No contact was established in April.
Found out in May OM was already with someone else.
In June OM sent me a Happy Birthday email, I did not reply to it.
Have not heard from OM again.
Because I wanted the adultery to end, I thought I wouldn't have any withdrawl, I was wrong.
I mourned the loss of my addiction, the one who met most of my needs. I beat myself up with guilt over hurting him, I was a fool. Apparently he didn't hurt to much, moved on pretty quickly. That was a tough one to take. I had believed my lies as well as his...and reality sets in.
So 8 months later I'm looking at things clearer, regret and reality has settled in. No more entitlement, more like horror at what I've really done.
I feel overwhelmed at the work that needs to be done and wonder if my marriage will survive.
I've printed all the material here for H and I to start working on if he is willing.
After reading the material here, I see I am withdrawn from the marriage as well. And, I think my H is also withdrawn to a degree. We have both made the decision to stay together until the kids are out of school, but also hoping that things could change in that 3 year time frame.
All the counseling we've and I've had has been spiritual, but not alot of hands on tools like MB offers. I've come to realize if I, we do not implement the tools, our 25 year marriage will end.
I have many more thoughts, but will end with this.


My Story

Want2BFREE,

True repentance can not be accomplished without TOTAL honesty and obviously you have a long way to go. You have lied to your poor husband about contact, you have lied to the OM and worst of all you are lying to yourself.




Why do you even have an email that the OM can use and maintain the contact that BOTH of you crave?

Go back and read about Radical Honesty and transparency.

Are you really ready to do whatever is necessary for as long as necessary to save your M???

Repentance is turning from your sin and going the other way. I have done that. I have forgiveness from God.
I have no credibility with my H right now. All I can do is start applying the MB principles and in time, in a safe environment be totally honest and transparent.
As for the email, it is a work email. I had him blocked, then unblocked him thinking enough time was passed, I didn't have to worry about contact, I was wrong.

...and how do you know this? Did He tell you personally?

If you are still lying to your H while expecting forgiveness, I think you're SERIOUSLY deluding yourself. Check His Commandments - "Thou Shalt Not Lie" is right up there with "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery". I don't think He meant for His Commandments to be used like a salad bar, where you could pick and choose the stuff you like and ignore the rest.



No surprises there - you are still choosing to act in an untrustworthy manner, and he probably senses that.



Enough time for what, exactly? I strongly suspect that you unblocked his address in the hope that he might do just what he did - try to contact you.

I don't want to debate the definition of repentance but I find you lying again in your reply post.

You did not "unblock"( a completely and totally unnecessary action) because you thought you did not need it anymore.

You unblocked him because you wanted , indeed craved, contact with your OM.

All of us here want you to repair your M. I applaud you for your strength in coming to this site. Make it a usefull endeavor.





And please answer my last question

I respect your opinion, I will not debate whether or not God forgives me. I know I have a long way to go in applying the MB principles, I am asking for help, not condemnation.

Hi W2BF. Been a while.

Not having credibility is normal, it's the result of lack of trust. The good news is that trust can be rebuilt, but any contact will destroy any fragile trust that is being rebuilt. At this point, rebuilding trust is going to take two primary things, neither of which can be "dispensed with." First, you have to earn the right to be trusted again, and you can only do that by your actions. So do whatever it takes to make contact as impossible as you can. Second, it's going to take a lot of time. It the combination of the two that will allow your husband to begin to believe you and trust you. The "goal" is for him to reach the point where he can "predict" what you would do if he were not around to see what you were doing.

Applying the tools of MB is a good start, but if you are both believers, the spiritual side of your relationship also needs to be addressed. You will both have some similar needs in that area and some very different needs.

If you feel up to it at some point you might want to share with us a little about your faith and your husband's faith as a place to begin and to understand more about the personal struggles you each have with your parts of the recovery process.

God bless.

[/quote] You unblocked him because you wanted , indeed craved, contact with your OM.

Yes

I find no condemnation in pointing out the reasons that you are in your predicament and the ways that you can salvage your M. My purpose is to open your eyes to the self delusion that you are still practising. If the truth offends you..well then I believe that you may be on the wrong site.

Hi FH,
Thanks for posting.
My H is not a believer. He doesnt' forgive or forget. I realize he is hurting and I have contributed to the breakdown of our marriage. He told me this past Friday I have ruined his life and what I did was worse that what he ever did. I told him I am here, I am in this marriage, I am doing the best I can and it is not good enough for him, so he needs to decide what he is going to do. He said that was a treat, I told him, no it's not. It's your choice to stay in the marriage or leave, but we need to work through this because we are not going anywhere but down. He has not responded to my statement.

The truth does not offend me, it truly is the only thing I am hanging on to right now. I wish with all my heart I could be totally honest with my H. In time I hope we are at a place in our relationship that I can tell him.