling the truth. You should expose because them you know you have done you part to stand up for your M. When she gets mad, you let her know that she has been disloyal to your family by bringing in a stranger to your family. She may try to downplay his part in all this, don't let her get away with it.

Expect her to threaten you but be firm. You are fighting for your family and your M. 1 and the same. Let her know her threats show she is a danger to your family and let her wonder what that means. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Have you read SAA?

L.

Hey DHL,



I'm sure it's a little of both. You don't know if you really should listen to a bunch of people on the internet that are telling you to expose this OM... and you're terrified that if you DO expose the OM, that you will push your W away.

Listen to me... you're W is ALREADY 'away'... she's having an A! It doesn't get any worse than this! If you know who the OM is, then expose him to his command and let them know that you don't appreciate his actions with your W while you are deployed.



Right now, your W most likely TRUSTS you to continue to believe her lies about no sex, and "It's over with the OM", blah blah blah...

Mrs. RIF told so many lies to my face and I wanted to believe her so badly... that I did. I'm not bashing your W here, but you need to understand, if she's been involved with this guy, then until you expose the A and KNOW for certain that the A is exposed... then there's always going to be a chance that she'll start sending him e-mails while hes deployed... then when you're deployed again, he's going to be right back where he left off.

Expose the A!

Semper Fi,

RIF

Definitely expose the A. Make her choose.

If she really does leave, you're better off without her, anyway.

She has accepted the fact I know who it is. Email is drafted to OM telling him if she hasn't broke it off he'd better and to provide proof, i.e BCC on the email. I told him do not contact her by phone as that has already got him busted. Do I tell him I am preparing a letter to his chain of command at school?

I also told him I am writing a letter to his mother (who lives in his home-he is single) to explain to her what her son and my wife have been doing right in front of her; hopefully she cares. My W is actually helping his mom while he is gone (with language barrier stuff--city notes on door etc), and even told me she was delivering a package to NY for her this weekend on her trip to see her parents. I told her no contact includes this guys family too. She said she not a kid and his mom knows nothing about it. She knows I am going to contact him and her and possibly his chain of command. She hasn't said she'd leave if I do that. She did say she'd leave before I got home if I contact her family or her work. But she doesn't seem to care if I contact him, his mom, or his command. Is this normal? Sounds like self preservation to me.

I intend on sending the letter to him tomorrow, regardless I just interested to see what she has to say tomorrow about a letter I emailed her. It basically told her to consider the way she is acting in regards to our marriage and what it meant and what it means. Basically things were going good before I left, not solid obvioulsy, but she told me I wouldn't have to worry about this type of thing because we are married and she has a deep love and devotion to me. I told her this and she realized she had said it. But for the most part she says our marriage was basically a shame and shouldn't have happened and she hasn't loved me like she should for years and she just can't be committed. I was tempted to say yes you could be committed--to a mental hospital--I refrained though. She is so spiteful, bitter, and ugly towards me I feel like I had the affair. Is this normal behavior? It is getting hard to keep being nice to her when she treats me like dirt. She says she doesn't feel anything like regret or remorse or guilt about the affair and almost sounds like it was the right thing to do. Why is she like this. She wasn't like this at all when I left. Now she is. She says not because of the affair but what else could it be?

When getting ready to bomb the enemy to produce the maximum amount of damage, do you call and inform them beforehand where and when you're planning to start bombing?

That's what exposure is - a bomb that should be used to create maximum damage to the A. If you talk about it beforehand, you take away its effectiveness.



Sounds like she doesn't want to look like she's trying to protect the OM.



WS-Babble.



For an active WS, yes. You're taking away her "fix" - of course she's upset!



That's just how an active WS can be expected to behave.

Hey DHL,

One of the Key components of a good exposure is to not tell ANYONE about it...

If you warn the OM, then he will just spin things to make you sound like some crazy guy that's stalking him... same with anyone from your W's exposure list.

You expose to stop the A. Please do NOT send anything else to the OM or your W... wait until you have your facts in order, then expose to everyone at once. If you piece-meal your exposure, it's not going to be nearly as effective...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Didn't send letter yet. I only have her involuntary statement and never his actual name on any email, so I think I'll wait until I get hard evidence & then hit his chain of command and his mother.

Plus, what if she really did cut off all communication with him. I get home and install software which I'll be able to get her passwords and check her accounts and the phone bills. If she has been in contact with him then I expose him to chain of command and his mother.

To many days at sea left 27 before gettting home and it feels like it gets harder everyday.

Well, now is the time to do some reading here to understand how to make a GREAT marriage. I hope you will check out all of the articles.

I would wait to expose to his command until you have written proof, from emails or whatever. And don't warn your wife or the OM of any actions you plan to take.

Hey DHL,

I'm with Believer... read up and start planning a great Plan-A.

Once you get home, snoop and verify and if you can find written evidence, then expose away! Just don't warn anyone prior to your exposure.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Ordered a few books. Hopefully they get here our next port. By that time I'll have to read quick. I am waiting until I get hard evidence. In the meantime, I just have to have faith she broke it off, can't rely on trust anymore thats for sure. She is at her mom's for Thanksgiving weekend and of course they are all asking about me and telling her how they miss me. She is hating that I bet, stab stab poke poke.

Hey DHL! Yep... I'm sure she is... That's also another reason why you don't want to warn her before you expose... Once the A is exposed to her family, it will put more pressure on the A and bring it to an end.

Hope you had a good Thanksgiving! We've got some Navy guys and gals here with on our base and they say that they like it better on a ship! hee hee...

Semper Fi,

RIF

DHL,
I'm responding to your recent post here on this more complete thread to avoid confusion.

Yes, her behavior is normal, so don't try to make "sense" of it.

I agree w/ the other posters here that you need to both wait to expose, and do NOT hint that you may be doing so in future. There are two reasons for this. As someone getting sea pay, I KNOW how a sailor's "reality" can be severely limited by separation and available communication sources. You know what you think you know, and what she's told you - everything beyond that is speculation at this point.

Those who yell out to "EXPOSE" are well-meaning, but I would caution you to get a grip on the reality of the situation before shooting back without first understanding EXACTLY who/what/where/when, etc. Doing so without verifiable knowledge can truly harm your situation. If it's the guy you think it is and he won't be in contact between now and the time you're back, why bother. If it's NOT him, or the affair is not what it seems, shooting letters to his CoC at this point WILL make you look like the jealous spouse who's jumping to conclusions.

Develop a plan - Plan A - and continue to gather info.

Go talk to your Chaplain!!!

Thanks everyone for the advice. Like L2Fly stated it right that a Sailors reality is very limited. I know what I know and won't know more until I get home--19 and a wake up. She has said some stuff to indicate though that they are still in contact (phone/email) but true no hard proof.

Sounds backwards maybe, but I am lucky that she is still at home as of right now and plans on being there when I get back. I do love her and am very concerned for her well-being at this point because I can tell on the phone, once or twice a day, that she is significantly depressed.

I did realize now I wasn't helping any by concentrating on bugging her on fixing a relationship, which she says she doesn't have the desire to save. I saw something RIF posted to someone else about keeping converstations light hearted-don't talk relationship. Especially for those of us with distance and time apart, it was especially helpful this morning when I talk to her.

This morning (her night) on the phone I avoided the relationship. Helped and talked with her about a presentation for her leadership class she is in. From that SHE somehow brought up chocolate chip pancakes and chocolate sryup I make for her when I am at home. Before I left in July I had put some in vacuum sealed bags. Well she told me when she got home today she heated some up and ate them for dinner-and they were so good (vacuum sealed or not pancakes & syrup about 5 monts old?. I realize that had our conversation been about me 'bugging' her to try and save the relationship that choco chip pancakes would never have come up and if they did it would only be so she could tell me "I never did like those-they too sweet for my taste".

19 days to go and I was about out of strength to continue on told her last night she could leave and be done with this. But today I do know she still had her wedding bands on, she says cause their pretty, but I know she can't find an excuse to be eating 5 month old pancakes <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Gave me some new strength I guess.

DL, how's it going??

Did you talk w/ Chaplain?

Keep the faith and take it slow.

L2F